A Journal

[GGG]

Also, I should minimize my "screen time". I think that it is contributing to this feeling of unrest.

[GGG]

Had a hard time falling asleep last night - too many unnecessary thoughts.  Ended up oversleeping for 2 hours which caused some disturbance in daily schedule. I feel guilty.

Next month I should have some money to go to therapy, but now I am changing my mind, feeling like I can solve my problems on my own. And I can use the money for something else.

[GGG]

Sleep disturbances again. Went to sleep way too late on Thurs - Sat. Hit the snooze too many times this morning. I have to admit to myself that I have a headache right now. Usually, I would ignore it but I can't be qualitatively productive if this is the state that I am in. I want to take a day off today but it is likely to make me feel like a lazy piece of sh*t. I am already behind on my set goals for the month.

I see, with such clarity right now, that the little things are what make up the foundation - eating quality meals, having a good sleep routine, some basic physical exercises, etc. I get easily sidetracked away from maintaining these things by the seemingly more important things. But if I feel like sh*t because I got only 4 hours of sleep last night, ate one meal yesterday, and haven't done a push up in like 5 months, everything else suffers.

Also, there is not enough time in the day for me to get everything I want to handle handled. I have to prioritize which means that I have to choose what is not important, what is going to be sacrificed. And even then, it's not like I am constantly productive.

[GGG]

This week was a throw away. I regressed with my sleep schedule and went back to the old ways of going to sleep very late. Furthermore, I avoided doing some important work which was supposed to bring me closer to my goals. I chose to allow my lower self to take control of the situation, gratifying my immediate desires instead of focusing on doing the work that will yield fruits later. This is a pattern I am currently fighting against.

I just set up a small trial/experiment for a personal project I've been working on on and off. If there are no random issues, like there have been in the past, I will get some useful info at the end of next week. I think it is best to give it up and move on, but I just want to see if it works. And I am likely to keep working on it anyway, though it does not seem to be bringing much value to anyone at the moment.

[GGG]

I've been keeping up doing certain tasks consistently for over 30 days, basic things such as meditation. This is a small milestone for me.  I ordered "The Power of Habit" from Amazon. I hope that it will have helpful and useful info to improve my current situation.

The experiment for my personal project was not a flop, but it did not yield the result/info that I was looking for. I plan to try something else relating to this same project. Hopefully, this attempt will provide the result that I am seeking. I will try to set it up later today. 

I am still having thoughts about going to a therapist for help. Although, at the same time, I come up with reasons for why it will be a waste of money and time. I am stuck in indecision regarding this. Currently this matter seems to have been put on hold however, as I have other priorities to focus on. There is a lot that needs to be done, and time is not slowing down...

[GGG]

I had a sobering moment regarding the amount of work and effort I need to put in to reach some of my set goals and how behind I am on time without any assurance that I will actually reach them. Comparing myself to others is what triggered this, and while there is plenty of info advising against such a comparison, I can't ignore certain facts about my lack of success and how others have achieved certain things that I feel I could've achieved as well, if I did what they did.

I realize that I harbor some negative emotional energy that I project to the outside world in various ways. It mostly stems from the desire to have more success in one form or another. I feel sad about not getting what I want. I find that I've matured enough to accept such unfulfilled desires, but I think that it kills my drive and ambition. I want to get rid of this ability to accept reality. I wish I never developed it. Ambition and drive is what leads to achievement, serious ambition and drive. I don't feel it right now. I am having trouble motivating myself. 

When we are young without much life experience we have more ambition because we have not experienced failure in any form. There is more hope. As life continues to unravel one might learn that the perceived reality was not congruent with actual reality. This is where chaos occurs (saw this explanation in a Jordan Peterson video a while back). I want to avoid this. I want to know exactly who I am and where I am. I do not want to chase goals which are not achievable and psych myself out about achieving them, just to be met with more failure and discouragement. This blind Go-Getter attitude is preached in a lot of the self improvement content. They tell you to take the foot off of the break pedal and let go of all doubt. But what if later I realize that I could've chosen a different path, a better one, and feel regret over lost time?

For the past several days I've been re-evaluating everything. I've lost grip on my sleep routine again since about two weeks ago. I need to get back to the routine.

[GGG]

I think I had an ego back lash or something. I've stopped most of my routines and fell into a depression again. My place is getting disorganized again and I am not following through with some set objectives. I think this is mostly due to a minor financial set back I just experienced which caused some stress. I am sick of having to deal with small time bullsh*t that takes away from my focus on more important things. It seems like there is always something that comes up to sidetrack me when I am trying to catch some momentum.

I keep feeling like there is some kind of an emotional hump or block that I cannot get past. I just do not know what this feeling is...some kind of frustration...

Edited January 13, 2020 by GGG

[GGG]

I have two days off - Sat and Sun. I want to use these days to get back to some of my routines again and do some chores at my place.

I am having a lot of doubts about my life right now. I keep thinking about what I should do, what is the right thing to do, and I feel pressed on time. I do not have any one to consult with regarding these problems and I am having a hard time trusting people's advice. These doubts are intense, they are like an artistic resistance or something. 

I just cannot explain what I am going through. It's like my subconscious mind is pulling me in some direction I do not understand or it is keeping me in my current situation resisting any kind of change. Maybe it is some kind of fear that I have not defined or fully understood. If I knew what the fear was I would just face it. Perhaps, it is not fear but my resistance to accept my situation fully, to surrender to what is. But if I knew what I was resisting I would be able to decide if I should surrender to it. 

I think I might be stuck in indecision about certain aspects of my life. I think this might be the pressure that I am feeling - the pressure to make a decision and stick with it. This is the doubt. I am afraid of making a wrong decision. This is the fear. I am trying to extend time and resist making a decision right now. The problem is that time does not wait. I need to decide right now.

Oh wait, I need some money to follow through if I do decide on something. And I think that this is what my subconscious is trying to prevent me from - making the extra cash I need in order to do certain things. It wants to keep me surviving in my current state, because I am surviving. I am not moving in any new direction though. What's more is my current problems that are still waiting to be resolved and I've been putting them off for a while now. My current problems, the real problems in my life, are what I've been avoiding.

I think I have too much on my plate right now, too much stress because of all the shit I need to do and all the sh*t want to do. I think that I am also lonely. But I do not want to try to resolve my loneliness with some random people like a therapist or a support group or some other way that the self help world preaches - I tried all of that already. Leo's loneliness video also seems like bullshit right now. I feel stuck right now. It's a sh*tty feeling.

 

 

[GGG]

https://www.pickthebrain.com/blog/how-to-stay-on-track-for-your-goals/

[GGG]

I completed the 90 day challenge. There seems to be one day missing when adding up the duration from start date to end date, but I do not remember skipping any days. I think it is okay though.

I did not think that I would stick to it for that long but every morning I did the mental exercises. It feels like an accomplishment. However, that missing day that I do not recall is a bit annoying to think about.