Starting my upward spiral.

[Sauvik]

As I am writing this I am very depressed , I have been thinking about starting a forum post documenting my efforts to rise up since a long time now, but have not getting started thinking various things. 

 

I am starting now, I am going to be fully naked and honest about my life situations in these posts.

Well the situation I am in life, I feel that I am hopeless case, I am truly feeling that I belong to very low rungs in society. 

I am 26 years old, I am not a college graduate, I didn't complete my engineering course in the college I was enrolled in, I don't have a graduation degree, after getting back home from college I had never been very depressed about my career ,I used to think that college degree doesn't matters in real world. 

 

After college ,I did small works in events and in call centers and i focussed on developing myself, my communication skills and my charisma as I thought those are the real things I'll need ( I want to become an entrepreneur)... I saw great improvement in my personality , I think I am a changed guy now socially. 

I also started as working as part time emcee in events. I have done about 35 events now in about 2 years(which is not that much) .

Anyway ,I used to be shy ,and couldn't speak up but now I don't have social anxiety and can socialize pretty smoothly and I have hosted events for about 100 people 

I have also done pick up for about 1.5 years and have improved myself with women.

Last year I joined a job in sales in a spiritual centre( as I was deeply into meditation )  and thought I'd develop my sales skills as sales is most important in any entrepreneurial venture, I did it for 8 months then left as I was not growing Anymore there, but I learned a lot there, and I was satisfied with my work performance there.

 

 

After leaving from that spiritual centre last year in November , I have not yet started anything solid, I had finished all my saved money whatever little I had and since last 3-4 months have been living in my parents house doing little emceeing work in events as there is very little work for small male emcees here, doing survey projects for some small ngos, I also joined a  direct selling network but not have been consistent, in between I tried to give my college papers again one last time but soon realized I was wasting my time and also realized I truly don't value degree, I was thinking about it because I am scared now.....

 

So here I am , I away from my home on a NGO project which I have taked to Carry on as I was not having anything else and wanted money...I am feeling very depressed hopeless about my life here in the hotel room.

I think after leaving my job I have been going into a downward spiral and today I can't see how can i ever have the kind of life I allways wanted 

I am living in reaction to life , I don't feel in control at all.

 

I don't have the strength in me right now to promise myself that I'll get myself out of this downward spiral.

But I am writing this post because I feel I need to do something, something so that I don't go deeper as I feel that I might never get myself back if I don't do something...

Leo, Tyler, Elliot hulses among many others have helped me before to handle my shit. I had been a bully victim in school had traumas regarding that and personal development has helped me a lot before and I think that's what will help me now.

 

 

 

Edited May 1, 2019 by Sauvik

[Leo Gura]

It sounds like you are making progress. Just remind yourself that progress is not linear.

Yes, it can be very difficult to find financial independence.

Then again, college degress count for very little and there are always interesting job opporunities available.

Be creative, think outside the job, explore new avenues, keep an open mind, and cultivate hope. You don't need to know HOW you will resolve all this, just trust that you will. The details will get sorted out in the process of doing it, not beforehand.

[Sauvik]

 

Thanks for your reply Leo , your reply just made me happy as I read it....:)

So just got finished with a project which I did to earn some cash, back home after 2 weeks of travel,

Yesterday saw Leo's video on phases of life , I was so glad as I could apply I directly. Well this is the point in my life where I am really struggling, I am at the Limbo phase( good to have a word for it now) , and although investigation about enlightenment ,nonduality etc is what I want my life to be about ultimately, right now when I am struggling with my purpose feeling direction less feeling low self esteem, having problem with interacting with girls who are really really good looking, and my financial future is not looking promising ,at this time talks about enlightenment etc are feeling like distraction for me, I have a tiger running behind me I gotta get rid of him first then meditate....:p

So now I gotta figure out what my life's direction is gonna be, 

It's very difficult for me to just sit to contemplate and figure it out, that what's really it's gonna be about now what do I wanna do next to earn money which would also take me closer to my purpose, how do I want my life to be alligned so that I get it all. I find myself distracting my self a lot.

I actually did it 4-5 times before , I did plan but then wasn't able to stick to it for some or other reason.

I am meditating almost every day, I am working to remove my "should", I had a big strong "should " when it came to meditation, which I think helped me a lot in beginning but now after 2 years of regular meditation ( I hardly missed 6-7 days in total), I think I need to remove the neurotic should I had applied to the practice, am working on it and making my motivation to meditate less neurotic, i think it's helping me and I am reconnecting to the real essence of meditation and the real reason I do it.

I also am doing bio energetic breathing exercises , it's very helpful , I have been doing it since more than a year on and off, doing bow regularly was hurting my back,these days it seems these exercises have become more effective for me, I think I am bending properly now, I don't have the back pain too let's see I'll report after some more time.

I have developed big self esteem problem, I think because I am an ambitious guy and now when my purpose and direction in life is not strong it's fucking up my self worth.

I am finding myself pedestrialising people I think are "high status" , it's dangerous as fuck, it's making me not to see reality of people and situation properly, I want to get rid of this problem. I am listening to sleep affirmations for self worth and self esteem hoping it would help it's been about a week and I think it has a bit. This low self worth thing is making me supplicate and being weird arround highly attractive and high status women, and Even men for that matter.

I hate smoking and only smoke rarely when I drink , but last week I smoked about 6-7 cigarettes. That's bad.

Biggest problem I have is money right now, it's been like this for a long while now , leo said there are a lot of creative ways of earning money I'll now focus on this (again) and I am tired of this having lack of money,

I think I don't give as much importance to money in my life, I see that I give more importànce to health,women, self development than money, maybe it's good I don't know, but right now i have real financial scarcity, my mind should be very alert and focused on this. The fact that I àm living with my parents could be the reason that I am chilled about it.

I am thinking that now I'll focus on my money issue I life primarily, 

One of the biggest distraction I have is women and sex, I spend a lot of time in getting women to bed with me, in doing pick up, following up with number closes, watching videos.  Also good amount of time is spent in dealing with hurt rejection , loneliness etc. 

I will now I have decided focus my pickup activities on getting a stable Girl friend, not on hook ups . Getting a stable girlfriend whom I like will at least save a lot of my mental bandwidth on arranging a hook up when I am horny. I will definitely be still doing pick up as I have lot more to learn and grow from it, just will be spending more time on earning money as of now.

I need to start exercising, it helps a lot. Main issue is again of money right now for gym membership, I'll have to come up witha health plan.

I'll contemplate about my life direction now in my journal, contemplating is very helpful for me. One probablem I have is I get mentally exhausted after a good contemplating session, so I am unable to make proper action plan on the realisations I have in the session, maybe it'll improve with practice , suggestions are very welcome in that.

Okay will go for now let me now open my journal and start journalling, I feel so much resistance ,haven't even started yet. 

Edited May 7, 2019 by Sauvik