my cheap-minded personality and struggle with finance . HELP

[lostmedstudent]

from as young as i remember, i drew a big line between myself / my family and the OTHERS when it comes to money. i used to steal my grandparents' money and buy things to share with my friends, while being careful/cherish my parents' money because i considered it MINE. its really fucked up i know, but i can't even tell you why i was behaving that way. i also did not like lending money to people, even if someone borrowed 50 cents from me, i would make sure i get it back. i was selfish in other areas too, just wanting the best for myself and such, but money is the really the one that stands out. 

I am not as cheap or fucked up as to  steal other people's money these days, but i still am really cheap. For example, if people owed me money , even if it's just, i would remember it and try to remind them multiple times to get it back. if we are a big group and all pitching in to buy things for a big trip or when i go on a trip with a big group, where the spending isn't EXACTLY equally divided and it would really bother me to know that i spent more money than some other people in the group. I don't really want to spend less than others but i just really WANT to make SURE things are equally divided.. 

so what is the problem? the problem is that i know i am cheap and selfish, and it's causing me a lot of distress. Distress on one hand and i am constantly focusing on making sure financial wise its ALL EQUAL between my friends and I when we go out, distress when it comes to finances with my boyfriend, and on the other hand, the conflictual distress because I DONT WANT to feel distressed and be bothered by these issues with money. i don't understand why i place so much importance on money and making sure its allllll equal. it's like a mind game that i am playing with MYSELF. 

here is an example of what has been happening  in my relationship due to my cheap and selfish mindset: i am a full time student with no income and my boyfriend has a full time job and a very good salary. so in my head i am EXPECTING him to pay more than i do in a relationship, and when i say expect, i am KEEPING TRACK in my head... its almost creepy. so i feel good when that does happen, and whenever i feel like we are being "too equal", then i start to feel jealous, or anxious, or distressed ( i cannot even name the kind of emotions i am feeling). i start to feel like its unfair because he makes way more money than me. then i FEEL FUCKED UP AND BAD for feeling that way. and I don't talk to my boyfriend about it because i am ashamed of feeling that way. i am ashamed of that cheap personality. it goes beyond that too, i even "keep track" that he spends more time with me at my parents' place where we cook feasts for him every week , and so deep down i have some expectations for some financial returns in some way to equal things out... for example i would think, ok then he should pay more when we go out for movies, or when we go out for supper, or this and that. it goes in a subconscious way but i am noticing the links through meditation that this is what my mind is doing...

i dont know where to start. it has repetitively made me feel bad and him feeling confused , and i was never able to fully disclose the reason of my discontentment, i think i do mention it , but it seems sugar coated and disguised in different ways every time. honestly i dont know how to talk about this with my boyfriend. i dont even know what i am feeling. its a manifestation of extreme selfishness, and i dont know how to work on it. i think it's starting to really hurt my relationship in a way that i am being dishonest about certain feelings. i dont know how to accept it or what to do..

thanks for giving me some advice!

cheers

[CreamCat]

• You want to convince yourself that you are an angel while you are not. Awareness of your selfishness prevents you from perceiving yourself as an angel, and you don't like it. A devil wants to perceive itself as an angel.
• You need a higher source of motivation. Be someone who wants to help others rather than help only yourself. Upgrade your motivation.
• Work towards meeting your needs through your efforts. When you meet your needs through your efforts, you will become less selfish.
• Don't beat yourself up for being selfish. It helps perpetuate your selfishness. A devil loves to beat itself for being a devil. Work towards finding ways to help others and creating value for others.
• When your boyfriend pays for a meal, be grateful for his service instead of beating yourself up for being selfish or calculating your social ledger.
  • I can see that the devil in you calculates social ledger very differently from others. When your social ledger has a lot of debt, you are running your brain at full speed to convince yourself that your ledger has little or no debt. You do that because you want to perceive yourself as an angel who other people are in debt to. Just accept that you have debt, and work towards helping others. Pay it forward.
• It seems that you are already formulating an emergency exit plan for your current relationship and that you consider him as a strategic frenemy rather than actually try to form a genuine relationship with him.
  • I can understand that. It's exhuasting to keep a frenemy nearby.
  • Forming a genuine relationship requires letting go of micro-managing social ledger and of certain micro-level controls.

Edited May 20, 2019 by CreamCat

[universe]

You need to chill more. Chill more with all the calculating and especially with how harsh you are on yourself. For doing something that is pretty normal to do. Most people do so, to some extend. Its helpfull if you dont want to get fucked over by someone.

CreamCat already gave some good advice. Here are my suggestions.

See how much you value your relationship(s). And I dont mean "Ah you mean everything to me" kind of stuff. You really need to reconsider materialistic and interpersonal worth. How much is this relationship worth to me? And is it a good decision to risk it for x-amount of money.

I think people around you might also feel that you are not generous with your money. Which in turn makes them less generous. Maybe try to be more generous and other people will be, too? And if not, what does it say about them?

Then you might also want to look at your relationship with money itself. What does it mean to have money? Is getting money hard or easy? Is there enough or too little?

Maybe its just that you are living above your means (because your boyfriend earns more). You could tell him that its stressfull for you and you could try to live more frugal. Or find some other solutions. Either way, I think it would be good to talk with him about it

[lostmedstudent]

13 hours ago, CreamCat said:

You want to convince yourself that you are an angel while you are not. Awareness of your selfishness prevents you from perceiving yourself as an angel, and you don't like it. A devil wants to perceive itself as an angel.

Yes, i have noticed that inner conflict as well. it manifests itself outwardly too, as i "make" myself unhappy or look sad sometimes for getting what i wanted because i didn't want to come off as someone who enjoys getting financial advantages even though i am that someone.. i realized i was doing this all along yesterday and it really made me utterly lost and confused: like WHY in the world do i fake to fake to fake.. you know what i mean? there are just so many layers of fakeness that im totally mindfucked by myself, so i dont know where to start to break this FAKENESS! 

13 hours ago, CreamCat said:

When you meet your needs through your efforts, you will become less selfish.

thats what ive been telling myself. right now im living off COMPLETELY off my parents' money, student loan, so i keep telling myself that once i start making my own money, ill be less selfish.. but thats just another excuse. i am sure it is possible to be less selfish and more chill with money even wwith my situation right here right now. even though i am living off someone else's money. 

 

13 hours ago, CreamCat said:

Just accept that you have debt, and work towards helping others. Pay it forward.

is it possible to elaborate this one? i got a bit lost in the allegory . i KNOW i should help others, i should care less about myself and create values for the greater community, but i havent found a practical way to do so. in the day to day life, what can i do? be more open and accepting of my cheapness? or "force" myself to do goods i.e. paying in situations where i dont want to, and catch the self that doesnt want to pay/contribute, and be aware and try to figure out why dont i want to pay?

13 hours ago, CreamCat said:

It seems that you are already formulating an emergency exit plan for your current relationship and that you consider him as a strategic frenemy rather than actually try to form a genuine relationship with him.

i dont think i see my boyfriend as a frenemy... i think my relationship with him is quite good and open... but i did not fully open up to him about this matter, like i said its difficult to expose the evil side of me, i dont know how to do it  

 

thank you so much for your help

[DrewNows]

Haven’t read all the posts here but would suggest exploring how to create a mentality of abundance. I would be happy to recommend some content for that 

[lostmedstudent]

@lostmedstudent @universe

nothing is worth fussing over for the amount of money that is in question in my situation. its NEVER a big amounts of money. infact i tend to not get involved and let go pretty easily when it comes to big money involved in family heritage and stuff.. i can not give a flyiing coconut about those but when its little amounts every day life stuff, i get caught up. 

its really hard to answer the question how much the relationship is worth .. i seem to measure the value of my relationship and my boyfriend based off how much benefits (financial or emotional or physical) it has brought to ME. i dont think i love anyone unconditionally. he is a really great person but i dont love him unconditionally and i am trying to "step pass" that. i am trying to drop my expectations and experience true love, but there are money obstacles -______- 

11 hours ago, universe said:

I think people around you might also feel that you are not generous with your money. Which in turn makes them less generous. Maybe try to be more generous and other people will be, too?

that must be true. although i think i can act generous. i always make sure things are equal and that i contribute equally.. but it has to come from a genuine place, i think forcing myself to be generous when i dont solve the selfishness issue is just gonna make me suffer more...

 

11 hours ago, universe said:

Maybe its just that you are living above your means (because your boyfriend earns more). You could tell him that its stressfull for you and you could try to live more frugal. Or find some other solutions. Either way, I think it would be good to talk with him about it

i am living above my means for sure. i am spoiled by my parents, i live in their house and they pay everything for me because i am still in school. so its not my boyfriend who is changing my living standards, we dont have a lot of expenses between the 2 of us, just going out to suppers, trips, and stuff like that. so as you can see, we are talking about very little amounts of money here,,, nothing aboout life and death. i cannot imagine how bad it will be once we both  have jobs and get married and have to figure those stuff out..

 

thank you so much for your answer

[lostmedstudent]

@DrewNows yes i would love to read about that , please share

[lostmedstudent]

@CreamCat

[DrewNows]

THere should be an audio book on youtube called "rich dad poor dad" this is great for gaining some perspective on how different people perceive money, wealth, and success. Teal Swan offers some good psychological advice in "money is the root of all evil" and a few other videos like "why you havent won the lottery" 

But mainly you will have to reflect on your beliefs and start shifting your focus habitually, this raises your vibration. It is a practice ive been doing for a year and it is very freeing to not constantly be with the money concern and able to look in more practical ways without an emotional attachment. Ive even noticed money flowing my way unexpectedly, easier, and it is quite nice   

edit: This has just been my experience as someone who suffered from an unhealthy relationship with money, always related to fear and lack of abundance in the various relationships in life 

Edited May 20, 2019 by DrewNows

[LaraGreenbridge]

Hi,

please don't be so critical of yourself. There is nothing wrong with watching your money. I actually really enjoyed reading your post, because reading about how someone else feels about money is not something you get to do too often- because most people don't like talking about money!

Think about where your attitudes towards money come from.... most people learn their spending habits form one or both of their parents. But that doesn't mean they can't change their habits. The first step is just to be aware of what you are doing and why you are doing it. 

For whatever reason, you feel you need to count every single cent. If you lost count, then you would feel anxious. The problem is, you are feeling anxious anyway, even though you have tight control on your money. Maybe take a look at your anxiety and how that operates in your life? What other things make you anxious? 

It actually sounds like you have more than enough in your life (wealthy boyfriend, big feasts at your parents house), even though you earn little. So thank the universe for supporting you! You have a good life. 

Maybe borrow a few book from the library about budgeting and managing money- once you educate yourself and have a plan in lace, you might feel less anxious. Then perhaps start having open and honest conversations about money with your parents and you friends and boyfriend. This takes practice, as it's something a lot of people are raised not to do. Once you start communicating, you will probably feel a lot better.

 

 

[CreamCat]

5 hours ago, lostmedstudent said:

im living off COMPLETELY off my parents' money

You don't have only financial needs but also many other non-financial needs you may depend on others to fulfill.

5 hours ago, lostmedstudent said:

i havent found a practical way to do so. in the day to day life, what can i do?

Find specific concrete ways to help others. Start small. As time goes, upgrade yourself and upgrade the ways in which you help others.

As you evolve, you will be able to tackle bigger problems. The ability to solve bigger problems unlocks bigger opportunities to help others.

5 hours ago, lostmedstudent said:

i dont think i see my boyfriend as a frenemy

In my mind, anyone whom you micro-manage micro social transactions with is a frenemy.

As soon as he stops helping you, you can easily start hating him.

It's easy to convince yourself otherwise when shits are going well. When shit hits the fan, all noble ideals go out the window.

Edited May 20, 2019 by CreamCat

[7thLetter]

@lostmedstudent

If you haven't seen this episode already. One of my favorites by Leo. And if you've already seen it, watch it again, and again. And actually take action on what he's talking about in this video.

 

[lostmedstudent]

@7thLetter i will !

thanks a lot

 

[Good-boy]

@lostmedstudent what a cheap ass. Good boy needs to open his heart Chakra and wallet. ???

[lostmedstudent]

@Good-boy thanks ???

[lostmedstudent]

9 hours ago, DrewNows said:

But mainly you will have to reflect on your beliefs and start shifting your focus habitually

@DrewNows could you give more details on what you mean by this ? 

As in focus less on money? Think about what money means to me?

[lostmedstudent]

5 hours ago, LaraGreenbridge said:

how someone else feels about money is not something you get to do too often- because most people don't like talking about money!

@LaraGreenbridge yes that is totally right! No one talks about it. It feels awkward and shameful to say your views on money. I should have a discussion and open up to my boyfriend about my views. 

Yeah i can sort of tell from which parent I got this relationship with money from.. I do want to change this habit because money breaks families and I can see how the bad seeds are starting to grow already in me and my relationship .

5 hours ago, LaraGreenbridge said:

What other things make you anxious? 

That is a good question. I’ve looked at it before and I realized many others things trigger the same anxious distressed feelings I have the same way money does - and all of those things are what I believe I (and only I) deserve. If ever I don’t get those things, or that someone else also wants /got those things, I would feel it’s unfair or jealous, even though it is perfectly fair..

 

thank you for reading. Do you have any books that you recommend in terms of dealing with money?

 

take care

[lostmedstudent]

5 hours ago, CreamCat said:

As soon as he stops helping you, you can easily start hating him.

Yes you are correct then in that sense...

i don’t love my boyfriend unconditionally.. I am in the process of learning what it means to love and how to love beyond just the « for my own benefit ». 

How do I stop micro managing people a?☹️

[DrewNows]

@lostmedstudent First off make peace with your own perspective on your financial situation and the fear that comes with it. Try to see how well you can understand it. Then ask these sorts of questions: 

How do you make your choices in your spending? Do you habitually look at quality or price? Is your thoughts pointing toward lack or abundance? 

How are you not living a life of abundance? Might sound silly but ask yourself how it would feel like to be completely financially independent. How would you treat others differently without any fear or feeling of lack? You could also imagine how you would treat someone who currently has more than you if you actually saw their wealth as being part of your own. Then ask how it would be possible to get there. And again find the mentality of someone pursuing exactly that...

 

[CreamCat]

1 hour ago, lostmedstudent said:

i don’t love my boyfriend unconditionally.. I am in the process of learning what it means to love and how to love beyond just the « for my own benefit ». 

You most likely don't want unconditional love. Only god is capable of unconditional love. But, you need to learn to love more and better.

As Leo Gura said, when in doubt, just love more.

Edited May 21, 2019 by CreamCat