Relationship is getting boring

[Farnaby]

Hi!

I wanted to talk about something that I've been noticing in my relationship with my girlfriend for some time. It seems as if from time to time we go through a phase in which we feel disconnected, bored, without much passion or interest in doing things together. We have been together for almost 4 years now. 

It's something we have talked about and we know that it's normal to not feel as much passion as in the beginning and we also understand that we can't feel happy together 24/7 because emotions are impermanent and changing. But we feel this is not the typical feeling we all get from time to time where you spend a day or a couple of days feeling a bit bored, without much energy, etc. This seems to be happening too often for both of us. 

When I first noticed this, I used to get intrusive thoughts which made me doubt if I still love her, but I don't think this is true because I do love her, it's just the passionate aspect that is not as present as we would like it to be. I have to add that we're not extremely energic and passionate people to begin with, but there definitely seems to be something going on at this level because when we're able to connect with each other or with friends, there's a huge difference compared to this "cyclical boredom". 

Any advice would be really appreciated since I feel kind of stuck and not knowing what to do. Now and then I intuitively get the feeling that I should break through our disconnection and make something that helps us connect (be funny, play around, do something interesting together, etc.), but there's also another part of me that doesn't feel motivated enough to do that. 

Thank you  

[Michael569]

You may find "Road Less Travelled" by Scott Peck an interesting reading. Especially the chapter where he talks about romantic love. 

Basically he goes that our culture sees a relationship as something that has to be exciting, sexy and passionate. And when this is not there anymore, people look for way out, therapies and think their relationship is collapsing. In reality Peck says that relationship is "The will to extend one's self for the purpose of nurturing one's own or another's spiritual growth."  A relationship means you deliberately want to sacrifice some of your comfort, your time and your energy to nurture and grow the other person and they should be doing the same for you. 

He says that the rush of excitement in the beginning where you have sex 3 times a day and can't get enough of another is the evolution deluding you to improve the odds of producing offspring...meaning that in this phase "you are just a horny dog who wants to fuck but he thinks he is madly in love"..the problem is that we see that phase as "the relationship" as the absolute value. Where that is just one tiny portion of it. Peck calls this phase "Cachexis"

And once Cachexis ends that is time where the real work begins. Where you both need to work to keep the relationship going and rememeber that this is a marathon that two of you have decided to run together. Many relationships are selfish, based on expecting the other to provide for us: he/she should give me sex, make me happy, cuddle with me, be my other half, make me less lonely etc..all the usual crap. 

So perhaps you've just both lost the initiative to grow together, to explore and to work on the relationship. I'd really suggest you read the book, it may give you a lot of ideas. Another one to consider is "way of the superior man" as it is possible that you may just be neglecting your masculine role in the relationship and your girl her feminine and you have both become balanced with lack of true masculinity and femininity..a transnational relationship, this is very common with male and female roles being so intertwined this day. Girls being senior executives and guy being the babysitters, nothing wrong with that inherently we just need to make sure we keep the masculine/feminine edge on the right side. 

Finally, it is also possible that your relationship is dead and you have to consider whether you see a future of it. If you can't see a happy scenario anymore, perhaps its time to cut loose. 

 

[ajasatya]

@Farnaby do you (both, you and your gf) dream together? are both of you willing to grow and conquer your own place in this world? are both of you willing to overcome the natural challenges of Life together?

an easy life can easily corrupt any sense of fulfillment, regardless of your social status (single, dating or married).

[Aeris]

9 minutes ago, Michael569 said:

You may find "Road Less Travelled" by Scott Peck an interesting reading. Especially the chapter where he talks about romantic love. 

Basically he goes that our culture sees a relationship as something that has to be exciting, sexy and passionate. And when this is not there anymore, people look for way out, therapies and think their relationship is collapsing. In reality Peck says that relationship is "The will to extend one's self for the purpose of nurturing one's own or another's spiritual growth."  A relationship means you deliberately want to sacrifice some of your comfort, your time and your energy to nurture and grow the other person and they should be doing the same for you. 

He says that the rush of excitement in the beginning where you have sex 3 times a day and can't get enough of another is the evolution deluding you to improve the odds of producing offspring...meaning that in this phase "you are just a horny dog who wants to fuck but he thinks he is madly in love"..the problem is that we see that phase as "the relationship" as the absolute value. Where that is just one tiny portion of it. Peck calls this phase "Cachexis"

And once Cachexis ends that is time where the real work begins. Where you both need to work to keep the relationship going and rememeber that this is a marathon that two of you have decided to run together. Many relationships are selfish, based on expecting the other to provide for us: he/she should give me sex, make me happy, cuddle with me, be my other half, make me less lonely etc..all the usual crap. 

So perhaps you've just both lost the initiative to grow together, to explore and to work on the relationship. I'd really suggest you read the book, it may give you a lot of ideas. Another one to consider is "way of the superior man" as it is possible that you may just be neglecting your masculine role in the relationship and your girl her feminine and you have both become balanced with lack of true masculinity and femininity..a transnational relationship, this is very common with male and female roles being so intertwined this day. Girls being senior executives and guy being the babysitters, nothing wrong with that inherently we just need to make sure we keep the masculine/feminine edge on the right side. 

Finally, it is also possible that your relationship is dead and you have to consider whether you see a future of it. If you can't see a happy scenario anymore, perhaps its time to cut loose. 

 

woaw I find the perfect matchmaking then

[Emerald]

1 hour ago, Farnaby said:

Hi!

I wanted to talk about something that I've been noticing in my relationship with my girlfriend for some time. It seems as if from time to time we go through a phase in which we feel disconnected, bored, without much passion or interest in doing things together. We have been together for almost 4 years now. 

It's something we have talked about and we know that it's normal to not feel as much passion as in the beginning and we also understand that we can't feel happy together 24/7 because emotions are impermanent and changing. But we feel this is not the typical feeling we all get from time to time where you spend a day or a couple of days feeling a bit bored, without much energy, etc. This seems to be happening too often for both of us. 

When I first noticed this, I used to get intrusive thoughts which made me doubt if I still love her, but I don't think this is true because I do love her, it's just the passionate aspect that is not as present as we would like it to be. I have to add that we're not extremely energic and passionate people to begin with, but there definitely seems to be something going on at this level because when we're able to connect with each other or with friends, there's a huge difference compared to this "cyclical boredom". 

Any advice would be really appreciated since I feel kind of stuck and not knowing what to do. Now and then I intuitively get the feeling that I should break through our disconnection and make something that helps us connect (be funny, play around, do something interesting together, etc.), but there's also another part of me that doesn't feel motivated enough to do that. 

Thank you  

A person is an infinite well of potential for exploration. Right now, you're likely interacting in the same patterns that you're used to interacting in. So, in order to awaken the passion, you need to break new ground exploration-wise relative to yourself and your partner. So, the idea is to make a deep connection on the level of soul and grow together. That's what keeps things from getting stale.

Now, the limerance phase is over. So, you're unlikely to feel that crushy and hot feeling in the beginning in the relationship again. But the feelings of love and the ability to explore your partner happen on a different level.

I also recommend tantra, especially for deepening the sexual connection.

 

[Farnaby]

 

19 hours ago, Michael569 said:

You may find "Road Less Travelled" by Scott Peck an interesting reading. Especially the chapter where he talks about romantic love. 

Basically he goes that our culture sees a relationship as something that has to be exciting, sexy and passionate. And when this is not there anymore, people look for way out, therapies and think their relationship is collapsing. In reality Peck says that relationship is "The will to extend one's self for the purpose of nurturing one's own or another's spiritual growth."  A relationship means you deliberately want to sacrifice some of your comfort, your time and your energy to nurture and grow the other person and they should be doing the same for you. 

He says that the rush of excitement in the beginning where you have sex 3 times a day and can't get enough of another is the evolution deluding you to improve the odds of producing offspring...meaning that in this phase "you are just a horny dog who wants to fuck but he thinks he is madly in love"..the problem is that we see that phase as "the relationship" as the absolute value. Where that is just one tiny portion of it. Peck calls this phase "Cachexis"

And once Cachexis ends that is time where the real work begins. Where you both need to work to keep the relationship going and rememeber that this is a marathon that two of you have decided to run together. Many relationships are selfish, based on expecting the other to provide for us: he/she should give me sex, make me happy, cuddle with me, be my other half, make me less lonely etc..all the usual crap. 

So perhaps you've just both lost the initiative to grow together, to explore and to work on the relationship. I'd really suggest you read the book, it may give you a lot of ideas. Another one to consider is "way of the superior man" as it is possible that you may just be neglecting your masculine role in the relationship and your girl her feminine and you have both become balanced with lack of true masculinity and femininity..a transnational relationship, this is very common with male and female roles being so intertwined this day. Girls being senior executives and guy being the babysitters, nothing wrong with that inherently we just need to make sure we keep the masculine/feminine edge on the right side. 

Finally, it is also possible that your relationship is dead and you have to consider whether you see a future of it. If you can't see a happy scenario anymore, perhaps its time to cut loose. 

 

@Michael569 Thank you! I will read Peck's book. I recently read the way of the superior man and it resonated a lot with me and the relationship with my girlfriend. 

I seem to feel two conflicting parts inside of me (especially when I feel disconnected from my girlfriend): one part wants to reconnect and another part feels/thinks if it takes effort it isn't authentic and there's no point in doing it. So I frequently end up feeling stuck between these two "impulses". 

I have to add that this isn't something new, it happens in all of my relationships, especially with my parents. It feels as if there's something holding me back from giving and opening up to love. 

19 hours ago, ajasatya said:

@Farnaby do you (both, you and your gf) dream together? are both of you willing to grow and conquer your own place in this world? are both of you willing to overcome the natural challenges of Life together?

an easy life can easily corrupt any sense of fulfillment, regardless of your social status (single, dating or married).

@ajasatya A part of me is willing to grow together and overcome those challenges together, but when I feel disconnected from her there's another part of me that seems to be very strong that considers that love should flow spontaneously and should not require an effort. 

As I said above, it's as if there's a part of me that wants to give and receive love and another part that only wants to do that if I really feel it in the moment. 

Thank you!

19 hours ago, Emerald said:

A person is an infinite well of potential for exploration. Right now, you're likely interacting in the same patterns that you're used to interacting in. So, in order to awaken the passion, you need to break new ground exploration-wise relative to yourself and your partner. So, the idea is to make a deep connection on the level of soul and grow together. That's what keeps things from getting stale.

Now, the limerance phase is over. So, you're unlikely to feel that crushy and hot feeling in the beginning in the relationship again. But the feelings of love and the ability to explore your partner happen on a different level.

I also recommend tantra, especially for deepening the sexual connection.

 

@Emerald Thank you! I will definitely try tantra, since mindfulness and not rushing things during sex do connect us very deeply. The problem is we (and probably it's more me than her) fall back into disconnection very easily. 

I understand that we're unlikely to feel that crushy hot feeling again, but if I need to make an effort to give love it doesn't feel right since it feels forced and not authentic. But maybe that's just a hurt part of my ego clinging to that story, I don't know. 
 

[Michael569]

23 minutes ago, Farnaby said:

. It feels as if there's something holding me back from giving and opening up to love. 

Yeah, I have a bit of that in my life as well. I think this sometimes comes from our early childhood and the way we were brought. If your parents were holding back and not able to express true love, nor will you. I found trying to "open up" completely during meditation has helped me become more loving and compassionate over time with people even those who burden my life. 

[ajasatya]

@Farnaby this is an insight i had: if you can't fully embrace something bigger than you together, then the relationship is already doomed.

maybe you're too young to think about having kids and building a family. or maybe you're just not experienced enough. a longevous intimate relationship requires a DEEP link.

[Farnaby]

29 minutes ago, Michael569 said:

Yeah, I have a bit of that in my life as well. I think this sometimes comes from our early childhood and the way we were brought. If your parents were holding back and not able to express true love, nor will you. I found trying to "open up" completely during meditation has helped me become more loving and compassionate over time with people even those who burden my life. 

@Michael569 Yes, I think there may be something related to my parents holding back (especially my father). The weird thing is I don't think my mother held back that much and for some reason I can't express as much love to her as I feel she needs. 

I will keep working on that when I meditate, thank you

22 minutes ago, ajasatya said:

@Farnaby this is an insight i had: if you can't fully embrace something bigger than you together, then the relationship is already doomed.

maybe you're too young to think about having kids and building a family. or maybe you're just not experienced enough. a longevous intimate relationship requires a DEEP link.

@ajasatya Yeah, I think there is some truth in your statement about a longevous intimate relationship requiring a deep link. Sometimes I feel that deep link, sometimes I don't, I'm a bit bipolar in that sense lol. Maybe I'm just scared to fully open up. 

At this point in my life, I don't want any children because I feel it would require a lot of commitment and responsibility that I don't want to have right now 

 

[ajasatya]

@Farnaby "children" was just an example. some couples join forces to reforest the world. some couples join forces to teach yoga around the world. some couples join forces to fight against world hunger. this is what i meant by "bigger than you".

[Farnaby]

6 minutes ago, ajasatya said:

@Farnaby "children" was just an example. some couples join forces to reforest the world. some couples join forces to teach yoga around the world. some couples join forces to fight against world hunger. this is what i meant by "bigger than you".

@ajasatya Oh OK, I see  We'll have to think about that

[Devi Shanti]

May I ask how old are you two?

[Farnaby]

3 hours ago, Devi Shanti said:

May I ask how old are you two?

@Devi Shanti 26 and 28 

[Devi Shanti]

I dont know you and your girlfriend but from things you said here. But in general, specially woman on that age starts to have some natural "concerns" about life in a long term, for example getting married and having children etc. Differently of you boys who have the whole life to do whatever you want and choose only have kids when you are like 50 yo or something like this, women have to decide this much earlier. 

You said you dont want any children at this point of your life, but do you know how she feels about it? If I were in her shoes, at 26 yo, in a relationship for 4 years, I would expect a step further in this relationship, or things would really start getting weird stuck on being boyfriend and girlfriend forever with no perspectives to the future.

This is my point of view. One more opinion for you to think about. 

Good luck!

Edited May 23, 2019 by Devi Shanti

[flowboy]

The idea that relationships are supposed to get boring, is bullshit.

Read The Way of the Superior Man - David Deida

This book is my go-to for how to keep relationships sparkling, fresh and exciting. All will be explained. It's confronting though!

 

 

Edited May 23, 2019 by flowboy

[Farnaby]

14 hours ago, Devi Shanti said:

I dont know you and your girlfriend but from things you said here. But in general, specially woman on that age starts to have some natural "concerns" about life in a long term, for example getting married and having children etc. Differently of you boys who have the whole life to do whatever you want and choose only have kids when you are like 50 yo or something like this, women have to decide this much earlier. 

You said you dont want any children at this point of your life, but do you know how she feels about it? If I were in her shoes, at 26 yo, in a relationship for 4 years, I would expect a step further in this relationship, or things would really start getting weird stuck on being boyfriend and girlfriend forever with no perspectives to the future.

This is my point of view. One more opinion for you to think about. 

Good luck!

@Devi Shanti I'm actually the younger one  We have talked about that and although she wants to have children some time, she doesn't want to right now. 

 

10 hours ago, flowboy said:

The idea that relationships are supposed to get boring, is bullshit.

Read The Way of the Superior Man - David Deida

This book is my go-to for how to keep relationships sparkling, fresh and exciting. All will be explained. It's confronting though!

 

 

@flowboy Thank you! Yes, I agree that statement seems more like a projection of what a lot of relationships end up looking like, although I think it's true that in the beginning of a relationship there's not as much need to "work hard" to keep it fresh and exciting. 

I read that book a week ago and really liked it, it does make a lot of sense and when I don't act reactively problems usually don't escalate and we don't feel as disconnected as when I do behave reactively. 

The only problem I see is that from this book it seems as if we men are responsible for not letting things escalate and that feels like a lack of balance in the responsibility we both have in the relationship.

For example, imagine a situation where you can feel your girlfriends resentment and rejection because of an argument. Sometimes, as much as you try to remain centered and break through the disconnection, it just doesn't work. In those kind of situations my body and feelings tell me it's best to give her some space and use that space for myself as well. Isn't she also responsible for this kind of "game" and "negative dynamic"? Or maybe I didn't get it right? 

[flowboy]

Responsibility is a masculine thing. That's why it seems unbalanced to you. So unless you want to play the feminine part, or have a relationship that feels like two buddies bored on the couch, because you're both in your masculine, you have to take the responsibility.

And start appreciating her feminine gifts, the color she brings to your life, the fun things she thinks for you to do, the way she dresses sexy, the way she decorates, how deeply she enjoys life, and also the challenges of her dramas. Your job is not to "not let things escalate", which is a 2nd stage thing, but to enjoy her drama, her elated moods, her everything, her constant change, and carry her through that. So that means be present and not get triggered. Also don't judge her outbursts but enjoy them, and in the end love her through it and make her laugh. Press your belly against hers, make eye contact, dance with her, tickle her, anything that says: "Hey, I'm here and I love you and your bad moods too, and I will always be here."

Give it a second read. I also had to read it multiple times to really understand. I'm on my fourth time now.

[flowboy]

16 minutes ago, Farnaby said:

In those kind of situations my body and feelings tell me it's best to give her some space and use that space for myself as well.

Deida says that your body and feelings are telling you things like your girlfriend is telling you things. It's enjoyable to listen to, but what is said in the moment can be different the next. You acting from your unchanging consciousness means hearing what your body and mind is telling you, but not taking it super seriously.

And, fix yourself first. If things your girlfriend says are able to trigger you, offend you or push you off balance in a different way, so that you have to leave the room, then you have work to do on yourself.

• For yourself, because words don't ever have to hurt unless you have an insecurity
• For her, because if she can push you out of balance by saying things in anger, she can not fully trust your masculine and relax into it.
  Just imagine a strong father figure in your life, and think about how nice it is that nothing ugly you can say to him will make them stomp out of the room crying. He would just laugh and hug you, maybe. THAT's what makes you trust his guidance and feel safe expressing yourself.
  That's how you want to be to her.

[Farnaby]

2 hours ago, flowboy said:

Deida says that your body and feelings are telling you things like your girlfriend is telling you things. It's enjoyable to listen to, but what is said in the moment can be different the next. You acting from your unchanging consciousness means hearing what your body and mind is telling you, but not taking it super seriously.

And, fix yourself first. If things your girlfriend says are able to trigger you, offend you or push you off balance in a different way, so that you have to leave the room, then you have work to do on yourself.

• For yourself, because words don't ever have to hurt unless you have an insecurity
• For her, because if she can push you out of balance by saying things in anger, she can not fully trust your masculine and relax into it.
  Just imagine a strong father figure in your life, and think about how nice it is that nothing ugly you can say to him will make them stomp out of the room crying. He would just laugh and hug you, maybe. THAT's what makes you trust his guidance and feel safe expressing yourself.
  That's how you want to be to her.

@flowboy Yes, you're probably right about the insecurities being the cause of feeling triggered, offended, etc. I've been working on that for a long time and feel like I've improved a lot, although there are certainly insecurities that aren't resolved yet. I mean, is there anyone that doesn't have any insecurities at all? 

I agree that when I let her push me out of balance and react trying to justify myself it usually never solves the problem. But sometimes, giving her some space and doing something that feels good for me (like spending time with friends), instead of staying in an emotionally hostile environment seems to be useful so we can later reconnect. 

Also, Deida seems to be right (at least to some extent) on the fact that the feminine needs a strong figure it can trust. But wouldn't what you suggest lead to a kind of father-daughter relationship. Shouldn't she also take responsibility for her contribution to negative and repetitive dynamics that play out in the relationship, instead of always expecting a father like figure? Couldn't that be reinforcing childish behavior and leading to her avoiding to take responsibility for her part? 

Edited May 24, 2019 by Farnaby

[flowboy]

43 minutes ago, Farnaby said:

Shouldn't she also take responsibility for her contribution to negative and repetitive dynamics that play out in the relationship, instead of always expecting a father like figure? Couldn't that be reinforcing childish behavior and leading to her avoiding to take responsibility for her part? 

I already answered that. Responsibility is a masculine thing. If you put it on her, you force her to be in her masculine and you lose polarity, the spark.

You're trying to blame your girlfriend for making you upset. Men don't do that. That's what little boys do. And she will come to resent you for that eventually.

Listen to the audiobook.

There are great workshops and courses to learn to work with these principles in practice, if you're interested.

Edited May 24, 2019 by flowboy