Profound Experience Questions

[chudders]

Been managing a recurring thought after realizing I was abusing the techniques of self actualization by means of trying to analyze everything down to the very core thinking that once I analyze it enough it will leave, I realized that I had actually already done analyzation more than enough and needed to actually detach from the constant feeling of needing to dig deeper. So when the thought came up 'why am i still thinking about said thought if i no longer fear it?' instead of going 'hmmm well maybe its because so and so, if i just think a bit harder it wont keep recurring' i just simply notice the question but do not engage. Its been challenging but progressive. Then tonight I had a very interesting experience, I had this feeling of absolute fear, the biggest, scariest, thought in the most believable unquestionable manner that I recalled feeling when i was a child. The thought was in relation to my previous fear of cancer, I worked through that fear (hence the recurring thought asking why I still thought about it if I no longer fear it) and so this very intense thought came into my head "all the fear you've had about cancer is because you're going to get it" and I felt extremely tempted to let the fear of that "prediction" consume me, I made that mistake as a child because I didn't really know better so I was just terrified and felt like I had to believe it, but what happened tonight was I felt very scared, my chest was feeling numb and heart pounding, but what made it profound is that instead of trying to think of how the thought and feeling would be untrue or automatically believing it I simply thought "well.. wait.. its making it seem so terrifying but its a disease" and as soon as I did that instead of letting the fear consume me I felt immediate relief like I had just fought a demon, it was completely an unbiased response because I was face to face with the worst imaginable fear which was feeling  like I was being told i was going to get cancer but right after I had responded and I felt like it was a test. It felt like I was being tested, how would I respond to being told I was going to get the disease yet I didn't see it as a test until afterwards and I felt relief. So my question is, was that whole scenario a test of how I would handle to my biggest fear or was it trying to predict getting sick and wanting me to not fear it? I suppose it will always be uncertain because the feeling was incredibly strong at first, it felt like a prediction, but the instant that I responded without the fear lens it no longer felt like a prediction it felt like a test almost as if it was saying 'SIKE ur not actually gonna get sick just wanted to see how you'd respond even when it seems real'. It would make sense to be a test too because I was not always scared of getting cancer, it started very specifically when i was about 8 years old i started associating it towards my own circumstances and worrying if it would somehow be related, and with that fear I told myself to be scared of sicknesses because if I don't feel scared it would indicate that I want it and that it would happen, so I didn't use to fear it I just told myself to in order to 'protect' myself from getting it I had to fake being scared until i eventually became very scared. With a lot of self work I came to realize that and rewire myself and I wonder if the experience tonight was the ultimate test of if I am truly over the fear, which I passed since I was able to look at it without a fear lens. 1. Has anyone else here had a profound experience that felt like an extreme test to your fears? 2. Do you think what I experienced was a test? 3. Could it have been a prediction or could it have been an illusionary test because it was made up of thoughts and words and feelings not any proof that it could be true other than overwhelming feeling as if its certain until I responded then it felt like it was no longer certain 4. Can even the strongest feelings and thoughts still be untrue? 5. Should I accept that its uncertain or is there certainty?

Edited June 3, 2019 by chudders

[chudders]

I've thought some more and I think what it was is that I need to stop demonizing cancer. The thought was so terrifying but the moment I stopped demonizing it it no longer felt like I was at risk. So now I'm practicing exposure therapy to trigger that fear to correct it and say 'its just a disease' even when the thought and feeling feels real. I like the quote "Even when we feel certain that is an emotion not a fact". I also realized how I had been associating cancer to my own health circumstances (CF) just because there are some similarities, over the years I think my monkey mind started to associate them as the same so that whenever these thoughts came up like 'you have cancer' or 'you're going to get cancer' I really had a hard time like saying that its not true because at least partially in my subconscious it knows that i have CF and so it paired the similarities together to make it seem like if I deny the thought about cancer it would be like denying that I have CF which I know is actually there cuz I've had it since birth. Any advice for doing exposure? I've done it previously and successfully its just very scary to do for such a deeply conditioned feeling.

Edited June 4, 2019 by chudders

[Dan502]

I would ask why you worry so much about getting cancer.

I hear that sometimes the mind can create health fears as a way of subconsciously dealing with something entirely different. However unlikely and counter-intuitive that may seem.

To the extent that you feel able to apply a different perspective to a situation or a thought, what perspective you apply (e.g. the "it's a test" perspective) seems up to you.

 

[chudders]

@Dan502  you're right. After some more questioning why I realized its related to fear of death. Recalled having an identical experience with a different worry in the past but that worry was also related to death, just not a disease. So I'm going to go to therapy as well as working on my own to rewire my brain and its associations about such things. Crazy how many layers there can be with anxieties, never quite what it seems at first

[Dan502]

I hope the therapy goes well.