Long term relationship issues

[Yuliya_Lei]

I've been in a relationship with my partner for over 10 years. My partner is pursuing ego death, I am not. We are having issues, and I feel overwhelmed and at a breaking point.

I don't want to leave the relationship. I also watch Leo's videos - although not as often as my partner. It has helped me quite a bit, but my path isn't that of ego death. My partner finds little use in social interaction with others, and not tolerable of me being social or friends. Any time I try to talk about being social my partner seems to be threatened by it, or will say I do not care for them.

I'm not sure what to do in this case. It feels like  trying to swim up a waterfall, and I feel frustrated/resentful of the situation. My partner also reads these forums so I am not giving very specified details on purpose.

[bejapuskas]

It is really difficult not to trail off on the spiritual path. It's important to be non-needy and independent, but enjoying people's company and getting help from your loved ones is absolutely ok. Maybe he should contemplate this issue, what is he scared of, what is he running away from?

Edited May 11, 2019 by bejapuskas

[Yuliya_Lei]

This has been an issue during our whole relationship. I stopped trying to form connections with other people because it was easier than having a disagreement with my partner about it. I can't say that my partner is forcing me to not have friends, because that is a lie. I have chosen to not deal with confrontation about it. 

I feel like I am very supportive of what my partner wants, but they are not supportive of what is important to me. Anytime something may clash with what they think is important to them it equals me choosing to place my needs on a lower importance. I just feel weary. 

[bejapuskas]

Have you tried talking with him about it? Try to find his attachments, his fears, make them surface by questioning him.  

[Nahm]

@Yuliya_Lei

15 hours ago, Yuliya_Lei said:

Anytime something may clash with what they think is important to them it equals me choosing to place my needs on a lower importance.

No, it doesn’t. That’s what “victim mindset” is. 

You don’t have a calling to “deal with confrontation”. It’s not your problem. It’s theirs. You don’t need to say a word. Do what you want to. If you don’t, you’ll resent them and yourself for it, not to mention stifle your growth. 

[ajasatya]

@Yuliya_Lei tell him that he's being hypocritical when pursuing ego-death and trying to control you at the same time.

poor kid... he doesn't know what he's after.

[Solace]

@Yuliya_Lei I agree with Ajasatya. Progress makes you a more loving and kind human being, not controlling. 

Your partners ego is perfect, and it doesn't need to change. The ego is not something to remove, it is an expression of perfection. Everything is an expression of perfection. Not to our mind, but our heart knows this.

There is nothing that needs to be resisted in ourselves, and there never will be unless we create that game of being incomplete. We already are perfect. 

I hope this can help with your relationship. I recommend you both check out Ramana Maharshi, Ekhart Tolle, and Lincoln Gergar. Papaji, Nisargatta Maharaj, Miester Eckhart, and Lao Tse. It is very, very rare to find a true master like these; it is mostly only once in a generation, so take that to heart. 

Edited May 15, 2019 by Solace

[flowboy]

On 5/11/2019 at 8:20 AM, Yuliya_Lei said:

I stopped trying to form connections with other people because it was easier than having a disagreement with my partner about it.

@Yuliya_Lei

This is called emotional abuse. You're in an abusive relationship. Do you realise this?

https://www.yourtango.com/experts/wendy-kay/avoid-abusive-relationship-15-signs-abuser-expert

You have "warning sign"  3 and 5.

Yes, you can rationalize that "it's your choice" to be isolated to avoid conflict, but the fact of the matter is he's controlling you with his emotional reactions, and he's isolating you.

And this is only a list off the top of google results.

Let's hear what Leo says:

 

I just listened to it, and you have at least 3 of the red flags that he names.

I'm baffled that many others here are not seeing this deeply toxic dynamic as a red flag. So I'll be the one to call it out then.

You'll probably be in denial and feel angry with me, that is natural. But really, do some research and let it sink in and contemplate.

I predict that if you bring this up with him, he'll emotionally manipulate you to (feel like you have to, to avoid conflict) get off this forum, as a next step. Be on the lookout for that.

Best of luck.

Edited May 27, 2019 by flowboy