The Only Way Back

[Shaun]

I think back to when I was 10 years old. I was I and you were you. We all lived our separate lives and it was utterly beautiful. I remember crying on occasion at just how beautiful life was. I had boundless passion, joy and was totally engaged with life. Love and life were truly precious as we were only here for a short time.

I started working in 2012 and this was the start of me maybe getting somewhere. I got into personal development, discovered Actualized.org and loved the insights, it was all going well until January this year when I went right down the rabbit hole and the insights got deeper.

I am now an empty shell, going to work for the sake of survival. The person I once was, gone. I see no way out and no meaning can be found. I can't enjoy life anymore because I am totally uncertain what anything actually is. I am not sad or miserable, just emotionally numb with anxious periods.

Is a nondual experience the only way back to that joy I once had? Is that why Leo is happy because he has the experience?

I don't know what to do, it seems that reality is entirely my own creation and none of the people I see actually experience me or is it that the I that sees through their eyes is the same I that sees the computer I am using now?

 

Edited April 30, 2019 by Shaun

[ivankiss]

Not the same eye, but only one I.

Been where you are, left the job, focused on passion. Nothing else matters. As fulfilled as I was at age 5. Though not nearly "there" just yet. But at least I'm on the right path. The path of passion.

[Neorez]

I sometimes wonder what jobs you guys are in and how you combine it with awakening and losing all meaning? 

[Paul92]

@Neorez yup. Same. Because no matter what they say, it's nihilistic. 

[Neorez]

@Paul92 Indeed, or so it feels. I'm a product designer and I hate designing things that doesn't benefit humanity and is only good moneywise. Don't know how to get out of this nihilism.

[Robi Steel]

@Shaun It sounds like you are in a most critical stage of your path. You are in a phase where many things collapse and get twisted, where many old paradigms dont make sense anymore. This shedding and letting go is the hardest thing you can do in your life. I can tell that youre suffering comes from a place of thirsting for ultimate knowledge and an honest search for truth. Keep up your single-minded pushing towards the truth. I can see that it is important for you to realise this and finally get a satisfying hold on this thing. 

Your vow, your bravery, your determination and your heart will decide if God touches you in the future. Suffering belongs to the spiritual process, feeling lost, falling down a bottomless pit. 

Whats the only safe pit? What pit will you survive? Bottomless. Heroes push on

 

Edited April 30, 2019 by Robi Steel

[Forestluv]

@Shaun Adyashanti and Lisa Cairns speak a lot about this “limbo” space - I found it helpful when I was in a similar space.

@Paul92 @Neorez Absence of meaning does not mean no meaning. You are creating a new “no meaning” nihilism narrative.

 

[Rigel]

I don't know how to help you practically but I hope you find your way. Keep digging it's there.<3

I second @ivankiss on that: Passion is the way.

 

[Jkris]

@Neorez donate your money to humanity and be happy

[Shaun]

I read a lot of Rupert Spira and enlightenment to him is the simple recognition of awareness itself or being aware of being aware. I am totally at that stage but there is still ego and suffering so I would imagine that there is much work to be done yet.

[Paul92]

@Serotoninluv Am I creating it? I have no free will. Everything that happens, happens. All thoughts, good/bad. Not mine. Only Gods. But how is God creating thoughts?  @Robi Steel says that Shaun needs to push on with exploring this. Does he have a choice? Do I have a choice in typing this?

Or is the illusion that we don't have a choice...

[Robi Steel]

@Paul92 There is no difference between you and god. It is not like God is controlling all of your consciousness and is dictating all of the thoughts. To whom is he dictating? Is he oppressing his own consciousness? YOU are willing these thoughts into being, there is a faculty within you that is creating these thoughts and feelings. That is what you can do, that is what God can do. Your freedom is Gods freedom. You are god. Stop making a difference between this as if there is a reality or consciousness separate from you. Its all the same, your personal feelings and mechanisms are Gods personal feelings and mechanisms. God is personally yourself

[Forestluv]

2 hours ago, Paul92 said:

@Serotoninluv Am I creating it? I have no free will. Everything that happens, happens. All thoughts, good/bad. Not mine. Only Gods. But how is God creating thoughts?  

I used the term “you” in a personal context, since it seems like your mind-body is undergoing a psychological dynamic trying to make sense of this conceptually. In other words, it seems like there is a sense of “you” trying to figure itself out.

The term “free will” is tricky, imo. One can deeply contemplate the meaning of “free” and “will”. 

The human mind likes to think in dualistic opposites: “me or no-me”, “free-will or no free will”. The mind tends to grasp to one extreme; “wait a second, if fee-will doesn’t exist, than that must mean there is no free will”. The mind may then try to grasp at a simple no-free-will model, yet cannot embody it, because that’s not quite right either. Then back and forth the mind goes, debating with itself and others. And it never sees the inter-relatedness and nuances of the two opposites. As well, the two opposites will get re-enforced and will never collapse into each other full circle. 

You wrote “Everything that happens, happens”. At one level, that statement is quote liberating, peaceful and magnificent. Yet I don’t get the sense that your mind-body experiences liberation and peace with that realization. What filter does that realization go through that causes you mind-body distress? Imagine observing what IS with the knowing that “Everything happens, happens”. Whatever is happening right now is happening, There is no distress in that. . . What occurs in your mind-body that is associated with discomfort? What is the step from the liberation and peace of “Everything that is happening is happening” to mind-body distress? . . .

It may seem trivial to the mind, yet the direct experience of working through this was one of the most challenging my mind-body has experienced. It was one of the keys in deconstructing the nuanced idea of “me”.

[LastThursday]

On 30/04/2019 at 9:36 AM, Shaun said:

I think back to when I was 10 years old. I was I and you were you. We all lived our separate lives and it was utterly beautiful. I remember crying on occasion at just how beautiful life was. I had boundless passion, joy and was totally engaged with life. Love and life were truly precious as we were only here for a short time.

Listen to your intuition. It sounds like the ten year old is still there and reaching out to your older self. What was lost along the way? Was it really lost?

[Conrad]

On 30/04/2019 at 10:36 AM, Shaun said:

 or is it that the I that sees through their eyes is the same I that sees the computer I am using now?

 

Yup. ? There is only One Being seeing through all eyes, thinking all thoughts, having all bodily sensations, being Everything all at once. You are that Being. 

[Nahm]

@Shaun Write down the facets of the life you want. Start simple. Read it every morning. Add to it. You are simply repeating a story, an inner monologue, that you don’t even want. No one is making you look at things in this way, you are choosing to. Your own perspective doesn’t even feel good to you, yet you persist in it with ferocity.

Initially, it will feel rough because you’ll see this is true.  You’ll realize you’re blaming people, a past, Leo, his videos, etc, etc, etc. No one is coming to change your mind. 

You - are a Creator. You can choose. You can choose to pretend you can’t choose. You can choose to pretend “meaning” is some kind of problem.

You answer to no one. You pretend you do though. Stop pretending. Start choosing. 

@Paul92 In a world of virtually unlimited options & choices - you cling to this thread to co-miserate. You can do, have, or be anything you want. You can help anyone, anytime, if you choose to. You can pretend this is not true, ohhhh but it is and you know it is. Your current narrative is conceptual meaninglessness & nihilism. So you’re experiencing conceptual meaninglessness & nihilism. You to can choose anything you want, and you can want anything you choose. Decide to stop picking & choosing facets to weave a victim story. It’s simply not working for you. Try something else. 

 

Anyone can take any teaching, any information, and use it as an excuse. No one suffers when you do this, but you. 

Anyone can meditate. Anyone can purify. 

Love is Unconditional. So unconditional indeed, it will allow anyone to choose misery, to refute it’s own existence.