living with someone who is suffering

[seeking_brilliance]

After coming so far in personal and spiritual development, it is so hard to see and witness my husband, who is hurting so badly. He suffers from severe social anxiety, attention deficit disorder, possibly detecting some some bipolar with highs and lows coming in cycles. 

Recently there have been some heavy hitters at home....  Water damage in the ceiling, which led to a  nightmare of getting our hardwood floors redone. Then immediately after, I come down with bone infection and seven weeks of IV antibiotics. Then immediately after that, termites and Terminex is handling our case very slowly and unprofessionally.  I've remained strong throughout, for him especially, and we are making it through. But he's spiraling now and it hurts to watch it, and not being able to help because he's very closed off to help.

 I know I can help him.... But he's completely closed off to it. I have suffered from all of these mental obstacles to lesser degrees.  I have now found mostly stable peace, and to see him suffering weighs heavy on my heart. I know that there's technically nothing that I can do, and it will play out as it does, but I also think, (possibly completely unbased) that the story can be changed in real time (relative time) by suggestions to the (M)ind. By grace, some of them may stick.

Or I can just surrender to the possibility that the wish to change the story is just part of the story as well....

I'd like to think this is his awakening, I just went through a living nightmare with taking over the family business and being very close to suicidal, mood swings and anxiety attacks out the wazoo.... that sparked an awakening but in desperation I pleaded for no more big karma burns at the business..... Just do it at home because I'm withering.  I need a break or I'll wither out and die.  That would be fucked up if it actually happened and I'm the cause of my husband's pain... Mostly kidding.... but now I can see him withering, and it sucks.  He feels like he can't get a break. I would love to show him that everything is ok, but he's so closed off.  He is trying very hard though, in his own way. So I am proud of him for that but inside he's really not in a good place.  
 

 

Edited May 10, 2019 by seeking_brilliance

[Flatworld Crusades]

Firstly, I'm very sorry to hear of your suffering. I know you mentioned that you need a break, but I do hope you get some free time to spend time on yourself. I was in a similar type of situation a couple of years ago, but I was the one who was unwell. I was absolutely trying to get well. I was doing everything I was suppose plus more but I just couldn't get a leg up. I would see my partner with the look a resignation when I'd try something that just turned out crap. But I really was trying. Now looking back it was a terrible time for both of us, especially me. No matter what I did I couldn't find me. 

If he honestly is doing all the things he needs to: meds, psych, meditation, mindfulness, exercise, nutrition he should progress but sometimes this can take time. The thing I found with comorbid mental illnesses is that you have to ease the symptoms of one to ease the symptoms of the other. Like ones dependant on the other. For me it was anxiety. 

I wish I had more help. Regards 

[DrewNows]

@seeking_brilliance id give him silent faith and see if you can remain in complete presence whenever you are around, who knows, maybe you will be the key to his mind's door. It would definitely not hurt to take time with yourself if you have trouble ending the thought stories, it sounds like a whole lot to process and accept. 

[seeking_brilliance]

@Flatworld Crusades thank you for sharing. I feel sympathy for him because I've been to hell and back, but oddly I also lose sympathy for him because of his complete lack of reception to help. He gets meds but refuses therapy from doctor.  Thinks meditation or any other spiritual advice I have is whoo-whoo.  But he's a good person and can put on a good front. Most of the time. 

That being said I have noticed some positive changes.  He has been walking more and taking probiotics. Lol that's a start trust me. 

For him it is anxiety and depression which are reliant on each other

Edited May 10, 2019 by seeking_brilliance

[seeking_brilliance]

2 hours ago, DrewNows said:

@seeking_brilliance id give him silent faith and see if you can remain in complete presence whenever you are around, who knows, maybe you will be the key to his mind's door. It would definitely not hurt to take time with yourself if you have trouble ending the thought stories, it sounds like a whole lot to process and accept. 

Thank you. I do try and remain mindful and strong when around him, in hopes that I can set a good example and he can see what is possible with this work. But he just dismisses it because he doesn't think I've ever had it as bad as him. He sadly lost in his stubbornness.  Yes it is alot to process... I have been to hell and back, but as cliche as it sounds, now that I'm back I don't regret the journey. And obviously the journey isn't over yet but it doesn't affect me the same anymore. I wish that so bad for him. 

It's funny I have contemplated the whole 'being the key to his mind's door'.  We'll see how the story plays out, I guess. 

Edited May 10, 2019 by seeking_brilliance

[DrewNows]

@seeking_brilliance hehehe I’ve experienced it with a loved one but it can be short lived for them if they turn back to their thoughts.

It didn’t come from my hope or anticipation. It was possible only because I no longer saw the story, any of it. It just didn’t exist anymore. I looked him in the eyes I saw him for who he truly IS...me

 

 

[seeking_brilliance]

3 minutes ago, DrewNows said:

@seeking_brilliance hehehe I’ve experienced it with a loved one but it can be short lived for them if they turn back to their thoughts.

It didn’t come from my hope or anticipation. It was possible only because I no longer saw the story, any of it. It just didn’t exist anymore. I looked him in the eyes I saw him for who he truly IS...me

 

 

Yeah and I don't want myself to suffer.... Lol... So you may have to explain this some more. So you saw the nondual nature of your loved one and his story changed? Or you just saw through and stopped identifying with the story?

[DrewNows]

49 minutes ago, seeking_brilliance said:

Yeah and I don't want myself to suffer.... Lol... So you may have to explain this some more. So you saw the nondual nature of your loved one and his story changed? Or you just saw through and stopped identifying with the story?

No problem ❤️

(Know this description can’t simply be mimicked nor is it probably very useful) I looked him straight in the eyes and all I saw was LOVE, he was no longer my uncle, my family, my friend, he was ME. It was evident, clear as day, I had no judgements because I didn’t exist

it was not simply just a look, it is natural interaction of unconditional authenticity that radiates pure love and acceptance. 

The only healer, self love, will grant you access to this vibrational frequency. this takes sitting with the fear you hold. Feel through all the thoughts and emotions of resistance. Cry as much as you need until you feel it is all gone and you are whole 

Edited May 10, 2019 by DrewNows

[Truth Addict]

@seeking_brilliance

It isn't really about anyone else but you.

[pluto]

Respond with love, always. By reminding yourself to respond in a loving manner to anyone or situation in life you raise the vibration of all.

[Flatworld Crusades]

1 hour ago, seeking_brilliance said:

@Flatworld Crusades thank you for sharing. I feel sympathy for him because I've been to hell and back, but oddly I also lose sympathy for him because of his complete lack of reception to help. He gets meds but refuses therapy from doctor.  Thinks meditation or any other spiritual advice I have is whoo-whoo.  But he's a good person and can put on a good front. Most of the time. 

That being said I have noticed some positive changes.  He has been walking more and taking probiotics. Lol that's a start trust me. 

For him it is anxiety and depression which are reliant on each other

It took me 5 years to recover from illness, and like him it's bit by bit. One idea I have and something that was very successful for me was to isolate a few of the issues my anxiety's rumination was based on at the time. It was financial issues and my car.  I wrote down all the internal ruminating that I would go through on an issue. I'd worry about not having enough money to pay my car rego next month. I'd ignore my bank balance, bills etc so I was in the dark which made the anxiety worse.  So I found some discipline and went through every financial paper I could find, sorted bills to be paid, what month they were due etc. so I created myself a budget & found I had ample money to pay the rego.  This took away a lot anxiety, so I did this for every other issue my anxiety took control of.  Others than  phobias, most anxiety issues have practical actions you can take to reduce the impact of the worry. Anxiety involves a lot of laziness, self-indulgence and doubt which work to steam roll the issues to make the anxiety worse.  

 

Hope that helps ?

[seeking_brilliance]

12 hours ago, Flatworld Crusades said:

It took me 5 years to recover from illness, and like him it's bit by bit. One idea I have and something that was very successful for me was to isolate a few of the issues my anxiety's rumination was based on at the time. It was financial issues and my car.  I wrote down all the internal ruminating that I would go through on an issue. I'd worry about not having enough money to pay my car rego next month. I'd ignore my bank balance, bills etc so I was in the dark which made the anxiety worse.  So I found some discipline and went through every financial paper I could find, sorted bills to be paid, what month they were due etc. so I created myself a budget & found I had ample money to pay the rego.  This took away a lot anxiety, so I did this for every other issue my anxiety took control of.  Others than  phobias, most anxiety issues have practical actions you can take to reduce the impact of the worry. Anxiety involves a lot of laziness, self-indulgence and doubt which work to steam roll the issues to make the anxiety worse.  

 

Hope that helps ?

I'm glad you were able to get on top of your anxiety.  Those are good ideas and sounds like something I would do. He's the kind of person that gets overwhelmed so it's easier to ignore the issues, which sounds like you had that issue but you had the openness to do something about it. 

[seeking_brilliance]

13 hours ago, DrewNows said:

No problem ❤️

(Know this description can’t simply be mimicked nor is it probably very useful) I looked him straight in the eyes and all I saw was LOVE, he was no longer my uncle, my family, my friend, he was ME. It was evident, clear as day, I had no judgements because I didn’t exist

it was not simply just a look, it is natural interaction of unconditional authenticity that radiates pure love and acceptance. 

The only healer, self love, will grant you access to this vibrational frequency. this takes sitting with the fear you hold. Feel through all the thoughts and emotions of resistance. Cry as much as you need until you feel it is all gone and you are whole 

Thank you. I suppose there is some underlying fear on my part when I see him suffering. I love myself but there's more hidden anxieties that need to be explored. I just want him to be happy. 

[seeking_brilliance]

13 hours ago, Truth Addict said:

@seeking_brilliance

It isn't really about anyone else but you.

True but even if I was having a lucid dream, I know my dream characters are me but still want them to be happy. I would want to heal and integrate that part of me 

[seeking_brilliance]

12 hours ago, pluto said:

Respond with love, always. By reminding yourself to respond in a loving manner to anyone or situation in life you raise the vibration of all.

Yes thank you. I do my best on that. Sometimes his anxiety is contagious 

[Truth Addict]

52 minutes ago, seeking_brilliance said:

True but even if I was having a lucid dream, I know my dream characters are me but still want them to be happy. I would want to heal and integrate that part of me 

I know that.

I'm just saying you need to become detached.

It's possible to have compassion for others without feeling bad.

[seeking_brilliance]

5 minutes ago, Truth Addict said:

I know that.

I'm just saying you need to become detached.

It's possible to have compassion for others without feeling bad.

Oh ok I gotcha.  I'm mostly detached and not letting it affect my own peace.  I see what you mean about having compassion without feeling bad. Maybe that's closer to what I am trying to express

[Truth Addict]

2 minutes ago, seeking_brilliance said:

Oh ok I gotcha.  I'm mostly detached and not letting it affect my own peace.  I see what you mean about having compassion without feeling bad. Maybe that's closer to what I am trying to express

The rest is out of your hands. Let go.