Terrible anxiety about my life

[Peter124]

For the past few weeks, I've noticed a few spiritual teachers talking about this idea that you essentially have no real choice or free will in what happens to you or what happens in regards to your life. And that everything that happens is determined by the God head as destiny. That God already pre-planned everything according to God's plan. 

I'm someone who has extreme anxiety about the prospect that I could be destined for failure as in, not being able to get into the college I want for Animation. Or being able to get that dream job I've always been wanting for a while in animation and story telling. Never being able to find a love partner, never losing my virginity, not being able to be hired for the most part and screwing it up when I do get the job. 

That ultimately my family may give up on me and kick me to the curb as a lazy  good for nothing loser and me eventually losing all the friends that I have. 

My parents have been arguing since I was a kid, I think I was scarred as a result, I've been compared to my hot tempted aggressive and sometimes vulgar and disrespectful dad sometimes as though it's just me as well. And there's nothing I can do about it. Even though I'm mostly never like him. The only thing is that sometimes I have some anger issues and a big mouth. But I've been working on it and getting much better in that regard. Trying to own my mistakes. And I'm much better now. 

I've been bullied and rejected alot as a kid and in high school. I've never felt like I felt in because of different personalities. Sometimes I'm just shy and introverted and I feel very insecure about my self. 

I'm insecure about my looks since I'm a bit skinnier for my age, I've been called ugly alot growing up and even though I do groom pretty well and made progress in improving my style, I still feel subpar next to most other guys. 

I just feel like girls will reject me, end up leaving me or find a better looking guy than me. And I may end up dying a Virgin. 

I've been having horrible struggles trying to secure a job and have alot of confidence issues in myself and my abilities since without getting job experience now it might make it next to impossible for me to get hired anywhere down the line. Also I feel insecure about my art since I feel like I'll never be good enough for a collage and that I'll always be skipped over for better artists.

And add this anxiety that God fixed it like this, or if you want to say I'm (not ego self) God, somehow decides to be cruel to this life experiencing form and curse it from birth, made it like a futile loser perpetual failure unloved, unworthy for love in the eyes of others basically complete futility. 

And that my only choices is try to counter act this and fail, or well, commit suicide. 

Me committing suicide would be surrender and well the only true relief from this. My one true act of rebellion and the one thing that could bring some pleasure, no matter how scarred I am to die. Or what lies beyond. 

Though I am emsly curious to know if this awareness or concuousness that I'm experiencing continues after death, or if it's just darkness and nothingness a complete lack of concuousness forever. 

Though we'll never, I'll never know until and unless I die I guess. 

And I'm teetering slowly on the side of suicide, trying to find some excuses to try to stave actually offing myself. 

Like, finishing game of thrones, hoping to get lucky or proven wrong or something like that. 

Help. 

 

Edited April 30, 2019 by Peter124

[Inliytened1]

@Peter124 there's a lot to unpack here but to start with have you tried medication such as benzos or SSRIs or both to calm the anxiety? 

What you want is to be in a state of mind where everything is not sooo serious and causing you constant worry.

You see anxiety literally smothers the rest of your brain from opening up and working.  When you remove the anxiety your mind will open up and you will just start making shit happen..you won't be getting lost in what ifs...you will just be present and doing it.

But anxiety cripples this ability in a person.

If you fear getting on these try Modafinil.  It is the so called limitless drug.  I havent tried it yet but I'm going to.

It may increase focus where you are so dialed in your mind doesn't have time to worry or think about what could happen.

Also put free will on the barnburner..this is a very tricky and paradoxical topic.  For now throw it away and know that you have free will.

 

 

Edited April 30, 2019 by Inliytened1

[Flatworld Crusades]

@Peter124 @Inliytened1  I agree that a medication protocol to wind down the severity would be helpful. 

Its possible that a significant amount of your anxiety is attributable to childhood abuse.  You don't mention if you have ever had therapy, however I feel that a short program of counselling will make life much easier to cope with. If you don't know how to access therapy maybe you can find someone on this forum who is familiar with the Canadian system.

[Peter124]

14 minutes ago, Flatworld Crusades said:

@Peter124 @Inliytened1  I agree that a medication protocol to wind down the severity would be helpful. 

Its possible that a significant amount of your anxiety is attributable to childhood abuse.  You don't mention if you have ever had therapy, however I feel that a short program of counselling will make life much easier to cope with. If you don't know how to access therapy maybe you can find someone on this forum who is familiar with the Canadian system.

I have had some guidance counselors in school yes. I feel like they did their job fine for what I needed at the time. 

But I haven't really seen a therapist quite yet. 

Edited April 30, 2019 by Peter124

[UDT]

Let go of what you think you have to become and become that which you are, no fiters

[Flatworld Crusades]

1 hour ago, Peter124 said:

I have had some guidance counselors in school yes. I feel like they did their job fine for what I needed at the time. 

But I haven't really seen a therapist quite yet. 

If you have lived in a somewhat toxic environment most of your life, I'd guess your self esteem is pretty shaky.  I think a qualified therapist should be able to discover the origin of your anxiety. 

Can you get to a general doctor soon to ask for medication and therapy help?

[Jonson]

I feel the same. I'm finishing high school. I am lazy, I never had a girlfriend, I feel like i know lots of things but nothing concrete. I have an upcoming exam, i've got 1 month to prepare. I said that, from today I'm going to discipline myself and do it. 

I was also skinny. I started to eat a lot, learned to do push ups and pull ups . Concentrate on the form and correctness. Not on speed.

Idk if this helped , but i definitely feel anxious many times and I am sure a lot of people do . 

 

[Nahm]

@Peter124 You’re not wrong, but you certainly aren’t right. Prioritize being happy over being right.  Your dad lived from his head, suppressed his emotions. You don’t have a model for one who is vulnerable & loving, connected with emotions; inspiration, passion, joy, love, inner peace.  Can you see however, he did his best? Just like you. Just like me. We’re just doing our best. 

This never ‘fit’ with you, never actually made sense. Now you’re trying to use thinking to make sense of it. If there’s one thing you definitely do not need more of, it’s thinking. What you need is a disciplined daily routine which includes healthy eating, exercise, and meditation Thirty minutes twice a day. Keep returning attention to breathing naturally from your stomach, and keep relaxing every muscle head to toe. Shit will surface. Write it down, write about how it feels.  Return your attention to stomach breath. Thought stories will arise attempting to suck you into thinking again and again and again and again...RELAX......just return the attention to breathing from your stomach. 

Your emotions will actually correct your thinking. Let the thinking go. You don’t have to be good at everything, if you become a great meditator, you will see how it is that people create their own problems right under their noses. Because you become aware of this, you won’t do it. Your perspective of yourself, and survival in the world will completely flip. 

Take advantage of any and all resources available to you. If you’re honestly willing. Read The Six Pillars Of Self Esteem. Start therapy. Try Reiki, yoga, or look into meet ups for more specific interests. 

Do this and your life will change in ways beyond your imagination today. 

Better than you could even dream, from the state you’re in today. 

Make that connection with the stomach breath, see how with practice, it calms the mind. The more days in a row you practice twice daily, the quicker the purging, and the quicker you get to a quite mind. Fail easily, gracefully, do not beat up on yourself. Start again the next day. It’s not an overnight results kind of thing. 

You will see though, if you do this, that you’ll be able to calm your mind completely, and you will actually live the rest of your life in an abundance of peace, love, and happiness. 

[Peter124]

2 hours ago, Nahm said:

@Peter124 You’re not wrong, but you certainly aren’t right. Prioritize being happy over being right.  Your dad lived from his head, suppressed his emotions. You don’t have a model for one who is vulnerable & loving, connected with emotions; inspiration, passion, joy, love, inner peace.  Can you see however, he did his best? Just like you. Just like me. We’re just doing our best. 

This never ‘fit’ with you, never actually made sense. Now you’re trying to use thinking to make sense of it. If there’s one thing you definitely do not need more of, it’s thinking. What you need is a disciplined daily routine which includes healthy eating, exercise, and meditation Thirty minutes twice a day. Keep returning attention to breathing naturally from your stomach, and keep relaxing every muscle head to toe. Shit will surface. Write it down, write about how it feels.  Return your attention to stomach breath. Thought stories will arise attempting to suck you into thinking again and again and again and again...RELAX......just return the attention to breathing from your stomach. 

Your emotions will actually correct your thinking. Let the thinking go. You don’t have to be good at everything, if you become a great meditator, you will see how it is that people create their own problems right under their noses. Because you become aware of this, you won’t do it. Your perspective of yourself, and survival in the world will completely flip. 

Take advantage of any and all resources available to you. If you’re honestly willing. Read The Six Pillars Of Self Esteem. Start therapy. Try Reiki, yoga, or look into meet ups for more specific interests. 

Do this and your life will change in ways beyond your imagination today. 

Better than you could even dream, from the state you’re in today. 

Make that connection with the stomach breath, see how with practice, it calms the mind. The more days in a row you practice twice daily, the quicker the purging, and the quicker you get to a quite mind. Fail easily, gracefully, do not beat up on yourself. Start again the next day. It’s not an overnight results kind of thing. 

You will see though, if you do this, that you’ll be able to calm your mind completely, and you will actually live the rest of your life in an abundance of peace, love, and happiness. 

Thanks for the advice.

It's crazy how during my personal spiritual journey, as I've been grasping the truth of the universe being immaterial, the I, concuousness being God creating reality through becoming holographic form and the truth of no ego self, 

How my ego created and pulled me so vigorously into this delusions and deceptions. As though it would prefer to commit suicide as an ego with a toxic mindset rather than be let go. 

I have not been meditating as much as I had been before however my spiritual progress was made mostly through contemplating and trying to be mindful of what Leo had said in his videos. 

I believe the mistakes I made was thinking that things are preordained rather than the fact that moments becomes eternal once it becomes. Since possibility is conceptual but moments are actual. And do not become actual until it happens. And if I am creating this narrative, than it will become like a self-fulfilling prophecy since I'm putting that energy in motion. And the future only existing as a multitude of possibilities that become the present as the the becomes recreated to now rather than then which becomes a memory in a continuous sequence as a certain possibility happens. And of course not meditating nearly enough.

I see now as God, I puppet this life. And recognize it is connected with everything else as one. So there is no need to struggle and create bad scenarios by putting out that negative energy. Sending out that message that this is what I'm creating and where my focus is and affecting my Karma badly in the end. Since negative And as I become more conscious, and in tune with my intuition, I can guide this life and form working with nature to what I chose to create. 

Rather than fighting egoicly for control and trying to exert egoic will. 

Your advice actually helps and illuminates how this never "fit" is the work of egoic delusion. And unconsciousness. 

Edited May 2, 2019 by Peter124

[Nahm]

@Peter124 Great to hear. Lot of emotions need to surface, so relax for the marathon. Don’t score keep sprints. No double thinking and doubting yourself. Get on the cushion twice a day. No thinking your way out of it. You’ll never beat your cleverness. Ever. Surrender, on the cushion, twice a day. 

Take a long media / screen break. Meditate instead. Master it. 

[Peter124]

1 minute ago, Nahm said:

@Peter124 Great to hear. Lot of emotions need to surface, so relax for the marathon. Don’t score keep sprints. No double thinking and doubting yourself. Get on the cushion twice a day. No thinking your way out of it. You’ll never beat your cleverness. Ever. Surrender, on the cushion, twice a day. 

Take a long media / screen break. Meditate instead. Master it. 

I'll be sure to be aware of the fact that negative energy creates negative moments, as self fulfilling prophecies. 

And that so as long as allow myself to be swayed by the darkness of ego, it will reflect poorly in my Karma. 

[Nahm]

@Peter124 Peter I got a lot of love for ya, but no more thinking. It’s not gonna work. You got a lot to let go of. Commit to meditation. Twice a day. You can do this man. Don’t waste days. Start tomorrow. At the very least write in down several time through out the day. Make a habit of it before you even make a habit of it. 

If there is one thing you do not think abuot, please make it meditation. 

[R-Type]

Hey Peter,

fellow sufferer of anxiety / depression / cptsd here. First of all I would like to remind that you that you're anything but alone with this! Most of the people around us, though they appear to be part of this "normality blob" we call society, do in private suffer form these kind of problems too in one way or another. Yet, in our desperation and narrowed thoughts, we use to think that we're alone with this or that life has dealt us an exceptionally tough hand, but we forget that we all sit in the same boat.

I have to agree with Nahm and the others, that thinking your way out of this complex situation entirely, most likely won't work. It feels very intuitive to do so, but life is often times counter-intiuitive. To go even further, our thinking is so strongly influenced by our emotional and physical state, that when being depressed it's usually too shallow and dumbed down and hardly makes a good tool to help us. Don't take my word for it, see for yourself how the quality of your thoughts will improve all by itself once you get to more well-being.

Speaking of well-being, there have been a few things mentioned already and I'd like to share this video, which contains some great ideas as well.

The tough part is to decide what practice(s) to do and actually do it/them on a regular basis while still being in a negative state at the beginning. Be always patient and kind to yourself - that alone will improve your internal state and leave more energy for the actions ahead!
And remember that these actions won't intuitively feel like the best thing to do - so there will be moments of doubt and frustration, which are part of the journey. If possible, have a therapist too, best would be someone who is familiar with western and eastern methods.

I hope this hasn't been an overwhelming amount of ideas and wish you all the best.