LSD Trip Report - Coming Home to Myself + Reverence & Love For The Creation

[kieranperez]

• 1 Tab of LSD
• Date: May 25, 2019
• Setting: Apartment 
• Time of Consumption: 10:15 AM
• ”Technique”: Bi-lateral symmetry (it’s ridiculous how powerful this is given how simple it is)

Early Phase:

• Massive psychological purging, processing, and integration of unconscious repressions and shadows regarding...
• Sex - I realized that all my deep sexual cravings have really just been a craving for security, comfort, and approval that I now lack from my mother
• Solo struggle (craving for motherly safety and security) and the fear of struggling on my own. 
• My repressed unconscious “Freudian relationship towards my mother” (I’ll let you piece that together)
• Repressed femininity 
• Repressed attraction to men (more of a denial for being able to see the honest beauty in men given how I tend to deny that acknowledgement through my constructed cultural role as a man) 

Cross The Threshold:

• This was the point I knew I couldn’t go deeper until I surrendered to the fear of losing my mind and going back into bi-lateral symmetry. I had gotten up a couple times from bi-lateral symmetry by this point given that I was so exhausted energetically and emotionally but just by breaking that natural and authentic alignment energetically and psycbologically, I got to the point where I couldn’t walk because I felt like my psyche split in 2 and I was getting so overwhelmed. 
• At this point I truly felt I was losing my mind. I started to realize around me that reality is a giant mind and that it’s my mind. My projections had consequences on what I normal would unconsciously perceive of as the “external world”. I felt I was going crazy. I felt like I was in this all encompassing and unescapable echo chamber that is my mind. I feel a lot of this has a great tie in with my ADHD and how my mind works. 
• Despite the overwhelming fear of the massive mindfuck that I’m living in a giant mind, I knew there was no reason to try to escape the truth of this. So I decided to just go back into symmetry. Prior though I found a “Live Bad Trip Guide” from the YouTuber Psyched Substance and that really helped center me back to surrender.
• Once I truly let go I was able to face my own eternal devilry. I realized that I caused the extinction of the dinosaurs. I literally caused all the suffering in the world including things like the holocaust, terroism, etc. I faced my own selfishness and real suffering that stem from my own deep self hatred, shame, guilt, deep fear, insecurity, all my shortcomings and failures, loneliness, the feeling that I’m a fucking loser, my own feeling of inferiority and inadequacy, etc. I worked through all of it. The more I authentically and honestly faced whatever arises without resistance, just pure acceptance, the more free I became. 

For The Love of God, For The Love of Creation, For The Love That Is Me:

• At this point in my consciousness I realized and felt in my that I was literally One with everything. I was the very bed and clothes I was wearing along with anything I touched, saw, heard, smelled, tasted, etc.
• I became conscious that all perspectives ultimately collapse into the One perspective. Though multiple perspectives serve useful, they are not existentially true as they are the illusion occurring all in first person subjective experience. To deny or be unconscious of such truth is to create the illusion of separation and also a shadow. All of them fundamentally collapse into myself. This is the highest level of shadow integration. It’s also ultimate ownership of my own projections, judgements, etc. “We”, “us”, “our”, “it”, “it’s”, “them”, “him”, “her”, “that”, “this”, etc. all occur in “I”. There’s a saying in shadow work that goes something like “if you spot it, you got it.” However I’d like to add the deeper element of “if you spot it, you did it”. Gotta be careful with that but hopefully you can understand what I’m trying to communicate. This insight doesn’t forsake the importance of learning and seeking out other perspectives. Quite the contrary. The more you integrate every perspectivr, the more whole and authentic and whole you/we/I become.
• I realized that my own perspective spawns everything into being.
• I became conscious that all “evil” and anything that ever happens ever comes from God’s Love. If anything ever happens, the fundamental cause is because God Loves. It’s because I Love. It’s Love for Creation for its own sake and that it’s God being itself. It’s me being myself.
• I realized that God’s Love is really God Loving itself and that this is me Loving myself.
• I realized that God is one with “his”/my/our creation and he/I Love of our creation. I was at a point where I was taking a piss only to shortly thereafter be on the ground balling my eyes out crying with tears of Love flowing down my face hugging this toilet in all of its Beauty, Goodness, and Love. Every little piss stain, hair, etc. that was on  it was Perfect. I loved it because it was me, because I accept myself, and I Love myself. I’ve never cried like that before. 
• I didn’t just feel God’s Love, I realized it was me. This was so overwhelming I felt unworthy in yet at the same time I knew I was worthy because I am it. The more I could authentically feel and acknowledge my own authentic Loving nature, the more I was able to honestly surrender and, as Rumi accurately put it “wash myself of myself.”
• I realized the goal of my life...
• The goal of my life is to become (a) God. To fully surrender and embody and accept my own true nature as much as possible, realizing and embodying my own true “Godhood”.
• The goal of my life is to embody and master Truth, Consciousness, Love, Creatvitiy, Goodness, Authenticity, Self-Expression, and Beauty and take that into the world
• The goal of my life is to become a conscious benefactor to the world, mankind, and all beings because the world is my own creation and I Love my creation and I want to Love and accept my one Creation for its own sake. 
• The goal of my life is to help awaken myself to myself. Which is to awaken others and elevate life. I have a deep Lovd for my Creation and I want to elevate others. They are me and I want to accept and, Love, and awaken so that it eventually becomes God Lovingly look itself/himself/herself/myself. Marveling at its/her/his/our/my Beauty. 
• I realized I am worthy of happiness, self-acceptance, Love, and the recognition of my own Beauty. By the end of this trip I was in my bed crying so hard because I looked at myself for the first time and loved myself in a way I've never loved myself before (probably because I never really have). In the past, self-love and acceptance in practice would still feel tainted with guilt, shame, apathy, hopelessness, and self-hatred. Not only was my capacity for Love cranked up on high but my internalized self judgments had been exorcised from my very being. I felt free. I felt honest. I felt like me for the first time of my life. I understand now why the word “reborn” exists. The most shocking part of all was that this was all true. I felt unworthy and was so shocked in yet I knew it was true. That’s what made it so incredible. I didn’t understand why in yet at the same time I also did totally understand why. I am God. I am Love.
• I understand why religious/spiritual traditions stress reverence. You’re bowing to your creation and it’s beauty. You Love (your) creation. It’s gratitude taken all the way to Gratitude. I was bowing to everything by the end of it all. There is nothing ugly. Nothing.
• I realized that Creation is for its own sake. God create because God Loves. The reason we have our 5 sense faculties is to experience our own unitary creation. God wants to experience his/my/our creation through an infinite myriad of ways. Mindfulness is fundamentally a practice to train one’s faculties of attention to expand one’s capacity towards fully experiencing, embracing, and marveling at one’s own divine creation through unfettered, unfiltered, pure, honest, and truthful lens. 

Coming Back Down:

• The come down was quite pleasant. 
• I felt so purified from my waist on up energetically, psychologically, spiritually, and emotionally. However I did have massive legs cramps on the medial end of my quads/hamstrings stretching down the top of my calves. I can almost certainly say those were more blocks. However the substance was near completion so I thought I’d take what I got and call it a day. 
• So fucking exhausted. Just so exhausted lol. Felt so energetically and emotionally sensitive and drained I could barely walk. 
• I had the usual feeling of being lost in the giant mind echo chamber. I really do think there’s a connection to my ADHD with that given the way my mind works. Feels pretty destabilizing more often than not to be honest. 

Lessons, Insights, and Conclusion:

• As I type this I definitely have dropped back down which is of course demoralizing. However that was expected. I have had a very rude fucking ego backlash. This has been hard given the fact that I’m now on my own for this summer. I have dropped back into my old judgments, character, etc. which hasn’t been easy. Though I don’t regret this experience in the slightest, I do think it’s  more than I can handle right now. I really have to be honest with myself about where I’m at in my own growth. I can’t honestly handle realizations this massive. I know this goes WAY deeper. I know that this is not even me starting. However, the fact is that I still don’t have my life together. I’m so excited by spirituality and am more motivated by that in my heart but I’m not in a position where I can pursue that right now. There’s a reason the Ancient Greek philosophers and the Brahmin caste in India were able to pursue this stuff... because they had their survival handled because they were at the top of the chain. Same with the Buddha before he renounced. This has been hard because when you’re 24 and have genuine intentions to realize God and impact the world but your ego is so weak, fragile, is so unhappy, hopelessness, so full of neurosis and trauma AND you still have yet to ever take care of baseline survival needs... that’s hard to reconcile that internally on a multitude of levels. 
• Having said all of that I am quite shaken. Mere recollection of 2 days ago brings tears to my eyes. 
• I know there’s more. There’s SO much fucking more.

@Leo Gura I remember in your spirituality video you said “you’re gonna feel unworthy. You’re gonna glimpse this truth and you’re gonna say ‘oh my god! Im not worthy of anything this Good!’ How do you accept something infinitely Good?” I couldn’t have put that any better. Thank you. Thank you for everything.

Warm bows

I hope you find this useful. 

Edited May 28, 2019 by kieranperez

[Leo Gura]

Beautiful man. You got it

Now you understand your full potential.

Baby steps. 24 is nothin'. You're still a baby with your whole life ahead of you.

Trust that you will slowly figure it out how to get your ducks in a row. You are God after all

You're way ahead of most 24 year olds. This kind of depth even the Buddha didn't reach until his mid 30's. So be fucking patient

[Sempiternity]

Yeah, most 24yearolds I know still acting like teenagers. Haven't grown up yet. I would kill to be as far along as you are, when I was 24. If you stick with all this, just imagine what you'll be like at 30 or 40. 

[tsuki]

This is awesome. Thank you for sharing and good luck! ?

Quick Google didn't show up anything on your technique (bi-lateral symmetry). Do you mind sharing any resources?

Edited May 28, 2019 by tsuki

[DrewNows]

@kieranperez nice work! 

@tsuki I am pretty sure martin ball shares this sort of technique for tripping. You can find him on youtube but basically i think it is keeping body alignment "bilaterally"  

not curling up or twisting etc but opening up and staying in sync even if the body wants to recoil 

Edited May 28, 2019 by DrewNows

[Inliytened1]

To echo what everyone else just said this is absolutely beautiful.  Words can't even express it.  Powerful stuff man.

Yes it's hard to be having all of the realizations you are having and then the next day go to a job at Burger King or wherever you are working trying to get your basic needs met.   

It is so profound and so deep that really everything else pales in comparison.  But keep going you are doing wonderful.  And you are getting much more conscious with these mystical experiences and subsequent realizations.  You are no longer the same, for the better.  Remember that.

The old you is gone and there is a new you now.  Keep getting more conscious.

To read this is what makes everything worth while.

Keep working on your life purpose / career path in tandem and everything will fall into place.  But congrats man it really made me smile.

Edited May 28, 2019 by Inliytened1

[Shaun]

Interesting report, can mushrooms give the same effect? 

[outlandish]

Nice report @kieranperez ! Good work in your trip, you didn't shy away from anything.

@Shaun yes you could have a trip like this on mushrooms, but it really depends on how you attune to the trip and flow with it, and what material you have to work on. There is so much interplay in psychedelics - LSD didn't give him this trip directly per se - as in the content of kieran's trip wasn't contained within the blotter tab. The drug facilitated the headspace that allowed this trip to happen. Mushrooms could do that too, but it would be different; you can't step in the same river twice.

[Consilience]

This was beautiful ??

[Barna]

Thank you for sharing this 

[llumi]

Inspiring report, thank you ❤️ Keep going.

[moon777light]

after your two lsd trips, how is your relationship with the adhd, like has it improveda lot?

[kieranperez]

@Consilience thanks man

@outlandish thanks brotha. Certainly not easy. 

@Shaun I haven’t done mushrooms. This was my 2nd ever psychedelic trip.

@Inliytened1 I very much agree with what you’re saying. The coming back down is the hardest part, at least for me personally. I actually had a thought as I was coming back down of a Zen master giving a quintessential wink and I really understood why they do that. It’s to give the subtle message of ‘keep your head on straight kiddo. We got work to do. The test is how we take this into the world. We got to really be staying on top of our own house here if we’re going to act in the world at all.’ One of the things that humbles me personally is the responsibility such awakenings come with. Truly integrated awakenings are so humbling because you realize just what you really signed up for by coming into being. 

I mean your Burger King example is totally on par. I’m 24, terrible low self-esteem, don’t have my finances together at all, very low in my own development in so many areas, I’m working in a summer pest control gig, etc. In a sense these realizations are both inspiring yet also demoralizing because I come back and realize the utter fucking magnitude of what I truly want and it literally feels impossible. 

I remember Leo’s interview with Ralston on YouTube where Ralston was saying ‘people often don’t believe that they themselves can do it. They have in the abstract that it can be done yet it’s not really real for them.’ Though he was talking about enlightenment I find that to be a perfect description of where I’m at with myself. I feel I’ve really been on this downwards slope (though now I’m “trying” to claw my way out) and now I’m realizing a whole new path that demands more responsibility than ever before. 

I’m not trying to be a downer but I just want to be honest about where I feel I’m at within myself. 

@Barna no problem man.

@tsuki thanks man

@DrewNows thanks brother.

@Jed Vassallo thanks man. I do appreciate that. 

@Leo Gura the following videos have helped me the most to really solidify this vision for myself (in no particular order):

• The Highest Hero’s Journey
• What is the Point of Life?
• Becoming God
• The 10 Ox Herding Pictures
• Life is a Maze
• Enlightenment Live
• Becoming a Sage
• The Gallery of Absolute Infinity

The hardest part about these realizations isn’t even my circumstances. It’s fear. Deep. Fear. The fear that I can’t. In yet it’s that feeling of “I can’t” that sparks the very emotional pain I feel when I entertain the possibility that I won’t ever really embrace who I ultimately am. That’s fundamentally what that pain is. The denial of who and what we ALL ultimately are, who I ultimately am. As I’m sure many people have felt, coming back down from these trips are painful precisely because I am faced with how much of selfish, undeveloped, cowardly person I live my life as. Not having really cultivated my own lower base needs really make this feel like an overwhelmingly impossible task. Especially when I struggle to even sit in meditation for even 30 minutes for a variety of reasons that ultimately amount to just more excuses. 

In yet... it is the thing I want. It is my life purpose. After reasonably integrating the last couple days I finally have my life purpose statement, which scares the shit out of me:

Inspire, elevate, and awaken mankind towards God. 

I have no fucking clue how I’m going to do this. The only thing I think I can do when it comes to this though is like that of all sages... Surrender. Surrender to one’s path. My path. However much longer it may be.  

Ironically, it’s not even the vision I thought I was ever after. What my ego was after. It’s counter to what my life has always reflected in terms of my desires and even semi deep “Zone of Excellence Passions”. This is what I as a God (not that I’m conscious of that truth now) want. Its something I feel like I can’t ignore anymore.  

Refusal of this call is why I suffer.

@llumi thanks  

@moon777light no. I notice LSD really amplifies it. Not in the way you might think. It amplifies the way my mind’s normal way of cognition.

Edited May 29, 2019 by kieranperez

[kieranperez]

@Leo Gura what advice would you give me for reconciling the transition towards a vision/life purpose of this magnitude while at the same time needing to do more basic personal development? I still need to handle base level surival needs and basic personal development. 

This feels like a life purpose that can only really be worked and actualized only if I’m like at your level of development or someone like Ralston, Sadhguru, or any other sage, present or past. I’m obviously so far from that that I feel like I don’t even know what to work on besides the job I’m doing now. All my other passions are kinda starting to dwindle, in yet I’m not emotionally or psychologically fit enough to do this work just yet. I perceive the world so much through my own survival needs that honest inquiry can’t even really be done. Not to mention cognitive issues I have. 

I appreciate any advice you can give. Thanks as always.

[kag101]

Now, let's see if you'll be able to integrate this "enlightenment" experience into your daily life  

[kieranperez]

@kag101 I never claimed to be enlightened. Read through the entire post. 

[Leo Gura]

8 hours ago, kieranperez said:

The hardest part about these realizations isn’t even my circumstances. It’s fear. Deep. Fear. The fear that I can’t.

Yeah.... fear is a bitch.

The solution to fear is to be fearless.

[Leo Gura]

1 hour ago, kieranperez said:

what advice would you give me for reconciling the transition towards a vision/life purpose of this magnitude while at the same time needing to do more basic personal development? I still need to handle base level surival needs and basic personal development. 

I can't really answer that.

You just gonna have to walk your path and see where it leads. Part of the process is letting go of control or the need to plan it out or have a safety net.

You gotta trust that you'll sort out the obstacles as you encounter them, not beforehand. That's life. Life's gotta be lived. It's a visceral experience. Get more comfortable with improving and letting things unfold organically. Experiment. Trial and error. Adventure.

[kieranperez]

@Leo Gura I guess it just goes back to trusting what my deepest intuitions show me. Be able to take the risks (intelligently) and let the chips fall where they may. 

I appreciate the honesty. 

Edited May 30, 2019 by kieranperez

[Leo Gura]

@kieranperez It's like surfing. Life is like surfing. You can't explain it to someone.