Keep running into guilt

[Silvester]

I don't know what else to do, so I will post here. This is my emotional babbling, feel free to ignore this post if you don't feel like it.

I seem to keep messing up other people's lives. A few weeks ago I left a bump in my parents new car. I just got my license. My mental health declined a bit for a few weeks after that. Yesterday I came back from a 2 week vacation and today, an hour ago, my first day back, I get into a bike accident with my mom. I took the wrong direction out of habit and she landed, I did not. Her glases are broken, her hip recieved some damage and her kneecap is open. When it happened it felt like a dream. Like I would wake up any moment. I know people here probably have way worse things they've accidentaly done but my emotional state is very unstable. I felt no guilt, nothing at first. I can hear her downstairs in pain when she takes a wrong step. I don't think its all too bad (she walked home at least), but the thing is that my parents will go on holiday (ironically the same island I was on) in a week. She can't get glases till then and we don't know if the pain subsides till then. 

I'm in a weird space right now. Sort of like looking over a very high cliff, unsure if I will fall any second. I am used to suicidal thoughts coming and going but there's nothing yet. Just an odd sadness, and like none of it is real. Its so strange, the day began so lightweight. So happy. What does it mean? Am I bad luck? I feel like bad luck. What should I feel? Should I feel guilty? Cuz I don't. I am afraid of that emptiness in me. I keep imagining very spiritual people in my head, looking at me (Byron Katie, Eckhart Tolle) asking them to look at me. I want to be looked at and I want to see what they see. I don't know what I am anymore. So many times I have messed things up and felt broken afterwards. But now I just don't know anymore. I want to leave. Just hours ago I thought it would be nice to have a last few months at my parenst before I go to university. Now I feel like I need to disappear. It also feels silly to me, like nothing bad really happened. But then I don't know if anything bad happened. I just don't know what it means. Why did it happen? Why does it keep happening? Its so mysterious to me. 

I don't know how long this odd nothingness will last. How long before the guilt comes. I think I destroyed their holiday. She can't even take the stairs. She can't see. Why should she go? I was the sweetest when it happened. I am still sweet. I held no judgement against her whatsoever. I accept her anger, I want her to be as angry as she wants to be. 

Like I said, I just didn't know what else to do. I feel idle wanting to share this. Oh how painful haha. Its just so painful. Things just topple over each other. This looks so silly now that I look at it. Such a long post, trying to get some redemption from people I don't even know. Life is so stupid. I am a fool for thinking it could get better. It doesn't seem to work for me. It is embarassing, all of this. I don't care though, I don't know who else to talk to. I'm excited to see what others think, will someone reproach me or will people try to soothe my guilt. Or will no one answer at all. It doesn't matter, I just needed this to be put somewhere and I like this place. All you people here are so wise. I just keep asking why, why why. Why does anything happen. But I feel like things just happen as they please. 

I had made a whole plan of it. I had written down goals and intentions. For the coming months. I was so hopeful. Excited even, as I rarely am. Maybe this is what Leo means by growth sometimes leading backwards. Some part of me doesn't want goals. Doesn't want happiness. Whenever I am somewhat happy something gets in the way again. Maybe life is harsh so that we may turn inward and find happiness there. Like this. It keeps knocking me down over and over again. But whatever, I have to think. Thanks for reading. Maybe you'd like to share if you feel the same, or otherwise.

[Flatworld Crusades]

Hi, your have posted about quite a few issues, and you have asked many questions. I'll give you my honest response to the things that I think I can add value in.

firstly accidents happen. That's why they are called accidents. In the country that I live in there are special insurance components that parents apply to their car insurance to cover them for the types of incidents that you described. Young & inexperienced drivers have accidents and incidents, just a fact. If you own a car and you allow an inexperienced driver to drive your car you acknowledge & take responsibility for any damage to the car. If your parents aren't prepared to accept their responsibly over the car, they should never have allowed you to drive the car. 

The bike accident. Once again accidents happen. You feel that you have ruined their holiday even though they haven't gone yet because your mother has a sore knee and no glasses.  One of the things that you need to take responsibility for when you wear glasses, and are dependent on them, is you have a spare set. Because if something happens to your only set you are walking around half blind until you can get a new pair.  So while you may feel some responsibility for the damaging the first pair, that is as far as your guilt or responsibility goes.  Your mother is responsible for her eyesight and having adequate glasses or contact lenses at home as well a relationship with a optometrist. 

[Nahm]

On 4/30/2019 at 7:39 AM, Silvester said:

I want to see what they see.

They see a bike accident. 

That’s it. 

 

Mom’s hip is pain. 

All the rest is your suffering. Meditation is for this. 

Start meditating. Twice a day for 30 minutes. You’ll change your whole life.