i was with a trans woman and cant forget it.

[Western Buddha]

Hello, 

Two months ago I traveled abroad and met a girl from the tinder, looking like a female to all intents and purposes, but when I got there she told me she was an escort girl and she wanted money. 
I told her I was not going to escort girls and she just brought me by the hand until I finished. 
I suspected a little during the act that she would not let me touch her or take off her clothes, 
And she seemed to have a lot of hair extensions, I talked to her later and she confessed to me that she was transgender and was really hurt by Meza.I felt at Brown for a week, I told a few friends who of course laughed at me and it passed. 
The thing that suddenly a month later I started to remember it again and since then it's just stuck in my head, I came back to my country and I still think about it and very upset about it. 
I feel like I've been sexually abused, I've had a lot of difficulties in my life and I've had a lot of mental scars but I've never dealt with a problem like that. 
I'm 100% straight and that's why it bothers me so much. 
Since I was with her, I had already slept with some women, and yet this thought still comes up here and there. 
I do not really know what to do, I decided that first of all I'll post a posere here and maybe try to go back there and hurt her like she hurt me, I'm talking about hitting her even though my chances of finding her are pretty faint, I know it sounds childish but sometimes I think it's a great solution to close circle. 
i'm doing meditation for already 2 years withoutmissing even 1 day, im just changing the time here and there between 20-30 minutes. i do the do nothing technique, should i keep going?
Thank you,

[Forestluv]

These are internal issues arising. You are creating a thought story in your head about how you were hurt. And you believe the thought story is true. Seeking an external remedy for relief is a self fulfilling prophecy that will fuel the thought story and keep the mind immersed in the story. . . It boils down to a story of “who I am” and trying to maintain and protect that identity. 

To grow and expand, I would look inward. Deconstruct the thought story. What feelings are associated with it? From where does it arise?  What are my attachments to it? How is my identity grasping at this story?

In terms of self development and actualization. It’s not about the other person, it’s about what is being revealed about your personality structure. The identity of gender and sexuality is one of the deepest for the psyche and can be challenging to observe and deconstruct.

I would first observe how the mind has assumed this is a “problem” and that “I have been hurt”. If the mind holds onto those two assumptions, it won’t be able to observe the underlying dynamic.

[Matt8800]

@Western Buddha That happened to a buddy of mine when we were younger. He just laughed it off.

Whether it is a problem or not is up to you. 

[Nahm]

@Western Buddha Look around you now. How exactly is this a problem? Can you point to it? 

[Western Buddha]

3 hours ago, Matt8800 said:

@Western Buddha That happened to a buddy of mine when we were younger. He just laughed it off.

Whether it is a problem or not is up to you. 

yeah in the begging i was laughing it off. but then it start to rise again.
like in the begging it was nothing and after month or two it errupted again.

2 hours ago, Nahm said:

@Western Buddha Look around you now. How exactly is this a problem? Can you point to it? 

its just sitting so hard in my head, i feel like i cant let it go.

[Nahm]

@Western Buddha Why give it any attention at all?

[Yonkon]

@Western Buddha could you accept that you are, by chance, by a tiny fraction bisexual? This is not a claim, nor am i saying this to provoke you. It seems to me you are clinging to the "100% straight" belief, and this may hurt you. I was sexually shamed for being gay at a young age and only when i discovered my bisexual side i could start to let go of my hurt feelings.

 

 

[Good-boy]

@Western Buddha ewww. Good boy almost puked after reading your post. Stay strong my friend. ?

[Nahm]

@Shiva ?

[Moreira]

Of you had a rich dating life this would be just a fun anecdote, but instead you develop this kind of oneitis for this shemale and get kinda obsessed. Try to meet new poeple.

[Rilles]

the comments on this thread are fucking horrible, i feel bad for you man, maybe you can have a few therapy sessions 

[Inliytened1]

@Western Buddha Have an awakening experience and you will become conscious that he was you.  Non-duality will melt away all guilt because everything and everyone is you.  You are alone.  You had sex with yourself.  And all of this is illusion.  If that doesn't fix you i don't know what will.

Take some 5-meo to get there if you need to.  Do whatever it takes.

[Luna]

@Western Buddha  

I'm just going to say this, it wasn't your fault and you didn't know. it's HIS fault. he's the one who lied to you from what i read

it's a natural response to be angry at a barefaced lie, i would be mad too. 

you didn't do anything wrong you were fooled by someone don't let anyone tell you otherwise. 

[universe]

Well you said it yourself, you kinda suspected something to be off. So you were totally conscious of everything that happened and you let it happen. If you would be 100% against having sexual intercourse with a transgender you wouldnt be in the situation you are in now. Why? I dont know. Could be because you have homosexual tendencies or could be because you were needy for some intimate connection.

And thats cool. A lot of hairy masculine guys with big dicks and strong muscles did the same thing. They were very hetero and very masculine before having sex with a transgender. And they are even more hetero and masculine after having sex with a transgender. Maybe they hardend their position for not having sex with transgender woman based on their experience. Who knows? But very masculine 100%

Another thing. You said you wanted to hurt her like she hurt you. Ok. But then you said you wanted to punch her. That doesnt make sense, because she didnt punch you! She hurt you emotionally and not physically. So you need another plan! Something that maybe involves a transgender man to have sex with her.

[lmfao]

@Western Buddha I'm not sure if I read your post right but she gave you a handjob did she? Yeah I mean I'd probably be scarred if a trans woman gave me a handjob without me knowing she was transgender. 

I think I can relate. You just have this feeling of being violated isn't? A feeling which is very hard to articulate and describe. That feeling of being dirty and feeling shame? 

Try conjuring up the negative emotions and thoughts you have on this experience. And then pay very close attention to your physical sensations. Pay attention to the weird, swirly and pulsating emotions in your body. Come to terms with it, become interested with it. Experience it concretely. See why it is irrational to become bothered by this flowing emotion. Many of these deeply negative emotions have a strong physiological/physical experience to them, and its worth exploring them. Exploring the raw emotion of anxiety and fear. It's something I've been trying to do more recently. 

So long as you don't lose your will to fight, and remain steadfast in your commitment to face your demons it is impossible for you to not become awakened. 

 

--------------------------------------------------

 

In conjunction to what I said above, perhaps you can look at what happened to you in a funny way right? Like if she gave you a handjob and you cummed it must of have been enjoyable LMAO. 

A trans woman made you ejaculate. I mean it's no big deal. And I don't say this to belittle your response or your feelings. I'm presenting you my perspective. If it was me I'd just laugh and think "lol sexuality and attraction is so fluid", notice how much of whats going on here in terms of attraction and sexuality is a psychological game. 

Consider the possibility that the sexual experience you have is in of in itself wasn't actually bad at all. For us humans identical sensations felt in different contexts will drastically change out perception and enjoyment of the sensation. The context here are the thought stories you give 

e.g:

• The soreness of your legs the day after the gym vs the soreness in your muscles from a virus 
• A child gets slapped. He turns around. In one situation he sees his father laughing, in the other situation he sees his father looking angry.
• Shudders of fear vs shudders of delight.
• anxiety vs laughter
• Tears of joy vs Tears of sorrow

The deliverance from suffering comes in seeing through the illusion of contexts and thought stories. Where this consciousness work will lead I dont know. But I am curious, as to what is to happen once one enters the realm of acute extreme suffering. To experience the transforming of all sensations into pure ecstasy and bliss. Now thats something which is interesting. 

 

 

[Pallero]

No one is 100 % straight. Is this your biggest fear?

Are you sure that nothing like this has ever happened to you before? Does it remind you of anything? Another betrayal or sexual abuse perhaps?

I'm sorry that you are suffering so much, but I'm afraid you will have to deal with this situation. You are going to have to face the emotions. I know sexual abuse is extremely difficult to deal with. Maybe you can get some help from a therapist?

[Emerald]

On 6/1/2019 at 8:40 AM, Western Buddha said:

I'm 100% straight and that's why it bothers me so much. 

Gay men usually aren't attracted to trans women. Gay men are not interested in women sexually.

Most people who find trans women attractive are straight men who see trans women as women. 

Now, IMO she should have divulged this information to you prior to the act. Some people might say, trans women are just women and so there shouldn't be a need to divulge that... and I see where they're coming from in trying to normalize being trans. But I do think people should be open and honest about things, and she was definitely being purposefully deceptive.

But if you enjoyed the act, it's not because you're gay or even bi. It's because you're straight and you genuinely saw her as a woman.

 

[Shadowraix]

1 hour ago, Emerald said:

But if you enjoyed the act, it's not because you're gay or even bi. It's because you're straight and you genuinely saw her as a woman.

Yeah this is interesting. Its less about the identity of male or female as a label but more about characteristics we attribute to them.

A trans-woman can be hot as fuck specifically because she has feminine characteristics. If the characteristics leaned too masculine it would be a turn-off. But yet when we learn of their true identity biological it causes a conflict in us. Why? Is it because we so desperately grasp to maintain our sexual identities?

[tsuki]

On 1.06.2019 at 2:40 PM, Western Buddha said:

I'm 100% straight and that's why it bothers me so much. 

You are being asked to let go of sexuality as your identity.
It seems like you tried to repress this memory and you know how that worked out.
You won't be able to forget this and keep your meditation practice.

Realize that attraction is not based on appearance, personality, chemistry, wealth, status, survival, or even biological gender.
Attraction is what asks you to release identity. Suffer through it and be happy.

[Nathan99]

 If you ask me, you had it right the first time where you simply laughed it off. Life is the divine comedy, it's your choice if you'd like it to turn into a tragedy because of something that doesn't matter at all in the grand scheme of things. My guess is your solid meditation practice shook up your ego a bit and in defense it concocted this whole story just to divert your attention, but did it work? I don't know, have you been spending time, angrily typing at your computer when you could be on the cushion? If the answer is yes, then either you give the ego what it wants, you stop practicing meditation and you return to homeostasis, at which point I bet your issue with this transgender would magically disappear. Or you could push through these negative feelings and emerge from the other side, enlightened.