Reflection - Mastery Discipline Life Purpose

[ValiantSalvatore]

Very short entry max 10 min. I mapped out my schedule for today. 

Reading some of the forum posts here and watching the new video from Leo. What did I gain insight into let's ask that for now.

I definitely am on the path that my brain is part of my body and not a separate thing, it's a difference in practice I highly doubt that a lot of people recognize this. For instance my meditation session again, the cerebellum I assume was pumping, also listening to deep sleep binaural beats I can hear how my brain either is clearing itself from toxins or repairing itself, since deep sleep induces DNA repair and clears the brain of all of its toxins and puts in in repair mode. Not sure if also growth hormones are released, yet using binaural beats when you are sensitive to sounds can work . I could test this more often, yet I want to work on priorities this is important but not urgent. Focusing on the first upper left quadrant of the eisnehower matrix is a good recapitulation of an audiobook I listened about 7 times and made a whole map out of the principles. 

Now, I also notice that I look at things at holistic fields instead of facts, pieces of pieces and pieces of pieces in depth. It's as if depth and span create a matrix with is currently still 3D but not 4D and most of the time others seem rather 2D in that sense. They have depth and span but only on a superficial level, there is breadth in that sense a z axis, yet I definitely want to repeat some good math lessons when I study for my masters. I looked what I need to learn for machine learning some of the topics where already coverd, yet this major also focuses on a different aspect. Which I liked and still enjoy, but it's more a quadripple sub-component and apparently cartoons are for kids and are utterly classit.

Well, I never read much about Walt Disney I know he was an anti-semitic and that some of the cartoons where utterly racist and displayed stereotypical thinking.
 

https://www.pastemagazine.com/articles/2017/06/walt-the-quasi-nazi-the-fascist-history-of-disney.html


Definitely, want to read up on that like I said I am still not at top performance and I still want to create and optimize my approach to all of this. 

Now, I am done for now. 

Edited June 30, 2019 by ValiantSalvatore

[ValiantSalvatore]

I'll be making another entry I pretty sure this is a time waster. Yet, I will go for my work out now and do my routine, my bag is already packed I have a set place where I place my workout clothes after each workout and don't leave them in the bag or they become stinky. 

Otherwise, I am not making progress with this fking project and this retarded professor is not willing to help. I will ask a friend and otherwise, I have one week to complete the full project and next week a couple of hours. The things that he explained to me I did not understand how this fits together with other parts, I hate low green fuck face scientists. No sorry, this guy is the same as the other professor a kid who reached higher classes and now just contributes to the problem instead of being a solution. He could also be teaching nazis how to code, yet I don't really get why he was so angry, I could say he is yellow and pissed at incompetence. That would make me already more tourquise but I'll doubt that a bit, yet I am not triggered by this as much anymore, since this was my intention to let go during my or a couple of LSD trips where I understood how letting go of yellow feels and it threatened my arbitrary notions of survival. Also, not sure if catching the ox is tourquise since it would be transrational tier. Also, not sure anymore if yellow is transrational there are post post-conventional tiers? ... 

It's difficult to maintain the knowledge around this subject without rereading and most people are not interested in it. I tbh don't like to take care of things that involve day to day mundane stuff I learned to enjoy it while I lived in China and England but, hell. This is annoying the prof makes me think about him like a boring hitlery person, I know for sure why I am not going to be interested in people who have no degree of fantasy. And definitely no book fantasy people, they are totally deluded, sometimes and you can't see it coming. Not sure I am also just the same kind of pattern running around as a cog in the machine, solving problems to keep the machine clean. 

At the end, I want to read more as so often, I will re-structure my entire approach again to learning in two weeks after the exam since then my internship will begin and this is basically a "real life" simulation. I want to also read about relationships I listened to the audiobook sex at dawn and have the book the reading queen where I read from time to time, I tend to forget how fascinating things are especially biology and live on earth, yet all of this practicality is worth it. I hated it my entire life, now I learned to enjoy it because of China somehow. 

I want to freaking move my ass around the globe.

 

Edited June 30, 2019 by ValiantSalvatore

[ValiantSalvatore]

Shorty entry. I'll be abusing this a bit for eduaimonia. 

Asking what is and Blue/orange does have some value. I don't think most people understand what Leo is trying to reach since, they come from the own self-directed path they trodded. It's very funny also observing how american thinking works. Since, I never been to america which is quite unfortunate. I have the citizinship though so... 

I don't think a lot of mono-racial people questioned their entire existence in that sense Leo is very unique also a lot of bi-racial people stop this or they build a healthy blue social role or a patholigcal blue social role that needs shadow work. I am happy I did shadow work I can be more a social character without denying my uniquness and integrity, meaning I am untouchable in that sense. 

Die Unantastbarkeit eines jeden Menschen, oder auch Unbescholtenheit. Die sogenannte Integrität.

I do not think a lot of people thought about this and it's very funny that the rap I listend to who claims that they are conscious actually are more conscious, they've done a lot of psychdelics I never thought things turn full cricle so quickly. 

Also, I've been having very weird synchronicities since my kriya experiences. It's odd not sure if I should share. 

My workouts are making progress I can stem 120kg max of back squats two times and use 90kg for my 5 or 10 reps. 

I am soon in week 6 of the coach, tomorrow or tuesday will be sprints and burpees. I love the idea of being an athelete it gives me social status which ultiametly gives me serotonin also, and justifies my perceived strenghts without receiving shit from others. I noticed some fat people become jealous but fine, I don't like fat people who are toxic that is the epitome of unconsciouness assholeness, (I surely did contemplate my own), and classim and I'd say even raclism. 

Some are more nice and enjoy the benefits of green. I am happy that my family was quite green and that I can remember a weird incident when I was born and I was operated. It makes sense that existence has no notions like leo explained in the new video.

Otherswise all of this criticism seems so low green and high orange -> claiming to be a system and feeling immediately attacked, it's not bright certainly to do this. Crticism is not feedback, it's basically for me a form of bitching and not being aware of the other person, also a sign of dissatisfaction. 

Germans are the ultimate complaniers holy fucking duck... 

It's insane. Feedback is different because it's similar to the talking stick method from steven covery book the seven habits of highly effective people and to get people to do this !!!!!! I TRIED WITH MY MOM DID NOT WORK ! LIKE 20 TIMES NOT JOKING 

I tried with my best friend he actually did it and I felt understood this was to a large degree my need to feel meaning and my ass being stuck in stage green. 

Feedback is when I listen to another person ask questions till he feels understood or she or non-binary, binary, cis, trans, queer, concepts and models and more.

Till this model feels understood since it will enforce new standards anyway, nothing really philosophical about the post but fine I hate that so procalimed systems thinker, never explain what they actually understand I do this too, yet I notice from my childhood also I need to go into breadth I mostly did what is neccesary and grew vertically now I am also including breadth with seemed superfical to me, so I only focused on depth. 

This would be my idea about growth that it includes depth and span, as Ken Wilber mentions. So bla bla 

Now my friend will help me with the project, his father received a heart attack, so he is currently the CEO of a company. Or even multiple ones I will help him to do some stuff and drive some trash around and throw it away. 

He also helped me with maths in the first semester and he explained it very well, this is where TI shines they understand very well, very very well. Often they don't want to but bla bla

TE already has the solution and tbh nobody wants to hear it... it's similar to not selling/marketing yourself properly, you just hand-out free subscription of a multi billion dollar service and everyone chimes in and get's free cake. For some green dumbo talk ? Seriously.

Not everybody wants to hear a solution immediately, some are fine with it, some are complacent and abuse it for instance higher FI users I assume and more. 

Now anyway this friend lived at a temple for 6 months in some traditions I am intellecutally not on par with him since he read and learned coding from a young age of 10 because of his sister. He will do his doctor I want to convince him to continue meditating etc, so he does not become a shitty scientist like my prof is or was, because he also did research. His is quite yellow and will argue and critcize for the sake of it, when it is appropriate he told me some weird things but he does not integrate spirituality. For instance he smoked an orchid and when you do that appartently two times or so in a row your liver dies. He did not know that and a friend told him to do it, also about some weird physicist who does a yoga sun salute and chops a watermelon with his machete. At his birthday I talked to one guy who was a physicist in his bachelors and his name was Diego and I liked him he was very funny, but somehow he was so fascinated by profs etc. That he started to talk with people about that, we talked a bit yet he seemed bored so I went on to antoher person etc. It was kinda odd, I am not a fan of large birthdays if they are not well planned with some activities but now I am wasting time. 

Not sure where I want to go with this besides that I want him to try some LSD he already has his first paper written and it is being peer-reviewed and it looks very good, also he is an ISTP and they are technique freaks, so I love to learn from ISTP people. 

Anyway that is about it I hope I don't spam more I turned off Grammarly, so now I need to focus more on not making mistakes and writing correctly, this surely was a time waster post. But I have the app again tomorrow which will block the site for my pc...

[ValiantSalvatore]

I'll spam this with links since it is easier then my digtial notebook, as I said a need and want a re-structuring. 

http://www.calnewport.com/blog/2014/03/31/deep-habits-using-milestones-to-get-unstuck/
http://www.calnewport.com/blog/2012/06/18/impact-algorithms-strategies-remarkable-people-use-to-accomplish-remarkable-things/
http://www.calnewport.com/blog/2010/01/23/beyond-passion-the-science-of-loving-what-you-do/
http://www.calnewport.com/blog/2009/04/10/the-unheralded-splendor-of-the-a-strategy/
http://www.calnewport.com/blog/2009/03/20/the-notebook-method-how-pen-and-paper-can-transform-you-into-an-star-student/
http://www.calnewport.com/blog/2009/11/20/a-study-hacks-primer/

[ValiantSalvatore]

I am going to make a plan for today and study most of the time my tea pot is cooking and I am getting ready to studying, my 1h medtiation session today was okay, I was bothered by a fly and stood tall 50 minutes long, till I moved to much. My brain certainly reacted less against this, also I looked into what the cerebellum does yesterday and apparently it has 70 billion nervcells or neurons smth in that direction. 

It is responsible for balance and the positioning of the body and store these patterns there, therefore it is responsible for actions that revolve around motor circuit activity, writing, running, using hands and feet. The better it is trained the easier it is for these patterns to help you perform in that area and the activation time is shorter. IIRC also new research found out that it is responsible for higher cognitive activities also. 

The brain is very compliacted I saw an fmri scan on Psychonaut wiki about certain topics what humans think about, and how it maps out on the brain. 

Quite fascinatig, but I am so into learning right now and wanting to improve myself that I am not as fascinated by it. My body craves sleep even if I slept for a good amount today 6h30 and yesterday around 9-10h. I am getting back into my old sleep pattern quickly, because of the one  allnighter I had to do because of this project. I definitely want to re-plan my approach to not end up like certain people I left behind and quitted the friendship.

We call all just fk around and which derp videos all day and make hihihi and hihuhuhu. Like, ... cmon.... 

This is ridiculous live as so much more to offer and all they want to do is marry and live a mediocore life. I always hated this, I am sad that my best friend from high school and me lost contact. He went to korea etc.

[ValiantSalvatore]

I am getting a bit scared because of the exams and doubt my preperation method, I'll refelect it now I did 6 study session today and some of them where rendered obsolete by what topis that the prof told us we need to learn for the exam. This guy is very nice, yet I don't know how to befriend or deal with people like him he is an ENTP, I've meet one who is awesome but not sure how to deal with this type. Anyway even if the exam is supposed to be easy or easier I am a bit scared because I did not prepare well, but I can worry less since the exam is supposed to be easy so I want to do the work.

So I studied today for 6 session which is exactly 5h now another two session will follow, it is insane how much time flows into learning when I keep track of it normally I studied and  took a break for some time, yet I want to refine this process now even more.

Calnewport suggests that after 3h of studying a longer break should follow, also JP says that he can read concentrated for 3h. Which is now my new goal. I also planned today what I want to get done and which exercises I want to repeat and I am done now almost with the first exercise (Nr. 6) and wanted to do Nr 7. I don't think I will finish it.

I definitely want to plan these longer breaks and they should last 45 minutes I think for now I am still not prone or used to study for that long, I am not very motivated today and will study out of habit which is good. 6 sessions on an unmotivated day is fantastic in that sense, yet you should not praise the day before the nightfall. So, I want to sleep well and study well tomorrow.

How can I restructure my studying to be more efficient ?
-> Take walks and don't miss workouts the one hour 30 really does not matter that much
-> Take walks in the longer breaks
-> Plan exactly on what to study, plan also a day where I will review my notes and make a good q and a
-> Create a technical battle plan of which exercises in more code based classes I want to repeat or examples based on the mock exam

What do I think I am currently doing wrong ? 
-> Not planning which chapters to study explicitly in my bullet journal and just studying what I deem as relevant
-> Not picking out the topics for the mock exam and wanted to learn everything and preparing to much for the worst case
-> Hence not studying the relevant topics even though I do sometimes
-> Not planning longer breaks
-> Not planning 3h sessions when there is time for it
-> Distractions, bad moods 

New appraoch
-> Plan my mock exam review of the topics, search together the relevant exercises which cover the subjects at hand
-> 3h study session followed by 45min break, workouts count as breaks
-> Take walks in breaks, (therefore 45min not always neccsary), cooking also counts as break
-> Keep planning what I want to study and review

Not sure what to do else I am not sure how I am doing with constructing quizzes I draw a line on a paper and write to the left column the question and to the right the answer from a script for e.g and break it down so that the questions from the left give me an incentive about the overall topic for e.g

What is a characteristic of meiosis - Cells are fertilized by men and women putting their gen material from either mother or father usally both in it
Then 
Why is this characteristic important, what happens afterwards - the fertilized ovari and sperm "meet" each other and form a double chromosome set
Then
How is this process called - recombination

etc. I assume this is correct.

Now, I am not sure if I am being to detailed or this is good, yet I definitely did some unneccsary things this semester taking a voluntary course in a.i and the project with a prof where I will do my internship, the internship thing is fine even the voluntary a.i course, but I start to understand as a person growing from 2% of orderliness how much bureaucracy matters. 

Anyway, I will study now and track my progress in my bullet journal what I did get done today. 
I am often bored with this stuff somehow and the project which interests me I am not making much progress , yet a friend will help me. 

 

Edited July 1, 2019 by ValiantSalvatore

[ValiantSalvatore]

I have approx 4min till the site will be blocked.

I am eating breakfast and want to wake up 15 min earlier...

Now, I will plan my day and study for most the the time and implement the procedure I listed yesterday. 

Otherwise I am not very happy with my progress in meditation. My brain is annyoing it feels as if it does not want to quiet down, for instance when I curse mentally or be verbally aggressiv mentally, I use the lable hear flow which calms it down so fast it's quite effective I found this out the last two or three weeks or so, after reading the script from Shinzen Young again. Not there is no subtle stirring there anymore, but heavy tiny mailstorm stirring again... I hope this is not kriya and I'll go full cult again. 

Even if ... it's fine it's not like I was not able to controll it very well, yet it would be nice if somebody would be nearby and tell me that all of this is normal and can happen. So, I don't feel like a nut case. 

I want to still do 3 retreats this year so timr

[ValiantSalvatore]

So, now the journal... I will set a timer and grab some food. I rest my timer to go to bed  by 15min and defnitely missed my last study session therefore I am unable to finish exercise 7 I finished 6 today and 6 is based on 7. 

So about today:

I fking love honey. ... I have a sweetooth, yet I somehow don't become ravenous during the night.

3 study sessions in the morning
2 / 1/2 in the afternoon
2 in the evening

So, amounting to 7 / 10 planned 

It's still fine. I assume I am well using my time rahter well, with tiny amount of to many breaks. Tomorrow I will have another "exam" preperation aka the last exercise and I am at 7 out of 12 so far, I will write the test on monday and I am also working on the project I have to present on wednesday. But I am still not making any good progress I spent 2h30 again today trying to find a solution of how I can use the concepts of his retard script. The internet helps somehow I found an example from tutorialspoint even, but somehow it does not work. I can try it again and see if I did a mistake. 

Otherwise I studied for 375 mintutes = 6h of studying I would say since the last round I dabbled around it was 5h worth the other session where quite intense and in my work out I could restructure three pages of code, by praticing deep work while working it today. 

Sprints, warm up and .. burpees.. yyeahyhiyiyi I did not finish the burpes at the end and please don't project toxictity that was a happy yeahiyiiyiyy and now it's toxic.

So, I did 10x 20x20 sprints with 10 burpees at the end and 60 second break. So I did 100 burpess with sprints in total (400m). I burpee looses 14 calories so, I lost 140 burpees solely today by doing 100 of them. I also had to throw away my food since leaving curry in the pot causes bacteria to grow and the american healthy association or so recommends to throw it even away after 2h, which is just a precautionary measurement from them. 

I talked with my bf about working out, he tested the workout from russle westbrook and I had to laugh why he tests a workout from a pro-athelete so freely, he said he was done, doing single legged deadlifts I was like TH are you doing. I love it we have a lot of fun acting like americans because I am one. He is half croatian, half german. And one of the few people I am currently fortunate to call my friend. Since I kicked the other two out of my life, I also like his gf very very much. She explains greek mythology to me and is an ENFJ he is an ISTJ, they both took the test and he scored ISFJ I told him no lol ! He is istj they both took the horrendous test form 16 personalities.com, he read the istj and they both know it's relative. Yet, his relationship is quite healthy and I am happy for them from what I can tell. We can talk about stuff like extroverted and introverted animes, uni, avengers etc. Yet, the two friends who I kicked out where part of the group he moved to another city and we lost contact, I always fking always and again fking always make time to reach out to friends or spam them with hours of stickers on whatsapp while I sit on the toilett and take a dump. 

This is also the main reason or one of many why I kicked them out, they never take the initative to do something and cry and give a bad collective name to the group, are complacent yes it's a rant, have toxic relationships more or less, can't seem to get out of their situation and don't take care of health. BUT MOST IMPORTANTLY they both don't want to actualize. This is what bothers me the most they want a mediocore life. I never ever wanted this I don't care if I have to do a fking doctors and become a professor to earn more than the average.

Why ?

Because first of all I want to provide myself with financial freedom, and also give my mom some financial support and care for her when she becomes old, we now have the same situation with my grandma and my mother is not necessarily financially fluid, my aunt supports her, but only financially, she seldom comes by but she also did not like my grandma very much. I did not like her neither and I said horrendous things, yet she is also basically the reason why I want to self-actualize and why I am also willing to go through some extrems or unconvetional pathways. She sat infront of the TV (if you ever heard to story of fightmediocrity on youtube it's a bit similar but not ... poverty driven, I have to say this because germans are dumb) for 15 years and did nothing besides cleaning the house, go for an ice, watch tv again, complain x, complain z, annoy me because she is bored. Like hell. I can understand but she was so averse to meeting new people because she was quite stubborn but also so lively, I can't understand I blame vulnerability for now... She seems like an ambiverted ESFP, but with the generation difference it is difficult to tell. My mom is ESTJ my aunt INFJ, fahter I assume ENFJ or INFJ. So, at home being surrended with types that don't get me it was sooooo boring and I felt often that my intellect and curiostity was supressed because I knew more than my grandma and stupid shit like that. Now I am definitely going overboard. I am a bit annyoed at my apparent non-inherent verbosity of this text. I noticed this when I read a book on the side, but fine. People can't even speak proper english here I am happy when I am done with this region, nature nice, people are absolute horseshit, the collective unconsciouness stuff that I have to think and others think also!!! I observed is just absurd. I rather see myself as a lumberjack when nature and forests are so present here, instead of some proll. Like the fat guy who needed to feel intimidated because I looked at 3 ! people walking past me with all my belonings around because I worked out outside. But now he has to feel threatend and speak in a proll voice and make the "athelete" look dumb, did he ever watch olympia ?? There is no niveau in this university and sometime just pure hitlery. I definitely already wished I had a baseball bat. Just to smack some hilter kids out of the ball park. *WHACK* ! Gone.

[ValiantSalvatore]

I woke up 15 mins earlier, yet my body craves sleep so much from all this studying and working out and I usually don't wind down on time, but I woke up on time.


I meditated only for 52 mins today the last 8 minutes lying down with a mudra, like I did when I travled because I was scared that people in China will react weird when a foreigner starts meditating.

I notice that the part of my brain that in general the compassion exercises helped dealing with thoughts about annoyance. I feel this part of the brain which I assume is the cerebellum currently so much, it is a hinderance or the devil currently. I don't really like to use the word devil since I grew up partially catholic which is pretty much the worst out of all religions out there, even the aghori sadghus are more consciouss than your average catholic.

I also feel a bit vulnerable today but.. brain wise, I feel that consciouness wants me to become consciouss and I feel sad that I am not and unable to care properly because of it..

I am really done with all of this decadence and I hope I can adjust fast to my new wake up time, so I can properly do the stretching exercises which will prepare me for longer sits than 1h and also for yoga. 

I made a plan for today and will start studying and made myself some green tea. I definitely feel a dislike against americans today, can't tell why, I am a bit annoyed at their decadence when reading comments here.

But holy brain my neck and my brain are so annoying currently, I definitely want to do some shadow work around introjection so I get various subpersoanilties out that are useless. Yet, I can't really find the time currently besides in breaks etc. 

Otherwise, I my wind down ritual works, but I start to late and my sleep is very good but it is not enough currently. Even when I take short naps during the day for 10 mins or so. 

This is definitely not sustainable and I want one day which I have planned when I restructed everything after the exams where I will relax and do what I want more and actually plan it and not saying it only mentally.


 

[ValiantSalvatore]

10 min entry:

So far I did 

6 study sessions approx. I did two 25 min "pomodoro" study sessions because of limited time. So I studied more or less intensely today for 5h which is okay I planned 8 or 9 I guess, so I am doing fine, yet when I look at progress made I did some unecessary stuff, I will prepare more with the pratice exam and then pick out the exercises that are useful for tackling similar problems and the exam. Then I will be more productive and achieve better results. I praticed to much with the exercises the last couple of days because that is apparently a enengram type 4 tendency to have difficulty to find out what is important and what is not, tomorrow we will have the last lecture before the exam. So, I will get another overview I asked tons of questions, but they are only good for reading the code writing is something else and I did not do every exercise. I hate and become quite reluctant to do things that I don't like and I dislike web programming a lot. Same with PHP, I don't really like the language never liked it even in high school. I am more open to it now, since coding itself is fun, yet I want results for now. 

Otherwise I read an article from calnewport yesterday or today, I will re-read them and re-read them till I am the student that I want to be. I read them in my 10 minute break. I definitely to most things right, it's small stuff that I am doing wrong. For instance not praticing first with the mock exams and then compile a mega problem set. 

I did my workout today it took me way to long but the breaks are neccessary for this type of exercise it's called contrast exercise. I saw a guy working on the butterfly machine asking for help, they played volleyball and I was curious since he had a six pack and was ripped if I could do the same, since I was doing bench presses with 60kg without counting the pole. I did it quite easily, the gym is not perfect , so I can't see how much weight he tried to lift and therefore I was lifting. I definitely made some progress doing now quite easily 100kg of back squats without counting the pole with 5 repetitions in 4 or 5 sets. So, I feel quite strong my shoulds are getting big and my sprints feel intense.

Timer is over more studying for now with the better approach.

 

[ValiantSalvatore]

I overslept today, and wanted to do it I noticed I need more sleep and even though I woke up on time and took a few steps around the appartment. I decided to sleep for another 1h 30. I only had 6h approx of sleep. Which is not enough when working out and studying all day, my mind needs more rest, the body is fine but not my head. 

So, I am currently not doing the stretching exercises that I want to do, but I wake up 15 min earlier, so I could do them. Yet, I notice I am spending a lot of time on the forum, especially yesterday answering peoples questions and it got me thinking a bit.

It's very difficult to know if someone truely thankful for advice or is used receiving things. Ask and you shall be given. Is the first though that pops into my mind. I am still waiting for my nootropics which focus mainly on the brain and mylein etc NGF and BDNF I can't recall anymore what they are good for.

Still, I am a bit scared about the exams I did not prepare properly even when I took some steps. The professor where I do the project is a fking asshole, I can't say it often enough and some of the cs people here are truely assholes. Nepotism and friendships in Germany is still way to strong here, you have the right friend group and doors and access to solutions, projects etc will open. Part of what I am saying are assumptions, yet I notice more and more that I am alone again. Which I've been for the most time in my life, because I am a single child. 

It's very odd,... it's like you see 10000 steps ahead but can't take the next step, because you know you will loose, so you have to setup the correct path omg fking map methapor. I am quite done, with looking at things as a map and yellow, yellow is not sufficient. I want to look at things as holistic fields and macro solutions to macro problems on earth. 

I will make a plan now and study I made myself some tee. My workouts are doing fine, yet I still currently can't get over the idea of privilige, it makes me so angry. That CDU party and Germans don't see this and perpetuate it. I hope the CDU completely becomes dismantled as well as the SPD and we actually have a liberal party so social cohesion would be stronger. Instead of these retarded secular traditionalists who are doing nothing more the purple / blue tribe mentallity. Germans definitely are not as evolved as they are presented on a world stage, all they have is their secular sounding langugage or mechnical, technical etc. Which makes sound somewhat sophisticated and logical. But, German is not that beautiful, especially when you come from my region. Although, it's fun. I did CBT for a while and I can't stand Germans anymore or how priviliged white people are based on their skin color, in a sociological and psychological scale, they have to deal with less pressure etc. I am happy I choose a prof who is also interested in social causes to do my bachelors and the internship, since nowadays and in this region it is not guranteed even if they act like this etc.

If they need to make muslim jokes and black jokes in the ASTA and other foreigners just tolerate it, and they enforce sterotypes, as peasant German they clearly are not conscious and I am not interested to be part of the problem. 

[ValiantSalvatore]

I took a 2h break which was a bit to long almost 3h, yet the last class was a bit shorter so, I could take one hour out of my schedule and dedicate it to learning. I am still in the 2h break. 
 

I watched this older video from Leo, I bought three books from the booklist about happiness a couple of years ago and I was so unhappy during that time. Now I want to reflect a bit to use this jounral purposefully. 

What are my happniess bottlenecks:
1. Currently not a lot of friendships
2. emotional support.

I dislike it a bit and I will only take two of these items for now.

Actions steps I have taken:
1. Reading the famous book How to win friends and influence people 2 or 3 times. Going to China and going to London, doing CBT exercisis around that. 

2. Taking part in the life practice program, going to the gym for emotional well-being, journaling, calling friends and family

Actions steps that i can take: Join the regular Asta meetings even if I complain a lot about the situation here, it's better than nothing, also hope on the opporunity after the exams during the internship to play some beach volleyball from time to time and meet some friends. 

Otherwise I won't have classes anymore.. 

3. Call my best friend more often on the weekend and take some time out to meet on the weekend when I do the internship. Ideally we also will be coding together, so this will be great. 


Otherwise I can't take out much of the video, I will re-plan my structure and take a few days off doing planned nothing, scheduling some relaxing activites and then go on with a new draft for the new semester and final semester. 




 

[ValiantSalvatore]

Not sure what to write about I am letting my tea cooldown, it's way to hot and the bottle can hold up to 1.5 liter and I definitely want some green tea for l-theanin and some alpha brain wave states with binaural beats while studying. So, I can work with more alterness and attentivness. 

What to write about ?
Meditation
Studying
Planning
Reading
Maintaining knowledge
Sorrows
Stress
Intuition



I will write about meditation, notice this won't be technical since I have to review the script and my notes for that. 

I noticed that shinzen youngs description especially the script is highly secular, almost the pinnacle of it, it feels similar to studying for project managment and I miss the mystical quality a bit. It's very dry and technical, so it takes more effort to learning it and re-calling it successfully. 

Otherwise, my meditation session still give me this slight streamlined feeling that I had in an enhanced way, after the 14day zen-retreat. I definitely want to transcend my brain, I am tired of thinking and experiencing classim and the contemporary zeitgeist, completely denying it's existence.

Stil, the meditation pratice is going well, not sure if 1h a day is enough I wanted to do 90 minutes that seems feasable even for a busy schedule with a proper routine. 2h of random meditation without a structure is not feasible longterm. 60 minutes does not feel like it's having the impact that it used to, 90 minutes does feel like it goes a bit further. 

So, stuff becomes more streamlined for a longer time, without relying on "back-up" pratice, the micro hits and background pratice certainly maintain the streamlinedness of live and I think I understand a bit better Shinzens analogy with types of painting and their corresponding spiritual pratice. Vispassana is similar to california style minimalist paintings iirc, three differently colored stripes of grey on a wall. This describes the streamlinedness and quality of it perfectly and also vipassana for me, it's similar to upahia, skillfull means. Which describes the quality of the streamlindness in action, not the outer .. quality of it. 

Now, I am done and will study. I am up since 5:45 and did a shadow work session, meditation, eating, and stretching (15min). + I planned my day. So, up I go. Thanks for that aspect.

 

[ValiantSalvatore]

I wasted good 40 minutees that is almost a whole study session again on this forum. I studied a lot so I'll enjoy taking the breaks. 

I'd love to read about enlightenment and all of this stuff, but the more rational choice would now be to focus on my daily life I am not up to Leo's standard or standards that I impose upon myself and that is perfectly fine. I want to do certain things, yet nobody besides myself can know what is right for me in this current situation and what is wrong. Sure, their is guidance and I appreciate it more than most people, humans, creatures etc. could physically know. But, this is crazy partially. I don't know how long Leo meditates, how he earns his money with the youtube earnings sure he has some products, but how does he market them ? Does he use google ads ? Or other way to generate traffic and sales. Do they payout ? How much revenue does he make ? How much money did he save with his business etc. It's not important in the spiritual sense yet it provides him with the financial foundation. 

Not sure where I was going with this but it makes me wonder sometimes, how well he can handle business I always found this admirable because it seems like a manly quality to get things done and exectue. Especially on ones goals, dreams and vision even adds a feminine quality to it.

So, I was very curious which steady state-stage Leo is at. Especially with all the psychedelics he sure has changed,  ..... yet tbh I think for the better. It also is more fun to watch his content somehow and I enjoy it a lot more. It's like he is teaching what he wanted to teach ? And not giving out advice, yet at the same time the amounts of psychedelics to consume and find people who are open to it, let's say a partner is a tricky thing.

Then to make sure it's not some cracky old LSD abuser or I want to get high type person. Yet, uses it responsibley. Be able to handle breakthroughs all of that. But there is Martin Ball. So... I truly want to build a live of freedom, health, peace , joy , consciouness etc. Yet, I am not as hell ass literally driven as Leo. I don't have that much drive holy lol.

But, I want to work and improve and this is of utmost importance, especially my financial situation because I am still studying and want to do my masters. I can learn to work highly strategically and improve in orange, blue areas, and yellow. + Other higher stages occsionally with retreats and psychedelics. I usually intended to do them more often, but I am not as curious and commited yet. I for sure wasted some tabs and just went into full pleasure mode with music and video games. Now that I stopped it's a different game. Music definitely purpoted me to higher stagers so I'll use that. 

Otherwise, I can't tell study and research are two things I lack to fully understand what spirituality is about. So, I want to become more strategic. This also includes many other areas. 

Now I am done before I will write more.

For instance about Green Tea and it's properties. 

[ValiantSalvatore]

Not sure why but I feel like journaling I could go to bed I am 7 mins overtime now I wanted to write something, yet I wanted to also know some questions. The more I talk to people who know stuff, by reading and teaching themselves the more I notice how badass that is and how much more I want to know, I definitely want to create a stronger drive to knowledge I wanted to let go of knowledge during my LSD trip and I went deep. 

Yet, I did not succeed oh no I did but I went deeper than I thought, this kind of "knowledge" does not make any sense. I notice also I could have spent that time reading. BUT NO I became curious about everything and nothing again. 

So, I did 8 study session today which seems to currently be a new average that is 400 mins of study which is 6h and 40 minutes of studying. I started at 9 finished at 4pm then went on to working out and studied from 7pm to 8pm and from 9pm to 10pm. So, there is a lot more leeway. 

I want to study for 10 study session tomorrow that would constitute to 500 minutes of focused studying and 100 minutes of breaks. 

Meaning I would study for 10h with 1h 40 of breaks and 8h and 20 studying. This seems to be a very good and calculated time not an estimated. 

And I want to say this again I want to restructure my entire approach to studying. Nobody did the exercises that I knew of from the class that I am attending, there where mostly 3 people present in the whole class, so I don't quite get this can everyone already do it. Or are the exercises so fked that nobody can solve them. It's sort of both. Most don't seem to have a clue, me neither I study and understand what is to understand. Yet, I want to work on figuring things out on myself. I often re-construct and understand and repeat. Yet, I don't figure and solve problems as much as I want to. Even though journaling is part of the solving process. 

So, more on that. Sometime.

[ValiantSalvatore]

I feel a bit triggered again by German Hitlery I want to have some positive interactions with Germans who are solid green and not career junkies who are materalistic as fuck and project the living hitler. 

Now, otherwise it's fine I slept longer today because I was tired my productivity will be less so, also I want to work on my charm. Because I am quiet straight forward with women it's a bit easier because I can be playful, yet that also takes some time. 

Otherwise I will start studying, I want this exam period to be over and start my bachelors also. I am intersted in Leos politics video heavily.

[ValiantSalvatore]

Short entry then I will do a study session.

I am spending to much time on the forum. I want to get out and study and not stay inside, sometimes it works it's also an advice I've read, yet there are a couple of things now I want to adress. 

Therefore, I can't really tell. What to say or start first, but I want to start with studying

I studied today only for 4 study sessions out of 10 planned. Which was horrible, I woke up to late and my routine did not improve I called my mom for 45 min and walked outside for about an 1h while on the phone. I washed my clothes during that time, I went to the gym and cooked some food for now 1h and 50 min approx. Then I meditated for 1h, I installed a bunch of shit, because I was trying to fix a problem which was not explained in the exercise and we just talked and apparently we don't even need it for the exam. But I understood the code...

Tomorrow is the last day before the exam and on monday I will study after the exam for the easier exam. The friend I asked to help me with the project said yes, I am so thankful for that and happy that I can have solid stage yellow friends even if only two and I miss the other one a lot. My old best friend I think is now in solid green with a Green/orange shadow and thinking the world runs in orange. Not yellow, it's difficult to see for them that they are a node in a network communicating with others, like a video game. You hop in and play with a couple of people get out and see their dynamics unfold. Greatness often times with a big hint of sarcasm but fine. 

I drifted off, into nagging. See. this is the insanity that 99% of people don't understand and can't see. Many turkish people don't even really know or seem to know how they have been treated or italians by Germans in the past with dirty marketing and burshing them off as people from the second class. There is some new student that I see often, because the campus is small. I already did not like the guy for no reason, just my intuition. He is that fat "turkish" I am going by nation here... he smokes. ... so he is no proper muslim, for religionsanity sake. And is fat the only thing that he can do is talk to girls and be some cute chubby dude, while being an egotistical asshole. I assume, this guy as 0 respect like nothing and I can't tell I dislike him and I see him to often to not think about this guy as some lesson. But, I can't pinpoint to it besides making more girl friends. Which is a bit more difficult in IT than in business, there are less but the IT girls are mostly nicer. Etc. To much gym talk today to much studying over the past weeks. ( Which I enjoy)

Overall not enough time for myself. Even if I take it an hour here and there I want to expand my horizion and not study code holy crap and code and code and code and code and code and code and code and code and paradigma and code and code and code and code and code and code and code. Oh how many hours have passed 4 ? And code and code and code and code and code and code and code and anger and furstration and fun and code and code and code and code and code. Yes, exactly this is supposed to be a journal and I wanted to study.

All of this self-talk is vanishing, it's insane how much it has been reduced because I use the hear in technique so often. I also lost consciouness 2-3 times during meditation which was deeper and image space brought my back. It's very subtle I notice this a lot more. But there are other things I am currently worrying about like the exams. I definitely only studied today effectively for 2h. Not more And wasted a good 2h now on the forum This was absolut shit. Two days before the exam and I studied assiduously for the past weeks, yet the wrong material, to many exercises, to much focus on understanding and writing quizzes that in the end did not work. 

All I apparently need to do is pratice with the pratice exam and pick out example with are similar so, I can restructure the code in the exam and understand different programming paradigms and potentially arange the code in that order and changes involved with that. That is okay, but I can't tell if he chooses different problems and the exercises are way harder than the mock exam. I am fked, and I can't tell what he wants to do. 

It's a bit annyoing that many IT students live as recluses with one or two friends and the occasional social dynamic warrior that shows up, goes back home and already has an infrastructure. Sometimes I wished we had anarchy literally I can't tell if this is blue or yellow or green or purple. Because it works like a network, ressources are distributed fairly and money is being abolished which is a social invention, it started somewhere on an island they exchanged shells as cultural goods for gems or smth like that and had a trading route. So, the rarity and the cultural value was the value generated and used as currencies, both the shells and the gems. Like bitcoin and euro for e.g nowadays. Yet, I forgot all of these stories since I rarely write with the person and I am not reading much. So, all of this old stuff and contemplation is the only thing currently on my mind. 

Oh and code. With the pun Kot auf deutsch which means -> shit. Literally. 

[ValiantSalvatore]

Okay, I am 38 minutes in the new video I planned my day and will conquer this schedule plan better than yesterday. I will go early to the gym on weekends not so late anymore. 

Otherwise, the thing about authority is I "know" this from the Alan Watts audiobook You are it. The point is for me, that at one point the difference between pratice and lectures or dharama talks become self-evident. When I listen to Eckhart Tolle now, I see him and his teachings more differently than 3 years ago. The same for other stuff, and then new teachers come up such as Peter Ralston etc. 

I know that stage oranges focus in on proving things for oneself, I think this is where mechnical engineers etc. Shine, I know I often use authortity figures in speech in order to come across more confident and or to cite trustworthy figures and to figure out where others have their input from. Because just opinonating around (ESFJ) is just giving him tbh tbh tbh tbh tbh the most authority the whole damn time. So, as if he seeks the validation from others and forms a epistemic communty of experts etc. But, most of the time people have no clue, to what they are pointing at. And my intuition sniffs this... very silently. I can't tell more perciscely.

Otherwise, I've been wary of authority but notice I sometimes seek the comfort expertise rather than authority, authority figures and such in a classical sense make me angry or annoying. The talk from alan watts explains the same, that if you give your authority to others, you are doing that. Since you are it. (Imagine Alan Watts laughing) If you think you need a guru. You need a guru. If you think you need a teacher you need a teacher. Yet, you can walk this path all alone, but it is unconventional rather than conventional. It's good to be aware of that and I am not done with the epsiode. But enough for now. 

[ValiantSalvatore]

Because tbh I don't care but how can I verify something rather than nothing ?

That was still logged in. 

Anyway, I feel pretty prepared now for the exam it won't be great I can tell, I will do the mock exam once again and then go through all the exercises and look for potential questions the professor could ask, and different lines of code he could use. 

Now short review of today:
I did the pratice exam two times and corrected the exams two times, to see how many points I'll get. 
I did good, the second time, the first time was horrbile writing code by hand is very good for me I'll remember the structure better while typing. They will change this, I think understanding will get lost in the future and rather solving and newness will rule.

My workout today was tough but I did better than expected and I went early.

35kg Push Press
100kg Back squats
80 kg deadlifts
50 burpees
+ Warum up and drills 

Took me about an hour to finish. I notice that through cooking a lot I throw away a lot of food, because I eat at the cafeteria, my freezer is to small to store food to be effective or rather... not sure how laden this word is or rather a part of a social mileau, that people studied. 

From the new video I definitely know that I read a few papers here and there but I don't know how to conduct a study. I will learn this and this was my ideal during my bachelors although it will be project based. 

I will be working on the project and I hope I don't f'up my GPA and can't go the the Uni where I sniff this is the best choice for now, and study there also in a city I always wanted to live and go to Berlin.

So, that would be awesome SD said before 10-15 years that Berlin is a hotspot for Yellow. And I can follow the call of Josh , anyway.

I just will pratice and see how well the exam tomorrow goes. Then I'll study the whole day for the other exam and the project is still open. My friend will still help me, he is a crack as far as I heard in coding, but he struggles with actualizing etc.

Now, on to studying I can't tell what I would want to write about I'll definitely want to listen to this when on LSD and I can't take meditation etc.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C2FYZCoxCjs 

There is better stuff though like

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XnRRZb4C8WQ

[ValiantSalvatore]

I don't know if I passed the test or not I can't tell sometimes I found math classes and statistics, java and even c++ easier then. 

 

PHP and JDBC, JSP and Java, Javascript /HTML /JSTL

 

I tend to struggle with these especially PHP since high school. I don't know why. I don't feel much because green tea as a stimulant just gives me a light buzz, so I don't become as stressed as usual. 

One thing I said approx a billion times is that I am going to kill myself when I don't have a bachelors at least. I still don't like the game of playing with humanity when I don't succeed... I don't know if I am going to do smth. like this or not. But I don't want to live with an income that does not let me do what I want. 

Tomorrow will be the easier test. I don't feel to bad about this exam but also not very good at all. I hope I pass and can do things that interest me more. The Professor is very nice and the test was fair. Yet, I never really studied I feel that I am doing everything wrong and this major is not all to difficult but also not as easy as others. I don't know to much ambiguity is horrible. Conflating everything in one major is dumb. One for all solutions are shit. 

I can't tell I just hope I passed and I never see this type of programming again in this context. I don't like PHP I study for it but it never turned out well everything else is good. But PHP is just bad. 

I wanted to re-strategize even reading the books about happiness gave me insights, but with the opportunities I can take and all of that. It's my fault for not doing the exercise I found them to difficult, there is no partner because 3 ppl where in my exercise class and they also did nothing. Enviroment surely does jave an impact I did exercises 1-3, and 5 and 6 that is it out of 12. I tend to get down on myself blame my intelligence etc. And a lot of shit happend. They did not let me take the course that I wanted I wasted 1 month studying for a class that I was not able to take. I took a voluntary project which costed me 3-5 weekends and also another course I studied for but was not allowed to take. 

I hate bureocratic people, cold hearted hitlers with a sense of duty. At least they can keep their status quo. That is all they care about, no compassion only politeness. The compassionate people depend to much on others and the more balanced ones either have a group or are all alone and overwhelemd. 

I really don't feel to bad. But I don't get my lazyness hearing this word sometimes triggers me because it is full of prejudice and racially laden, thanks to some german Auswanderer and others. Sometimes I still don't feel that I am an adult and I waste my life as a man-child. Even though I am working on this. I changed a lot but not enough. I still dislike my upbringing and want a baseball bat for white privileged fk kids. 

I took the wrong approach to studying again. It's somehow has been like this 2 years good in school 2 years bad and the same pattern again. I had troubles with my arrogance since nobody respected my superiority in a classical sense, literally iq, strength, height, speed, all of this ape shit. Which is important for apes I felt denigrated from my family never recognizing anything because they are not as smart as I am. I was bored to death with them, my mom is one of the most uninteresting persons to talk to. I can speak about 45min or more about something I like and she is not possible to be captivated because she is stubborn as fk. 

Working etc. I can't tell I am slightly annoyed again by they way live has unfolded for me and I overburdend myself and never where allowed to test my limits. Read about psychology first if anyone wants to leave a comment. Because I grew up without a father, which most men report having the most significant experiences with. Also, look up the statistics if you have two parents in a first world country u are basically priviliged for me. 

I never know my limits women react offensive to tests small male kids give them. I also think courts etc are way to biased. I talked with the political science major about this subject. I don't neccesarily think single moms should raise single male kids. It does not really work. 

Changes take longer because of all of these reasons above some guy form haiti with two parents could have less conditioned struggle and grow a lot faster. But now I am making assumptions enough for now.