Someone requiring help

[BMKemp]

I would love to be able to relate to someone on this, I feel very similar to Leo, I understand his staunch direction in his life and discernment of his parents and his childhood. I have been fucking left at 26 years old with no fucking clue what life is about and how to live. I was bullied as a kid, and went on to become a professional sportsman but I haven't got a fucking clue what this life is about or how to live it. I am homeless, bankrupt, sick (in physical pain) and experience chronic anxiety every single day. I have no idea how to go about getting my life back in a place where I can enjoy the present moment again. I live in hell and medicate myself with distracting videos/games/internet chatter/masturbating/drinking/smoking/thinking etc etc. 

Above all I am so angry I don't know how to deal with this feeling whatsoever and want a solution quick.

[Inliytened1]

@BMKemp Where do you play video games if you are homeless?

[dinone]

18 minutes ago, BMKemp said:

I have no idea how to go about getting  life back in a place where I can enjoy the present moment again.

Can you explain what that means to you?

[BMKemp]

1 hour ago, dinone said:

Can you explain what that means to you?

Dinone - being happy, safe, warm, a future, a friend, a community. A dream realisable.

[BMKemp]

1 hour ago, Inliytened1 said:

@BMKemp Where do you play video games if you are homeless?

I lied, technically I am not homeless, I have a home in which I am welcome to eat, sleep and live. But it isn’t pleasant at all. It’s awful.

[Stevo]

A lot of what you said reminded me of my past.  I'm almost 50 so if I were to talk to the 26 year-old version of myself I'd say"

"Keep your head up and don't stop looking for your answers! 

Be patient and think about your resilience in terms of decades.  A lot of what you struggle with will resolve itself with time alone.  And who knows how much time you'll need.  So hang in there.  Stay curious and hungry."

 

"And don't ever believe you have turned over every stone."  

 

 

 

[BMKemp]

Thanks I am extremely alone. I have isolated myself because I am ashamed of myself and am so angry that it’s hideous to have that feedback from others in social setting I just need a solution.

[Gili Trawangan]

It seems like you need professional help. If I were you I would go to a therapist. Just my two cents.

[Space]

15 hours ago, BMKemp said:

I would love to be able to relate to someone on this, I feel very similar to Leo, I understand his staunch direction in his life and discernment of his parents and his childhood. I have been fucking left at 26 years old with no fucking clue what life is about and how to live. I was bullied as a kid, and went on to become a professional sportsman but I haven't got a fucking clue what this life is about or how to live it. I am homeless, bankrupt, sick (in physical pain) and experience chronic anxiety every single day. I have no idea how to go about getting my life back in a place where I can enjoy the present moment again. I live in hell and medicate myself with distracting videos/games/internet chatter/masturbating/drinking/smoking/thinking etc etc. 

Above all I am so angry I don't know how to deal with this feeling whatsoever and want a solution quick.

I feel for your situation. Do not loose hope. Even posting on here and asking for help is a great first start! Do not worry about not knowing what life is about. Basically no one does! There's nothing wrong with that. Just let that idea go - seriously. 

My advice would be to start working on getting your basis needs secured and in place. Shelter, food/water, and health. This is your top priority. One thing at a time. Go through your life methodically. Leave spirituality or any other personal development type stuff for now. Identify what is the most important thing to be focusing on right now. Is it getting a job so you have money and can afford to rent a place of your own? If so, start journaling, planning, thinking about how you can execute that. If it is health you want to resolve, look to solutions to help with that. As a fellow Englishman you have access to free healthcare. You can sign up to a GP anywhere in the UK, i'm pretty sure. You might also want to look at slowly improving your diet, and/or slowly incorporating some exercise/yoga. 

Regarding your anxiety, this is a tricky and complex issue. Of course there is the option of medication. Not ideal, but it may be a good solution for you at the moment, whilst you're getting your life back on track. Pushing through the anxiety and forcing yourself into difficult situations is also a potential solution that often works, particularly with social anxiety. 

You can do it man. 

Edited June 4, 2019 by Space

[BMKemp]

Thanks I will take it on board. I have seen therapists in the past and it’s been somewhat helpful. I just am thinking about this journey we’re all on and whether or not it’s even worth the trouble, you’re never secure in yourself, you have to always grow or otherwise you will get left behind. Like if I meet someone what’s to say they meet someone better after getting fully invested in them. And coming to terms with the loss which I know I am able to do will it even be worth the effort even though I know being with someone and around them is better than being alone logically speaking so that kind of squashes that idea...Like building a family or being part of a community and then losing it forever what would it even be for...I guess this really is a straight up rat race of an existence in some ways over forever and it needs to be that way in order for our species to survive and thrive and for the universe to become conscious of itself. What a bizarre journey to be a part of its just a lot of hard work isn’t it. I think I want to find that meaningful feeling again. Being aligned with the divine purpose of life if there is even such a thing. Even if there isn’t then the journey can still be fun but I need a damn good enough reason to bother I have huge dreams which I would love to realise but will I ever even be able to do so. I definitely have an entitlement issue/narcissistic traits and I think I don’t want to face this reality and cover it with this joking face looking life in the face but under that surface is a fucking scared man who has potential to be something in the world but that kind of isn’t good enough at the same time. 

[BMKemp]

I also think that I am scared of myself, I cannot fully be myself because I don't want to get too attached to who I truly am, mortal, physical, dangerous...etc

 

Any ways in which I can focus on this would be great.

[Matt8800]

@BMKemp Sounds like a good place to start is to get a job...any job. If you require a job that you "like", just remember there are millions of people in this world that just want ANY job. If you are not willing to take just "any" job, the problem is with your thinking.

Nobody is going to feel good about themselves when they are mooching off other peoples hard work. If you are trying to find out how to live life while not working for your own food and shelter, you are going to be disappointed.

You dont need people babying you anymore...you need some tough love and it sounds like you are not getting it.

Edited June 4, 2019 by Matt8800

[BMKemp]

@Matt8800

thanks I have never done a job in my life which I've "liked".

I am working on ideas for getting back into work.