I fear I have one itis (crush) for this girl and it's poisoning me

[billiesimon]

I've been friendzoning myself with this acquaintance girl in these recent months, because I was afraid of being honest about my interest and now she sees me as an authentic friend.

Since she's so special to me (and it's probably just idealization) I can't seem to get out of the friendzone because I can't pull the trigger and tell her that I want to date her. Because I am pretty sure that she will reject me.

What should I do? Let her go away from my life? it would be liberating but scary.

Asking her out on a REAL date? (not the fake friendship-dates we've had)
It would be super scary, because she will not like it, I think.

I want to get out of this hell. I'm also starting to hate myself and her for this.

What do you suggest?

[Shin]

You don't know anything for sure, so don't believe your thoughts about that.

Ask her out on a date, and precise that it's not a friend kind of date.

If she says no, just stay friend and seek another girlfriend.

[billiesimon]

5 minutes ago, Shin said:

You don't know anything for sure, so don't believe your thoughts about that.

Ask her out on a date, and precise that it's not a friend kind of date.

If she says no, just stay friend and seek another girlfriend.

I'm going to call her this week and ask her out. On a real date, I'm going to tell her I want a real date.

But if she refuses, I will cancel the friendship, because I don't feel friendship for her, I was just being dishonest. I don't feel any friend-like connection, it was just my crush making me act friendly.

I need to be honest and get the date OR else let her out of my life.

[Shin]

If you don't see her as a friend but just a girlfriend, it shows you don't really care about her, so why would you want her as your girlfriend ?

[billiesimon]

12 minutes ago, Shin said:

If you don't see her as a friend but just a girlfriend, it shows you don't really care about her, so why would you want her as your girlfriend ?

Would you want to be a friend with a girl you desire but doesn't reciprocate? 
It hurts A LOT to see her date other guys while you are friendzoned.

[Emerald]

20 minutes ago, Shin said:

If you don't see her as a friend but just a girlfriend, it shows you don't really care about her, so why would you want her as your girlfriend ?

+1

[Shin]

8 minutes ago, billiesimon said:

Would you want to be a friend with a girl you desire but doesn't reciprocate? 
It hurts A LOT to see her date other guys while you are friendzoned.

Good opportunity to work on your attachment level and transcend it.

[billiesimon]

1 minute ago, Emerald said:

+1

@Emerald could you elaborate on this?

Would you want to keep a man you really really like as a friend even though he rejected you and dates other women? 

[billiesimon]

2 minutes ago, Shin said:

Good opportunity to work on your attachment level and transcend it.

I still don't understand. 

Romantic interest is not the same as being a platonic friend. There's also sexuality involved, you have to account for that. Yes, I care for her, but I also don't want to be hurt. That's the problem.

[Shin]

Just now, billiesimon said:

I still don't understand. 

Romantic interest is not the same as being a platonic friend. There's also sexuality involved, you have to account for that. Yes, I care for her, but I also don't want to be hurt. That's the problem.

You're never gonna grow if you don't face what hurts you.

If you don't grow you're not gonna attract the kind of girl you would really want to be with ?

[now is forever]

10 minutes ago, billiesimon said:

@Emerald could you elaborate on this?

Would you want to keep a man you really really like as a friend even though he rejected you and dates other women? 

you wanting to quit the friendship is probably because you want to protect yourself - you will hurt her with that, because she probably really likes you as a friend. maybe you can take some distance from her... but the question is would you rather not see her ever again or stay friends? can’t you try making a move on her without asking her out? it would probably work out better if it developed naturally. i think the chances are higher if you start playing with the friendship aspect instead of asking her to show flag.

Edited June 2, 2019 by now is forever

[billiesimon]

7 minutes ago, Shin said:

You're never gonna grow if you don't face what hurts you.

If you don't grow you're not gonna attract the kind of girl you would really want to be with ?

That's true, I agree.

But I have already faced a lot of friend-dates where it hurt like hell. Because I like her and she just ignored my interest. It really hurt.

But nevermind that. I am here to grow.

What are the specific actions you recommend for me to grow in this regard?

Edited June 2, 2019 by billiesimon

[billiesimon]

9 minutes ago, now is forever said:

you wanting to quit the friendship is probably because you want to protect yourself - you will hurt her with that, because she probably really likes you as a friend. maybe you can take some distance from her... but the question is would you rather not see her ever again or stay friends? can’t you try making a move on her without asking her out? it would probably work out better if it developed naturally.

Yes, I want to protect myself from other suffering, because this scenario has caused me a lot of suffering in the recent weeks. 

She appreciates my friendship, but she doesn't seem very attached to me.

I can guarantee you that she will not miss me. I'm not an important person to her, she just finds me a nice person.

Edited June 2, 2019 by billiesimon

[now is forever]

6 minutes ago, billiesimon said:

Yes, I want to protect myself from othe suffering, because this scenario has caused me a lot of suffering in the recent weeks. 

She appreciates my friendship, but she doesn't seem very attached to me.

I can guarantee you that she will not miss me. I'm not an important person to her, she just finds me a nice person.

if you are so sure about it then why risk the friendship? although it sounds a little toxic, too. the person might not be, but she’s toxic for you. what about going on distance? do you think she would care?

Edited June 2, 2019 by now is forever

[Shin]

You need to take care of that scarcity mindset which creates neediness followed by suffering when you realize you are unnattractive to most of the opposite sex.

You're suffering because subconsciously you think she should be attracted to you, or because you deserve or need love/sex/girls.

Probably all the above.

 

The only way out of this is taking care of the root cause, so embodying masculinity but also your feminine side genuinely.

The masculine because otherwise you will not be confident, and the feminine because otherwise you will stay an emotionless robot afraid of your emotions.

 

The Way Of The Superior Men by David Deida/Models by Mark Manson, Leo's videos about relationship attraction and The Power of Now from Eckhart Tolle, you read all of this non mechanically and take intelligent step using them ?

[Aeris]

You should embody more your masculine sides.

gnarling & roaring

[billiesimon]

6 minutes ago, Shin said:

You need to take care of that scarcity mindset which creates neediness followed by suffering when you realize you are unnattractive to most of the opposite sex.

You're suffering because subconsciously you think she should be attracted to you, or because you deserve or need love/sex/girls.

Probably all the above.

 

The only way out of this is taking care of the root cause, so embodying masculinity but also your feminine side genuinely.

The masculine because otherwise you will not be confident, and the feminine because otherwise you will stay an emotionless robot afraid of your emotions.

 

The Way Of The Superior Men by David Deida/Models by Mark Manson, Leo's videos about relationship attraction and The Power of Now from Eckhart Tolle, you read all of this non mechanically and take intelligent step using them ?

Thanks, I'm going to read the books and change this mindset. It's not going to be easy.

No, I don't believe that I deserve girls. In fact I have self esteem problems, and I think the opposite. I have scarcity problems because I fear that no one wants me. 
It's actually the opposite problem.

I still don't know what to do, if I have to distance myself or keep her friendship. I like her friendship too... but seems like trouble to me. I'm so confused I can't think straight.

[flowboy]

1 hour ago, billiesimon said:

Because I am pretty sure that she will reject me.

Oh she will, definitely. Girls are not attracted to guys who don't have the balls to act through their own desire.

But you still need to go through that experience. Tell her how you really feel. Experience that pain.

You see, only that pain will motivate you into changing out of this disingenuous pattern of behaviour. Enough of this rejection pain, and suddenly becoming a man who pulls the trigger doesn't seem so bad and scary anymore.

It's called "emotional leverage". Look that up.

So embrace it, get rejected! It's your only chance to get where you want to go!

Good luck!

Edited June 2, 2019 by flowboy

[billiesimon]

9 minutes ago, flowboy said:

Oh she will, definitely. Girls are not attracted to guys who don't have the balls to act through their own desire.

But you still need to go through that experience. Tell her how you really feel. Experience that pain.

You see, only that pain will motivate you into changing out of this disingenuous pattern of behaviour. Enough of this rejection pain, and suddenly becoming a man who pulls the trigger doesn't seem so bad and scary anymore.

It's called "emotional leverage". Look that up.

So embrace it, get rejected! It's your only chance to get where you want to go!

Good luck!

I completely absolutely agree with you. It's exactly how I feel. I have fucked up, because I was not sincere with my intentions and now I'm stuck.

I'm going to ask her out for a date before this weekend and see what happens.

If I get rejected, I'll take the opportunity to work on my emotions and my personal problems. It's time to bite the bullet.

[flowboy]

4 minutes ago, billiesimon said:

I'm going to ask her out for a date before this weekend and see what happens.

If I get rejected, I'll take the opportunity to work on my emotions and my personal problems. It's time to bite the bullet.

Good choice! Respectable and healthy attitude. Congratulations!

If she is truly your friend, she won't be too mean about it. Chances are she's been through it before.

Maybe you'll even get an honest friendship out of it, now that you have nothing to hide anymore!

Edited June 2, 2019 by flowboy