Relationship. Doubts between two girls .

[Giulio Bevilacqua]

Hi everyone .

I'm experiencing doubts about my relationship . I'm in a relationship for 4 and half years . 

In these days I've know a girl during a theatre project that i' m working on . 

There is a strong connection,attraction  between us, and I have a big pull to speak with her and spend some time together. 

So what to do ?

In my actual relationship I don't have strong emotions towards her, and also with physical contact sometimes I get a little bit contract . I've often tohught to break up , but I think deep down there is a fear to hurt her . She is very fragile , I feel more to be a brother to her. 

But there are moments where i"m relaxed and not too judgentmental , i feel very good with her .

Sadhguru says that there is not best person to live with , it's only involvement 

My mind is getting very confused. 

In a bigger view I think that you can live happily without discrimination and judgment with everyone , so there is no best decision .

Is this only a trick of the mind ? 

[noselfnofun]

 

Think back to when you first met your current girlfriend, did you have a strong connection and attraction for her then? Because lets say you do leave her and go with the other girl it will be good at first but the same problems may arise with the new girl also when your 4 years in. If you want a strong relationship you have to look past the physical as that can never last.

 

The most important thing to look for in a partner is that you are both on the same journey together of creating a more fulfilled life.

[Giulio Bevilacqua]

5 minutes ago, noselfnofun said:

 

Think back to when you first met your current girlfriend, did you have a strong connection and attraction for her then? Because lets say you do leave her and go with the other girl it will be good at first but the same problems may arise with the new girl also when your 4 years in. If you want a strong relationship you have to look past the physical as that can never last.

 

The most important thing to look for in a partner is that you are both on the same journey together of creating a more fulfilled life.

No at the beginning I was a bit skeptical . I didn't have a strong emotion , but I decided to go with her . After some months I had big crisis , with big doubts ,  maybe because It was my first relationship . I didn't felt the beginning" emotional storm". 

There was always this fear to hurt her in thinking about a break up

Edited May 31, 2019 by Giulio Bevilacqua
Ok

[Shin]

2 hours ago, Giulio Bevilacqua said:

Hi everyone .

I'm experiencing doubts about my relationship . I'm in a relationship for 4 and half years . 

In these days I've know a girl during a theatre project that i' m working on . 

There is a strong connection,attraction  between us, and I have a big pull to speak with her and spend some time together. 

So what to do ?

In my actual relationship I don't have strong emotions towards her, and also with physical contact sometimes I get a little bit contract . I've often tohught to break up , but I think deep down there is a fear to hurt her . She is very fragile , I feel more to be a brother to her. 

But there are moments where i"m relaxed and not too judgentmental , i feel very good with her .

Sadhguru says that there is not best person to live with , it's only involvement 

My mind is getting very confused. 

In a bigger view I think that you can live happily without discrimination and judgment with everyone , so there is no best decision .

Is this only a trick of the mind ? 

@Emerald

I don't think it's a good idea.

It always seem better on the other side, but you will get tired of this new girl eventually too.

If she was enough to attract you 4 years ago, she probably still is the same physically wise, so what changed is that your mind want something more, because it just always want something more.

The trick is to recognize that and try to get deeper intimacy and love with your current girlfriend.
So that probably means learning do have tantric sex together, learning to just be together without saying anything and just bonding by cuddling, being more honest and talk about all the things you are afraid to tell her (and her too) and all the things you dream to do, and just more honest communication overall.

Also each of you should learn to be fulfilled in the inside, by meditating and doing shadow work that will be hard for both of you, but good news you have each other to support yourself.

The only reason to break up would be if you want to grow and she is damn adamant to stay unconscious, resent your for it, and complain about it.
Basically, if she doesn't accept what you are and what you are doing.
It's ok if she's not super enthousiastic about it, but she should be at least interested and supportive.

Edited May 31, 2019 by Shin

[LordFall]

I (surprisingly) agree mostly with @Shin's advice. Ask yourself deep down what you really want and expect from a relationship and why you're not currently getting it from her. I worry when you keep repeating that you're afraid to hurt her, are you really willing to deprive yourself and her of a fully loving and passionate relationship because you're afraid of hurting her in this moment? 

 

Relationships are hard, especially after years invested in them. You gotta dig deep down and realize if the fulfillment you're looking for is really in another girl(and it could be. You could be incompatible and the last 4 years will be training towards the relationship you're meant for) or if the issue is a lack of growth on your part. 

Regardless, best of luck. 

[Farnaby]

On 31/5/2019 at 2:29 PM, Giulio Bevilacqua said:

Hi everyone .

I'm experiencing doubts about my relationship . I'm in a relationship for 4 and half years . 

In these days I've know a girl during a theatre project that i' m working on . 

There is a strong connection,attraction  between us, and I have a big pull to speak with her and spend some time together. 

So what to do ?

In my actual relationship I don't have strong emotions towards her, and also with physical contact sometimes I get a little bit contract . I've often tohught to break up , but I think deep down there is a fear to hurt her . She is very fragile , I feel more to be a brother to her. 

But there are moments where i"m relaxed and not too judgentmental , i feel very good with her .

Sadhguru says that there is not best person to live with , it's only involvement 

My mind is getting very confused. 

In a bigger view I think that you can live happily without discrimination and judgment with everyone , so there is no best decision .

Is this only a trick of the mind ? 

@Giulio Bevilacqua Hi, I can relate to how you're feeling because I've also experienced doubts, lack of strong emotions, etc., in my relationship, although there's no third person involved in my case. 

I think it's important to ask yourself deep down if what you found in this other girl is something that you and your girlfriend have somehow lost or got disconnected from and if it can be brought back into the relationship or if it never was there to begin with. This is important, because if it was there but slowly started to fade away, you risk repeating the same pattern if you were to choose the other girl. 

Another very important part is to talk about how you're feeling with your girlfriend. Honesty goes a long way and sometimes it even brings back the connection that was missing.

By doing this, you break the dynamic where you feel like a brother to her and see her as fragile. It's certainly possible that she is indeed fragile to some extent and I understand your fear of hurting her, but it won't be good for her in the long run to always be protected like this and it leads to depolarization and loss of attraction. You can be honest and at the same time be caring and respecting her feelings. She may even be feeling similar emotions. 

I hope this can be somehow useful

5 hours ago, LordFall said:

I (surprisingly) agree mostly with @Shin's advice. Ask yourself deep down what you really want and expect from a relationship and why you're not currently getting it from her. I worry when you keep repeating that you're afraid to hurt her, are you really willing to deprive yourself and her of a fully loving and passionate relationship because you're afraid of hurting her in this moment? 

 

Relationships are hard, especially after years invested in them. You gotta dig deep down and realize if the fulfillment you're looking for is really in another girl(and it could be. You could be incompatible and the last 4 years will be training towards the relationship you're meant for) or if the issue is a lack of growth on your part. 

Regardless, best of luck. 

@LordFall This sounds like great advice. Could you give some hints that may help recognizing if the problem is due to incompatibility or lack of growth. I know there's no absolute answer to this, but maybe there are some clues?