My sex problem

[andyjohnsonman]

So i've been having these constant thoughts over the last few months or so about sex. I was with a girl a few months ago and I couldn't perform. I'm trying to get to the bottom of it. I know it's a limiting belief and it's causing duality as I want to pursue sex but i'm holding back because of my last failure. I think the fact that i'm moving into spiral dynamics stage green as before was in orange might also play a part in this. I see women now as equal and basically the same as men. I don't hold them as sex objects like i used to as a sage orange person. However i'm worried this might have a part to play in it. I also have been getting into meditation alot and feel this might be just lowering my sex drive as i dont get the same cravings. The girl i went out with I didn't find that attractive physically but she was very nice. When undressing her I reacted to one of her nipples being a little wrinkly which caused me to completely lose interest. I then told her i wanted to sleep. But i wanted to prove to myself that i could have sex with her so i invited her over again and failed to perform again. I feel this was an ego self deception as i just wanted to please the ego regardless of if i liked her. I just wanted to prove to myself i am a "man" and can perform to make myself feel better and ofcourse this didnt work. 

 

I have now not been pursuing sex even when dating girls and ofcourse this is because of this worry. 

 

I decided to journal about this to bust this limiting belief. I am open to thoughts about the whole thing:

 

Busting Limiting Beliefs (do with each limiting belief) 

 

1 Where did this belief come from?

2 Holding this belief helps me feel protected from harm, like a baby blanket, in the following way…

3 How is this belief only a partial perspective on the world?

4 An alternative – equally valid – interpretation of the facts that caused me to adopt this belief is…

5 How is this belief flat out false?

6 What would an impartial 3rd party say about my holding this belief?

7 Three counter-examples to this belief are…

8 An alternative belief that might be even more accurate is…

9 Would I want to pass on this belief to my children?

10 The cost I incur for holding on to this belief is…

11 Do I want to keep holding on to this belief?

12 Is it theoretically possible for me to drop this belief?

13 If I dropped this belief, my life would improve in the following ways…

14 An alternative and still valid belief that would get me better results in life is…

 

 

 

I can’t have sex and dont want to have sex because I couldn’t perform last time. 

 

This is because I’m actually more worried that I can’t control my mind and that I will get worried when I get down to business which will cause the flop or the flop will cause nervousness which will have a snowball effect. 

 

Does seeing girls as humans affect my ability to fuck as I dont see them as sex objects. As I transcend to stage green in femininity?

 

Im putting too much emphasis on having to perform like its my duty. Its not your duty if it works it works if it doesn’t it doesn’t. 

 

1. It came from not being able to get erect last time I was with a girl even tho iwasnt that keen on her

2. It makes me feel safe if I dont try and have sex I can just pretend that I’m fine even though I know deep down that there is an issue that keeps popping up. It makes me feel like. Its easy to just play the victim and say that you can’t have sex. How do you even know you can’t have sex? You haven’t even tried. Your mind has just concluded from one experience to protect yourself.

3. As its just one girl in one situation. I wasn’t even attracted to her when we met. If you think otherwise you were self deceiving. You just wanted to try and get a girl to please the ego. Its one situation. 

4. An equally valid perspective is that I wasn’t attracted to her. I was putting too much pressure on myself. I cared too much and didn’t treat her as an object like I did with Chinese girls. So I cared about the outcome. I didn’t let go of the previous flop. 

5. Because I have been able to have sex in the past and this is just one circumstance and was because I was putting too much emphasis on it Its best to just be like - if I can have sex cool if I can’t thats also cool.

6. That you were just worrying too much and you should let go of it and start chasing girls again. Enjoy the moment forget about the pressure to have to be erect.

7. I can get erect when I wank, I have had other girls with no issues, I wasn’t interested in her sexually, I put too much pressure on, I saw her as a person not a sex object.

8. Same as 7 

9. No 

10. dont want to try and have sex with women as I worry I can’t perform

11. No 

12. Yes 

13. I would have the duality of wanting sex vs not trying to pursue it due to worries.

14. I wasn’t attracted to her. I was putting too much pressure on myself. I cared too much and didn’t treat her as an object like I did before. So I cared about the outcome. I didn’t let go of the previous flop. 

[Identity]

All I can tell you is, I recently transitioned from stage orange to stage green, and it really fucked with my sexuality. I think because stage green is much more introspective and in touch with feeling you have to face a lot of things you suppressed in stage orange. In stage orange I would just push down any feelings of insecurities and go at it. This resulted for me in pretty bad sex, not feeling a lot, and finding it hard to come. These problems have now largely been resolved, but it took me around half a year of not having any results with girls whatsoever, and not being able to express my desires, because I could actually feel my fears.

Just saying that this might be a sign of growth rather than a problem. Probably you have to face some things through and be much more vulnerable during sex. I would suggest to keep listening to yourself and find a girl with whom you are comfortable, perhaps can even tell your issue to. Hope that helps 

[flume]

Hi, here's some of my thoughts when reading this:

You said you're not pursuing sex because of this worry that you couldn't perform. And you feel like you want to get 'back' to 'normal' -  how it was before, when you could perform and you wonder what has changed. I often experienced that in self development there is no way back. It can be quite scary when something has been a certain way all our lives and everyone around us is doing the same. Like chasing sex and getting a sense of satisfaction from it. But observing the mind forces us to look deeply into our patterns and often shows us how empty they leave us. Seeing things clearly robs you of the ability to get a fix from it. Automatically, you detach from it.

I know the same thing happened to me when I started meditating. My sex drive disappeared for months, yet I felt more loving than ever. I guess you might also wonder whether you will ever have 'normal' sex again.  All I can say is: You might not, but there are better things ahead of you. You'll attract more meaningful connections where you can be truly open and vulnerable, which also means sex on a whole other level.

Did you ever ask yourself what would happen if you saw this whole situation as growth, rather than an issue? Maybe chasing girls just doesn't serve you at the moment. Consider it. Sometimes it's the ego wanting to make a problem out of things that actually aren't really problems. Playing those kind of games keeps you involved in things that aren't actually problematic. What is it you feel bad about? Or do you maybe just think it's something you should feel bad about?

Kind wishes!

[whoareyou]

23 hours ago, andyjohnsonman said:

I think the fact that i'm moving into spiral dynamics stage green as before was in orange might also play a part in this. I see women now as equal and basically the same as men.

This is the problem. Men and women are not the same, and never will be. Things like this cause sexual dysfunctions for many men. I recommend to read the book "The way of superior man" by David Deida. Work on developing your masculine edge, read this article here:

https://www.jordangrayconsulting.com/develop-your-masculine-edge-9-steps-to-becoming-a-beast/

Edited May 3, 2019 by whoareyou

[Soul-lover 2020]

Men aren't superior to women.  We're just different.  That's all. 

Edited May 3, 2019 by Soul-lover 2020

[Privet]

IMO it's very simple.

The limiting belief that you have is that you SHOULD perform well ALL THE TIME and that the lack of performance in bed defines your worth.

It's total utter complete absolute bullshit.

Let's say we have a woman that is confident in bed. And let's say we have a man that isn't. They come together, the dude can't perform. She laughs at him. She never had this problem in the first place because her parents gave her good sexual education or because her previous partner(s) made everything for her in the beginning. She judges him for something painful that she never experienced. Therefore her judgement equals her ignorance. Don't let anybody's ignorance make you feel ashamed of yourself.

If this situation arises the next time tell her that you're nervous, be brave, don't hide your feelings. Then try to cuddle in bed, take a shower together, don't hurry, kiss a lot and stuff. You'll get comfortable and erection will come. Dare to fail and not turn away from the situation. And if she judges what does it have to do with you? Nothing, her ignorance - her problem.

You worth better than your sex performance dude, forget about that shit, it's fucking ridiculous.

Edited May 3, 2019 by Privet

[GromHellScream]

stop wanking. 

[ZZZZ]

You're thinking about this way too much. It doesn't deserve this much thought and attention (although now it might because you've decided it does). Build healthy relationships, find someone you trust, and you will be able to have sex (barring some legitimate physical issue).