My random journal

[arlin]

I will write on the journal randomy. I keep my personal journal at home and i write with my pen, which makes me feel better.

I started this journey in date 07/05/19.

I was unable to feel my emotions, a lot of frustrations and very intense emotions buryied and stuck inside. As soon as i closed my eyes to meditate, just for 5 minutes, i started crying. I started learning the meaning of basic emotions. 

When i tryied to meditate, i would feel sick, nauseous feelings.

I realized i can't organize my life, i started procastinating a lot and learned about it. Eventually, fortunatly i begun meditating everyday.

I had crazy emotional releases so far, 1 in particular that i will remember for the rest of my life... And i still have deep sadness buryied and stuck within me. My relationship with my first girlfriend destroyd me emotionally, today im still carrying the weight of the grief.

 I have to figure out how to organize my life, not procastinate and release emotions. 

So i made a plan, nice, nice plan arlin,congrats. It works, i know what i have to do. But i am still very distracted and i can do better with my time... i fall in ego deceptions and backlashes a lot.

23/05/19 i had an emotional overwhelmed release that i will remember forever i felt lighter and i felt like it was working, finally it was working, i could improve my life. I was optimistic.

30/05/19 I had a relapse... crazy huh? Fuck me... im pathetic. I can't do it. I have intense grief inside me and i know that i have to study how traumas work and shadow work and all that stuff, but i keep procastinating. It's crazy.

Beginnin to doubt myself again...

Today, 31/05/19 i meditated. Crazy voices shouting in my head that i have to die. I am beginnin to believe that i have serious illnesses. 

Maybe it's just because i never meditated in my life. I have to keep going and not surrender, it's the only way it can work... Or could.