FOMO (Fear of Missing Out) on Sex

[emind]

So I've really been delving deep into the unconscious thoughts and fears that guide my behavior (mostly through long meditation sessions) and I've come to some interesting conclusions, but I don't know how to go on from here. So, after being in a rather long relationship (several years), and going through a bad break up, I went through some time without getting laid. After, having gone around a year without sex, I decided to have casual sex with someone whom I didn't feel connected to in any way. I thought it was going to be this great amazing thing, and sure it was pleasant, physically speaking, but after the sex itself, everything was so empty, insipid, lacking in passion. 

I then asked myself, "why the hell did I sleep with this girl" if I didn't feel anything for her? Sure, it might sound cool to be a player and everything, and sex is good in the moment, but I felt like I was chasing some kind of connection I wasn't able to  get. After meditating on it a few weeks, I realized that I have this inner fear of NOT having sex, and more specifically, an inner fear that my ex is having sex and I am not. To be quite honest, the thoughts of her sleeping with some other guy still haunt me in my sleep, and this fear, this (for lack of a better word) injustice, that is taking place by her sleeping with a bunch of guys, and me not getting laid, is what propels me towards having meaningless sex; something which I ultimately, don't want and doesn't satisfy me. I might be guessing here, but it is, in a way, some sort of vengeance or revenge that I want to take. It is rather disappointing that I feel this way, given that the relationship ended almost two years ago. I've really tried meditating through the pain, I've had cathartic sessions in which I have relived painful memories and processed them, but time and time again, it keeps guiding me. 

Edited May 19, 2019 by emind

[Peo]

Maybe you should seek professional help. A good psychology might help you.

You could also try shamanic breathing. I hear it is pretty good and can heal a lot of your inner deamons.

Edited May 19, 2019 by Peo

[ajasatya]

@emind if you fear the possibility that your ex is having sex and you are not, i suggest that you try to accept it as a fact: your ex is having sex and you are not. not because it's true, but because you have to learn how to accept it. she's a completely different human being and owes you nothing.

now that you're single, it's the best moment to take your time to turn inwards. face your struggles, aim for growth and become a virtuous person. go beyond the mind of a chimp (which is constantly thinking about fornication, food and/or noise).

Edited May 19, 2019 by ajasatya

[emind]

@ajasatya you're right. I need to go deeper inside, but how could I go about this in practical terms?

[Psychonaut]

This set of emotions you describe is what most people go through after a breakup including me.

• She is having sex, 100%
  • Is this a problem? Sit with the jealousy and feel it fully.
• Casual sex can indeed be engaged in so it serves as validation for being lovable/desirable
  • Is this bad? Connection to a person takes some time to develop. Why not continue having sex with the girl?
• I love pain
  • For me pain in relationships has been a huge motivator for creativity. I usually write poems when I am really down. You might try just writing down what you are feeling so as to acknowledge it.

 

[Leo Gura]

@emind What you're missing is love. 

Contemplate this: Why shouldn't you be happy that your ex is having sex? She is experiencing love and joy. Your spiritual growth is to realize that by loving her for getting love, you actualize your own love. And thereby everyone loves everyone else.

Don't underestimate the power of this. Your job in this life is to love everything until it hurts. Practice generatimg love on her behalf.

If you cannot feel love for those who are happy, that's a sign of how much growing up you've got to do.

Love her and love yourself. Then from this loving place find a new girlfriend. Remember: You can love people without having sex with them or even seeing them.

The key to love is that it is an unlimited resource. You don't need to hoard it or trade it or hold it back in reserve because your truest nature is Infinite Love!

Think abundance, not scarcity.

Fear is just a lack of love.

Ta-da!

[tedens]

@emind Keep meditate until You'll get closer to the truth /love/. It will cause that Yours understanding of emotions and feelings will reduce the level of your suffering. 

Thats how it works.

Edited May 20, 2019 by tedens

[emind]

@Leo Gura I had never thought of it that way. I guess I just need to keep diving deeper in contemplation. I'll also try to add a meta meditation practice to focus more consciously on love.

[ajasatya]

@emind look for a zen sangha nearby and practice with them at least once every week. zazen should bring a lot of s#!7 to the surface.

[Shin]

Try to imagine yourself be in the opposite side.

Imagine that it is you that is having lots of meaningful sex, and your ex is not.
She is sad about it and think the same way you do.

What happens ?