Is polyamory/open relationships stage green?

[Thetruthseeker]

So I’ve just been to a camping festival. Felt like there were lots of stage green people there. 

We got chatting and they were all talking about how ‘open’ they are in relationships with their girlfriends or wives. 

Discussing how they love having different partners. And how they love ‘sharing’ their wife with friends, other couples. 

Even ‘getting off’ on watching their wife have sex with someone else. Saying ‘as long as she’s happy, I’m happy’ 

 

this really triggered me. I want to keep moving up the spiral dynamics and have incorporated quite a bit of stage green in me. 

however i just don’t know if this one will ever sit right with me? 

Is it a stage green thing that I should try and be more open minded too. Or purely individualistic 

 

as I’m dating a girl at the moment. Really liking her. And the thought of watching a friend have sex with her honestly makes me feel a bit sick. I can’t think of a worse situation 

[whoareyou]

Do you love the girl you are dating at the moment? 

If yes, then why would her enjoying herself and having a great time make you sick? 

Because it's not love, but ego attachment. If you truly love somebody, you would be happy for them, regardless of your selfish agenda and needs.

[Thetruthseeker]

Thanks for your reply. 

Yeah I do love her. And it feels enough for me to just have sex with her. I don’t see it as ‘selfish’ just because I don’t want her to have sex with anyone else whilst we’re together. 

I believe there’s a special connection you could develop that doesn’t have to be shared. 

There are lots of monogamous couples that go to burning man. It’s seems a choice not a must for stage green I think 

Thanks for the thoughts though. 

 

[flowboy]

It is never a good idea to explore that if you're not ready. And don't worry, it's not a necessary step.

Being open can be a tool for self development and working through jealousy and insecurities.

But against your will, it will just be traumatizing.

Be open minded. Research it, get to know the people, and understand it. Doesn't mean you have to do it

 

[Thetruthseeker]

@flowboy thanks for the link. Will check it out. 

Yeah I’m getting more open minded. Working on myself, meditation, etc 

I wonder what percentage of stage green are polyamorous vs monogamous. I haven’t been to ‘burning man’ but judging by the events it seems around 50/50 as there as events labelled ‘monogamous welcome’ etc 

i want to keep developing myself, but I’m not sure I could ever feel happy knowing my partner was having sex with others. 

By the way, she’s no interest in this at all. This is all hypothetical. I would strongly know that she wants a monogamous relationship. 

It just me wondering if in the future I’m going to have to develop the ability to be this open minded (that my partner can sleep with others) to fully move into green 

[Shin]

6 hours ago, whoareyou said:

Do you love the girl you are dating at the moment? 

If yes, then why would her enjoying herself and having a great time make you sick? 

Because it's not love, but ego attachment. If you truly love somebody, you would be happy for them, regardless of your selfish agenda and needs.

But maybe you can still prefer exclusivity as a genuine preference.

[Elisabeth]

I wrote some thoughts on SD and relationships when Leo introduced the model. 

(I mean the initial post, the thread went awry later)

 

 

 

1

1 hour ago, Thetruthseeker said:

 

It just me wondering if in the future I’m going to have to develop the ability to be this open minded (that my partner can sleep with others) to fully move into green 

I don't think so. I've been talking to polyamorous people for a lot of years now. And yes, they tend to skew green. (Open relationships, sex only ... I don't know about that, I think they might be more orange.) But the implication doesn't go the other way, green people are not necessarily polyamorous. 

Believe it or not, there are people who don't have the kind of jealousy you do. When you ask them why they chose poly, they usually say something like 'I've never really understood monogamy, it feels like a straightjacket and it makes no sense. I don't even understand how people can make a clear line between friend and partner. I love my friends and cuddling or sex are just a natural continuation in some of these relationships.' For these people poly is more like a sexual orientation they didn't choose (although for many it is a lifestyle of choice). But they are the minority. That's why I think full polyamory (people having multiple partners with the consent of all involved) will stay a minority. At least for another century, if not forever.

There are fully valid reasons why to choose monogamy and/or sexual exclusivity even if your heart is open. You'll probably be less triggered by your girl having soft or sexual feeling for another if you go full green, but the relationship agreements that the two of you make depend on your deep, deep preferences, not on your color on the SD spectrum. 

[Thetruthseeker]

@Elisabeth  thank you! Incredibly insightful and valuable! ❤️

[whoareyou]

2 hours ago, Thetruthseeker said:

Thanks for your reply. 

Yeah I do love her. And it feels enough for me to just have sex with her. I don’t see it as ‘selfish’ just because I don’t want her to have sex with anyone else whilst we’re together. 

I believe there’s a special connection you could develop that doesn’t have to be shared. 

There are lots of monogamous couples that go to burning man. It’s seems a choice not a must for stage green I think 

Thanks for the thoughts though. 

 

What you refer to "love", usually is ego attachment, majority of people don't know what "love" is, and I doubt you do either.

Here is a quote from you which confirms this:

"And the thought of watching a friend have sex with her honestly makes me feel a bit sick. I can’t think of a worse situation "

There is nothing wrong with preferring exclusivity and a monogamous relationship - but only if it's done as a conscious choice and not an egoic attachment. 

[Thetruthseeker]

@whoareyou well how many people would actually be ok with watching someone they love have sex with a friend. It’s surely a vast minority. 

With past relationships, I wouldn’t care if the woman went off with anyone else. 

But when I know I care, I prefer exclusivity 

[ajasatya]

On 02/06/2019 at 5:16 PM, Thetruthseeker said:

Is polyamory/open relationships stage green?

It's not necessarily green. It depends on your mindset. If you're doing it out of neediness and fear of responsibility (which is what happens to most people that choose to be poly-amorous), then it's nothing beyond red.

[Shadowraix]

Polyamory out of fear of say not wanting to feel locked down and controlled won't end up well.  This has been Leo's main criticisms of it. 

[Thetruthseeker]

@Shadowraix has Leo talked about it one of his videos? 

[Shadowraix]

1 hour ago, Thetruthseeker said:

@Shadowraix has Leo talked about it one of his videos? 

He has not. Only talked about it on the forums.

I consider myself Polyamorous as in I feel capable to love multiple people. I wanted out of my monogamous relationship because I wanted to escape the rules and control. I inquired on this and decided to actually commit wholly to it and I discovered that i was able to accept any kind of relationship. I no longer go to one out of fear or distaste of the other. So I can agree with what Leo says there. It's opened up my perspectives of both and I was able to tackle my dysfunction towards commitment. 

[Shin]

Leo WTF

Where is your video on dirty talk ?

[Leo Gura]

On 6/4/2019 at 4:14 AM, Shin said:

Leo WTF

Where is your video on dirty talk ?

It would be too hot for you guys to handle

[Arthur]

if you separate love and companionship from sexual desires of the body, I can see how polygamy it can work.

You can relate to a person and have a deep connection with somebody without having sex. And on the other side, you can have plenty of sex while never developing an emotional connection.

With both being true, it should be possible to separate the two. Meaning you can have that special partner, while also being with others to satisfy that needs of the body.

Ultimately it all comes down to the values of society you grew up in. If monogamy was encouraged, that's what you will adopt. Someone who grew up in a tribal community, for example, might have a different set of values.

I see it as a Greener approach. Green is very community oriented. it's about sharing the experience with others and having fun. A stage blue, for example, will be very rigid and all about that traditional marriage. While Orange might be somewhere in between.

Edited June 9, 2019 by Arthur

[Sempiternity]

I've been in Poly relationships most of my life. There is one question you need to ask yourself if your thinking about it. If you can't answer yes, then don't even consider it, cause it will always always lead to pain and suffering. Can you have your partner have sex with someone else and you enjoy it? Can they go on a date and you want to hear all the details when they come home? Can you be happy for them in their sexual experiences with others? Can you go as far to watch them have sex with someone else, and have nothing but love in your heart for their experience? If you can't, don't even attempt it. If you're doing it to get more sex with other, but don't want you partner to do the same, it will lead to failure. If you are tolerating your partner going on dates, it will lead to failure. If you say you're ok with it, but in your heart you're really not, it will lead to heartbreak. If you're doing to make them happy, at the cost of your own happiness, it will quickly fail. Only way it works, is 'Compersion', which is 'feeling of joy or happiness (and sometimes even arousal) for your partner's happiness with their other partner(s)'. If you can't mature and evolve to the point of compersion for you partner, then don't even attempt it. There are so many emotional landminds with polyamory, not many people can handle it. Only way is through unconditional love and letting go of control. 

Edited June 9, 2019 by Jed Vassallo

[Leo Gura]

@Jed Vassallo I like it! Nice advice.

[Joel3102]

@Jed Vassallo That sounds great, however how many people evolve to that point? People with such low level of insecurity must surely be very rare.