How do I heal from a toxic relationship & not allow it again?

[bflare]

Firstly apologies for the long post. I split up from my gf of almost 3 years 6 months ago. She said she no longer loved me. This was the 30th time that she had broken up with me & I said enough was enough. I have been finding it really difficult coming to terms with not seeing her ever again & I have had to go no contacts to try & heal.  Towards the end of the relationship I had some therapy & it was suggested that I may have been co-dependent.  A lot of things happened in the relationship that I just accepted where other people would not. Even though some s**t things happened I find myself missing her a lot & wanting to contact her but I am resisting as if I did contact her it would just end up toxic again after a while. I have asked for some more therapy to help me deal with this but wondered in the mean time how I could help myself. I think I also need confirmation that the relationship was toxic & that I have done the correct thing staying away.

Any advice would be fantastic.

These are just a few of the things that happened.

1.Most arguments would result in me having to apologise

Sometimes she didn’t get my texts & would accuse me of lying about sending them. I even screen shot them & she accused me of photo shopping them

2. She would call me nasty or horrible when I told her not to talk to me like shit

3. Instead of communicating like adults during a disagreement she would say ‘go away’ ‘leave me alone’ ‘cya’ ‘what ever’ ‘bye’

4. After a break up she would say ‘I am lucky she is talking to me’

5. She added old acquaintances on Facebook to ‘piss them off’ because she was dating me & to get revenge on them because she always wins

6. She would have me wake her up on a morning with a phone call & sometimes it took me 20 or 30 times. If she didn’t wake up it was my fault for not phoning her enough. I eventually stopped doing this & she gave me grief about it for weeks saying I didn’t care any more

7. When we would break up she would change her Facebook to single almost immediately without even discussing things

8. There were often times when she would 'test me' by saying things to see my reaction

9. She was very erratic and she broke up with me at least 30 times and each time she got nasty.

10. Once she called me fat ugly and grotesque when she broke up with me

11. I was older than her by 14 years so she would always mention my age & how she didn’t want to be looking after an old person when she’s still young & got her life to live

12. She hardly had any friends & the ones she did have were normally unstable. She said all the other friends from school etc were all jealous of her & are ‘bitches’

13. When she was in a mood or something was wrong she would drop kisses off of texts and not tell me what was wrong

14. She would constantly accuse me of speaking to women on line when I'm sure she was speaking to guys and she did show me a message where she had gone to this guy who she hardly knew and asked him how he was then went on to ask him about his job and why he had split from his gf. It turned out he cheated on her with a married woman and my ex thought this was hilarious. She wouldn't take him off Facebook when I told her how uncomfortable this made me feel.

15. Her mom was verbally abusive & called me ugly to my own mother

16. She said he never lied but I caught her telling a guy that she worked in a bank when she had actually been unemployed for 6 years

17. I created a resume for her 2 years ago to help her get a job & she constantly asks me to send the resume off to employees. I did tell her that she needs to do it herself & she had a massive argument with me because I told her that she cannot keep asking me to do this as I have my own stuff to do.

18. She once said she couldn’t see me but then said she was off out drinking to a club. She

later admitted that she made it up to piss me off. She did things like this often & when I said it wasn’t nice her excuse was that she did it to see how I would react because I don’t show her I care enough

19. If I didn’t reply to her texts at work within a certain amount of time she texts me again calling me ignorant or accusing me of talking to someone else because I have not replied quick enough

20. She asked for my number after a break up once through email as she had deleted it, when I gave her it instead of a normal response like 'thanks' she took the chance to use the power play again and said 'now I can block it'.

21. After the last break up I said we could be friends. This didn’t last long & she said friends will not work as I am not her priority anymore.

22. She would tell me to piss off because she is not in the mood & I am getting on her nerves or I was annoying her

23. We once broke up because she said I didn’t put sweet things on Facebook anymore so I said please stop causing drama. She said I was been nasty & dumped me. She then came back & made me tell her what I had done wrong. She basically manipulated me into saying I had done something wrong when all I had said was please stop causing drama. I apologised just so she would speak to me.

24. She would constantly text me ‘you’re quiet’ if I didn’t text her for a while when I was at work

25. She once broke up with me telling me to ‘I’ts over, f**k off & leave me alone’. The next morning she texted me asking me to apologise.

26. She would accuse me of not listening to her when its because she had not explained herself properly.

27. When we are discussed things & I asked her to repeat it or clarify it she would refuse & say I should have listened

[Salvijus]

The fastest way to heal would be if you realized that you're 100% responsible for everything that happened.

 

 

Edited April 29, 2019 by Salvijus

[bflare]

7 minutes ago, Salvijus said:

The fastest way to heal would be if you realized that you're 100% responsible for everything that happened.

 

 

I disagree. I was responsible for allowing it to continue but I did not actively make her do what she did or did I? If she cheated on me did I make her cheat on me? If I am murdered was I to blame? This is dangerous territory in my opinion. Everyone should be responsible for their own actions.

[Angelo John Gage]

I don't even have to fully readr you post to answer lol

I had an extremely toxic relationship which lasted 3 years.. it was a 'fuck and fight' relationship; the girl looked like a porn star so my ego didn't want to let her go. She served as arm candy to feel good and impress others; of course the sex was great, but we didn' 'love' each other. We did care for each other but love, in the term of full acceptance, we did not. The symptoms you posted above are similar and are all EGO-driven.

So the first step is to realize that you didn't actually love each other at all, you loved the idea of what you both COULD have been. You also didn't love yourselves so you BOTH enjoyed the feeling of apparently being loved by someone, but subconsciously it wasn't enough, thus the chaos.

The best way to get over such a relationship is realize those things, but practically, remove all contact and reminders of said person...then let time do its job. And more importantly, think about WHY the relationship failed and remember ALL the bad times rather than focusing on the very few good times and the sex or whatever.

If its been so many years and you still aren't over it, that is because you have yet to love yourself. There is no work to be done with her. There is no closure to get. In several of my relationships, I didn't get closure, even if I was the one doing the dumping. But for some where it ended on their accord, closure was not needed. Closure, which many people feel they have to get, is on THEM. You don't need another person's permission to get over them and move on. 

If you must say something to get closure, write a letter and never send it. Read it over and you'll be releasing those things without the need to interfere and interreact with the other person. I used to have full blown convos with my ex when she wasn't there lol, its like gestalt therapy. 

Even though I was the one who left my toxic ex, I still had to get over it because it was always tempting to call or send a message. After year or so of no contact, I finally gave in to it and we actually ending up hooking up again. But in two weeks it collapsed literally in the same manner it did last time, proving to me once an ex is an ex, best to keep it that way.

Once you start to love yourself, you will naturally won't allow it again, for you will not lower your standards to ever been around such toxicity again. After my ex, I learned that I could handle any woman and their insanity. I did finally met my future wife, who was the opposite of my ex, which should me what at true and loving relationship is. None of the things that transpired in my toxic one happened in that one, and now we are married with a beautiful young boy. But it took me YEARS to love myself to actually drop my womanizing ways to settle with my wife, despite her being an amazing woman. So this goes to show also, that if someone doesn't appreciate you, as I didn't fully appreciate my wife at first, there is a lack of love within them, as was in my case.

Edited April 29, 2019 by Angelo John Gage

[bflare]

15 minutes ago, Angelo John Gage said:

I don't even have to fully readr you post to answer lol

I had an extremely toxic relationship which lasted 3 years.. it was a 'fuck and fight' relationship; the girl looked like a porn star so my ego didn't want to let her go. She served as arm candy to feel good and impress others; of course the sex was great, but we didn' 'love' each other. We did care for each other but love, in the term of full acceptance, we did not. The symptoms you posted above are similar and are all EGO-driven.

So the first step is to realize that you didn't actually love each other at all, you loved the idea of what you both COULD have been. You also didn't love yourselves so you BOTH enjoyed the feeling of apparently being loved by someone, but subconsciously it wasn't enough, thus the chaos.

The best way to get over such a relationship is realize those things, but practically, remove all contact and reminders of said person...then let time do its job. And more importantly, think about WHY the relationship failed and remember ALL the bad times rather than focusing on the very few good times and the sex or whatever.

If its been so many years and you still aren't over it, that is because you have yet to love yourself. There is no work to be done with her. There is no closure to get. In several of my relationships, I didn't get closure, even if I was the one doing the dumping. But for some where it ended on their accord, closure was not needed. Closure, which many people feel they have to get, is on THEM. You don't need another person's permission to get over them and move on. 

If you must say something to get closure, write a letter and never send it. Read it over and you'll be releasing those things without the need to interfere and interreact with the other person. I used to have full blown convos with my ex when she wasn't there lol, its like gestalt therapy. 

Even though I was the one who left my toxic ex, I still had to get over it because it was always tempting to call or send a message. After year or so of no contact, I finally gave in to it and we actually ending up hooking up again. But in two weeks it collapsed literally in the same manner it did last time, proving to me once an ex is an ex, best to keep it that way.

Once you start to love yourself, you will naturally won't allow it again, for you will not lower your standards to ever been around such toxicity again. After my ex, I learned that I could handle any woman and their insanity. I did finally met my future wife, who was the opposite of my ex, which should me what at true and loving relationship is. None of the things that transpired in my toxic one happened in that one, and now we are married with a beautiful young boy. But it took me YEARS to love myself to actually drop my womanizing ways to settle with my wife, despite her being an amazing woman. So this goes to show also, that if someone doesn't appreciate you, as I didn't fully appreciate my wife at first, there is a lack of love within them, as was in my case.

Thank you for your reply.

Yeah I agree I think we both didn't really love each other in the right way. She was beautiful & it made me happy, I was soft & a people pleaser which she wanted.

I definitely do not love myself & the way I combat this is trying to get approval from others including her. I did things for her that I shouldn't have done just for approval & the sense that she loved me. She needed this as she herself was insecure & needed constant attention. We both fulfilled each others needs but in an unhealthy way.

I have gone no contact & I have not spoken to her for almost 5 months I think. However, I was looking on her Facebook page from my business page I have up until 3 weeks ago & this was a bad bad idea as she was posting things on purpose to either make me jealous or get a reaction. I blocked her & deactivated my account & I have started to feel a bit better, I do not feel I need closure & any contact with her would put me back to square one so I am avoiding this.

I still need a way to start & love myself however, I have noticed that I am now spotting toxic women & staying well away. Before I was attracted to this type of woman & I would try to fix them but not any more.

I am glad you finally met a fantastic woman  

 

[Salvijus]

4 hours ago, bflare said:

I disagree. I was responsible for allowing it to continue but I did not actively make her do what she did or did I? If she cheated on me did I make her cheat on me? If I am murdered was I to blame? 

Yes you're responsible for everything that happened. You're not to blame for what happened. But it was your responsiblity to make the relationship work. The only thing you should be blaming is your incompetence. The faster you do this the faster you'll heal. And the wiser and more competent you'll become next time.

I know this is very hard thing to accept. It basicly goes against every instinct in your body  and i don't expect you to take such actions (tho it would be nice) but it's actually the wisest thing to do. 

Edited April 29, 2019 by Salvijus

[Fatemeh]

If you need confirmation: YES the relationship has perhaps been the very definition of toxic and you couldn't have done better than just staying away from her. 

Now it's great you have realized that the relationship was toxic and you'll just add more toxicity to your life if you start it again but there  are things you probably need to do:

Just cut off ALL contact with her. You said you deactivated your FB account, great! But I mean everything like block her everywhere and change your number if necessary. Because from what you have said, it's very likely she comes back again and again and again. You are learning to love yourself and let go, you don't want her to interrupt the process. 

You are learning to love yourself and it takes lots of time. It's definitely not easy at first. You probably have other toxic relationships like toxic "friends" and stuff, (people who call only when they need sth, people who are always complaining and never there for you when you need a friend etc,) cut off all contact with them also. Don't let being disrespected and used become normal for you! This is gonna feel lonely but that's okay because once you start to get comfortable being alone and learn to love yourself anyway, better people will show up. Do acts of love and kindness to yourself. Say I love you in the mirror constantly everyday. This will gradually change your relationship with yourself. Say "I'm worthy of love and respect" every single day in the mirror. Enjoy your time alone. Spend time doing what you're passionate about. These will all help you build a foundation and not want to let people like her in your life again because as you may know, the "problem" is not her. It's why you can accept to be in a relationship like that and what you gain from it. Speaking of which, you probably do benefit from this relationship. I have been in toxic relationships before and in most of them,there's usually this peculiar thing in the other person that makes us feel good about ourselves when we are with them. Sometimes the other person will love bomb you for a short time and the ego will just kill to get back to that state. Sometimes it's their youth,beauty or money that makes us want to be with them so we feel better about ourselves. Try to find out what it is in her that speaks to your ego! I'm sure you'll find something if you look close enough  When you realize that thing your ego loves it'll be a lot easier to deal with the desire to contact her. Sometimes we don't actually miss the person, we miss the way we feel about ourselves when we are with them.

Finally, do you consume lots of sugar? It'd be helpful to reduce your consumption because it numbs you to the pain of toxic relationships. You'd be less tolerant of taking this much pain in future if you can just really feel it.

So that's it. Hope it helps. 

Good luck to you 

[Forestluv]

@bflare You broke up with her 3.5 yrs ago and this story is still playing out in your head. And not just a general, hazy story. A highly detailed story (27 points!!) with lots of emotion attached. She is still living in your head 3.5 yrs later. . . rent-free!

I've been through similar psychological dynamics and to me, it looks like you are deeply immersed into it. I would discontinue all contact and not engage in this at all. It is feeding this beast. After getting a bit of distance, I would start to introspect. Yes, her behavior was controlling and manipulative - yet that is irrelevant. Focusing on that and dancing around in that story is just going to keep you immersed in that dynamic. That dance sucks. Get free of it and learn new beautiful dances. . . So, I would look internally. . . what is it about me that attracted this into my life? What is it about me that was attracted to the mess? You were, and still are, attracted to this mess. I've experienced bizarre attraction to negative energies myself. This situation sounds like a strong attachment to negative energy that is relatively mild. It could be much worse - into sociopathic and narcissistic zones that can get really twisted. . . I would observe the dynamic within you that is attracted to this behavior and energy. The mind may try to evade this question and think "Huh, I'm not attracted to this! I'm attracted to healthy beautiful women". Yet, be honest here - there is an attachement/attraction to this negative energy. If there wasn't, you wouldn't be immersed in this. So, I would ask what it is about me that is attracted to it, even though it is harmful to me. Why did I continue to engage in this? However. . . I would not go into a "poor me" or "I'm not good enough" mentality. Such a mentality is yet another avoidance defense that will keep one trapped in the underlying dynamic. I would look at it as objectively as possible. Don't blame anyone - her or you. Get curious and observe. As if you are a detective trying to solve a mystery. Ime, the are questions are key. I dated women you describe above over and over again. It was baffling. I knew it was unhealthy and just didn't know why I kept getting involved in these situations. Until I became aware of my own internal mind-body dynamics. Now, I can see it clear as day and I now longer find it attractive at all. . . Last Saturday, I went on a first date with a woman and could sense these types of control/manipulation games you describe above - yet in a much more subtle form. It was a first date afterall. Years ago I would have gotten sucked into it. Yet once free of it, it is so easy to spot and it is sooo unattractive. I politely told her thanks for visiting me, yet I am not drawn to our energy - I wished her the best and that was it - hours, weeks, months, years of twisted dynamics I no longer have to go through. . . 

[bflare]

13 hours ago, Salvijus said:

Yes you're responsible for everything that happened. You're not to blame for what happened. But it was your responsiblity to make the relationship work. The only thing you should be blaming is your incompetence. The faster you do this the faster you'll heal. And the wiser and more competent you'll become next time.

I know this is very hard thing to accept. It basicly goes against every instinct in your body  and i don't expect you to take such actions (tho it would be nice) but it's actually the wisest thing to do. 

I was responsible for allowing her to do what she did. I was responsible for keeping myself in the situation perhaps longer than necessary & for various other (conscious or subconscious) actions that enable her abusive behaviour. I am wholly responsible for how I react & respond to stressors in my environment. I was responsible for entering a relationship with a women who I knew was toxic. On this part I absolutely agree.

If I was responsible for making the relationship work then so was she, agree? Therefore, if she wanted the relationship to work then she would have behaved in an healthy way would she have not?  This is her responsibility not mine. I cannot make someone behave in a certain way nor is it my job to. I do not have control over this. The only thing I can control is how I react.  

I understand what you are trying to say but I am afraid I cannot & will not accept direct responsibility for her own behaviour. I am responsible for accepting it & inviting it but at the end of the day we all have to be responsible for ourselves. We are responsible for our thoughts and behaviour, whether deliberate or unintentional.

Also, please tell me if I was incompetent as you say how you make a relationship work with someone who is emotionally & mentally abusive? The only incompetence on my part was no leaving the relationship sooner. My therapist said there was a strong chance that this lady had a personality disorder such as Borderline Personality Disorder due to her erratic mood swings & abandonment issues . People with BPD tend to never seek help or therapy due to the nature of the disorder. Therefore, was this my incompetence?  should I of just 'made it work' as you say?

[bflare]

12 hours ago, Fatemeh said:

If you need confirmation: YES the relationship has perhaps been the very definition of toxic and you couldn't have done better than just staying away from her. 

Now it's great you have realized that the relationship was toxic and you'll just add more toxicity to your life if you start it again but there  are things you probably need to do:

Just cut off ALL contact with her. You said you deactivated your FB account, great! But I mean everything like block her everywhere and change your number if necessary. Because from what you have said, it's very likely she comes back again and again and again. You are learning to love yourself and let go, you don't want her to interrupt the process. 

You are learning to love yourself and it takes lots of time. It's definitely not easy at first. You probably have other toxic relationships like toxic "friends" and stuff, (people who call only when they need sth, people who are always complaining and never there for you when you need a friend etc,) cut off all contact with them also. Don't let being disrespected and used become normal for you! This is gonna feel lonely but that's okay because once you start to get comfortable being alone and learn to love yourself anyway, better people will show up. Do acts of love and kindness to yourself. Say I love you in the mirror constantly everyday. This will gradually change your relationship with yourself. Say "I'm worthy of love and respect" every single day in the mirror. Enjoy your time alone. Spend time doing what you're passionate about. These will all help you build a foundation and not want to let people like her in your life again because as you may know, the "problem" is not her. It's why you can accept to be in a relationship like that and what you gain from it. Speaking of which, you probably do benefit from this relationship. I have been in toxic relationships before and in most of them,there's usually this peculiar thing in the other person that makes us feel good about ourselves when we are with them. Sometimes the other person will love bomb you for a short time and the ego will just kill to get back to that state. Sometimes it's their youth,beauty or money that makes us want to be with them so we feel better about ourselves. Try to find out what it is in her that speaks to your ego! I'm sure you'll find something if you look close enough  When you realize that thing your ego loves it'll be a lot easier to deal with the desire to contact her. Sometimes we don't actually miss the person, we miss the way we feel about ourselves when we are with them.

Finally, do you consume lots of sugar? It'd be helpful to reduce your consumption because it numbs you to the pain of toxic relationships. You'd be less tolerant of taking this much pain in future if you can just really feel it.

So that's it. Hope it helps. 

Good luck to you 

Thank you for this. I have cut every one out of my life who are toxic apart from my son's mum but I have to stay in contact with her due to our son but I limit contact. I do not see my old friends as they were toxic & I now have a new group of friends.

I really like your suggestion about loving myself as I think this is a massive part as to why I keep allowing people to treat me bad.

It was her youthfulness & beauty which I was attracted to & the love bombing. I guess my ego really liked this & made me feel better about myself. I ignored all the red flags which I now regret.

I will look in to eating less sugar. Thanks for this suggestion.

 

[bflare]

12 hours ago, Serotoninluv said:

@bflare You broke up with her 3.5 yrs ago and this story is still playing out in your head. And not just a general, hazy story. A highly detailed story (27 points!!) with lots of emotion attached. She is still living in your head 3.5 yrs later. . . rent-free!

I've been through similar psychological dynamics and to me, it looks like you are deeply immersed into it. I would discontinue all contact and not engage in this at all. It is feeding this beast. After getting a bit of distance, I would start to introspect. Yes, her behavior was controlling and manipulative - yet that is irrelevant. Focusing on that and dancing around in that story is just going to keep you immersed in that dynamic. That dance sucks. Get free of it and learn new beautiful dances. . . So, I would look internally. . . what is it about me that attracted this into my life? What is it about me that was attracted to the mess? You were, and still are, attracted to this mess. I've experienced bizarre attraction to negative energies myself. This situation sounds like a strong attachment to negative energy that is relatively mild. It could be much worse - into sociopathic and narcissistic zones that can get really twisted. . . I would observe the dynamic within you that is attracted to this behavior and energy. The mind may try to evade this question and think "Huh, I'm not attracted to this! I'm attracted to healthy beautiful women". Yet, be honest here - there is an attachement/attraction to this negative energy. If there wasn't, you wouldn't be immersed in this. So, I would ask what it is about me that is attracted to it, even though it is harmful to me. Why did I continue to engage in this? However. . . I would not go into a "poor me" or "I'm not good enough" mentality. Such a mentality is yet another avoidance defense that will keep one trapped in the underlying dynamic. I would look at it as objectively as possible. Don't blame anyone - her or you. Get curious and observe. As if you are a detective trying to solve a mystery. Ime, the are questions are key. I dated women you describe above over and over again. It was baffling. I knew it was unhealthy and just didn't know why I kept getting involved in these situations. Until I became aware of my own internal mind-body dynamics. Now, I can see it clear as day and I now longer find it attractive at all. . . Last Saturday, I went on a first date with a woman and could sense these types of control/manipulation games you describe above - yet in a much more subtle form. It was a first date afterall. Years ago I would have gotten sucked into it. Yet once free of it, it is so easy to spot and it is sooo unattractive. I politely told her thanks for visiting me, yet I am not drawn to our energy - I wished her the best and that was it - hours, weeks, months, years of twisted dynamics I no longer have to go through. . . 

Sorry I think my post may have been slightly confusing. I have been separated from my ex for 6 months now. We were together for almost 3 years.

I have done a lot of introspection & I believe because I am a caretaker & she needed constant attention we were attracted to each other. Also, because I have low self esteem & low self worth & believe that I am unattractive her youthfulness & beauty counteracted this. I need to work on myself so that this does not happen again. I also think I am trauma bonded to her due to the rollercoaster of emotions that I experienced. All the love bombing then devaluation & discard episodes has given me an addiction to the drama. I guess staying no contact & time will help heal this?

 

[whoareyou]

Your relationship was a classic narcissist(her)-codependent(you) duo. I recommend to study narcissism and co-dependency to avoid such a toxic dynamic in the future.

[universe]

Well if you only list the toxic and negative stuff you are creating a bias here. Surely if that was everything you would have called quits earlier. So what was the positive stuff?

[SFRL]

@bflare

It takes two. It takes two to make a relationship work. It also takes two to create a toxic dynamic. Reading your stuff some of it seems straight up bullshit from her. Some of it is straight up bullshit from you. You created that situation together. 

That's ok though. I have been in plenty of toxic relations myself. 

At the end of the day you need someone that when you fight you can make kiss and make up again. Sooner rather then later. That also means letting things slide sometimes. 

I have found this advice good:

 

Now another thing, and I am not talking you down, my girlfriend is 9 years younger then me. Much younger like your ex girlfriend. So I am not bashing you over that or something.

But try to look at it objectively from the outside in. She is like what? Early twenties and you mid thirties? Don't you think it sounds a little ridiculous that the little brat got you all bended out of shape to the point where you need therapy? Snap out of it man, pull yourself together. 

I get it she is young and hot. But if you got a young hot girlfriend before you can do it again. Next time or the next next time you will find a girl that you can build a positive dynamic with. 

[bflare]

On ‎30‎/‎04‎/‎2019 at 1:44 PM, whoareyou said:

Your relationship was a classic narcissist(her)-codependent(you) duo. I recommend to study narcissism and co-dependency to avoid such a toxic dynamic in the future.

Yep you are bang on. We were attracted to each other because I was a giver & she needed what I could give. I have been reading books on narcissism & co-dependency. I actually started to set boundaries after I saw a therapist last year who suggested that I was co-dependent. When I started to set boundaries which she labelled as manipulative the problems really started. She called me uncaring then the final discard came where she said she didn't love me anymore.

[bflare]

On ‎30‎/‎04‎/‎2019 at 3:09 PM, universe said:

Well if you only list the toxic and negative stuff you are creating a bias here. Surely if that was everything you would have called quits earlier. So what was the positive stuff?

There was of cause positive stuff. She could be very loving & caring & when we got on we got on great. We were always there for each other. But, the negatives started to out weigh the positives. When someone who is supposed to care & love you starts discarding you regularly & calls you some nasty cruel things your self respect starts to diminish & then your confidence. I stayed in the relationship due to intermittent reinforcement & trauma bonding. This is why millions of couples stay in abusive relationships. It's not as easy as just getting out sometimes. They manipulate you in such a way that they give you periods of intense love with periods of intense negativity. This creates a chemical addiction from the roller coast ride of emotions. You become addicted to the highs & the lows.

https://thoughtcatalog.com/shahida-arabi/2018/04/5-signs-youre-in-a-destructive-trauma-bond-with-a-toxic-person/

 

[bflare]

On ‎30‎/‎04‎/‎2019 at 5:34 PM, SFRL said:

@bflare

It takes two. It takes two to make a relationship work. It also takes two to create a toxic dynamic. Reading your stuff some of it seems straight up bullshit from her. Some of it is straight up bullshit from you. You created that situation together. 

That's ok though. I have been in plenty of toxic relations myself. 

At the end of the day you need someone that when you fight you can make kiss and make up again. Sooner rather then later. That also means letting things slide sometimes. 

I have found this advice good:

 

Now another thing, and I am not talking you down, my girlfriend is 9 years younger then me. Much younger like your ex girlfriend. So I am not bashing you over that or something.

But try to look at it objectively from the outside in. She is like what? Early twenties and you mid thirties? Don't you think it sounds a little ridiculous that the little brat got you all bended out of shape to the point where you need therapy? Snap out of it man, pull yourself together. 

I get it she is young and hot. But if you got a young hot girlfriend before you can do it again. Next time or the next next time you will find a girl that you can build a positive dynamic with. 

Thanks for the video & you are totally right. Yeah early twenties & I was in my mid 30's when we got together. It is ridiculous how I am allowing myself to get so bent out of shape. I think it shows a great deal of work that I need to do on myself. If I had an healthy amount of self respect & self love I would just move on but I haven't so I need to take this opportunity to work on that.

[SFRL]

16 hours ago, bflare said:

Thanks for the video & you are totally right. Yeah early twenties & I was in my mid 30's when we got together. It is ridiculous how I am allowing myself to get so bent out of shape. I think it shows a great deal of work that I need to do on myself. If I had an healthy amount of self respect & self love I would just move on but I haven't so I need to take this opportunity to work on that.

Couples can fight, I don't think there is anything wrong with that per se. 

What I found more disturbing though is that her mom disrespects you as well. Now it's not just between you and her. Now it is just open disrespect that has extended to the outside world. I have dealt with that as well in a past relationship, and although it bothered me, not until years later after that relationship do I fully realize how messed up that was. 

If your girl is not going to stick up for you towards other people then you got to let her go man. 

[kindayellow]

I'd offer some advice but it seems like everyone is nailing it on the head. 

 

Only thing I can offer is that after ending my own similar toxic relationship, I made it one of many missions to be able to read a girl. I've probably watched Leo's video of Relationships Flags over 10 times. Being able to recognize multiple flags that show that person is toxic and to just cut things off before they go any further is amazing.

 

It's okay to be a dick sometimes. Because if you're meeting a new girl and maybe you're getting on pretty well, but in the back of your mind youvye seen some behaviour that's a big red flag, and you just cut it off, she will think you're a dick. And there's nothing wrong with that, you're doing her a favour as well as yourself.

[bflare]

6 hours ago, kindayellow said:

I'd offer some advice but it seems like everyone is nailing it on the head. 

 

Only thing I can offer is that after ending my own similar toxic relationship, I made it one of many missions to be able to read a girl. I've probably watched Leo's video of Relationships Flags over 10 times. Being able to recognize multiple flags that show that person is toxic and to just cut things off before they go any further is amazing.

 

It's okay to be a dick sometimes. Because if you're meeting a new girl and maybe you're getting on pretty well, but in the back of your mind youvye seen some behaviour that's a big red flag, and you just cut it off, she will think you're a dick. And there's nothing wrong with that, you're doing her a favour as well as yourself.

You have just reminded me about Leo's video 30 Red flags. I think the last time I watched it I spotted well over 20 red flags in my ex. Now when I listen to women I can spot toxic behaviour pretty quickly. That is the benefit of been in an unhealthy relationship. I have learnt a lot to be honest. In future I will just cut them off & listen to my intuition which I ignored last time.