Your thoughts on shared responsibility during sex

[Farnaby]

Hi everyone!

I would like to know what you think about the idea of each one of us being responsible for our own pleasure during sex. I can't help but feel somehow responsible for my girlfriends pleasure when we have sex and I don't know if this is natural or if it's something society conditioned me to believe. 

I'm asking this because it seems to interfere with our sexuality, since we're both very concerned with each others pleasure, to the point where we find it difficult to let go of our mental chatter (i.e "Is she enjoying it?", "She seems to need to go at this pace and I need something different but if I go at my pace she's finding it difficult to orgasm"). Our minds seem to be hyperactive, which makes it difficult to let go and just enjoy the experience. 

Do you think it's better to focus on your own pleasure and just orgasm when it feels right for you? I've tried both paths, the neurotic path where I try to repress my own urges in order to meet her expectations and the more "selfish" path. The second one usually works better, but quite often I orgasm earlier than her and although I can keep going my energy is not the same, which she notices and makes it more difficult for her to enjoy it (she usually starts asking quite often if I'm OK, which makes it more difficult to be in the moment). I'm always open to switch to other lovemaking activites, but she almost never wants to. Sometimes this leads to her being frustrated which I can understand and these kind of situations make me feel as if letting go of control is in some way bad. 

I'd really like to know what you think about this situation and if it's something common. Thank you

[Shadowraix]

No right or wrong answer. Talk to the girl and find a mutual consensus. There are many resources online about controlling orgasms. 

Instead of seeing it as her pleasure vs my pleasure, view it as our pleasure. As if her and you are one. 

Do you focus on the foot or back massage first? Just gotta consult with what works. 

[Sauvik]

Sex is a union , you feel her pleasure and she feels your pleasure , I feel very Happy and satisfied to see my girl moaning in pleasure with me, as david dieda says the greatest pleasure for the masculine is in Giving all you have, ànd the greatest pleasure for feminine is in opening up and receiving fully.

Examine and figure out which side of the masculine and feminine spectrum you lie in , for example  being a masculine man ( 90 %of men are on the masculine side) If you have the mentality that I'll today give all that I have to this feminine person besides me , I'll give her as strongly, as lovingly and as skillfullyas I can, I'll not hold back anything, having this intention as a man will be the prerequisite for having the most pleasure for both your self and your partner there to receive your gifts fully in the bed. 

PS: tried using fingers skillfully to stimulate her before penetration? It would make her come faster. Also in Kamasutra there are certain positions which are better for the man to last longer and allow the girl to cum before or Along with the man, check it out. I haven't tried them,but I had a friend who had been using them.

Edited May 12, 2019 by Sauvik

[Emerald]

10 hours ago, Farnaby said:

Hi everyone!

I would like to know what you think about the idea of each one of us being responsible for our own pleasure during sex. I can't help but feel somehow responsible for my girlfriends pleasure when we have sex and I don't know if this is natural or if it's something society conditioned me to believe. 

I'm asking this because it seems to interfere with our sexuality, since we're both very concerned with each others pleasure, to the point where we find it difficult to let go of our mental chatter (i.e "Is she enjoying it?", "She seems to need to go at this pace and I need something different but if I go at my pace she's finding it difficult to orgasm"). Our minds seem to be hyperactive, which makes it difficult to let go and just enjoy the experience. 

Do you think it's better to focus on your own pleasure and just orgasm when it feels right for you? I've tried both paths, the neurotic path where I try to repress my own urges in order to meet her expectations and the more "selfish" path. The second one usually works better, but quite often I orgasm earlier than her and although I can keep going my energy is not the same, which she notices and makes it more difficult for her to enjoy it (she usually starts asking quite often if I'm OK, which makes it more difficult to be in the moment). I'm always open to switch to other lovemaking activites, but she almost never wants to. Sometimes this leads to her being frustrated which I can understand and these kind of situations make me feel as if letting go of control is in some way bad. 

I'd really like to know what you think about this situation and if it's something common. Thank you

I recommend shifting from 'product-oriented' sex to 'process-oriented' sex. So, sex is more about communication, connection, and self-expression than it is about the orgasm. This will make it a lot better for her especially since there will be more focus toward emotional connection than there is toward the physical. 

So, that way, when you and your partner are making love there is no bar to meet and it becomes a more creative and enjoyable act.

 

[Devi Shanti]

I totally agree with @Emerald .

We can feel if the guy is expecting anxiously us to orgasm and it can make us tense, what makes it takes more time to happen and not to be so pleasurable as if we were totally relaxed. 

[Devi Shanti]

By the way, when I first read the tittle of this topic, I thought it was about avoiding pregnancy ? thats what I think when there are the words "sex" and "responsability" together. 

Maybe you should try to see it (having sex) from another perspective. Enjoying more the process and worrying less about results.  Talk to her, ask what she likes more, enjoy giving her pleasure (and it goes way beyond orgasm). It can makes her feel motivated to reciprocate, so you have a virtuous cycle where everybody enjoys and nobody worries ?

Edited May 13, 2019 by Devi Shanti

[MsNobody]

@Farnaby Just stop having sex thinking about the orgasm, orgasm is in the future, if you are in the moment connected to the other person you are busy with the connection, looking in the eye, feelings the sensations in your body, your ego is the one thinking if it's doing a good job, it's not much that you are concerned about her, men love to show their masculinity in bed, it's about themselves in the end, it's a manly thing to do so make sure you are not trying to prove anything, you are there for the connection not for the orgasm, also you need to communicate with her, this is very important.

Another problem is that many woman don't do their 50% part in bed, it's just how we were culturally taught, we just lay down there and wait for the men do to everything, that's also the reason many woman experience pain during sex, the musculature of their vaginas are not even being used, it's relaxed instead of working and of course more vulnerable, like someone punching your abs while you are flexing, but if you are not flexing is gonna hurt a lot, don't think woman are all sensitive, a child is born from our vaginas so the "instrument" was very well built if you know how to use it, but going back to the point, they let the men do everything and their bodies are not in sync, woman also need to participate in sex and connect with their inner power, know about their bodies and what gives them pleasure, men's impulses are much stronger than women's, that's why we need foreplay to build it up, I always take responsibility if the men is cumming fast, it's not like I'm watching someone do their thing by themselves, I participate in the act and can't get mad at something I participated on, that's why it's important to communicate and see what he is thinking about all of it.

Sex is like a dance, when you start thinking how well you are performing, when you are self conscious, too much in your head the dance is terrible, when you lose yourself to the dance, when you are lost in the act itself, when you are able to SURRENDER, then you dance beautifully and effortless.

I realized that when I'm able to surrender and more concerned with my own pleasure the connection is much deeper and the sex better, I also need eye connection, I need to look in the eyes of the other person, while I think men are more into looking at the body etc, orgasm is called little death, when you have one you are not thinking anything, you are not thinking about the future, you are totally in the moment, the intensity of the female orgasm is measured by the amount of freedom she feels to express herself, and to surrender to the person she is with. 

Try to connect with her body, get out of your head a little, and feel more your body, put the awareness in the other parts of your body besides your dick. This also requires practice, but it's fascinating when you are able to control your orgasm and the whole sex feels like you are having one, not only in the moment of the ejaculation. Also read up tantra.

[RichardY]

Service guarantees citizenship?

[Farnaby]

23 hours ago, Shadowraix said:

No right or wrong answer. Talk to the girl and find a mutual consensus. There are many resources online about controlling orgasms. 

Instead of seeing it as her pleasure vs my pleasure, view it as our pleasure. As if her and you are one. 

Do you focus on the foot or back massage first? Just gotta consult with what works. 

Yes you're right, when we feel it as mutual pleasure it's a more powerful and bonding experience. However, I was talking about the kind of situation where arousal is not yet on the same level for both and we may have different needs or like different paces for example. My guess is that when this happens we're not too connected in the first place and this leads to our bodies not being "in tune" if you know what I mean. 

We usually do some foreplay, although she prefers to get to it pretty soon. I think this leads to her not being so close to orgasm, but it's how she likes it 

Thanks for your advice!

 

22 hours ago, Sauvik said:

Sex is a union , you feel her pleasure and she feels your pleasure , I feel very Happy and satisfied to see my girl moaning in pleasure with me, as david dieda says the greatest pleasure for the masculine is in Giving all you have, ànd the greatest pleasure for feminine is in opening up and receiving fully.

Examine and figure out which side of the masculine and feminine spectrum you lie in , for example  being a masculine man ( 90 %of men are on the masculine side) If you have the mentality that I'll today give all that I have to this feminine person besides me , I'll give her as strongly, as lovingly and as skillfullyas I can, I'll not hold back anything, having this intention as a man will be the prerequisite for having the most pleasure for both your self and your partner there to receive your gifts fully in the bed. 

PS: tried using fingers skillfully to stimulate her before penetration? It would make her come faster. Also in Kamasutra there are certain positions which are better for the man to last longer and allow the girl to cum before or Along with the man, check it out. I haven't tried them,but I had a friend who had been using them.

Thank you for your reply. I 100% agree with you. Feeling and seeing her enjoying it is what gives me most pleasure too. It's possible that we are both a bit repressed and I hold back from giving all I have and I think she has a hard time completely opening up. 

I get the sense that part of my masculinity is repressed. I'm not at all the typical "macho" who doesn't care about how my partner is feeling. Actually, I think I am too concerned with how others feel towards me.

Yes, we do some foreplay but I think we tend to rush things a bit. 

14 hours ago, Emerald said:

I recommend shifting from 'product-oriented' sex to 'process-oriented' sex. So, sex is more about communication, connection, and self-expression than it is about the orgasm. This will make it a lot better for her especially since there will be more focus toward emotional connection than there is toward the physical. 

So, that way, when you and your partner are making love there is no bar to meet and it becomes a more creative and enjoyable act.

 

Thanks for your input  

I think the way I wrote the initial post may have given the impression that my main goal during sex is to make her orgasm (and it's very possible that out of insecurity there's some truth to that). However, I've always been very open to the idea of just enjoying the whole experience, with or without orgasm. The problem arises when I sense that she's getting frustrated when she is finding it difficult to climax because I tend to feel it's kind of my fault and sometimes I even feel guilty because I could orgasm and she couldn't. 

But you're completely right, we should make it process-oriented and go slow. 

5 hours ago, Devi Shanti said:

I totally agree with @Emerald .

We can feel if the guy is expecting anxiously us to orgasm and it can make us tense, what makes it takes more time to happen and not to be so pleasurable as if we were totally relaxed. 

Thank you for your reply. It may have happened that I subconsciously communicate that I'm expecting her to orgasm, but usually I'm perfectly fine with not rushing things and with us taking the time we need to build up arousal again. But somehow, when I finish before her, the fact of me being less energetic turns her off (which I can understand because it happens to me too, but I always tell her to take the time she needs because it's perfectly fine for me to continue) and she tries to force herself to orgasm which of course doesn't work. 

 

4 hours ago, Devi Shanti said:

By the way, when I first read the tittle of this topic, I thought it was about avoiding pregnancy ? thats what I think when there are the words "sex" and "responsability" together. 

Maybe you should try to see it (having sex) from another perspective. Enjoying more the process and worrying less about results.  Talk to her, ask what she likes more, enjoy giving her pleasure (and it goes way beyond orgasm). It can makes her feel motivated to reciprocate, so you have a virtuous cycle where everybody enjoys and nobody worries ?

Hahaha I didn't think about that when I wrote the title, but you're right. English isn't my first language 

Yes, I think we have to communicate more (or better because we already communicate a lot) and try to get out of our heads.

[Farnaby]

 

23 hours ago, MsNobody said:

@Farnaby Just stop having sex thinking about the orgasm, orgasm is in the future, if you are in the moment connected to the other person you are busy with the connection, looking in the eye, feelings the sensations in your body, your ego is the one thinking if it's doing a good job, it's not much that you are concerned about her, men love to show their masculinity in bed, it's about themselves in the end, it's a manly thing to do so make sure you are not trying to prove anything, you are there for the connection not for the orgasm, also you need to communicate with her, this is very important.

Another problem is that many woman don't do their 50% part in bed, it's just how we were culturally taught, we just lay down there and wait for the men do to everything, that's also the reason many woman experience pain during sex, the musculature of their vaginas are not even being used, it's relaxed instead of working and of course more vulnerable, like someone punching your abs while you are flexing, but if you are not flexing is gonna hurt a lot, don't think woman are all sensitive, a child is born from our vaginas so the "instrument" was very well built if you know how to use it, but going back to the point, they let the men do everything and their bodies are not in sync, woman also need to participate in sex and connect with their inner power, know about their bodies and what gives them pleasure, men's impulses are much stronger than women's, that's why we need foreplay to build it up, I always take responsibility if the men is cumming fast, it's not like I'm watching someone do their thing by themselves, I participate in the act and can't get mad at something I participated on, that's why it's important to communicate and see what he is thinking about all of it.

Sex is like a dance, when you start thinking how well you are performing, when you are self conscious, too much in your head the dance is terrible, when you lose yourself to the dance, when you are lost in the act itself, when you are able to SURRENDER, then you dance beautifully and effortless.

I realized that when I'm able to surrender and more concerned with my own pleasure the connection is much deeper and the sex better, I also need eye connection, I need to look in the eyes of the other person, while I think men are more into looking at the body etc, orgasm is called little death, when you have one you are not thinking anything, you are not thinking about the future, you are totally in the moment, the intensity of the female orgasm is measured by the amount of freedom she feels to express herself, and to surrender to the person she is with. 

Try to connect with her body, get out of your head a little, and feel more your body, put the awareness in the other parts of your body besides your dick. This also requires practice, but it's fascinating when you are able to control your orgasm and the whole sex feels like you are having one, not only in the moment of the ejaculation. Also read up tantra.

@MsNobody I think you're right about what might be happening and the analogy with the dance is exactly what it feels like. The problem is we're both very concerned with our performance in general in life and of course it translates into sex. It's really hard for us to get out of our heads and paradoxically if I "try" to get out of my head I usually just become more inmersed in it. Do you have any suggestion on how to completely surrender? I'll give tantra a try

I never thought about a women's part in the fact of a guy coming too soon. I've always thought it was our responsibility to control our arousal. In what way do you think women have some "control" over this? It actually makes a lot of sense and resonates with me, but I'm curious about your oppinion.  

Edited May 14, 2019 by Farnaby

[MsNobody]

@Farnaby the key to surrender is to put your ego aside and get lost in the moment, I tend to get lost in whatever I do because I'm an emotional person but for rationals it can be a little hard.

I love Osho teachings towards sex:

Sex Is Your Life, Ego Is just Your Mind

“Sex is the only energy that gives you hints that there is something which you cannot control. Money you can control, politics you can control, the market you can control, knowledge you can control, science you can control, morality you can control. Somewhere, sex brings in a totally different world: you cannot control it. And the ego is the great controller. It is happy if it can control, it is unhappy if it cannot control. So there starts a conflict between ego and sex. Remember, it is a losing battle. The ego cannot win it because ego is just superficial. Sex is very deep-rooted. Sex is your life; ego is just your mind, your head. Sex has roots all over you; ego has roots only in your ideas – very superficial, just in the head.”

"People who are afraid of love are not afraid of sex. Love is dangerous; sex is not dangerous, it can be manipulated. There are now many manuals on how to do it. You can manipulate it – sex can become a technique. Love can never become a technique. If in sex you try to remain in control, then even sex will not help to reach the ultimate. It will go to a certain point and you will drop back, because somewhere it also needs a let-go.

"That's why orgasm is becoming more and more difficult. Ejaculation is not orgasm, to give birth to children is not orgasmic. Orgasm is the involvement of the total body: mind, body, soul, all together. You vibrate, your whole being vibrates, from the toes to the head. You are no longer in control; existence has taken possession of you and you don't know who you are. It is like a madness, it is like a sleep, it is like meditation, it is like death."

“When you follow Tantra you move through sex. And that is Tantra's path; you allow nature a total surrender. It is a let-go – you don't fight; it is not a path of a warrior. You don't struggle; you surrender to wherever nature leads. Nature leads into sex, you surrender to sex. You completely move into it with no guilt, with no concept of sin.

“Tantra has no concept of sin, no guilt. Move into sex. Just remain alert, watching what is happening. Be alert, mindful of what is going on, but don't try to control it, don't try to contain yourself; allow the flow. Move into the woman, let the woman move into you. Let yourselves become a circle and remain the watcher. Through this watching and let-go, Tantra achieves a transcendence; sex disappears. This is one way to go beyond nature because going beyond sex is going beyond nature.”

"Sex can give you the answer to what the reality of life is because sex is the most alive thing in you. Mind is the most dead thing in you and sex is the most alive thing in you. That is why mind is always against sex, and mind is always for suppressing it. They are enemies. Mind is a dead thing and sex is the life force; they go on fighting. And whenever you move into sex, the mind feels frustrated and the mind says, "This is wrong. Do not move into it again.

"The mind becomes the moralizer, the mind becomes the puritan, the mind becomes the priest. The mind goes on condemning. All that is alive the mind goes on condemning and all that is dead the mind goes on worshipping. And sex is the most alive thing in you because life comes through it: you are born through it, you can give birth through it. Wherever there is life, aliveness, sex is the source."

Some of my partners struggled with that too, and I would talk about it, that's how I ended up studying all of that, I take my responsibility and this is my approach but not everyone thinks the same.

 

[Good-boy]

You have to bang the chick so hard that she lose her mind out of pleasure ?. If you can't do that, then you should just jack off and give yourself pleasure.

[MsNobody]

@Good-boy “banging” hard sounds like what I just said: men trying to prove their masculinity in bed, it seems like he is looking for a deeper connection, if he follows your advice she will most likely be scared ??

I would say Tantra is like martial arts in bed, it isn’t related to strength or speed, but with technique and wisdom. If he wanted the regular western sex you just mentioned it would be similar to ufc, everything is allowed and the one who “bangs” harder is the winner, but in Tantra there is no winner, it’s a dance with total surrender where you melt into each other so there isn’t a self to win. 

[MsNobody]

@Farnaby https://londonreal.tv/e/mantak-chia-sexual-healing/

London Real interviewed Mantak Chia, really useful stuff! 

[flowboy]

@Farnaby I recommend looking for Tantra workshops together. Together, because she needs to be on board if you want to change anything.

The New Tantra is a great organisation that teaches the sexual aspect of being in the moment and having more mindful, blissful, connected sex, as well as how to find your masculine core and grow towards the 3d stage. They are very much about the Deida teachings. Worth checking out.

[Farnaby]

On 23/5/2019 at 9:19 AM, MsNobody said:

@Farnaby https://londonreal.tv/e/mantak-chia-sexual-healing/

London Real interviewed Mantak Chia, really useful stuff! 

@MsNobody Thank you!

 

9 minutes ago, flowboy said:

@Farnaby I recommend looking for Tantra workshops together. Together, because she needs to be on board if you want to change anything.

The New Tantra is a great organisation that teaches the sexual aspect of being in the moment and having more mindful, blissful, connected sex, as well as how to find your masculine core and grow towards the 3d stage. They are very much about the Deida teachings. Worth checking out.

@flowboy Thanks! We will check it out! There's definitely a huge difference when we take things slow and mindfully.