How to convince someone that he has a fear of abandonment?

[Wekz]

My grandfather leaft my grandmother and my father when he has i believe 6 or so. And that left them terrified of abandonment. They cope with it by controling everyone and everything. They probably believe that if they control everyone and everything that then noone has the chance to leave. They also witdraw emotions, probably to not get hurt again. But this is destroying our family! It is fucking hell living in sutch an invirement. And the thing is that exacly that behavior will make people leave them again and again. But they wont fucking listen!!! I tried to talt to my father about it but he keeps denieing everything!! He simply wont hear me out, and starts shifting the blamme on me, like he always does, he doesnt believe a word i say, and starts blamming me about my views of god, and im a bad cristian and so on and so on. My grandmother is stage blue and father is stage orange with blue perception of god. How do i convince them that they need do deal with it and to go to a therapist?? I dont know what to do anymore, i feel desperate. And it is i fucking problem, one day you fight with him and the other he is FORCING you to go swimming with him, not asking you but forcing you and if you say no he gets mad and defensive and starts blamming you for god knows what this time. Its messed up, realy terrible invirement, and i would leave and probably will, but my brother and mother live in this too, and i see its fucking with them and messing them up. So i feel bad just leaving them like this, when i know whats the problem.

Edited June 4, 2019 by Wekz

[CreamCat]

6 hours ago, Wekz said:

My grandfather leaft my grandmother and my father when he has i believe 6 or so.

Did he leave this world or the family?

[Wekz]

The family, he left for work to another country and took my Fathers sister wirh him, he was there for 15 years or so... he died a couple years after he returned back home

Edited June 4, 2019 by Wekz

[now is forever]

9 hours ago, Wekz said:

My grandfather leaft my grandmother and my father when he has i believe 6 or so. And that left them terrified of abandonment. They cope with it by controling everyone and everything. They probably believe that if they control everyone and everything that then noone has the chance to leave. They also witdraw emotions, probably to not get hurt again. But this is destroying our family! It is fucking hell living in sutch an invirement. And the thing is that exacly that behavior will make people leave them again and again. But they wont fucking listen!!! I tried to talt to my father about it but he keeps denieing everything!! He simply wont hear me out, and starts shifting the blamme on me, like he always does, he doesnt believe a word i say, and starts blamming me about my views of god, and im a bad cristian and so on and so on. My grandmother is stage blue and father is stage orange with blue perception of god. How do i convince them that they need do deal with it and to go to a therapist?? I dont know what to do anymore, i feel desperate. And it is i fucking problem, one day you fight with him and the other he is FORCING you to go swimming with him, not asking you but forcing you and if you say no he gets mad and defensive and starts blamming you for god knows what this time. Its messed up, realy terrible invirement, and i would leave and probably will, but my brother and mother live in this too, and i see its fucking with them and messing them up. So i feel bad just leaving them like this, when i know whats the problem.

you can only talk to him about it. you could even try to turn it around and pressure him, that you won’t do anything like going swimming with him until he starts to work on the issue. it’s horrible if family doesn’t want to change. you can’t take responsibility for it your whole life though. your mom and dad are grown ups, if they won’t manage  to work on themaelves you can only spent some time with them once in a while and accept the situation, same with your brother, he will have to make his own decisions, you can only talk to him about how you see the situation. i know it’s tough to leave your mom behind, but she can only liberate herself if anything. 

don‘t know what convincing arguments could be. people from older generations sometimes have the feeling you can only go to psychologists if you are ill - they don’t get that it’s also a possibility to see it as coaching and support to get more healthy.

[flowboy]

I guarantee that you will repeat this pattern for yourself in some situations of your life. Or a mirror pattern that you developed as a reaction to it.

So if you can't change the actual people you got it from, you can at least break the cycle by working through it in yourself.

Note that this doesn't mean trying to do the opposite that your dad would. That is also reactionary.

So yeah, you can redirect your energy to really feel into what your dad's patterns have done to you, the imprint that it has left on you and your behaviour, and try to be as conscious as possible about that.

[Wekz]

@flowboy yep, it is apsolutely mindboggling how mutch shit they have past down on me. For the last few months i am regularly puking while clearing all of that. I even got that same fear of abandonment inprinted in me, even though i didnt knew my grandfather, cause he died before i was born... was sobbing for an hour yesterday. Just crazy how mutch of that is passed down.

[flowboy]

@Wekz  I know, it's crazy. I have the stress patterns of my dad, and the underlying dysfunctional beliefs, even though they don't match my own experience. I recently did Primal Deconditioning with Puja Lepp, which helped me massively in bringing a lot of that shit to the surface and processing it properly.

But I'm not done. Like your dad, I tend to be triggered when people don't want to come along with me, or want to change plans with me, or even when they are failing to understand something I am explaining. I can feel that as abandonment and overreact. I'm just now becoming conscious of that.

[Wekz]

@now is forever thx for the advice, like it very mutch :). I'll see what happens the next few days, if hes gonna take my advicd or not. If no i have no other choice but to leave...

Edited June 4, 2019 by Wekz

[now is forever]

@Wekz 

apsolutely you should talk him into it. 

[Wekz]

@flowboy Look online for fear of abandonment, i found good post about the psyhology of it. I read somewhere that it may be the most damaging fear to have, and it only prepetuates real abandonmet, what could be the worst of all.

 

@now is forever yep, i should make some effort to convince him... 

Edited June 4, 2019 by Wekz

[flowboy]

@Wekz Mind sharing the link?

[Wekz]

@flowboy https://www.verywellmind.com/fear-of-abandonment-2671741 here you go

Edited June 4, 2019 by Wekz

[Bill W]

I'm not going to type out much, it's good you are getting support on here. I'll just like to throw it in that you are talking about it and getting different perspectives. I think that's crucial. I can relate personally to what you are going through. But of course, it's not the same exactly. 

But keep talking. If you have people face to face you can share this stuff with then I encourage you to do that as well. Don't take one persons advice on here as the Gospel Truth. Get a few suggestions. Vent it out a bit.

It might be too late to save them, but it's not too late to save yourself. I'm not saying to definitely leave, or even leave at all as could cause more problems than it solves, but don't go down with the sinking ship if that's what it comes down to in the end. 

[flowboy]

@Wekz Indeed a great article! It gave me some insights, I recognized many things and intend to re-read it.

[Wekz]

@Bill W i wont make that mistake again. I heard all my life you dont matter, you are useless, you dont know anything. I will help as mutch as i can, because i see that beneth that all is just fear and hurt. But if they dont listen, fuck that shit. I wont let fucking morons to take me down again.

[Wekz]

@flowboy Glade you like it.

[Bill W]

Just now, Wekz said:

@Bill W i wont make that mistake again. I heard all my life you dont matter, you are useless, you dont know anything. I will help as mutch as i can, because i see that beneth that all is just fear and hurt. But if they dont listen, fuck that shit. I wont let fucking morons to take me down again.

I don't know how old are you. I sense younger than me, but you've worked out long before I did, a heck of a lot of dysfunctional behaviour like this is completely rooted in fear. Often, never to be admitted as fear. So deeply entrenched and self-denied, even the person doesn't see it. 

Fear gets re-routed for a less "shameful" anger, hostility, controlling, lashing out, substance misuse, the list goes on and on.........

[Wekz]

@Bill W Fu.

[now is forever]

1 hour ago, Wekz said:

@Bill W i wont make that mistake again. I heard all my life you dont matter, you are useless, you dont know anything. I will help as mutch as i can, because i see that beneth that all is just fear and hurt. But if they dont listen, fuck that shit. I wont let fucking morons to take me down again.

you know that no one has the right to tell another person about how much worth they are! there is no worth to a person because every human being is priceless. but if you realize a person really thinks of you that way - run. you are allowed to treat yourself to this kind of selfworth/love. under any circumstances. it’s universal law no law above that.

Edited June 4, 2019 by now is forever

[DrewNows]

@Wekz Sounds like a really tough situation that will inevitably make you strong and wise. You were put here to live through their experiences and learn about yourself this way, through them. It isn't really possible to change them, but bringing up the truth to them may eventually get them to decide to want to change and work on themselves. I will advise you to go about this situation more selfishly and continue doing the work on yourself maybe to the extent you are able to accept them for not being perfect.

Once you find yourself in a really good place mentally and emotionally, this will end all the biases you once had. You will simply start to lead by example and once they see this it is possible they too will be inspired to look inward