Ayahuasca trip report with Leo in it + interpretation request. What does it mean??

[JD8]

Dear All, 

I've been to a beautiful ayahuasca retreat in Peru. Below I share my trip report.

What I mostly came here for though is interpretation. Obviously multiple questions came up after the experience. There are some answers that I give to myself but I want to know if I don't fool myself, if it isn't my ego / my limited mind that provides concepts and explanations that it is familiar with but which might not necessarily be true.

Those of you who experienced ayahuasca too / had a similar experience / just feel capable to, please help me answer the below questions:

- What is that thing that I connected to / blended with when I was dropping my self? 

- Is this the experience that we are left with after physical death? 

- Is dropping the mind (that I needed to do in order to blend / connect) the same as ego death / physical death? 

As you can see in the below report, in short my answers are: I blended with universal life energy and experienced ego death. However I'm worried that those answers might not be true, that it's just a limited interpretation of my limited mind - and that's why I came here. 

Few words about the trip itself and the trip report:

- During the session I did have references to Leo and his teachings, few times actually. The most prevailing one was that wow, much of the stuff that I experienced, Leo did talk about. I mean yes, I know his videos well but it seemed like only at that time could I grasp the meaning of the most profound of them. And I was really really impressed with how precisely they describe those insights. I could barely wrap my head around them for myself (or sometimes just plainly couldn't, with my mind at least), and Leo is not only able to dig into them deep enough to understand them for himself and put it into concepts and words understandable to the mind but also to describe it in a way that the public can understand. I mean only now do I realise that in some cases I really understood little until I experienced it, but Leo gets as close as possible, and in terms of technical precision and accuracy - possibly the closest of all that I've come across. Thank you Leo, it's a wonderful work that you do. 

- Yes, by now I know that I should have let go more

- There was a bad trip as described but that's not where the main insight came for so from today's perspective, its not very meaningful 

- The below report was written in the morning after and slightly edited later for clarity. Please also note that I'm not an English native speaker. 

And here comes the report itself. 

Ayahuasca, 9.04.2019‌

- I felt like I understood everything, how everything works. I was kind of proud because all the research and contemplation and all the understanding that I gained throughout the last few years - it was right. It wasn't IT but it was a great foundation that I could refer to now, it was pointing to the right direction, to IT.

- I knew I understood it but at the same time I  was aware enough to know that I wouldn't be able to comprehend it once I'm back. (now I only remember mundane things that I understood : for example why John, my caretaker said that with vipassana experience, it might be easier for me to reach there. I can't recall what was the profound understanding of the world like.)

- I laughed, sometimes quite hard. I thought to myself : haha dude THIS is the ultimate game! And I was enjoying figuring it out.

‌- Then I remembered that people say that once you get enlightened, then you only laugh. There was nothing else to do, I understood it but when I wanted to grab it, grasp it - I couldn't, it was beyond my mind's capabilities. Not to mention putting it into words.

- I thought : this is what enlightenment must be like. It was pure bliss. I stopped worrying how to comprehend it later, transfer to lucid life. I just enjoyed it.

- About 'this' life here : it seemed like a fun adventure but one to not take too seriously, which made it even more fun.

- I had the multidimensional visuals that you see in related art sometimes.‌

- I was blending with something. When I got back from time to time [and I used the presence of my girlfriend to do that] , I thought : Maybe this is what death is like or what ego death is like?

- And I think maybe it was, but the moment I grounded myself, brought back to here, the moment I had a thought, instead of just blending, it wasn't it anymore. It wasn't ego death anymore.

- Why? Because how can it be ego / mind death, when just the fact that I THINK (about it) , means that I look at it from an ego/mind perspective.

- It might not have been good to be grounding myself because then I was loosing IT. I was on and off. Sometimes I thought : 'let's check on that body here'. I was on and off.‌

- The singing of the shaman was very very helpful to be on. Few times I thought with excitement: ok, we are so deep already and know Mr Shaman is gonna drop in with his shit too hahaha.

- Of my mind, I thought : thank you, my loyal and so helpful companion to bring me to this point. I will need to leave you now and go into the further journey by myself.

- And in 'this' world, the love between me and my girlfriend was kind of the only tangible, worthy thing, the only thing worthy my attention. [there was more to explore here, I felt, but I didn't]. ‌

- At times / some point I thought : Hey, maybe this is not ego death if - again - I THINK of it from ego / mind perspective. How do I know that this is not actually my ego fooling me? [I remember that this notion came to me from a YouTube comment that somehow I remembered now].

- But again : I was on and off.‌

- I was curious what was on the other side and I had glimpses of it (bliss, blending) but I felt that in order to really reach that and truly explore what is there, I had to drop myself, my ego and somehow I convinced myself that it's impossible because how I perceive all experience and this bliss too is through ME and physically through my body (which is the host of the mind) so I can't fully drop it. I convinced myself that it's physically impossible.

- Probably this was my ego holding me back. But on the other hand, I feel like maybe it wasn't ego death that I wanted to taste but death itself, and that obviously wouldn't be possible, while I'm still in this body - that's why I convinced myself of it.‌

- This was probably the very bad mistake that I made [convincing myself that it's physically impossible to drop my mind]  that got me to the second part of the experience - the bad trip.‌

- I felt like I was reaching somewhere but couldn't enter. It was layer after layer after layer. I did have that sensation going in, and each time I went in, I came out from the other side. Can't explain it with this limited mind now, even to myself... However it brought to my mind one of Leo's videos, even though right now I can't recall which one was it - either the one about infinity or strange loop. At that time though, I knew perfectly.‌

- I thought : OK, this is supposed be the TRUTH and I want to get there but to do that, I have to drop my mind but to drop my mind is impossible because it is this mind / body that brought me here to this point. So I need to drop it but I can't (ego telling me that?).

- I had this loop all the time. Exploring the TRUTH was the only thing that mattered to me. It was like I realised that my life here on earth is like a meaningless cartoon or TV show and I'm only a character in it. I really need to find the exit, come out of the TV screen and into real life.

- In such circumstances, exploring the TRUTH was the only thing that mattered and each time I was trying to figure it out but each time I ended up in the same point: can't explore it with the mind but can't stop the mind. That was my realisation. But after I realised that, my mind was going the same path again and again - trying to figure the TRUTH and ending up at the same point that was impossible to cross. Like being stuck in a riddle that can't be solved. 

- At some point I realised that I always end up at the same point but couldn't think in any other way, couldn't get out - it was the same thinking process over and over again. That's when the worst time was, when I was asking Jhon how much longer, that I can't stand it, etc.‌

- I wanted to go back to 'this' world. I knew it was rather meaningless but I preferred to be here rather than in that fucking trap.‌

- What was helping me the most was holding girlfriend's hand and feeling her. With time, I was realising sooner and sooner that the riddle doesn't make sense and that I will end up at a point with no way out. Thats when I was always looking for my girlfriend and that was bringing me back here. Step by step, I managed to do it sooner and sooner in the riddle and this is how it gradually faded away and finished.

[Leo Gura]

Good stuff. Generally in the right direction towards Truth, you just need to trip a lot more and contemplate the results of your trips more. Each trip gives more clarity and raises further questions.

[Arhattobe]

the path is not an intellectual exercise. Not clearly comprehending that is probably a factor as to why you have not yet stabalized in non dual state.

[Inliytened1]

@JD8

What is that thing that I connected to / blended with when I was dropping my self? 

You're true nature - GOD/Absolute Infinity/Being/Pure Consciousness

- Is this the experience that we are left with after physical death?  Yes

- Is dropping the mind (that I needed to do in order to blend / connect) the same as ego death / physical death? Yes (mind = EGo)

That's awesome man! .  Congrats dude.  It's awe inspiring is it not?

Edited May 7, 2019 by Inliytened1