Escape from suicidal thoughts

[Swagala]

Hello friends. I just wanted to share somethings that have been on my mind. And maybe get some help or advice.

It was around my 9th grade year when I really started having suicidal thoughts. As time went on, I've had more. What I've noticed is that even small responsibilities that's placed upon me, I would start to think how much of a pain they are. I always feel powerless to take on these small responsibilities or tasks. As if I'm never prepared or just don't feel qualified to take on these responsibilities. I soon went off to college, which I really didn't even want to go to, I felt obligated. It was at that time where I hit a new low. I was depressed because I was so overwhelmed from all the new responsibilities I had. I felt so powerless to do anything and so, I literally didn't do anything. I didn't go to my classes anymore. I just waited it out. Waited my semester out and I decided to lie to my parents and sister that I had great grades and that I didn't want to go continue college anymore. I was lost and I didn't want my parents to worry so, I applied for the army. I was second guessing my decision and I told my recruiter about it when it was about time for me to swear in. The recruiter wanted me to go through with it and that the Army experience was great. The recruiter was nice and I guess I didn't want to let him down so, I decided to keep going. I forgot to mention that I started my spiritual journey in college when I got depressed. I lied to the recruiter about why I didn't want to join anymore. I told him I was Buddhist and I didn't want be involved in anything that may result in anything that will hurt others. He turned it around on me and he told me that he used to be Buddhist and made some points. I guess it was his niceness and the fact that he was Buddhist was why I still went ahead with the Army. Soon my basic training was done and I was healthier than ever. I felt great to be involved in something that was bigger than myself. I was greatful. I wanted to become active so that I could experience the Army with my other buddies that I met in my training. I was told that I had to wait 6 months before I could go active and I just knew that I was gonna be a completely different person by the time 6 months came, and surprise, by the end of the 6 months, I didn't want to go active anymore or even be in the army. I went to one of the monthly drills and was disappointed in how it much of a difference it was compared to how I expected. There wasn't really a strong sense of pride when I was there. That experience added into why I didn't want to be in the Army anymore. I also realized that I was identifying myself with the army which was pretty egoic.I haven't been going to those drills  ever since and I finally got a letter saying that I'll be dishonorably discharged. When I received the letter, I felt afraid of how the rest of my life would turn out because of this. But I also felt relieved.  I always felt caged in when I was identifying with the responsibilities of being in the army. It was soon after the letter from the Army that I realized that these worries that I had were conceptual. I had worries of my college debt and worries of becoming a dishonorable discharge and how that will affect my life. When I let go of the worries I cannot tell you how free I felt. It was also near that time where I had my first real spiritual experience. I felt disidentified with my body and my thoughts. That helped to take spirituality a bit more seriously and believe that it's all true. My goal soon was to be able to tap into that state at will or 24/7 and not this concept of enlightenment I had in my head. In hindsight, I guess I just wanted to be "numb" is a sense. Not feel like a victim anymore and know that anything that happens is all conceptual and not really "reality". And then we get to the current time. I began to have suicidal thoughts again. A lot of the time when I'm having suicidal thoughts, I felt like a victim, not liking how the world is, just didn't want to have these responsibilities anymore. Now, it feels more relaxing, relieving and right. I realized that in a sense, every thing I've been doing was to escape these suicidal thoughts. I may have sought spirituality keep from killing myself because I thought it was right to keep living and not disappoint my family or anyone. I always felt like suicide was this evil, a taboo thing. But now, I realized that I don't really want to keep living. Like, I don't feel the need to experience anything else in life. And if I did, it would feel like it's from an egoic state. And if I look for anything that I want to experience, it feels like I'm just clinging on to life and that I'm having egoic desires. The way I'm seeing it is that I've just been doing a lot of things to keep myself from having suicidal thoughts. I sought spirituality in hopes that I can keep living but not have to suffer which will get me back to suicidal thoughts. I feel now that my only real escape is to get enlightened enough to be able to transcend all my worries and responsibilities (and myself) so that whatever happens, I'll know it's all just experience and I can keep living. Or just suicide. I won't have to keep suffering until I naturally die.

In a way, going along with the suicidal thoughts sort of felt like it was helping me see much more clearly. Like it was a bit of an awakening. But, that's probably just my optimistic self still hoping to get enlightened and keep living on.

From reviewing what I just wrote, it feels like everything in life had been going "wrong" because I've been just letting things happen and doing things out of not disappointing others. And from lying so that I don't disappoint others.

Edited April 30, 2019 by Swagala

[David Hammond]

The best way to get rid of suicidal thoughts is to kill the ego and become enlightened.

[Peo]

Just as you know sucidal thoughts are normal to have, i have them almost all the time so for me i dont take them really serious. The problem for you is that you take them to serious. I think the do-nothing meditation can help you just observe the thoughts without reacting. 

11 minutes ago, Swagala said:

I sought spirituality in hopes that I can keep living but not have to suffer which will get me back to suicidal thoughts.

Just as you know spirituality will one day give you liberation from suicidal thoughts, but before that point you will just have more sucidal thoughts then before. For example when you go to a solo retreat you should expect sucidal thoughts to occur. 

[Salvijus]

30 minutes ago, Swagala said:

From reviewing what I just wrote, it feels like everything in life had been going "wrong" because I've been just letting things happen and doing things out of not disappointing others. And from lying so that I don't disappoint others.

That's deep.

I resonate with what you sayed about wanting to quit and other things . I also dropped from uni. Don't want to go into it but it was the same like for you. I just did it bc of parents wanted me to go and then i quit because i had no motivation to push it through.

I think you'll be okey. That suicidal period was probably my most progressive period of growth, i used to meditate 24/7 to come out of depression  it's not That difficult, you can definitely come out of it, everyone can.

It will pass... Just meditate and things will slowly fall into place by itself .

Edited April 29, 2019 by Salvijus

[Forestluv]

@Swagala Thanks for sharing such a genuine story about your journey and process. It captures a lot of human experience  ♥️ ? 

[Swagala]

@Salvijus

Thank you for the assurance.

I've always acknowledged the idea that everything is temporary even emotions or state of the mind. This suicidal experience really got me to accept it even more. When I was in this state of having suicidal thoughts, it was relaxing. Almost liberating. I wanted it to stay forever. Sure enough, it disappeared even though I didn't want it to. It was the first time I wanted a "bad" (suicidal) thing to stay forever.

[SQAAD]

I can relate a lot.

Sometimes i find myself not wanting to exist anymore & i get the feeling like i am trapped/forced by God to live this life either i want it or not.

The fact that my mother was always talking about suicide when she was feeling really really bad doesn't help either because it programmed my mind to think this way.

Edited April 30, 2019 by SQAAD

[Flatworld Crusades]

6 hours ago, David Hammond said:

The best way to get rid of suicidal thoughts is to kill the ego and become enlightened.

With respect,  this individual spent a lot of time explaining and describing to us about their background and current situation. I feel that dropping a one-liner response in referencing "killing the ego and become enlightened" is thoughtless at the very least. You've not provided any assistance or direction. Frankly it comes across as very dismissive 

[David Hammond]

1 hour ago, Flatworld Crusades said:

With respect,  this individual spent a lot of time explaining and describing to us about their background and current situation. I feel that dropping a one-liner response in referencing "killing the ego and become enlightened" is thoughtless at the very least. You've not provided any assistance or direction. Frankly it comes across as very dismissive 

Meh 

[EmptyInside]

@Swagala I feel you. I have been suicidal myself in the past. "Enlightenment" will not solve your problems. Building your "Emotional intelligence" can help but it takes practice.  The last sentence of your post is very telling:

18 hours ago, Swagala said:

so that I don't disappoint others

This is not a criticism because I can totally relate with how you feel. Looking back into my own experience, almost 100% of my suicidal thoughts were related to my being crippled or paralyzed by the opinions of others. I was consumed with fear over what others thought about me. That was one of the root issues for me. That was the main cause of my suicidal thoughts. It took a great deal of self-reflection, emotional labor, and practice to begin to overcome that fear.  Practice not giving a fuck about what other people think about you. Not in an arrogant way, but in a "I'm good enough for me and that's good enough" kind of way. That's probably the closest thing to a magic pill you'll find. There's a little more to it than that but that would be a good start. I would also suggest doing some serious self-reflection and looking for thought patterns linked with feelings of guilt, shame, and/or regret. These 3 emotions are toxic to the soul but it takes a great deal of emotional labor to process and work through them. Very few people, "Enlightened" or not, ever develop the ability to do this.

Quote

“Care about what other people think and you will always be their prisoner.” -Lao Tzu

 

[SQAAD]

 

4 hours ago, EmptyInside said:

@Swagala I feel you. I have been suicidal myself in the past. "Enlightenment" will not solve your problems. Building your "Emotional intelligence" can help but it takes practice.  The last sentence of your post is very telling:

This is not a criticism because I can totally relate with how you feel. Looking back into my own experience, almost 100% of my suicidal thoughts were related to my being crippled or paralyzed by the opinions of others. I was consumed with fear over what others thought about me. That was one of the root issues for me. That was the main cause of my suicidal thoughts. It took a great deal of self-reflection, emotional labor, and practice to begin to overcome that fear.  Practice not giving a fuck about what other people think about you. Not in an arrogant way, but in a "I'm good enough for me and that's good enough" kind of way. That's probably the closest thing to a magic pill you'll find. There's a little more to it than that but that would be a good start. I would also suggest doing some serious self-reflection and looking for thought patterns linked with feelings of guilt, shame, and/or regret. These 3 emotions are toxic to the soul but it takes a great deal of emotional labor to process and work through them. Very few people, "Enlightened" or not, ever develop the ability to do this.

 

@EmptyInside Amen!