Huge Wall In The Path

[luismatos]

I've been listening to Leo and doing daily meditation for almost 3 years, and I gained a lot of benefit and consciousness from it. However, the last year has been very stale. I don't see any big improvements anymore, and I don't consider myself a happy person yet. I'm still unsatisfied with life and holding on to lots of garbage. I have been to a Vipassana Retreat but was asked to leave after a big emotional release in day-6. I've attended Inner Engineering by Sadhguru and now am doing daily Shambhavi Mahamudra initiated by him.

One wall that has been most present in my life is the craving/aversion for intimacy. I was addicted to porn since I was 12, and have tried to quit in recent years but eventually got myself back into it. Now I'm on track again, but getting very depressed that nothing will eventually change. There's a lot of neediness still, so much that I almost bought a hooker for 150€/hour. And looking back, my life has just been a repetitive cycle of the same non-sense. I'm 19 and don't want to waste my life.

There's a temptation to leave everything behind and go do strong spiritual work in Sadhguru's ashram. It seems I'm not able to do it by myself. I'm looking for honest advice. And no, this is has not been a 1-week ego-backlash. This feeling of repetitiveness and staleness has been here for a year.

Thank you and I'm looking forward to hear your opinions.

Edited May 28, 2019 by luismatos

[Shin]

You're not doing what is important, you're working spituality, not being spiritual.

It doesn't matter how much practices, retreats or psychedelics you do/take if you still neglect that you are the seer behind your thoughts.

Find what you are essentially, then all those problems will fix themselves in time.

Just read again The Power Of Now and listen to Eckart Tolle on Youtube.

[Salvijus]

Go for sadhanapada, they like young people like you very much. And they are very supportive and welcoming to every one who want to stay in the ashram and do spiritual sadhana. Plus you did IE so it's already a big step. 

[luismatos]

@Shin I recognize that I'm the seer, and I know that I'm not the thoughts nor these problems nor these body movements. But I want to consciously go further, but seems I've hit a brick wall. Maybe I'm attaching myself without even realizing, in that case I just need to let it go.

I'm tired of reading books. The Power Of Now was the first book that I read 3 years ago and was a really good introduction. 

Edited May 28, 2019 by luismatos

[luismatos]

@Salvijus That sounds like a good idea. I will apply for it next year, after I finish my degree.

[Shin]

Just now, luismatos said:

@Shin I recognize that I'm the seer, and I know that I'm not the thoughts nor these problems nor these body movements. But I want to consciously go further, but seems I've hit a brick wall.

I'm tired of reading books. The Power Of Now was the first book that I read 3 years ago and was a really good introduction. 

Do self-inquiry 24/24 then

If you truly want to awaken you will awaken.

[luismatos]

@Shin You're right. I'm just bitching and moaning.

[Sempiternity]

Have you considered doing 5-MeO? Have a full blown Awakening? 

[Leo Gura]

Psychedelics can be a great way to take your growth to a whole new level.

But also don't neglect your sexual needs. At your age sex is healthy and good. Just do it responsibly. Get you fill of it. Get a girlfriend. Enjoy it for fucks sake. You're only human. You ain't ready to be saint just yet.

Burn through some of your karma. You're young. You've got time.

Don't view sex as a dirty, bad, or unholy thing. Sex is very holy when done right. Even masturbating is holy! Enjoy it. Stop judging yourself for it. Watching some porn is not going to destroy your life or even keep you from awakening.

Remember, all sex is masturbation. Since there is only one entity is existence. Sex with anyone other than yourself is metaphysically impossible! Lol

[luismatos]

@Jed Vassallo I've done 5-MeO once with a Shaman. Had an awakening experience.

@Leo Gura

I don't like to complain, but I must say that it has been extra-hard for me to get into intimate relationships. I tend to isolate myself from other people, and lose interest in friendships and socialization. At the same time, I crave for intimate and meaningful relationships. 3 years ago I started reading PUA and trying their techniques. I ended up with a few hookups but realized afterwards how artificial and false these relationships were. Now, when I start talking with some girl, the energy just wears off after some time and I lose interest and isolate myself. I've accepted this karma, and tried heavily to dissolve it with Sadhana. I am now trying Psychoanalysis. What am I not seeing? What am I missing?  

[noselfnofun]

10 minutes ago, luismatos said:

@Jed Vassallo I've done 5-MeO once with a Shaman. Had an awakening experience.

@Leo Gura

I don't like to complain, but I must say that it has been extra-hard for me to get into intimate relationships. I tend to isolate myself from other people, and lose interest in friendships and socialization. At the same time, I crave for intimate and meaningful relationships. 3 years ago I started reading PUA and trying their techniques. I ended up with a few hookups but realized afterwards how artificial and false these relationships were. Now, when I start talking with some girl, the energy just wears off after some time and I lose interest and isolate myself. I've accepted this karma, and tried heavily to dissolve it with Sadhana. I am now trying Psychoanalysis. What am I not seeing? What am I missing?  

I actually went through this when I was your age and I had also just gotten into spirituality. However I set some time aside to really focus on becoming more confident socially and having intimate relationships ect but would still keep up a meditation practice.They go hand in hand which is good. Once I got it sorted it was a huge weight off my shoulders.  You want to be careful your not trying to bypass the problem, it would be much more valuable to learn how to connect with people and have intimate relationships then look at transcending it before you have even had any experience with it. 

You need to find out when you try and isolate people and work on fixing it.

 

To completely transcend your sexual desires is very advanced and may well take years or life times so don't beat yourself up, do some self love practices and get yourself out there.

 

[Charlotte]

@luismatos to me personally it sounds like you've been judging yourself because of this brick wall you've hit. Are you only content during times of growth? Are you aware of how much you're judging yourself? 

[luismatos]

@Charlotte I guess I've been judging myself from not attaining to my ideals. 

[Shin]

16 minutes ago, luismatos said:

@Charlotte I guess I've been judging myself from not attaining to my ideals. 

Don't judge yourself, and don't judge the fact that you're judging yourself  

Just do your best, and if you fail you can still start anew

[ajasatya]

6 hours ago, luismatos said:

There's a temptation to leave everything behind and go do strong spiritual work in Sadhguru's ashram.

If you're aware of the consequences, then do it. This is my 2 cents.

[Leo Gura]

12 hours ago, luismatos said:

 

@Leo Gura

I don't like to complain, but I must say that it has been extra-hard for me to get into intimate relationships. I tend to isolate myself from other people, and lose interest in friendships and socialization. At the same time, I crave for intimate and meaningful relationships. 3 years ago I started reading PUA and trying their techniques. I ended up with a few hookups but realized afterwards how artificial and false these relationships were. Now, when I start talking with some girl, the energy just wears off after some time and I lose interest and isolate myself. I've accepted this karma, and tried heavily to dissolve it with Sadhana. I am now trying Psychoanalysis. What am I not seeing? What am I missing?  

Well, I can't tell you what is right for you. But it sounds like you've simply not done enough work/experience with it. Remember, that relationships are what you make of them. If you put in no enthusiasm you will get none back.

Maybe you just want to be a celibate monk. I dunno. That's a fine path, if that's what you truly want.

But for most people intimate relationships are the way to go. You can always become a celibate monk later in life after you gain more experience with relationships & sex.

I think becoming a monk is only proper for very serious people who know what they're doing. It's not right for most ordinary folks.

[EvilAngel]

12 hours ago, luismatos said:

@Jed Vassallo

@Leo Gura

I don't like to complain, but I must say that it has been extra-hard for me to get into intimate relationships. I tend to isolate myself from other people, and lose interest in friendships and socialization. At the same time, I crave for intimate and meaningful relationships. 3 years ago I started reading PUA and trying their techniques. I ended up with a few hookups but realized afterwards how artificial and false these relationships were. Now, when I start talking with some girl, the energy just wears off after some time and I lose interest and isolate myself. I've accepted this karma, and tried heavily to dissolve it with Sadhana. I am now trying Psychoanalysis. What am I not seeing? What am I missing?  

I am in a similar position. I avoided sexual relationships until the age of 24. I was attracted to the opposite sex and the idea of sex was appealing, but spirituality was always more important to me even though I had a strong sex-drive. Now I'm in my 30's do I regret being celibate most of my life? Not really. Being true to yourself is more important. If True Love is important to you then having sex for sex's sake will always leave you feeling empty. People like you and me have a stronger calling. Think about what is important to you. 

If you have to wait to find someone who actually means something to you, where noone is being used, then wait. You'll see a certain look in her eyes, and you'll know that it's right. 

But in the meantime, I wouldn't worry about using porn, it's a way of satisfying a need that everyone has. 

[joeyi99]

@Leo Gura What do you mean by "burn through some of your karma"?

[memocappa]

Hey bud, sorry to hear about what you’ve been through. But one good news is that this emotion is going to push you for the change that you’ll need. You being here, and asking this question is an example of you’ve already taking action for it.

It sounds like the emotional release during retreat was bit stronger, which could be a potential signal for a second mind to guide you. It’s good that you’re getting a psychotherapist’s help. But, the work is mostly on your end, I highly recommend this book if you want to get serious about it. Just dive in and see where it takes you. Reinventing Your Life: The Breakthrough Program to End Negative Behavior and Feel Great Again https://www.amazon.com/dp/0452272041/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_tai_EPF7CbAE0MAT6

[Mu_]

19 hours ago, luismatos said:

I've been listening to Leo and doing daily meditation for almost 3 years, and I gained a lot of benefit and consciousness from it. However, the last year has been very stale. I don't see any big improvements anymore, and I don't consider myself a happy person yet. I'm still unsatisfied with life and holding on to lots of garbage. I have been to a Vipassana Retreat but was asked to leave after a big emotional release in day-6. I've attended Inner Engineering by Sadhguru and now am doing daily Shambhavi Mahamudra initiated by him.

One wall that has been most present in my life is the craving/aversion for intimacy. I was addicted to porn since I was 12, and have tried to quit in recent years but eventually got myself back into it. Now I'm on track again, but getting very depressed that nothing will eventually change. There's a lot of neediness still, so much that I almost bought a hooker for 150€/hour. And looking back, my life has just been a repetitive cycle of the same non-sense. I'm 19 and don't want to waste my life.

There's a temptation to leave everything behind and go do strong spiritual work in Sadhguru's ashram. It seems I'm not able to do it by myself. I'm looking for honest advice. And no, this is has not been a 1-week ego-backlash. This feeling of repetitiveness and staleness has been here for a year.

Thank you and I'm looking forward to hear your opinions.

Hey man first of all great job so with the efforts and discipline you’ve put in so far.  Don’t beat yourself up over not meeting your expectations just yet. These things take time. I read that your doing psychoanalysis, how long you been putting time into this.  Tackling the intimacy issue sounds important but also let in it may or may not be the time for this to resolve, so don’t force it or get frustrated it remains.  just surrender some of the belief and control you have that it’s ALL in your control, this is really important in my experience.  Put effort in to some degree with what you do but leave room for the unknown/god/the mystery of life and growth to help.  Your putting seeds in the garden and not letting nature rain on you ? allowing it’s grace to nurture the seed/you. 

The fact that your feeling stale may also be a sign that it’s time to explore and experiment with some new areas of life or spiritual practices. Maybe volunteer some of your time to those less fortunate then you if you have the means or look into new spiritual teachers wisdom. 

Youve got s good heart and yearning, I can feel it. Keep your head up and let in the love that’s out there for you.