Reflection - Mastery Discipline Life Purpose

[ValiantSalvatore]

Now the timer is running for a 15-minute block.

I woke up at 06:00 as planned today and planned my day yesterday in advance. I am doing the inner engineering course, as only pratices currently they offer Upa Yoga and Aum Meditation and after each class there are bonus session of each class which contain videos from sadghuru answering various questions. 

Otherwise, I tried the upa yoga yesterday and noticed that my flexibility is not very good, I can do some of the exercises, but I can't, for instance, sit in a deep squad position my bum sitting at the level of my calves is too far down. I'll think about doing stretching exercises, I mainly meditate or use background practice when I listen to sadghuru. I feel like I have a lot of insights which are for me new patterns of existence perceived by the senses. 

I want to try to recapitulate what I can recall as insights.

Doors open and doors close everything points towards an experience of no self, yet there is no self, to begin with. How many layers are there and what can I account towards saying, oh that is an experience, not influenced by ego. The thought is not ego, emotion is not ego, thinking is not egoic, action is not egoic, it all depends on your level of consciousness. There is a self a physical self, whether it's the brain, my knees, pain, my posture, the feeling of thought, the movement of breath etc. All of this what does it amount to currently? Senses gather intel and insights, they evoke insights and Intel, deep emotions, intuition, premonitions, action, reaction, quality, quantity, flow, isness, equanimity, etc. Still as I climb up the hill perceived behind that door, the door closes so fast behind me that I am stranded on the hill, the hill becomes an island, on the island I have to survive, there are less choices, what about doing nothing? Will it aid survival? Or is it just another pattern in human existence that has some purpose that can be transcended. Am I the victim or am I responsible for climbing down the hill or staying on the hill, to open another door? A door that maybe does not slam or a door that shows a new plane of existence, new meadows, new playing fields, a new game, a new level, a new island, a new hill, new land, new unexplored vast territory. What is a god? A perceived real sense of manifested and unmanifested consciousness in everything or just the sense and sensing of god as manifested consciousness in everything living, leaving out the unmanifested. That which does not live, breath, etc. Is a rock sentient? How do I know? By science? By modern NASA shirt wearing kids? Is that all there is apparently, or is my Blue/orange collective regional unconsciousness manifesting?

 

[ValiantSalvatore]

Now I originally set a 30-minute timer but, I do not want to have too many timers on my phone. One is for deep work one is for deep breaks, I can get so much done and stop feeling distracted solely, by not doing the 45min, 5 min, 45 min, 15 min cycle switch.

Short reflection of the day. Some things that I feel is that I start to truly miss my teens, just by listening to music 

All the dreams, hopes and youthful spirit it's still there without a doubt, I sometimes think that I am still pitting myself, while I worked through a lot of this let alone through the kriya experience, I can still recall the incident as it was caused two times by the same sense which was sound. On time hearing shinzens voice, and the other time my mom walking into the house. I am happy that I can do another retreat in August again and even September, yet with facilitators. Would be quite interesting to see what they teach instead of shinzen and how the approach techniques. 
 

I truly love this British pop-rock stuff so much, it reminds me of the days where we played soccer or I just even played FIFA with friends or alone going through the day, I never noticed that life itself can be gamified even though I always wished it, I never implemented. Yet, this is what I feel that I am doing now more and more, reaping, for instance, the serotonin and dopamine hits, solely through for instance using a public journal which would boost, my self-esteem and also raises my confidence. I read a book called positive computing which I bought in the Oxford library when I lived in London for two months. The book said that for instance when you play video games with a friend through building competence you increase the quality of eudaimonia and that good gamification and websites and in general products focus on the concept of eudaimonia which means well-being. 

Otherwise, in my deep breaks, I only read for 10 minutes in a book. Which I wanted to do because calnew port recommended it that you could do that and I still want to read more. I studied today approx for 4h without counting breaks amounting to 4h deep work and 50 minutes of deep breaks. The procrastination level was okay today, not all too disturbing having some good music in the background without vocals is a pleasant working environment. 
 

I ordered a couple of books the religion of tomorrow by Ken Wilber and a book from Martin ball. I also wanted to buy nootropics from this new seller https://nootropicsdepot.com/ (not new), their products seem to be quite good, still, MindNutritionUk has the best lions mane extract with 20:1 ratio is just nuts, dual extraction is apparently not very effective for lions mane for various reasons. Anyway, it's an extraction method that utilities hot water and ethanol (alcohol) for extraction, instead of solely hot water which already kills all of the vitamins such as for e.g vitamin b(x).

Otherwise, I truly had a more of a no-self day, not sure it is because I drank almost 4.5 liters of green tea and my nootrpics already contain 200mg of l-theanine, I read in some old forum post that 500mg is supposed to be excellent for sleep, now mind I brew green tea at 80 degree celsius which apparently ( I found out today) is good to permeate the water with more l-theanine (some poly chemical from tannins ).

More existential stuff:

I noticed I become less attached to knowledge and seeking knowledge, it does not bother me as much anymore and studying does not trigger me not much, sometimes the effort, so I am definitely and yes definitely and yes definitely still attached to effort. Otherwise, I feel my body is less me, it feels as if I am moving towards no-self or the theanine amount today was just so high that I was in a very high meditative state. I walked outside for half an hour and strolled through the campus, in this state, it felt quite surreal. There is one small spot I like to go since you can see a couple of hills, the forest and a clear view of the sky. The trees and the hills looked so alive, it's was in 4k not HD. For example, remember walking around with mind fog all day? How blurry reality felt? I am sooooooooooo happy that this is gone. It's so rare that I even feel brain fog or mental turmoil of some perceived nebulous entity running wild in my skull. I noticed that I do not see my body and my brain today as one unit, as I see my legs, my arms and my body. It was seperated from my body and especially the parts, where the reptilian brain, vagus nerve and the cerebellum reside and the other part of the brain "in the back" that I forgot. For instance, the reptilian brain (I hope I am not making simplifications) is responsible for gulping and breathing. Which is noticeable, I feel a lot of physical flow in that area and label this part correctly as such. (Blue/orange what isness.... -> my region)

This is about it.
Of what I want or could want to write for now. The internship that I am doing on campus with the prof, is run by a company whiches owner has had some weird unexpected cancer found....... inside of him. His body was paralyzed and they even said chemo a low probability to help in the situation. He made it through with some weird drug cocktail and now he works on bio and nanotechnology and quantum computing (IIRC) and has an engineering degree. My prof had an accident and was operated ( as I wrote in a post above please read about personality types of you project at this point u don't understand Fe vs Fi ...  which is not so tricky but ok), sooo... we! skyped and told me about all of the changes that took place in the company, that the investor jumped off and now he wants to run things with students, the level of complexity of the tasks is high to decent? Some of the stuff is in advanced google courses, yet no idea how difficult it will be, yet time-consuming. Anyway, I've gone off topic. I wanted to write about something else oh yeah, about.... Meiosis, Recombination and outcrossing to recall what I learned in the deep break.

Meiosis (for the brave reader sarcasm irony intended) is the act of a male or female species to fertilize their (germant oder eben scheiß Bakterium) sperm or ova. With either 75000 chromosomes of their parents, a mixture of the parents or only father or only mother, yet a mixture is usual ... and both do that! Also if they would not do that they would double the chromosomes passed to the next generation, since a fertilized cell is always (cough) diploid containing 46 chromsoms then, haploid germ cells (like sperm or the ova not fertilized ), so if both would pass on their genes with a diploid "cell" they would increase the gen pool. Therefore meiosis exists... the process of fertilization and either sending 75000 chromosomes to one ova or inside the sperm is already the reduction to a haploid set, which "recombines"... if I get the context from random websites + the book correct the new set of chromosomes. Which should be diploid meaning they have two chromosome sets.  Outcrossing would be eliminating parts of the gene pool so the genes that were not chosen to be transmitted by the male or female species in their "germs". 

Took me 40 mins. 10 min for the last part with only googling diploid to check and ! fking transmitted für vererben... (the inner adolf lurks in all of us )
 


 

[ValiantSalvatore]

I set a 10 min timer.

I tend to forget that reflection is a constant and ongoing process, I could "thank" the Ni Ti loop even if I never read much about it or rather the loop of Ni vs Se observation for letting me constantly recycle my cycle of what I know and don't.

I will start studying today at 10:10 in the morning. I am now in day 6 of the inner engineering course, sadghuru shows some nice insights into the Indian culture and their "traditions" or "secular" mode of presenting tradition in a secular way. Therefore... opening op the possibility and room for greens to explore, orange to think it's potentially the "way" to x etc. For yellow to explore the complexity of these systems especially if you want to conflate with physiological mechanisms as I want to do. Yesterday my "Saturday" stroll reminded me of how much I loved to live and be in Beijing and London also Paris, yet not as long. I long for that experience, yet I know I'll miss the nature of the more rural region as I often have. Because we often visited friends of my family and they lived in a small village. They ... had a hill right across their backyard towering over the scenery. I loved... (classic insight)

How it always seemed that there is something behind. I love exploration and curiosity it is my top value and or rather strength I revisited this now for 3 years approx and it still ranks and is in my top 3 most of the time top 1 strength. Therefore learning about things that are valued by culture or an individual is highly "addictive" for me. Reading about the body, yoga, physiology, techniques, history, culture etc. Even if these are "more" "green" stuff. I love it and I am certainly not denying that. 

Otherwise, I found two new sites to order nootropics from. Iherb and nootropics depot, one is a seller in Spain the other in the U.S in Arizona. 

Looking forward to my workout today lifting some weights this time, deadlifts, bench presses and "barbell curls" I think. I feel I am getting more and more on track with life and notice how important it is as an introvert to life recluse, especially after sadguru spoke about the benefits of silence and creation. Yet, I am going overboard with my literal descrption.. say what you mean. I mean that I noticed that being introverted and spending time alone as a "social" introvert I notice that I need to and want to keep working away at something, then I feel and can act as a recluse philosopher or seeker not being in much contact with people for weeks, etc. It does not bother me as much, yet I still ... want my serotonin hits and therefore sometimes call a friend. Still, there has been a lot of change now the groundwork of new change begins while I am embodying old things. Let's see how well this goes, I am definitely optimistic and two minutes over my schedule lol. 

[ValiantSalvatore]

I know I journal a lot I start to enjoy this since this keeps me accountable. Normal journaling is nice, yet I feel oversaturated doing it because I journal for quite some time now physically. 

What do I want to write about:
Workout, Studying, Productivity, Uni 

First workout. I finished my workout today but was a bit disappointed, yet I just checked this site. https://strengthlevel.com/strength-standards/deadlift/lb

I am not doing that bad but I never tested my maximum "total" rep, I deadlift with about 60 - 70 kg without counting the pole for 8 reps. My max that I tested where 80 or 90 kilos, but I can do I guess around 120kg 2 times, I will test this next time for curiosities sake.

Studying:
I am doing fine, for now, I finished 4 study session so that is 3 h coding in java, I am not making progress I understand the code so far, yet I don't understand what he wants with his script, I bought the recommended book and they have an example of my project, yet with a different paradigm. Now, I will definitely test this and found one site from an American university which is amazing, they explained have a really good code example and do exactly what I imagined how the project will look like, yet they did not care about Exceptions and Throws etc. I am still new to all of this, I still regret my choice of major, but all in all, it is not that bad. I checked again for a couple of unis for my masters, there are so many options. Also, my friend who wrote the paper accepted my request that he teaches me and we code together, python and more a.i topics. So, I will get into convolutional neural networks for two weeks approx and then start my internship if everything works out perfectly. So, I will learn some deep concepts in android programming during the internship and would like to get into machine learning and a.i but. Even when I see projects papers etc. I have no clue what I am getting into still it fascinates me so much. All the questioning and thinking I like it also to ponder about it after a study session. 

Productivity:
I noticed that I have 16h of waking time. But I only study for approx 4-5h on a free day, with lectures I study approx the same amount of time including lectures. I stick to the calnewport advice for and also for my masters. Let's say I hit a 5h study day. With 50 min breaks total. That would amount to this current structure.


2 h morning routine, 1h30 meditation (inner engineering meditating while listening to the old man ), shower
30 min Breakfast cooking tea writing a post here
9:30

Study approx 3 session 
3h
12:30

Cook and eat
13:45 approx

Study again 3 sessions
16:45

Gym go home, shower, eat chill 10 -15 min
16:45 - 18:20-30~

18:30 - 19:00 ( ideal) walk outside

Cook tea 3 study sessions (the last session no break as always !)
21:50

Go to bed, write post here, 10-15 min, read a bit and go to sleep.
22:05 - 22:30


This would amount to on a Sunday and Saturday or a day without lectures. So that would actually be a 10h study day if everything works out perfectly. 9 h of study sessions with each 3 session study session amounting to 20 min of breaks and then moving on to the next task. In 10 min approx.
So, 8h 30 (7h 30 focused attention hm...) being in front of the computer. lol I am doing 4-5h. If I do another 3 sessions today then I am at 7h of studying effectively 350minutes 6h of studying almost a day. Without breaks. When I finish the last three study sessions today. Yet, I am exceeding my timer vastly. So, hm... not sure I like the structure, but not sure if feasible or if I am overdoing it. For an exam period, it is definitely okay, but I feel I can tickle a thing or more out of this structure, but mainly things like ordering notes, preparing exercises, doing mock exams. I am still not very good on that, notes yes, doing mock exams yes. Preparing for exercises eh.. hell no! Not yet! I will do some of it soon.

I call friends and family sometimes during breaks for some social interactions. I kicked two friends out of my life and I can't stand orange/green tendencies and complacency, hedonistic decadence also orange arrogance is annoying and drives toxicity and gossip. (Different story) But, I am happy most here are greenish~ but there is a strong blue/Orange, Orange/blue shadow. Although I forgot the description of Orange blue...

Let's see I want to utilize the deep breaks for watching infotainment and I use my notepad for that. But for now I want to continue with this structure I am getting out of this laziness and more into doing, the exercising discipline and shinzen meditation structure is fantastic. Now, I feel I can live the life many of my achieving peers do. And yes I am integrating a lot of orange success etc, but more principle-based and not unconscious automatic habitually learned and playing power games, things are done for the sake of doing things. 

Chop wood and carry water.  
 

 

 

[ValiantSalvatore]

Short journal entry: max 15min time.

I am cooking tea right now and have classes around 11:45. 

I will write down my daily schedule in my bullet journal and have a bowl of oats with dried fruits in front of me. One trick I know is to use peanut butter which is a tip from JP to add enough calories till lunch time. Especially if you eat early in the mornings around 07:00 to 08:00. It's very good and will last approx to 12:00. I don't have peanut butter currently, so I am eating more oats. 

I am done with the inner engineering course and I am still debating what I want to do with the extra 30 minutes that I plan in the morning. I tend to want to do stretching exercises for half an hour, so I can finally sit in a full lotus position and be ready to tackle yoga in all of it's forms. But I mainly want to do Hatha. Hatha yoga and mindfulness meditation seem to be a perfect adjust to western culture and it's problems, especially without being demonized and people talking behind one's back in a way that is too dogmatic. The inner engineering course suprised me a bit. It is definitely not good to learn pratices, I can learn them for free on the net. I noticed this but was too attached to the idea to learn from courses and not rely on stage orange
learning from my own thinking and experience and trusting it. Which is a secular approach or a secular value, which also can be highly dogmatic. See any cs student who wants to become king of the hill! In his or her own practical way! Hail pragmatism!

Now I wanted to write a post about asking how to deal with darkness while meditating, it still scares me so much sometimes. Depending on which shades of shadow I see and form, my imagination goes "bonkers". I see the devil with horns, evil Christian stuff thanks to this great great culture, goats with horns, golum, all of this stuff in my imagination I see reflected in the forms of visual shadow when I open my eyes at night and meditate. I tell myself it's a figment of imagination, it's not real or it's fine, it's just a shadow etc. Yet, I don't have a very good framework to deal with darkness. 

Somehow my timer did not track to block the site... 

I want to study therefore I am going to close this site and start planning my day and get the studying done. 

I want to create, meaningful experiences, and deal with the inevitability of meaninglessness, I want to have great friends, I want to create the life that I want, I want to be excellent in what I do, I want health, I want joy, I want consciousness, I want peace, I want to love, I want all of it ! I want life to be the way that I want it to! I want idealism. I want perfection. I want happiness. I want to live in and see beautiful cities and sceneries. 

That is about it for now. 

 

Edited June 24, 2019 by ValiantSalvatore

[ValiantSalvatore]

I set a 10-minute timer. -> Turned to 21 minutes

I definitely am quite satisfied with the routine even though it is not perfect. 
I woke up at 07:00 this time and had a pleasant day and finished the last course from Sadghuru.

I still do not like my neighbors, but it could be worse. I'll call the police if they start again talking till 4 at night if they know exactly, that I can hear them.

I am not dealing with this type of stuff and this is practicing assertiveness and getting what I want therefore silence.

I decided that I will do 30 min of stretching exercises in the morning I will figure out exactly what tomorrow I did already some and asked a couple of people at the retreats but most of them could sit in a good Burmese position naturally. I can also but my knees are still too high. I meditated for a long time only on a chair, that was fine till I noticed I was pissed at myself when I went to the retreat and could not sit for 1h and 30 min. 1h is fine I have a Zafu and a Zabuton, but not 1h and 30 min.

Otherwise, I wanted to write about my work out routine I am now in week 4 and today I did the following. 

• 95 Burpees
• 70 Climbers
• 70 Jumps

Without counting the warm-up, the warm-up is also exhausting sometimes. It took me about 50 min +- 5 to finish this. It was very hot and I don't know how much that impacted my performance. I also tried to write one post, but I got blocked by my app lol. So, that was unfortunate. 

I am not seeing the results that I want for this amount of time I spend training now, but it definitely has an effect on me outside the gym, I am more disciplined and I start to work like clockwork, that app also and the exercises are also done in a clockwork manner, Short an intensive but effective. 

One thing for sure, the cafeteria food fk my training, my cooking is way cleaner it felt so drowsy while I trained, I am madly overexaggerating yet I felt the unconsciousness I want to say of the food.

I finish 7 study sessions today amount to almost 6h of studying. I am definitely getting better. But I don't like the students as I said so often. I like the professors more. It's annoying to have Orange/green fun boys and girls around I'd rather call them kids. But they are just annoying. It's not fun. 

I joined the beach volleyball group hopefully I get to play sometime during the internship or exam period. Exams are in two weeks, my first project I have to hand over on Friday.

I also listened to the deep work audiobook again and he explained one technique of deep training, I'll call it, it is basically any offtime used to deeply think about a project, task, problem, paper, etc. But, some principles! Don't stay in the loop meaning that you think about what you know think about the problems and the points, that you are targeting. Also, come back to the problem as soon as you stopped thinking about it, the narrator explained it that it's like mindfulness meditation you come back to your object of "concentration.." in this case. 

I definitely can be more effective this has proven to be fun for now. There is more that I want to write about but I am already 5 mins over my timer. and I will write about endless breadth, not depth. 
 

I want to watch this video and do a review of this journal. So, I most likely won't post that much.

Note to myself, the scheduling of deep breaks was not done and I am still a bit prone to rather distract myself or keep studying. Not reading an article or book. One thing I did is I took my physical journal that I bought with me and I also have a bullet journal where I plan mostly ONE day or sometimes an entire week. One day is currently better, there is not much to do and I've not really set myself goals, but challenges.

One thing to think about the difference, between challenges (masculine growth.. according to Wilber and Deida...), goals, and visions and how to combine them. 

To form a meaningful life and work on stage blue discipline.


Also, potentially to reflect on notes taken on my digital journal in one note about video lectures and books. So I can provide some value with content from the integral life site, youtube lectures and a couple of books that I have not reviewed solely physically, but most of it will be incomplete but short snippets and such. I definitely have an idea of how to use my deep breaks, but I want to convince myself first. 
 

[ValiantSalvatore]

The site will be blocked in 10 minutes.

Now I did my 1h of meditation and will do 30-20 min of stretching exercises in the morning. I found some exercises but I will do more of the old with one new stretch to the thigh muscles and most likely one stretching exercise one guy told me helped him at the retreat. Some of these yoga movements are just bananas I am not a flexible banana yet. 

Otherwise, I overslept again for 1h because I went back to bed I was so tired and it's exhausting working out and studying the whole day I want quality sleep I need 7h+ not less. I only slept for 6h 30 which was not enough.

I tested a biphasic sleep cycle and tracked my sleep. I want to track my sleep again, but not with my phone in bed. Therefore I want to buy this ring the guy in the video above has.

So, let's see what I get done. 

Important questions:
What is necessary to change?
What are the current obstacles?
How can I implement a smooth habit stacking?
Which habit starts the habit stack?


Waking up and turning off my phone opening the shutters and making my bed. 
Stack afterward grab phone and cloths
Go to the bathroom, (toilet), turn on the video, shower( cold ideally)
Brush teeth, drink water a cup with nootropics
Meditation 
Stretching


This is how my morning routine and habit stack is supposed to look like.

Current obstacle: going to bed at a time that is to late.
Obstacle: Watching youtube videos and wanting to relax while not relaxing in the breaks. 

TIme is up site will be blocked in 20 sec lol 
 

[ValiantSalvatore]

Alright, 20 min timer. 

I finished 9 study sessions today on a day with no classes that are. Almost 8h of studying. I still slacked off and I don't like that my body needs food. It's onerous to feed oneself, to stay healthy is fun and eat healthy food, yet to keep everything organized is not so fun. Good for practicing mindfulness or listening to audiobooks, but not fun.

Still, I am getting the hang of what it seems like to live like a performer that is an actual social class or milieu in studies. I took a personality type test and bought a book it's a bit cheesy but it's more in the self-help realm. The person went to Yale and her name is Gretchen Rubin. I like to take a pop-psychology quiz, although this is more about personality and habit tendencies. https://quiz.gretchenrubin.com/ 

 

I just found out what the Tx button in the header of the forum, the comment writing section is. It deletes the format of the text! Yes, that's possible.

Now, I am still not satisfied with how I go about distractions and how I am not having an impact. Besides optimization, the next key principles I want to implement is impact and producing results. I ordered nootropics for 80 bucks I want to write a report about the ones I bought, yet let's see when I will get to it. I think the ones that I tested are very good for people who did not meditate for a long time and have trouble with inattentiveness, you are going to be driven to do smth. The seller updated the formula and for anyone interested. https://store.mindnutrition.com/formulas/neurodrive?search_query=Neurodrive&results=5#/27-quantity-90_veggie_caps

The seller is a bit pricy, but the quality of some of their products is insane when compared. The lion's mane extract has a 20:1 ratio and is dual extracted I read from a post here that this is necessary to increase NGF (Neural Growth Factor). 

Hm... otherwise I hope I will get done with all of the tasks, I am not sure if I am being pedantic in a non-neurotic way. But, I am learning more and more how to be productive I've been so complacent and lazy. I still have some beliefs YET! I am also in my 30-day challenge of visualization and negating limiting beliefs and replacing them with positive ones.

 

One thing I that is slightly retarded is that the f.lux app does not work properly I just noticed that there is no blue light, which has been an issue for a couple of days. I truly do notice that I become more tired I bet it will take me more time today. A windows update causes this error. 

Now for take away:

Make a list when done with exams about high-impact activities and low impact activities.
Align them with your LP. Work on them and optimize impact and results. 

Also, two books arrived today and I had a lovely interaction with my neighbor you have to be high in compassion to be so polite (and compassionate) and she was hot AF omg, sorry I am turning American orange, but holy fk, she was hot and cute and wore a white summer dress. and brought me the book - religion of tomorrow by Ken Wilber - my current favorite author with still ... Paulo Cauhelo ( I know I don't read that much ) And she was smiling at me. Made me feel "darn" (cough) good, also had a weird interaction with a girl while eating in the cafeteria. Sometimes I hate Ni... .but fine... I miss some ENTJ's I only meet one so far or two IIRC. I'll recall more another time. Or some legit INTJ. .... WHERE AReTHEY!

This got me thinking about dating again. But I want to do this in my masters first. So, it's more chop wood and carry water time for now. 







 

[ValiantSalvatore]

I am trying to make a short entry, a class has been canceled therefore they suggested going there at 11:45 in a different "exercise" group.

This is a rant 

I am not sure if I will be done till Friday the project has to be finished and I have to send it to him. I am almost done with the annoying task, yet it is the foundation for the next thing anyway.

I am in the library and there are not a lot of people I feel a bit self-conscious and I just hope that I get this semester done. I feel like a failure sometime or rather think it, yet when I consider my circumstances and statistics I am doing way better than most. Just by asking around, yet my interest changed so much this has been a recurrent theme, but it is mostly into one direction. That is a creative expression of what I can regard as language, logic and concepts also mathematical concepts. I am not a fan of design, I could get into web design and I dislike the business type people here, the management or so would be cool but an accountant ... no. I can see why people do it, yet not sure how this can be stimulating.

I am going to meet up with my prof today and rather soon, I can't tell if 10 days will be enough to finish the final parts of the project that is what I wanted to ask him. I hate the situation that I am in still and this place is was a bad choice, yet I could not have foreseen the impact my "redundant" family has. I am thank full, yes, but being complacent and to content is extremely complacent. 

Still, I can't stand this region I can't stand how they use language, I can't stand how they interact with each other, I can't stand that they are baby hitlers without recognizing it. When I look for what people vote here and the school system, it's one stubborn shit cu** region. There is no other expression for it. 

Still it has a tech scene ! It's incredible how toxic these people here are I read a post about toxic people yesterday and all this what I am doing just shows this region is toxic. It's like you need to find a subculture of people to not be influenced by some of their hitlery, the student's council is utterly retarded, I joined them. I can feel the latent toxicity and I worked at different companies which where way way cleaner.

I am still stuck in comparisson mindset and not sure sometimes if I should meditate my ass off to not think like them. I am happy when this semester is over and I can work on projects that I like. I am a bit concerned that I will receive a mediocre grade again for some project that I misinterpreted and the teacher gives no hint of what the final project should look like. Others ask around or have some friends etc. With this much hitlery I am not sure if making friends is possible when every second fk kid gets triggered by competition and feels to either compete and say things like only because he is black or I am just ignored because well, who are you and eh ok you there. Oh and the other foreigners just make it great for me. Fantastic hitlery region. I wish hitler existed for these guys. So I don't have to exist. 

 

[ValiantSalvatore]

Some things really got me thinking especially the point about survival. I can't tell how much I enjoy the topic as well as I am fascinated by it, but at the same time. My current disappointment in myself hurts me the most, the last kriya experience caused me to work through a lot of old emotions and so much has been cleansed it is sick. My mental story although is perpetuated still, I never looked in terms of survival at the world as much, my old friends were into it and I disliked it because it somehow was just a thing my friends liked. But I wanted to change and do things that I was and am passionate about, which are even more classist or it's just a hierarchy regardless of skill .. etc. It's annoying to play within power dynamics but it's better than to suppress them I read a chapter about shadow work in ken Wilbers book, I still feel bad that I am not making and producing the results that I want and this chapter about shadow work was especially good. The used the term introjection, which means that you internalize the voice of another wife, husband, friends, father, mother, co-worker some celebrity etc. I noticed this, but never seen this as part of the shadow. 

I never cried so much then this year, I felt I was really crippled but my emotions and range of it really opened up after the kriya experience, I feel I can cry and vent when I am going overboard or when "aggression" agrees to fast. 

Today was also not a very good day, I got into an argument with my professor I did not like this guy from the beginning, it's the vibe I get when people I think we're victims and now become the perpetrator. He became so angry also it was very hot and people are very irritable because I said that I don't think the script is good and bought a book in advance and showed him code from another uni. I said that 3 times and he was just angry at one point I can't understand why I think so often about this principle of the 7 habits of highly effective people seek first to understand then to be understood. So, i tried ... which is difficult with emotionally ... not so attuned humans. That I try to understand him first and the situation, but I utterly failed. I was way to driven and could not focus on his emotions or how I come across or anything like that. It's retarded and I don't like this person he also does not have a very good rating on a site where you can rate professor it's a bit old, but his ratings are not that good. 

I told him that because I could not comprehend how he can not comprehend that I comprehend something which he explains to me, and I repeat it in order to understand the situation, the problem etc. Now, I got something wrong which is fine, but he did not read in the context of what I was saying that is also the problem with this Blue/orange Nazi-techs, that they always think about what is. How things literally are. And they don't know jack about it. Even if he is a bit egalitarian not emotionally morally, yes but not emotionally. So, he could not show me if the piece of code that I wanted to use can be used for the project or if my solution would work, he explained some things to me, but he can't empathize. It's nice that people value logic, but these explanations are so uncreative. Then I try to repeat what I understand and then he explains something else, I told him yes I understood this part and he tells me I only need these two lines of code. Then we got into a small argument about the structure of the school, because some professors are just assholes and create limiting beliefs. Since they treat what is. Still, this ruined my day pretty much since I thought I would make some progress with the project. He aborted the meeting because he got so angry. I hate this guy and his trio of profs who like each other I truly have a lot of anger in me which means I want to move forward, I am apparently impatient yes. I watched Leos video on that while I cleaned the dishes, but he talked exactly like the friend who I kicked out of my life. Even if I like him a bit or my old friend a lot, this is just ridiculous they are emotionally so immature that I wonder how can they be in a relationship. My friend argued the whole time with his girlfriend I never know about what, but it feels so cringy. 

I know have to re-schedule my schedule or plan and have to invest some time every day till the project is supposed to be due. Which is in Exactly 3 weeks. I hope this will work out I am scared that I will fail the exams. I am not sure anymore how I can approach life and live successfully, my genetics don't really give me an advantage here besides in sports and other aspects. I only have my mom who supports me the whole time, I already feel and have slight tears in my eyes thinking about this. While I can't exchange with another American person since there are just non-there. Maybe 3. And I have nobody to share my thoughts and feelings etc to. And the people that I share it to don't want to hear it. But, they have full support from family, from their folk, nation, etc. Politeness is not compassion. Politeness is not compassion. Politeness is not compassion. Politeness is not compassion. Politeness is not compassion and politeness is not compassion. It may be respect of hierarchy, status, integrity, modalities, rules, tolerance (which is not acceptance)  it also is an expression of sympathy, but it is not empathy. People like him drove me to the spiritual path and makes me hate this region. The collective unconscious has a very strong blue/orange status hierarchy driven undertone. This introjection..... reading about it I think it is what my prof triggered and I was already subconsciously doing... I did shadow work quite rigorously for 2 years I will get back into it after reading it since I most likely be doing it for some stages. Now, what I make out of introjection especially with aggression reading the article on Wikipedia they differentiate between assimilation and introjection (Laura and Fritz Pearls I still thank Ralph Smart for this.. ) now, assimilation is acquiring something new out of the environment and making it one's own and perpetuating the acquired attribute and using it for growth. For instance, renowned aggression lets you move forward or develop a drive, a disowned aggression will make you lash out and attack and project others who want to move forward see driving in a car or they just are angry and can't control their drive.

Now introjection seems is different in that the new thing that is acquired from the environment or the outer world, social environment, friends, neighbors, classmates, nations, state, the globe, etc. is internalized without making any distinctions or review of it, therefore internalizing it and making it one's own. The review and discrimination and distinction part are crucial because the new thing that is being acquired wants to be reviewed or made sense out of. For instance, I have an internal voice of various subpersonalities, for instance, a coach, a "wannabe" academy, " nice guy", " a compassionate guy", "an American voice" etc. etc. They all sound different Now I want to use this for shadow work since subtle is significant I hope that I can use this for positive results.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Introjection

[ValiantSalvatore]

Today I think I figured out what a classists approach kind of thinking is because of the interaction with my prof and videos from shinzen. 

Also, why I don't like people who never studied or modern materialists and power games. It's utterly racist and puts people down in order to survive and let their preconceived notions of reality sink in. That is also even if students are respectful older students are sort of bananas. They can't see how their own relativism causes stressful responses and then it's all a joke and fun! No, it is not. 

Now if you are trapped in the meme culture faglords fanboy gayeroni group, you are and have been basically a low performer as I've been for quite some time now. I also don't think you can enjoy life fully since one is trapped in hedonistic and decadent pleasure. It is decadence in the original meaning of the world, too much of this stuff rots culture and is just a form of escapism. I am so done, so done. With video games and their followers who are most depressed and have issues in their life around bullying etc. Some of it is fine, yet I can see why it is toxic, why I quitted and why I am not prone to doing it, especially since I think about this biologically, there are actual changes in your brain happening if you want it or not. Sure I'd also say I've read an article that it makes you less prone to thinking negatively about gender, race, stereotypes, etc. Since you play the role of a female character for instance, but most and that is what I would call the classist decadent gamer are in it for the lulz, there is no journey and a mystical magical feeling or an idea as seeing it as a method of training, practice, improvement of some sort but it's just fun and mems and good feels, and orange/green decadence. It's not very good. The most conscious people who don't meditate I meet never even watched TV and were only allowed to watch the first three channels on TV, and they are by far way more successful than the average actualized.org user. Being pure in some sense does have value. Yet, I am done with orange/green kids playing 20h of video games a week is too much. Pick one day and play as much as you want, but doing it every day, every week for longer then a couple of hours without any discipline is not good. I am happy that I am done with these activities there are things that are more important and also are more fun. 

 

[ValiantSalvatore]

Writing a post very late. 

I am still studying which is not good.

I thoroughly messed up my preparations because I struggled this semester again because of family problems and took on to many projects. I've read two books early, in the beginning, of this semester from Cal Newport I used to read tips from his blog and had an audiobook from hin so good they can't ignore you, I downloaded also Deep Work. Now, I took more action and had some setbacks for various reasons, for instance, it took me a whole weekend to know that I have to activate a certain setting on my phone to work with the android studio since my code was actually working. I still don't know why but the girl at the office fixed this problem for me within 2 seconds I asked her via Skype and she fixed it a couple of days later. 

Still, I want to re-strategize even if I fail an exam this semester which can or can not happen. I am not sure, yet I want to follow and achieve my life purpose and therefore finishing this degree, it's almost impossible now to fail it, even by statistics. Yet, I notice how key meditation is and taking practical actions in domains that I struggle with, I think I start to understand upahia or skillful means, to act skillfully and mindful at the same time.

Now, today my workout was quite gruesome but still fine. I did my warm up which is recommended by the app and I still don't like diving pushups they are exhausting I can't do even 10 in a row even if I can do around 20 - 40 pushups I never tested this, because the cycles of repetition in the app do not force me to go over 10 or 20 pushups in one set in one cycle or rounds or bouts. 

I did in total 
75 Burpees (25 high jump burpees)
100 Leg plank switches ( for this first time)
250 Jumping Jacks 
25 Jumps ( just jumping into the air )
6 x 40m sprints (20x20m) 
40 pushups 
14 diamond pushups

and yes the warm-up + stretches + 25 jumps at the end.

In approx 1h 10 which is not that fast and the recommended time to finish this exercise is in 30 -47 minutes. So, yeah.. that was not particularly fast. But I did all of them so. I see also some gains but I want to keep moving forward and stay on to aggress mode and approach this with diligence and patience next workout will be on Saturday, I'll potentially post my habit tracker way. Yet, not sure if I want to post something personal in here. Let's see..

The leg plank switches and the sprints were killer, even if the leg planks are not that difficult it was somehow difficult to do them, also because of heat, etc. 

Also, I noticed that I want to do at least one shadow work session for most likely the rest of my life a day lol, or at least a couple times a week, when shadow elements reach up to the non-dual stages and one can get shadow material with prana etc. And I can't pinpoint precisely what it is only what I know which is the life energy.

Also, again the introjection part -> Which means to have an internalized voice of another which was acquired from the environment, for instance, father, mother, child, inner critic, anger, nationality other sub-personas for e.g programmer, academic, football coach, good friend, good lover, husband, wife etc. The critical point is that these voices were acquired through not reviewing or making a dedicated decision that this voice is not making sense, is not useful, is not good etc. A phase of recognizing this voice has never happened it just slipped through into the unconsciousness, it can also be and this is what I mainly see it the collective "unconsciousness" for e.g ideals, believes, notions, ideas, behaviors (even maybe). For e.g practicality is good and everything needs to be useful and must be useful. This neurotic wording and voice is already part of my shadow and I want to bring it out and not own it but to toss this voice out! Since this is not useful. This is the most important point between differentiating with shadow assimilation (classic projection as far as I understand) and shadow introjection internalization of voices. I thought about this while working out since I notice my subtle talk diminishes and I still have a lot to learn since sound is the shallowest part of the senses apparently.

Also, I listened to a life practice program of Shinzen Young last night because I was frustrated because of the interaction with my professor and he pretty much and I have to re-listen since I fell asleep, said the thing that I intuit the whole damn time. Which is my cerebellum is also responsible for my behavior. I feel so much "feel flow" at this part since everything as far ... IIRC is labeled flow which has a pulsory or vibratory nature or some tingling sense, for instance, one student asked how he should label his heartbeat and he said as flow, so the pumping and vibratory feeling of the heartbeat is flow not feel out. For instance, though the smell is labeled as out. So, yeah since labeling the cerebellum with the feel flow label and the internal voice labeling that the same way, when it increases or decreases in speed I can tell, okay this is working way better and smoother since other regions are consciously recognized by me afterward as flow. I feel my whole body in flow and can how this pumping, gulping, etc. is caused by the cerebellum. Now what Shinzen said that it coordinates balance and motor skills as far as I can recall as the behavior I want to listen to the talk again and write about it, I'll meditate over it literally potentially on the weekend and read an article on Wikipedia or so. As well as I can with as much time as can bear, yet this will work. I am overthinking now. Oh, yes I definitely want to re-strategize I failed my 30-day cbt and vision challenge I did the vision part and will continue today to finish the 30-day challenge. I was so tired and meditate again for 50 min in the evening with a 1h session in the morning because I was not in the mood to do smth. I want to get this mindset out of my head, that I want and need to be in a mood which I mostly have to get down to work on some project, regardless for work, free time, etc. 

Also, this is great for studying if you are into electronic music 
 

Note on day 15 I failed.

Edited June 27, 2019 by ValiantSalvatore

[ValiantSalvatore]

I don't know why I could pinpoint, yet I am very motivated today for no reason and I am in a good mood with only 1h and 20 min of sleep. 

I want to increase my ability to strategize, yet I see the limits of yellow and I am not a very organized person or industrious person by nature, most of it I have to train myself to run automatically. Life still feels like clockwork skimming the Actualized.org Textbook I will definitely re-read this and an I want to make a 6 day work week where I work on relevant projects for Uni and take Saturday or Sunday of to read. 

Also, to do a bit of speed reading training again, since I lost track of how good I am at it. 

Otherwise, I am thinking about what to review. I definitely don't want to critically assess my current situation and would like to write about positive plans or situations or actions. 

Studying and discipline are two things I am getting more and more the hang off, especially with my large expectations and I hope I can ace my last semester of studies. I am also a bit more optimistic about shadow work, yet I want to clean my room and finish this project and then start with a normal schedule again. This is not feasible long-time but the green tea is a super stimulant. This is all there is to it currently I will continue with my project and keep working at enlightenment, meditation, love, relationships, studying, life purpose, being a life long learner, acquiring wisdom, open-mindedness and acceptance. My biology, my psychology, history, politics, systems, structures, etc. Yet, currently computer science I am looking forward to my masters next year if everything works out perfectly and I want to build upon the foundation that I have built over the past years and keep working at it. There is so much that I have not, yet done and I am happy that I am out of this slump of negativity, mind fog, self-hatred, and loathing, decadence, hedonism, procrastination and more. I still have a lot of doubts, yet turning to friends and family helps and receiving support. 

I want to turn my life around 720 degrees and charge forward and create what I want to create, listen to the advice that is applicable to my life situation, wisdom etc. Doing common wisdom as a common practice and learn about principles. I think this is what makes yellow deep besides models that internally derived principles of how life functions have a lot of horizontal breadths. 

The more conscious I become the better and greater my life circumstances turn out to be. Training with a master in meditation and learning from him as a teacher is great, worshipping is a difference, having a good sense of admiration is inspiring. I also want to say, I don't know how many times I made fun of spiritual masters because they are dirty enlightened old men who fart shaktipa and make people enlightened through this. Or have a great character and are enlightened is just makes me grin.   I want this too, and working for it with a great master and teacher is humbling as well as compelling to aggress.



After Exams, I want to take a whole day or two and review my notes here as well as physically in written as well as auditorially in spoken form. (No videos yet of what I just like to do since I also like media, film, creativity at large).


I am looking forward to my masters I still have not decided yet to which Uni I will go since I want to connect it with my bachelors and there are two key topics I want to dive into which is machine learning and a.i. Yet, this won't be easy so embrace myselfs! I definitely have the right proof to land a career at a different company than SAP or Bosh or smth. like that. I also want to keep integrating orange. I want to read up on that. 
 

[ValiantSalvatore]

Short post it's quite late.

Writing a post here and reflecting on immediate thoughts brought to my attention that I grew a lot solely through reflecting in my journals and writing down stuff physically and dong exercises like CBT and shadow work and using it as a gratitude journal. It truly is a way to solve problems I totally forgot this. 

Well, still I feel very odd. I keep thinking about classes more in a social constructed way and the video from Leos blog is what i feel and can comprehend quite well especially with shinzen youngs paradigm. I still did not listen to the life practice program session where he talks about the cerebellum.  When the exams are done I definitely want to get more into health as I am doing now, my exercises are going great. Tomorrow or today rather... will be the easiest workout I've done in some time not sure why the app recommends it but I am following through for now. 

I see some small contours of me having a six-pack without needing to stretch out my belly muscles. Oh yeah and I sinned two times I checked Instagram and saw some old people from my old school, It's just more decadence in a sense but they have fun in their hedonistic lives. Not sure what I can make out of that thought, besides analyzing my situation. Hmm.... I'll want that the internship and my bachelors and the taken moduls in programming are worth it and I want to read more books. One chapter of a Wilber book and I already have to change my whole approach to who I see myself and shadow work. 

Also I want to watch more videos from Paul Check he seems to be old 50-60+ read Wilber and talks a lot about spirtuality etc. But I also thought about how much time I spend on the TV, I definitely want to take some walks and ponder and listen to some audiobooks while I am doing the internship here. So, I can ponder in and with nature.

[ValiantSalvatore]

Max 10 minute entry: ( 2-5~ish over)

I wanted to review my meditation techniques before I meditate my sleep schedule is for now in disarray and I want to re-structure it again. Yet, I will stay spontaneous for now because of my not very good preparation for my exams. So... I have to see and first do a review before I criticize and be harsh towards myself without any solid reason.

Meditation current techniques I use.

See, hear, feel paradigm from Shinzen

Order of how often I use the techniques in a session and their effects (IIRC)

1. Hear in = Notice identification with self (also the quality of the talk, making a distinction for e.g if it's breadth or deepth) 
2. Feel Flow = destruction of what  apparently  is or a destructive technique I call it destruction for now
3. See in = notice mental image, behind the mental talk, with mental talk, 
4. Feel Out = notice, pain, heat, the hidden invocation of flow, wind, physical pain, cushion, pressure, tense feelings
5. Hear Flow = destruction of vibrations in sound, cyclic sound, oscillating, humming, buzzing, fast talk space also the movement of it slowing down or speeding up. 
6. See Rest = notice rest states grayscale black like a movie screen that is dark
7. Hear Out = notice the start of sound and end, beginning and ending of cycles, new input of sound, utterances, a sound that I do myself, breathing, moving
8. See Out = movement of new points of my eyes saccades dynamic movements of the eyes to find a new fix point, therfore finding fixpoints with eyes open,  objects moving into see space, eyes refocusing when blinking on one point or the whole space
9. Gone = notice vanishing, destroys time and space 
10. See Flow = flow when eyes closed, "fractal" or light movements off green or red or dots moving in the greyscale black of rest, images forming in the grayscale blank 
11. Hear Rest = silent undertone of nature, or that high beep sound when you just sit and there is no quality what so ever to perceive besides this in sound space
12. Feel Rest = feeling states of rest in the body ( very rare for me )

Not covered 
The paradigm of space and the big picture for that I have to go through my notes. 
Active and passive stances
Feel Good, be good ... paradigm
Pain processing algorithm



 

[tenta]

Coding below a certain threshold is useless, but it's useless anyway as there are a thousand other NPCs who could code the same thing as you after being told to do so by their superior

[ValiantSalvatore]

@tenta What ?

[ValiantSalvatore]

Now the comment from the other guy if we talk about NPC's fine I'll take a healthy distance if there is not reply, I don't like it but okay.

For today 15 min timer:

Two of my favorite profs already warned about the dangers about larger companies that you'll be working only inside their system. So, even if people here talk about going to SAP and check their social status or any status for that matter. Is utterly ridiculous fine there are also new sectors like human-computer interaction and UX/UI researchers. Who are needed, not sure how many yet the market is here. One classmate does her bachelors there at BOSH. Now, all of these big companies fine I have my favorites. They surely could expand, yet the direction and section where I will do my bachelors and my practical phase for time's sake. Is definitely a different direction it's also human-centric slightly Green/yellow and Green/orange with a focus on green consumers potentially with health and fitness. So, therefore the market is quite new, and there are some very good universities basically the best of the best here in Germany as far as I know in medicine in Heidelberg and Homburg. I was operated in Homburg when I was little and their clinic has a very very good reputation I never fact-checked this. But, it's well known here.

So, there is a market for health and fitness applications and I bet also research being done. Yet, the project that I'll be working on is more for consumers and everyday life and hobbyists who are interested in all kinds of sports. I won't share what the prof told me but apparently, there are not apps on the market for a specific service that I could learn and Google also uses, so ... let's see. 

Otherwise, my time run out because I found my old post. I will set a 7 minute timer it will be 21:30 then and I can study for one session or rather continue with note-taking from the script.

Today topic productivity:
I listened to the deep work audiobook again while I went down the hill to go shopping it took my about 2h or so to shop and go back home, so I try to buy very efficiently, I once did audio recordings for a class and listened to them, yet this was a time where I still often went back home and I just went for bike rides. A classits freedom .  -> All of this talk wants me to read more about communism and socialism Marx and Weber and what names I can recall lenin etc. I don't know much about them I read a bit about Mao and the cultural evolution, confucism and their principle book ( I don't want to call it bible) called li. 

It thought my nothing really new. So, what was I thinking about I was so concentrated shopping.
Definitely that I make blocks in my bullet journal and further segment my tasks into smaller tasks, breaking them down to sub-components, yet not too detailed. Also, never using to do lists. I want to have a big picture that I can break down or deconstruct. Like flow.

Now, besides that deep work is a rare skill, I see it with my peers who are dabelling around and some few who are really into cs and work hard for stuff for e.g in the Unix ag. I will re-listen to it approx 5-8 times more. So, I drill this concept into my brain I am already in the third listening phase and listening to it sporadically blah blah 

Now, I bought groceries for 107 Euro let's see how long they last I also eat in the cafeteria so I foresaw this and I usually buy food that lasts longer, potatoes, natural rice, oatmeals, dried fruits, curry stuff, egg even last long.. , and a few quick dishes to cook, also nuts and some fruits, but I am done with buying loads of fruits I am not used to eating them so I only bought four appeals and a certain kind of peer that I wanted to try nish or so. 

I ordered a new backpack since my delüx backpack of an utterly horrendous allusion that I am making (yes I am practicing my verbal circus), feels as if it should shut the hell up? Seriously? -> Anway, I bought a new backpack which has a usb port I never knew something like this existed and I finally found a water bottle containing 1.5 liters without BPA or BPE (I want to increase my knowledge about material too) , the other cup I bought I sip this in 2-3 study sessions and I drink a can of tee in approx 2-5. So, I definitely will be more hydrated for my internship. 

Otherwise, I did my workout and printed out my notes which is something I have never done before and did a root-review. I will definitely read also the small book about productivity once exams are over and re-structure my entire strategy for planning. What I intend since I have time Mo - Sa workweek or Mo-Fr including Sunday and one day off where I'll just read and plan activities that I will do that are not around programming or technical subjects that need practical actions. 

That is it for now. 

[ValiantSalvatore]

Definitely stop using Grammarly lol. Or buy the premium version this is just bad the hell.

[ValiantSalvatore]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=isx3TzhH7iQ
https://www.medpagetoday.com/resource-centers/adult-adhd/cerebellar-growth-patterns-different-young-people-adhd/2026
https://learningbreakthrough.com/learning-breakthrough-blog/adhd-cerebellum/

Not sure how I will go about planning etc learning this, yet I'll leave this here. 

I will listen now to shinzens talk about the cerebellum