I need help man

[nikkikc]

As I been continuing this path of spirituality for 10 months now I've realized many things about myself, the most important being I'm a doubtful person. I came into this path with absolute love towards finding the truth and reconnecting with being. The first video I've seen of Leo's was called "What is Enlightenment" and without having any background knowledge about the ego or nonduality, the first time hearing Leo talk about the no-self had put me in utter tears because of how much sense it made. It's like I found what I've been searching for without consciously knowing that this is what I was on the hunt for my whole life. Within this period of 10 months, there were times I prioritize the truth over everything else. But needless to say that didn't last for a very long time, it would come in dosages and often times wouldn't last long. I would say for the past 4 months now that drive for the truth has become less and less, and I took the action steps to not let myself fully fall back in that loop by meditating and doing the hand exercise daily but I just can't seem to find that desire that made me want to move forward. I believe this is due to my constant habit of doubting myself while I do this exercise. Like Leo says you don't need to sit in a quiet room to be aware, you can apply awareness while going about your day.

My only problem is when I'm trying to fully observe my surroundings and self there is always this voice in my head saying "you can't do this, it's too hard, you already went about your whole day not being present so there's no way you can do it now" I know this is my ego feeling threatened and trying to pull me back but it's just so hard. I have the tendency to give in to these doubts and sometimes they became so consistent and maintain such a strong emotional charge that I seem to adopt the belief system that I'm not capable of becoming conscious of the present moment. It's like once I become aware that these doubts are only here to serve the ego and push me off this path another doubt comes in my mind justifying my previous doubt and it just creates a chain and I feel helpless. All my life I was used to underestimating myself and doubting my abilities, that I was never able to accomplish anything. I have so many insecurities about myself that it's become neurotic, but it died down more as I began this journey. I still haven't missed a day of mediation since I first started even though many time's I have horrible sessions and my ego is constantly telling me to give up. 

I just need advice from you guys on what to do. I'm scared to fall off this path due to my doubtful ego. This journey of increasing my awareness is the only thing in my life that's ever felt real, I've had such beautiful glimpses that made me cry for hours of how appreciative I was and yet in disgust of how low my consciousness is and how I allowed myself to get here. This path is hard, it requires discipline, big-picture thinking, self-love, and a vision. I'm just afraid of my tendency to underestimate myself will prohibit me to create a concrete vision of why I'm chasing the truth and how I struggle to allow myself love due to my constant guilt of being at the state of consciousness I am. Thank you to anyone who ended up reading all of this it means more to me then you can imagine I usually never write on the forums but I felt like I had to as I'm in the midst of a backlash. 

Edited May 6, 2019 by nikkikc

[zeroISinfinity]

No worries. Continue practises. Love yourself love everyone and everything. Accept allow love. Surrender to what is. Build up your foundation steady. All answers Will come to you. Know that you are protected loved safe. Will it be challenging and difficult yes does it worth it Yes! 

You are worthy you are Light and love and Truth. 

Sending you love you Will make it. ❤️?

[The Blind Sage]

I relate a lot to your story. My first video was also the same one-my perception of life was turned inside out and I've been on the path for nearly 2 years now.

Reflect on how much you've changed over the past 10 months. Compare where you were 2 years ago and where you are now. It's a world of difference, and the results you get are exponential, not linear. I don't know about others but for the first year my emotional state was quite volatile-I would doubt myself, criticise, go through swings, etc. My psyche stabilised after some time though, just have faith and keep walking. Remember its a marathon, not a race.

But also consider this; who is the one perceiving the negative self-talk? Ask yourself what is that, that is aware of these thoughts? Stay in this post question state. Being present need not necessarily be projected to your surroundings. Whatever arises, simply allow it to be. You're doing well so far.

Many have mentioned that most of the path is in fact transcending our psychological neuroses and shadow work. We all have trauma, it seems like that's where you need the most work right now. There's lots of resources for this-check out the book on Leos book list on shadow work+negative self talk+self-esteem as well as these:

 

Good luck dear one.

Edited May 6, 2019 by The Blind Sage
Typos

[Solace]

Those beautiful experiences keep me on the path too. What has helped me with the ego (that says that I can't feel love, or that I can't open my heart and experience my true self) is realising that my experience, right now, is perfect. All thoughts are perfect, all resistance to thoughts is perfect, all emotions are perfect, wanting to be anywhere but here or feeling anything but what you are feeling is perfect. Whether I feel sadness or happiness I am perfect. No matter what thought arises in my perception, I am still perfect. It is a fact that I am perfect, and everything in existence is also perfect. The fact is that you are everything in existence. You are the light of consciousness no matter if you perceive it or not. So I ask you where is there to go? What is there to do when you are already love? You are whole and complete, and all of life exists within you. What is there to find or seek when you already are perfect? What is there to push away when everything is perfect? What is there to grasp for when you are whole, complete and perfect? You don't need to change anything about this moment because it is already perfect. Enlightenment is trusting this knowing, it is that simple. You don't need to do anything but know this, and your heart will begin to open, and your awareness will expand. When this happens you will naturally surrender into the space of awareness and the feeling of your heart as this video guides us to: 

But until then, it's helpful to say in your mind, "I am perfect, this experience is perfect" (other such words of truth etc.) and really feel these words, really say them as your deepest truth. When you do this you will open your heart, which is where you will find the unconditional love that you always have been, and always wanted.

Life is perfect, it is only our mind that says that it is not. Even so, the doubtful mind is perfect, and all it says is perfect. 

Relax and trust this knowing with all of your heart in every moment. To add, not trusting this is perfect. Trusting perfection is perfect. Whatever happens is perfect. This is all to help you loosen up, and relax, because you are absolutely perfect as you read this. It's not about convincing your mind that life is perfect, its about accepting that whatever arises whether it be thoughts or feelings of imperfection or perfection is perfect. This is about being real and honest with yourself, we are not forcing our minds to believe anything, but loving it just as it is, and trusting that I am love. Any attempt to change what is happening will cause you more suffering, so instead we affirm the bigger picture of perfection so that we can drop our resistance to what is happening. So, any resistance to this moment is perfect. It's okay to have a doubtful mind, it's okay to want to be loved and understood, it's okay to want to escape. Everything is included in this energy of perfection because all is perfection. The mind will resist the present moment, and if only we can allow this, and know that it is what the mind does, what its programmed to do, that this is perfect, then our resistance to the minds resistance can drop and we can enter peace in any experience because you are allowing all experiences to exist just as they appear. 

I enjoyed writing this for you @nikkikc. I highly recommend you check out the teacher in the video above for more of this. All is perfect right now, feel it, and if you can't, that is perfect, if you can, that is perfect. Everything is perfect. Keep going in this practice until you feel it. Any questions, feel free to ask.

Edited May 6, 2019 by Solace

[Robi Steel]

@nikkikc If there is anything else that you still want to achieve in the real world, go for it. Get on a big project or creative outlet and start producing real stuff in the real world. Before you have spiritual confidence, you need confidence in your creature and abilities. If your self-esteem is that low, start getting some confidence from external stuff, that shouldn't be the original source but you need to start somewhere. In order to feel like the hero, because it needs a real hero for this journey, a certain kind of prowess is required. Work on that first, because you're gonna have to let go of many big and threatening things in your future on this journey. 

Secondly, if these chains of thoughts and feedback loops overwhelm you, then you are missing a sense of clarity. You are still acting like there is a person behind the scenes who gets attacked by all these things and that there is any real danger involved in Life. Work on a glimpse or awakening that really grounds yourself in nothing, get a mystical experience that goes right to the core and makes it perfectly obvious what you have to do in these situations. It should become clear to you that you are the one creating all the anxiety, you are the stirring up this mess.

By trying to make it calm, you just stir it up more. As soon as you are "trying" to stop it, you are defining yourself as if there was something wrong with you in the first place. And by "trying", you are doing something, even though you know that *nothing* is the answer to everything. 

Its all self-created, youre actively confusing yourself

[mandyjw]

Progress is not fluid, but it's ok. It's ok to miss meditation. It's ok to forget spirituality for awhile. The problem is not that you aren't living up to some ideal, it's that you have an ideal and you are beating yourself for not living up to it. There's no ideal you, there's just this current you. Your present state of consciousness is all that matters. Can you be present when you are beating yourself up for not being hardnosed enough? 

Self love and self care is key. 

Make some time for yourself to do things that you enjoy. Have some chocolate, bubble bath, stupid cat videos on youtube, whatever it is. Carve out the time for it, make it intentional. The rest of your life and spirituality will flow a lot smoother. 

[nikkikc]

@The Blind Sage

Thank you, I truly appreciate every piece of advice you just gave me. I'm really going to take it to consideration and apply it to my life. It gives me hope that you went through the same conflicts as me and still maintained committed to the path. I tried the schematic breathing 3 times, first time for 30 minutes and the second and third time for 45 minutes. I didn't see much of a result with it, I saw some emotions rising up but it went don't quickly. I also felt more present but that also died down after a few minutes. It might be because I have asthma, I'm not sure. 

[nikkikc]

 

8 hours ago, mandyjw said:

Progress is not fluid, but it's ok. It's ok to miss meditation. It's ok to forget spirituality for awhile. The problem is not that you aren't living up to some ideal, it's that you have an ideal and you are beating yourself for not living up to it. There's no ideal you, there's just this current you. Your present state of consciousness is all that matters. Can you be present when you are beating yourself up for not being hardnosed enough? 

Self love and self care is key. 

Make some time for yourself to do things that you enjoy. Have some chocolate, bubble bath, stupid cat videos on youtube, whatever it is. Carve out the time for it, make it intentional. The rest of your life and spirituality will flow a lot smoother. 

Thank you, that was beautiful advice

[Conrad]

Don't be afraid to doubt or think it is wrong, it is right to do so. Follow your heart. The heart doesn't doubt. The ego-mind doubts in order to maintain it's mistaken nature, only to be annihilated by God in the end. I wish you the best, don't give up to the false. 

[nikkikc]

10 hours ago, Robi Steel said:

@nikkikc If there is anything else that you still want to achieve in the real world, go for it. Get on a big project or creative outlet and start producing real stuff in the real world. Before you have spiritual confidence, you need confidence in your creature and abilities. If your self-esteem is that low, start getting some confidence from external stuff, that shouldn't be the original source but you need to start somewhere. In order to feel like the hero, because it needs a real hero for this journey, a certain kind of prowess is required. Work on that first, because you're gonna have to let go of many big and threatening things in your future on this journey. 

Secondly, if these chains of thoughts and feedback loops overwhelm you, then you are missing a sense of clarity. You are still acting like there is a person behind the scenes who gets attacked by all these things and that there is any real danger involved in Life. Work on a glimpse or awakening that really grounds yourself in nothing, get a mystical experience that goes right to the core and makes it perfectly obvious what you have to do in these situations. It should become clear to you that you are the one creating all the anxiety, you are the stirring up this mess.

By trying to make it calm, you just stir it up more. As soon as you are "trying" to stop it, you are defining yourself as if there was something wrong with you in the first place. And by "trying", you are doing something, even though you know that *nothing* is the answer to everything. 

Its all self-created, youre actively confusing yourself

Thank you Robi, I completely agree with you. I do have low self-esteem and a strong tendency to be hard on myself until I see results. This neurotic approach of punishing myself till I get what I want has never worked, it will never work. I'm just chasing my own tail here. "As soon as your trying to stop it, you are defining yourself as if there was something wrong with you in the first place." That sentence itself really resided in my mind. You are completely right, I'm bringing these doubts to life by giving it my full attention and energy. 

[Nahm]

@nikkikc You do not have “low self esteem”.   You have yet to discover that’s just a thought, now.  You’re repeating it, identifying yourself with it. Just ask, who is aware of this thought -“I have low esteem” ?  Who is aware of this sensation? 

You are the spontaneous space, the “here & now”, in which thoughts, perceptions, and feelings arise within. 

Stop identifying yourself in every & any way.  

[nikkikc]

5 hours ago, Conrad said:

Don't be afraid to doubt or think it is wrong, it is right to do so. Follow your heart. The heart doesn't doubt. The ego-mind doubts in order to maintain it's mistaken nature, only to be annihilated by God in the end. I wish you the best, don't give up to the false. 

Thank you, Conrad, for your advice. I wish you the best aswell  

[TheAvatarState]

@nikkikc Hey, give yourself a pat on the back for reaching out for help. Really, it's great, and I know how hard it can be to even make that step because of the self-doubting stories you can tell yourself. "Oh, is it really going to work? Am I a fool for doing this? Is it embarrassing?" Your need for answers won out over your anxiety, so that's important to recognize. 

I really resonated with your story, because I recently had (and still do to a lesser extent) a battle with anxiety. And I want to give you hope that this battle can be won over time by understanding the root of this anxiety. By observing and mapping out the pathways your mind takes. It's actually a fascinating topic!

Fundamentally, this anxiety arises when you create a thought loop that gets stuck on a future possible scenario your mind perceives to be real. Really think about this! Fear and anxiety can only live when you are disconnected from the present. While fear is rooted in attachment to a false future, you can also use your past to justify and create a negative thought pattern, like your example of "I haven't been able to so far today, so why try now?" It's all the same fundamental problem of giving too much power to your concepts and projections of past and future. It's very important moving forward, to ground yourself in actuality, love, and self-acceptance, and to see these negative thought patterns as nothing more than illusions; this will help you to break free. 

The great Alan Watts explained this effect beautifully here:

Watt's talks on YT have helped me so much over the last couple years. If you're ever feeling down, stuck in a rut, hopeless... Try taking a deep breath, and relax and listen to an Alan Watts talk. There are some awesome videos where his voice is overlaid on a chill electronic track, and it can soothe the soul and provide guidance. Like "Watts Wave" or "Alan Watts chillstep." 

I want you to know that you're on the right path, despite everything you may be feeling from society, etc... You always have a great community here help guide and support you. There's no reason to be afraid anymore, but trust that it will take some time to overcome years of mental programming. I think you've made a lot more progress so far than you even give yourself credit for!