Tips for integrating a not so pleasant LSD experience ? [Trip report + questions]

[Lynnel]

The trip itself

I took 225 ug. of LSD (approx.) in the safety of my home.

The issue was I made a very rookie mistake which is tripping while my mother was home, and hesitating before hand because it wasn't in the best set of conditions.

Yeah I'm ashamed of making such a rookie mistake and feel tons of regret about it. That's a interesting lesson in itself I will need to dig.

Despite my previous very first amazing trip I had shittons of anxiety after it for reasons I have to yet understand : but it has often been the case that I thought some authority figure (the psychedelic) would punish me for not obeying the rules or doing something bad.

I decided to trip despite the anxiety I felt because I thought there would be no perfect conditions anyway and life is too short to wait and I mean I wanted to do it altough I hesitated.

Well it was shitty. Very intense anxiety for several hours during which I tripped. I tried to surrender and it didn't work : the anxiety was way too intense and I basically spent like 2 hours in a intense state of distress trying to escape from it. It wouldn't go away no matter how much I accepted it - I mean I couldn't bring up any acceptance to accept it I just wanted it to go away - I mean I just couldn't hold enough space for it.

At some point I got sick of it and decided to deal with the root cause of what I felt was the issue : the rebellion against authority and the psychelic being the "god" here upon which I felt like I projected some sort of devine punishement. So I said no sorry I don't deserve this and when into the root of my fear retionalizing it was a treshold guardian and that I needed to face it.

So in a intuitive maner I imagined my father running after me with scissors to cut of my dick to punish me (OKAY this is far fetched but since the fear of castration was mentionned in therapy I decided to try and adress it) and either the scissors would break against my golden dick or I would push him back and put him back in his place.

I noticed I was terribly afraid of facing the real world myself and not having an authority figure which would tell me how to do things "right" => like if you don't do psychedelics properly well you're gonna get punished ! And I was very sick of being afraid and having a shitty experience because I couldn' t understand why it was happening and what I was afraid of exactly ? And I considered myself perfectly RIGHT by my own standards to do and experiment with psychedelics and choose my own life choices.

But I guess I was very scared of taking responsibility for my life and not following the "status quo" options which have a LOT of comfort tied to them. So I decided to face all those fears and decided I had the right to be a grown man and not a kid hiding behind it's father shadow and deciding for myself how to live my life and cutting away mentally my parents which was so fucking scary like you're can't imagine. And I saw literaly the path my parents wanted for me and then me going on my own direction like fuck you guys I'm completely free.

I thought about it in terms of a coming to age ritual like I'm a fucking adult now and I need to get my shit together even more.

Still, anxiety persisted after that (but it was WAY less intense) and I was stuck making salad with my mom while on LSD (not fun guys - learn from my mistakes).

On another note, I don't feel like I was in ego-death teritory either.

Either way the questions I have :

1) How do you handle things you cannot surrender to ? That are so overwhelming you just want them to stop ?

2) How do I know the difference between me disrespecting the substance  vs. me dealing with my own projections ? I thought the psychedelic is quote on quote "neutral" and just shines the light on stuff I need to process insight myself.

3) Should I had surrendered more or was I "right" to go deeper into it and "fight" it ?

4) I fear like I've maybe done more damage than good by facing this in this manner - altought I'm not sure. I feel like I wanna take a psychedelics again to make it right but also feel like I should abstain for more than 1 month, at least 4 or 5 until I've integrated everything and handled my basics regarding to fear and anxiety and diverse things such as living situation.

Any tips and recommendations would be highly appreciated <3

[Leo Gura]

Since you are God, you are the only authority that exists. So whatever you hold as the case becomes your reality. If you think you deserve punishment, you will get. If you think some adult is your authority figure, that becomes your reality. If you think you are crazy, you become so.

What the psychedelic ultimately shows you is that all of reality is your own projection. So be careful what you think or you just might get it. If you think scary thoughts you will get scary experiences. That's how people create their own living hells.

Such "bad" trips as yours are all part of the journey. It was exactly what you needed at this time in your life. The next trip will be different if you've learn your lessons.

Such "bad" trips are necessary to teach you the importance of respecting these powerful substances. The lesson is: these are not toys. So next time you will be much more careful with your protocol, attitude, and setting.

[Shadowraix]

4 minutes ago, Leo Gura said:

Such "bad" trips are necessary to teach you the importance of respecting these powerful substances. The lesson is: these are not toys. So next time you will be much more careful with your protocol, attitude, and setting.

Can't stress this enough.

I jumped from 500ug straight to 1000ug thinking I had conquered LSD and my mind. The LSD gave me what I wanted, all of the insights and glimpses, but it was not without beating my ego straight into the ground. You treat them lightly, and you'll be shown whos the bitch.

[Lynnel]

Thanks a lot !

20 minutes ago, Leo Gura said:

Since you are God, you are the only authority that exists. So whatever you hold as the case becomes your reality.

I have an issue with understanding this. I feel like it comes down to " believe it's true and it's gonna be true" => but I cannot force myself to believe it's true if It never happened before.

Like in the god paradox : You need to truly believe in god so he does a miracle, but you need a miracle to truly believe in god without any doubts.

But I don't have the true faith that I deserve the very best and positive things and that only good things are gonna happen to me only, etc.

I can't hold positives as true for whatever goddamn reason but negatives - I sure as hell can and it's extremely frustrating.

Thanks for you help again, I'll learn carefuly from this.

[Leo Gura]

@Lynnel It's tricky for sure. It's not merely a matter of belief. Belief is not what creates your body, for example, but your body IS a hallucination. So this process of creation is not as easy a beleiving whatever the hell you want and it appears.

But if you are tripping on psychedelics they open your mind up so much that you can literally imagine a devil and see it materialize before your eyes. But this is not just belief. It's the machinery of Universal Mind which spawns physical reality. You cannot access this machinery easily in ordinary states of human conscious. Because your sense of reality must be maintained to maintain your human life. Your mind works very hard to create a solid sense of "reality" otherwise the game of human life would be up.

Fear is pervasive due to the ego's survival function and your belief in death. Growing up is all about learning to master your fear and negative thinking.