In Love With A Girl In A Relationship

[pixelwave]

I often have dates that doesn't let me anywhere I want it to be. What I mean with that is: it just often only ends with kissing and that's it. And sometimes there are girls that really like me, but that I don't like. The reason is that they are so negative and I just don't feel comfortable with them

But a month ago I met this women, she's 22. When we first met I just felt that she is the right girl for me. We have so much in common, she's funny and so positive about life. I met her during the training of a job (Our job is being a waiter at different events ), we talked a little. And it was okey, she was just a nice attractive girl.

But for me that's fine.The next day we had another training and after that training we talked a lot. We had so much in common, she has such a good life vision. She actually has a quite high interest level in me. But when I heard she has a relationship I printed something in my head that says "Damn, pff okey back-off now". I actually started seeing her as a friend from then, because I thought this just can't happen.

After we worked together we talked and talked and are so open to each other. I know she gives more hints then I do. Like for instance she looks so long in my eyes, when I talk to her and tell a joke she 'accidently' touches me. I don't do something because I don't want to destroy a relationship of 5 years. I mean I keep telling myself that.

When she text me, she calls me darling. When I can't go to work, she just doesn't work. When I tell a story she laughs at every single word I say.

She looks so happy, she makes me smile every single time. When I tell her I go somewhere she always asks me if I had fun. It's strange but I have talked to a lot of girls, but I never felt so good with someone.

She talks little about her boyfriend, I don't know a lot about him but I'm just not interested in that, in fact I just don't ask.  

I know I see everything more like I want it to be. She might just see me as a good friend (I guess) , but every time I just flirt a little she flirts back. But I just stop because I don't want to interfere in her relationship. I'm probably friend zoned, but It's just so strange that she wants to work with me every single time. She almost didn't go to meet her friends because I asked her to work with me. 

I just don't know what to do. I keep telling myself that there is no point, that I don't have to waste my time and energy but my thoughts keep coming back, she just feels so right... 

Do you guys have any advice for me please? I

 

Edited April 27, 2016 by pixelwave

[Vercingetorix]

You have to ask her how she views the relationship. It's very bad for you to be in love with someone in a relationship. 

[Ajax]

 

Live with the Golden Rule: If you wouldn't want someone to do that to you, then don't do that thing to someone else.

What if she was in a relationship with you and became interested in someone else? I imagine it would be heartbreaking if she decided to cheat on you instead of breaking up with you.

If she decided to leave her boyfriend for you, that would reveal a flaw in her character.

Just something to consider...

Edited April 30, 2016 by Ajax

[reez]

@pixelwave Even if I agree you should not interrupt her relationship. You have to be clear with your thoughts in your relationship. 

It could be that she is in a negative relationship and she wants a way out and therefore is so open to you.

[Nathalie]

@pixelwave Become clear what you want, so you can explain it to her, tell her how you feel and ask her how she sees the whole issue with you, with her friend.. Everething can be possible, including that she only told you she's in a relationship.. just to protect herself? You will never know it, if you aren't honnest with yourself and with her.. What would you lose in the worst case? Do you want to live in a dream? How long will it last? Where will it end?

Edited April 30, 2016 by MartineF

[pixelwave]

Thank you all for responding to my topic. I guess it's been clear that she was really interested in me in the beginning but now it looks like I'm suddenly just a friend again... She doesn't text as much as she did before. And she stopped randomly liking my pictures... you were actually right I was living in a dream. It feels so good to have so much attention from someone, I guess I really miss that area in my life.

I do everything I can to fix that part I've did some pickup, read some books, used online dating. Do a social holiday job, and every thing I did doesn't really help me out.... I know I improve but I'm still not getting the results I really want.

It's weird to mention this but almost every-time I go on a holiday abroad I meet someone, and when I'm home nothing special actually happens .I'm kind of losing my hope in finding someone.

How can I best change my mindset? I know Leo talks that you need to have a life purpose and that the girl should never be number 1 in your life, but he also talks about dating a lot and having a lots of sex with different woman which I don't have.

After this year I finish college, I don't want to go work straight after college. What is the best decision I could make?

Staying home, traveling? I feel like I lost my life purpose...

 

 

 

 

 

Edited May 1, 2016 by pixelwave

[Mitch]

@pixelwave Despite being in college still myself, I feel a tad under-qualified to give you advice. However, you mentioned having felt like you've lost your life purpose. Finding my own life purpose is something that I have been heavily seeking as of recently, so I can relate with what it felt like to be extremely lost and confused.

I suggest you start by making it your life purpose to find your life purpose. If this was your purpose in life for the moment, then I would go around trying as many things as I possibly could. I would probably start by exploring things that seem genuinely interesting to me. For me, this is something like music or self-development work, but chances are, they'll be different for you. Do some introspection, sit down and ask yourself what your interests are. Be careful of your ego getting in the way though, it may cause you to think you like something due to the status it gives you but deep down, it's a false interest. I personally fell for this trap in high school: I wanted to become a doctor. Sure, I have the brain to do so, sure it'd be nice to make tons of money so I could let my mom and sister breath more easily, sure it'd be noble to help others as a profession. But I wasn't looking at the larger picture and wasn't going for this because it was what would express myself in the fullest way possible. Beware of this.

As soon as you've pinpointed some interests, try to get involved with that interest more to see how deep it runs. So, using the example of an interest in music, your next step would be something like rent an instrument and start practicing. Or if you had an interest in health, sign up for a class at your local gym, etc. As you continue to explore an interest, you'll come to see whether or not you truly enjoy it. Try many things. I think a good way to gauge the power of your interest is to ask yourself if you would love to get up in the morning every day and do that one thing constantly, perhaps freely. Another thing to look for is how authentic you feel doing said interest. 

It's important to note that your purpose will change over time as you learn new things about yourself. Think of it as creating a sculpture. Initially, the sculptor, you, has a stone brick in front of them. As you chip away (as you explore your interests), you'll create a rough form of your final work. You'll continue making smaller and smaller adjustments along the way, narrowing your way down to a finished form. Your life purpose is just like this. Once you've found something that resonates with you, go after it and see where it takes you.

Regards,

Mitch

[Nathalie]

11 hours ago, pixelwave said:

It's weird to mention this but almost every-time I go on a holiday abroad I meet someone, and when I'm home nothing special actually happens

It's really interesting..

Can it be that your mind state is different when you're in holiday? Maybe you're not so needy to find someone because everything around you is new and exciting? Suddenly you feel much better because of using all your senses (looking around, smelling the parfum of the air, feeling the sun and the wind etc..)

Can it be that you are much more attractive when you feel good? It seems obvious doesn't it?

I think women "smell" when a man is needy and it keeps them away..

So perhaps you first should love yourself more ? And in the second place try to make your day more interesting, a little like in holiday, have fun for yourself ? It has its own dynamic.. the most you care for yourself, the most you are able to give others (without expecting anything) and the more you attract other people.. even if you don't need it anymore.. or just because of that?

Conclusion: love yourself and try to be as present as possible in order to make your life more exciting, at least it's what I would do.. nothing to lose, right ?

I wish you a lot of great experiences

 

 

[reez]

@pixelwave It sounds to me that you are too needy.

Read "The Way of The Superior Man" - David Deida, "No More Mr. Nice Guy" - Robert Glover and "The 3% Man" - Corey Wayne, in that order.

No More Mr. Nice Guy is basically the book you should read to get rid of neediness. TWTSM is a GREAT read, and will help you understand what your purpose as a man is, not your life purpose. But what the man's part in a relationship/life is.

The 3% Man is mostly about understanding women and attracting them, but is a good read as well.

[pixelwave]

Thank you all for responding again to my topic it really helps me , it's already been a while since I've been online.

I've read 3% man & No more Mr. Nice guy... Very good books btw, I will start reading TWTSM.     

Yesterday I went out with the girl I told you guys about last time. We had an awesome time everything was so perfect, I could say we laughed a lot and had lot's of fun. I don't know if I could really call this a date because she has a boyfriend. But of all dates I had this one felt so right, not anything was forced. 

I really know she likes me, it's just so hard to get her out of my head again. I think I should probably tell her how I feel about the whole situation, but when I do that, the chance is that she won't see me in the same way like before... But I guess don't really have another option.

 

 

 

 

[Sparkologist06]

Boy this is a tough one but probably more common than you think. It's my strong opinion that women need to feel more empowerment in their lives as do men. This situation shows how poorly we communicate with each other. I think reading the John Grey books have helped me more than anything as I feel closer to women now after understanding the different train of thoughts men and women have. Maybe instead of your current approach you can take a step back and try viewing the situation from her perspective. Maybe then your move will be more obvious?  

[Harry]

On 14/05/2016 at 1:11 PM, pixelwave said:

Thank you all for responding again to my topic it really helps me , it's already been a while since I've been online.

I've read 3% man & No more Mr. Nice guy... Very good books btw, I will start reading TWTSM.     

Yesterday I went out with the girl I told you guys about last time. We had an awesome time everything was so perfect, I could say we laughed a lot and had lot's of fun. I don't know if I could really call this a date because she has a boyfriend. But of all dates I had this one felt so right, not anything was forced. 

I really know she likes me, it's just so hard to get her out of my head again. I think I should probably tell her how I feel about the whole situation, but when I do that, the chance is that she won't see me in the same way like before... But I guess don't really have another option.

 

 

 

 

You say you've read these books--yet everything you communicate tells me you haven't really digested them.

Have a read over them again. You need to keep absorbing the knowledge until it becomes a natural part of your being. 

 

Are you OK with going out with this girl even though you know she has a boyfriend?

If the answer is no, then pursuing her is gonna slowly chip away your self-esteem. 

[NelsonPalmer]

I think you should tell her about your feelings and she must choose! Don't do anything else.

[Harry]

@NelsonPalmer Im sorry but this is awful advice. 

[Will]

On 30/04/2016 at 8:01 AM, Vercingetorix said:

It's very bad for you to be in love with someone in a relationship. 

Maybe try and keep the judgements to a limit.. words like bad without some sort of context can be confusing.. I like to believe nothing is good or bad.. it just is.. possibly try and relate your experiences and discuss any observations and learnings??

[Will]

@Ajax Its not a flaw to leave a guy for a better guy... Its a crime to stay with a guy when you want more...

@pixelwave suss her out in a casual fun joking way. if you can tell she is not happy . encourage her to get help from a councellor or a professional..Thats what friends do.. if she decides she should leave her partner then your in like flynn...

[pixelwave]

Thanks all for responding to my topic, I think I will back off a little because like Harry said it does slowly ship away my self-esteem. Because I feel like I'm wasting my energy and I could never get the girl I want?

Now, I know what girl I really want in life, I mean I made a list and she matches a lot. And I will try to hint wether she would mind me dating other girls, because I guess I should start doing that again... 

So I'll keep on reading and start reading those 3 books over and over again. In 3% men he also said that you should read it 10-15 times. So I guess I still have some work to do. 

Thanks again I really appreciate that! 

 

[Harry]

@pixelwaveWhy would you need to ask her for permission to date other women? 

It's your life, do whatever that fuck you wanna do! ;P

 @NelsonPalmer

[Man in the Mirror]

 @Ajax i agree with @Will here, leaving her boyfriend for pixelwave wouldn't necessarily indicate a bad thing. it would be worse of her if she stayed in the relationship when she knows she could be happier somewhere else. she has to be true to herself first, not her boyfriend.

This might not be a popular opinion, but it is one i've observed many many many times. when a girl is in a relationship she is not happy with, she will talk to other guys, maybe flirt a little but will keep it strictly friendship, to line up her options before she leaves the relationship. maybe she doesnt see a long term future with her current bf?

anyway, pixelwave, no need to ask whether or not she will mind if you date others. and dont tell her about how you feel about the whole situation when she is still in a relationship. just go on those dates with other girls, even if you have a feeling they wont be as good as dates with her. keep yourself occupied. if she is interested in you, she will notice you haven't been seeing/talking to her as much, she will ask what you've been up to. you can tell her you went on some dates but they didnt do it for you, they were fun but you didnt see anything serious or longer-term coming from them. that will make her recognize you are a catch, a guy that girls are interested in, and she might realize "oh shoot, another girl might get him before i do, maybe i should do something about it sooner.." she might even ask you "then what are you looking for?". You already know your answer, you know, someone like her, but single.

but yeah, go on those dates, and keep an open mind. Dont think about her when you are on those dates with others. who knows, you might meet a girl you like even more. it's totally possible.

Edited May 20, 2016 by Man in the Mirror

[smd]

This happened to me recently.  You need to quit hanging out with her.

In my situation, I basically said, "Are you still with your boyfriend?"

and she would say, "Yes" and I would say

"Let me know if it does't work out."  which she said, "Ok, SMD." and smiled.

The thing is that even though she smiles and laughs at my jokes or whatever I say & always wants me around when she was working & touching me, well a few times her bf would actually show up at the venue & I watched her squeeze his ass.

So all of that above flirting had zero value.  At the same time, I didn't take any stock in it.  I could feel that same attraction that you were feeling that "she was the right girl for me", but I didn't put my faith in it.  Once I knew she had a bf, I didn't give much reaction to her come ons...which seemed to make her increase effort in flirting with me.  I liked it, but nothing you can do with it.

Even when she quit her job at the venue, at the end of the night, she said, "Take my number!"  And so I gave it to her & dialed her so she would have mine.  But I've never heard back.  Her relationship could go one way or the other, but it's not up to me to reach out or bother with it.  If it falls apart & she starts thinking about me, she'll reach out.  It's the best way.  Meanwhile, I don't have to put any effort in it & can go hunting for other women.

Edited May 20, 2016 by smd
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