If I were to die

[Shaun]

14 minutes ago, Nahm said:

@Shaun Look at that I you keep referring to. Are you two? 

Just now it would seem so, I find it difficult to live knowing that great suffering will be experienced. Not by Shaun but it will still happen.

[Nahm]

@Shaun Can you take a minute here, and describe each of the two of you? 

[Shaun]

20 minutes ago, Aakash said:

@Shaun your confusing enlightenment, you don't dissapear into absolute nothing and then come back to absolute something 

as well you don't ever not exist 

nothing is something 

therefore the life you living now IS heaven . exactly as your living it 

if you understood this properly 

even death itself will not kill you, so to speak, infact nothing would have happened 

and therefore there is no BECOMING absolute nothing 

because you already are absolute nothing 

absolute nothing is not something you do as a practice

I guess I just can not understand away my pain yet.

[Shaun]

2 minutes ago, Nahm said:

@Shaun Can you take a minute here, and describe each of the two of you? 

Please understand that I am nowhere near the level of some on here. There is I awareness and there's all these thoughts and experiences which are Shaun. Everything comes and goes within that emptiness or awareness.

[Nahm]

@Shaun Which one is suffering?

[Shaun]

1 minute ago, Nahm said:

@Shaun Which one is suffering?

Not the consciousness one. Consciousness is aware of suffering.

[Nahm]

@Shaun So what’s to be done to realize the awareness, and end the suffering? 

How is it the suffering is perpetuated?

[Shaun]

Suffering ends when I sleep as far as I know and it is perpetuated whenever I am harmed physically, or feel extreme fear. I've no control over it, it just is.

[Nahm]

What is different while you’re sleeping, and therefore there is no suffering while sleeping?

 

Are you aware of fear?

Are you aware of fear while you are sleeping?

[Shaun]

3 minutes ago, Nahm said:

What is different while you’re sleeping, and therefore there is no suffering while sleeping?

 

Are you aware of fear?

Are you aware of fear while you are sleeping?

There is no shit appearing on the screen of awareness as far as memory tells me.

 

I wake up in the morning and I am aware of a deep existential fear because I have no idea what the fuck existence is or what it's plans are.

 

As far as I know, when sleeping there is no fear unless I have a dream.

Edited April 29, 2019 by Shaun

[Nahm]

If you know it is “the screen of awareness” - then what are you afraid of?

Perhaps that is a belief you could let go of?

 

You said your fear is due to ‘not knowing what existence is’ - are you saying you are nonexistence? That existence is something other than you?

 

Sleep wise - yes...only in a dream is there the experience of fear. What does this reveal to you though, the minute you wake up in the morning? 

 

[Shaun]

10 minutes ago, Nahm said:

If you know it is “the screen of awareness” - then what are you afraid of?

Perhaps that is a belief you could let go of?

 

You said your fear is due to ‘not knowing what existence is’ - are you saying you are nonexistence? That existence is something other than you?

 

Sleep wise - yes...only in a dream is there the experience of fear. What does this reveal to you though, the minute you wake up in the morning? 

 

I am afraid of reality and my fear can sometimes get so intense that the knowing of awareness just gets overlooked and I suffer mindlessly. It's the same reason I only managed 11 minutes of shamanic breathing because I can't surrender to suffering and be okay with it.

I am not separate from existence but it doesn't seem to be under my control either so that scares me. I will add that this understanding is only intellectual and not yet experience as I'm not enlightened.

 

More fear is revealed when I wake up. A fear of going insane and fear of the unknown.

Edited April 29, 2019 by Shaun

[Nahm]

What would happen if you embraced all of your sensations? 

If you didn’t avoid the sensation of fear?

Literally, if you sat down and allowed yourself to be aware of all sensations, what would literally happen next?

[Shaun]

6 minutes ago, Nahm said:

What would happen if you embraced all of your sensations? 

If you didn’t avoid the sensation of fear?

Literally, if you sat down and allowed yourself to be aware of all sensations, what would literally happen next?

It's really the embracing part that I need to work on. If I could do that then there would be no problem and I would be able to hit the 5 MEO straight away and ride any trip with ease. I can easily embrace small amounts of discomfort and sit with that but if it gets too intense, I just moan or scream and turn into a mindless animal because I am incapable of allowing anything over a certain intensity. Basically, I am weak.

Edited April 29, 2019 by Shaun

[Nahm]

@Shaun But still...if you still just continued to sit comfortably, and embraced whatever sensations arise. 

Moan and scream if you like. But what if you continued to embrace the sensations?

What would happen?

[Shaun]

2 minutes ago, Nahm said:

@Shaun But still...if you still just continued to sit comfortably, and embraced whatever sensations arise. 

Moan and scream if you like. But what if you continued to embrace the sensations?

What would happen?

I'd just feel them but I don't like having to feel them and that's the problem. That's why I can't use psychedelics because I just can't surrender, it's just not a skill I have yet. I don't know if you've ever hurt yourself or experienced something so intense, you just wanted it to stop but if you have, then you should know what I mean.

[Nahm]

@Shaun But I am asking you something very specific which you are not answering. What would happen ? 

[Shaun]

I'd just sit, scream or squirm while feeling them, that's what would happen. Still, the experience is unpleasant. It all makes sense in this inquiry were are doing and thank you for that but when the actual experience comes, it is something else entirely to actually have to put in to practice. It takes skill and experience.

 

Please understand that I am dealing with a complete collapse of what I thought my life was. My very own mother and everyone else for that matter possibly don't even know me and can't even see me because they aren't there.

Edited April 29, 2019 by Shaun

[Nahm]

28 minutes ago, Shaun said:

I am dealing with a complete collapse of what I thought my life was.

No. You are avoiding sensations, and that is the suffering. Suffering is not happening to you, you are creating it, in each moment you continue to avoid.

After the moaning, the screaming, the squirming passes.....then what would happen?

[Inliytened1]

@Shaun You would be pure consciousness/GOD/Being

at some point you would emerge as a new form - a new finite idea/possibliity.

 

As God you would be all of existence which includes everyone else, but just in a formless state not in each of their individual formed states.

Everything is happening and it's NOT at the same time.  So they exist and they don't simultaneously.