A sexy title for a journal

[fryingLotus]

1st May 2019

Yoga (yin), vipassana, followed by a dose of Changa.

Smallish dose, all I had left, about a capful.

Feeling before hand:

Scared, anxious, apprehensive. I did my best to wean these off, reminding myself it's just my ego wanting to keep me as I am. I observed the feelings the best I could without reacting. Told myself I don't know what will lie ahead, I will just take it as it comes. I also vaped some CBD beforehand just as a bit of a mental massage.

(I've had a solid vipassana routine for some time now but I missed this at the weekend, then I was sick on Monday/Tuesday so today's short session was all I had. It didn't seem to matter.)

 

Prep & trip

I sat down in meditative posture on a round cushion, told myself a few more times that I surrender everything and that I am just an observer, before putting my finger on the bong's peephole, putting my mouth to the top and the flame to the black leafy substance in the cap. I took a small hit to try and gauge the how the smoke feels (normally I can't handle the smoke and it's a bit of a mental game) however it felt creamy and cold due to the ice water in there.

I only held it in for around 10-15 seconds and let out a cloud of smoke, at this point I felt this was incorrect and I should have held onto it for longer. I then finished off the rest and I sat there still in the room, nothing much changed although everything was warping. I realised it was all gone and the effects were light>moderate but this thought went and I just shut my eyes. 

I observed the constantly moving, endless, soft but clear, geometric world. I had a negative thought and the shapes formed a finger which pointed at me, as if laughing (you thought you could breakthrough haha). That kind of thing. I then went back to being aware, removing attachment as best I could, and this instantly faded.

Then the feeling of death came up which is the reason I'm writing this post. I started feeling really connected to the fact that I will die someday and there will be nothing left, no I, no thoughts, no friends, no family. I will cease to exist and I will not maintain my human state/ego once this has happened. This was quite a painful feeling and I felt the sadness in my stomach, to which I just thought this will cease to exist as well. I sat there feeling this as long as I could, it was extremely humbling.

 

Afterthoughts 

I then gradually felt myself returning to normal, and as this feeling went, the thoughts came saying that this is just my ego protecting itself, although I'm not sure this is true as I wanted to see more down this path.

I ponder death when I can remember in normal life, and sometimes I think I will be fine with death, but this has just shown me that I have a lot of work to do, a lot of priorities to make, and habits to change. The only issue being that this fades and fades until I'm into a normal routine once more. 

As part of my daily meditation, I think I will start practising self-inquiry, or just pondering my own death, more seriously, sat down quietly for say 30 minutes.

One more point, with my eyes shut the common thought it always 'what is this??' so I thought, this is reality. This just seems so alien to me as I'm a human from Earth with perceived limits experiencing a world with none (or something like that, my train of thought is now more or less back to normal).

Again, this was a small>moderate dose, nowhere near breakthrough, just put me into a deep state, connecting me with this feeling of death.

Edited May 1, 2019 by fryingLotus