Cant overcome this mental pattern

[MM1988]

I have persistent mental pattern that is responsible for my depression for years.

Its about romantic love experiences which I never had. This pattern pops up multiple times per day.

The main theme is that I only experienced romantic rejection in my life. From this on my mind projects a future how this is going to be the rest of my life now. Im hardcore into self development for about 2 years now and the irony is that this just enforces this pattern. "Youve been working on yourself for another year, and still no progress in that area". 

I know that on some level its just a story my mind spins around a neutral situations. But in another way its so real because thats just how it is. I made no progress in that area. Despite all efforts I have not had one good experience yet. Its just a fact.

In a twisted way it even seems like the more I can handle through these insights and work I do on myself the worse the external experiences become so it cancels each other out and I stay at the same place. I know for sure that if I hadnt had the consciousness I have now the experiences of the past years would have driven me to near suicide instead into regular old depression.

I tried to work with law of attraction and I was really happy for a while, I vizualized how I would have all these dates and my confidence was on top. The external didnt change one bit after months of that so it felt like delusion and I lost all hope in that. 

 

Nowadays I tend to think about it in another way. i know I have enormous creative talents and recently I got this idea in my head that god wants to use me as a vehicle to create certain arts in this world. And because of that romantic love or family life is not allowed to come into my experience as it would be too much of a distraction and defeat my life purpose. If Im being totally honest I even get the sense that after I finished my creative purpose in this world my life is done and I will vanish. I dont know if Im deluding myself. 

Edited April 29, 2019 by MM1988

[ivankiss]

Ignore it. Those are tricks of the mind. Your old self being jealous of your new, evolved and advanced self. The old does not want to die. 

You're doing fine as long as you progress. Love will find you when you least expected it. When you reach fulfilment on your own.

God chose me as a vehicle to create art, as well. Yet I have a smoking hot blondie by my side, who loves me deeply. 

Keep expanding.

 

Edited April 29, 2019 by ivankiss

[Forestluv]

@MM1988 It seems like you are placing a lot of self-worth value on romantic relationships. It seems to be a goal uou want to acheive.  I suppose it could be, yet have you considered developing a selfless love for all beings? It’s really beautiful. ♥️ 

[MM1988]

@Serotoninluv I try to but I know Im far away from it. its a conflict between my higher aspirations and lower biological urges. 

[Forestluv]

10 minutes ago, MM1988 said:

@Serotoninluv I try to but I know Im far away from it. its a conflict between my higher aspirations and lower biological urges. 

And what are these lower biological urges? A biological urge to feel and express love or to have sex?

[MM1988]

@Serotoninluv definitely love, a deep connection with another human

[NoSelfSelf]

You didnt progress cuz you are stubborn and wont change your views on how relationships work...

[Forestluv]

28 minutes ago, MM1988 said:

@Serotoninluv definitely love, a deep connection with another human

There is plenty of opportunity to love others. For example, go out and do volunteer work. If sex isn't a goal, it makes it very straightforward.

[MM1988]

@Serotoninluv You cant be serious telling a guy who is 30 that this is the same thing as a romantic relationship with a women.

[Forestluv]

21 minutes ago, MM1988 said:

@Serotoninluv You cant be serious telling a guy who is 30 that this is the same thing as a romantic relationship with a women.

That’s fine too. I’m just not clear on what you want. It sounds like you want a gf for a relationship that includes romance, loving feelings and sex. Nothing wrong with that, it’s beautiful. To me, it sounds like that also has a lot of beliefs and identity attached to it. 

When I was younger and struggling to find a gf, I found three things helpful. One was to do personal development to develop character for the sake of becoming a better person - not to score dates. Second was to learn how to develop loving platonic friendships with women and thirdly, to learn how to develop loving relationships with men. 

There are other approaches tho. Lots of different strategies to attract women and score. Yet I don’t have much experience in that area. 

I know how hard it can be. I had about a 7 year stretch in which I was mostly single. Just a few times of dating, flings once in a while. It was really frustrating at times.

[Inliytened1]

@MM1988  can you tell us about previous relationships in the past 24 months and why you think they fell thru?

[MM1988]

@Inliytened1 I had none, I just asked girls out in various ways and got rejected immediately, same as the years before.

[Nahm]

10 hours ago, MM1988 said:

I have persistent mental pattern

The opposite is meditation. 

[purerogue]

Are you asking  girls you know, or just some random ones, is it in person, or trough apps? 

 

 

[who chit]

Do you have or feel a sense of lack, unworthiness, shame, guilt, fear etc.,
If so, do they revolve around your sense of self or identity i.e, (thoughts about who and/or what you are)?
Is your sense of self (who/or what you are), based on your thoughts, assumptions, ideas, beliefs , experiences?

[Truth Addict]

@MM1988

We keep failing until we succeed.

That's how success works, ask Bill Gates and other successful people.

It's all about not giving up, eventually you will break that wall.

[Buba]

Hi, brother. Your case is very similar to mine. I really never cared to chase after girls that much. But when I was around 22 I started to compare my life to others' in terms of dating and felt incomplete and unworthy. May be did my best, may be did not to find a girl, but could not. Felt depressed. Did not know that it was so difficult. But seeing other people succeeding in this I felt even more depressed, incapable, freak. It is in my mind for 24 hours. The only advantage of Dark Night of the Soul is that cravings for girls, feelings of unworthiness in terms of girls disappear.  Not even disappear, but seem so ridiculous, abnormal. But when I fall back, they also come back.

What I can recommend is face those painful feelings, dont discuss them in your head. Just look at them and say yes. Let them burn you. I believe in the long run it will help. I have not got rid of them yet, but I think only with this method I can break the cycle.

Good luck. I love you.

[Shin]

Probably time to get a gf and see that it's not as much as a need that you think it is.

At some point you need to take action, just thinking about it won'tdo anything now.

[flowboy]

With persistent mental patterns you have to ask yourself whether they are telling you something sane or insane. In this case, I would say it is sane to want a mate. So this neurosis makes sense. You can treat it as a disease all you want, but that would be running away.

Your problem is not your mental pattern. Your issue is that you can't get a girl, and you're not taking full responsibility to change that.

I've been in a similar place.

Dare to value it as a goal. Allow yourself to spend a lot of time and energy getting good (enough) with girls.

Get rid of the shame and judgment you absorbed from others.

Get to a place where you can admit out loud that this is important to you.

Then, take responsibility for your learning.

If you ask 1000 girls out and all of them say no, you're doing something wrong.

Do you even want to find out what that is? Are you brave enough for success? 

Or would you prefer to just keep doing the thing that doesn't work, so you can stay in your comfort zone?

I'm not judging you. Just inviting you to be really self-honest here.

Another way to think about it: are your actions and thoughts about trying to prove that you can, or that you can't?

Don't listen to the people who say "Love will find you at the right time blah blah", they just got lucky a couple times and project that onto everyone.

Edited April 30, 2019 by flowboy

[Angelo John Gage]

No one has rejected you personally. No one knows you enough to do that. What happens with most men is that they fail to approach women correctly and ruin the 'sale.' You see, men have to prove themselves worthy, not because women are superior, but because they have to screen out thousands of men a year to protect themselves. SO do not look at rejection as personal; even a really good Pick Up Artist WILL get rejected; the difference is, they know how to turn a rejection into an acceptance in some chases.

It also seems that your self worth is tied to relationships, and that not having what you desire makes you less of a person. If you loved yourself, would you need anything like this? Of course not. That is not to say that you wouldn't LIKE to share your love with others, but you wouldn't NEED it. There are plenty of people in history who were single and remained so; take for example Mother Theresa, I would have to assume she died a virgin but made great change in the world.

Ultimately, focus on yourself and your arts; love is inevitable, but will not happen so long as you are insecure and seeking validation. And if you find love without romance, such as in your works, then you solve your problem as well.

So work on yourself. If you're having problems with approaching women and not knowing who courtship works, there are plenty of pick up artist material that will show you what you're getting wrong.