Left my job, 4 months of solo travel + another 4 months of travel with partner ahead.

[fryingLotus]

I didn't know which sub to post this under as it applies to a few.

 

Long story short I quit my job to travel across South America for 4 months.

 

Reasons for travel: self-inquiry, lots of free time to think (mainly on self-purpose), work as a photographer, practice guitar as much as possible, and see as much of the continent as I can.

 

My current self/habits

Self-inquiry

• Around 1 hour daily Vipassana meditation where possible.
• Yoga.
• Some dabbles in pondering what I am or believe I am.
• Past DMT, mushrooms, LSD, Ayahuasca and San Pedro experiences.

Health

• 3x callisthenics workouts per week.
• Weekly running.

Photography/guitar

• Pursued photography on and off, some jobs but not committed 100% and recent focus has been on guitar. This is still a strong passion which I've invested a lot of time and money into.
• Guitar seems to be my stronger passion but I still have doubts where it will take me. I sometimes feel as though I've lost the care and passion I once had for music. Sometimes I'll listen to tracks I wrote in my teens and I can immediately feel the heart and message I was trying to portray.

 

At the moment everything just feels like I'm covering up emptiness with things I think I should be doing because they give me moderate pleasure or gave me pleasure at some point in my life. It also feels like my goal is productivity rather than life purpose/acting through passion - I had a drug stint in my life where I basically regressed to a crack fiend state which resulted in heavily negative views of my self and the world (and for the cherry on top I comforted myself with the only that didn't induce more anxiety/depression whilst I was doing the thing (food) so this meant occasional bulimia and daily binge eating. It felt like I went from 100% to below 0 over a number of weeks - I could feel the anxiety and depression getting heavier and heavier every day and my weight fluctuated constantly. It was pretty scary, I was a complete wreck and I had no idea how to handle it. So essentially I think my driving force behind productivity comes from here as a counter-weight to all of the 'wasted' time, although I'm also a procrastinator and don't really push myself.

My first view of ego death was a ketamine+mdma trip back in my teens that just completely blew my mind. I had many similar sessions that were incredible. The only problem was becoming too involved with the party scene instead of being mature enough to start the hint, start meditating and perhaps take psychedelics in controlled settings. But yeah, I was young and wanted to take everything to the extreme. 

 

Either way, all of this has lead me towards meditation, yoga etc.

 

I still have small hints of the passion here and there with guitar and I now relate this to a kind of spiritual experience in that everything else shuts off and I'm completely consumed - hours can go by, food is forgotten about and once I'm out of it my bladder seems to be more urgent than breathing. I think it's dzogchen described in the Tibetan book of living and dying - the moment before another thought rises. I'm not saying it is this thing, but it's the closest description I can relate the feeling to. 

 

Whichever of the above 3 I work on more, the other suffers and this results in guilt. (Don't even get me started on social/family - this is something I neglect too much. I'm on and off engaged with social/family but more off). I have really good relationships with people now also which took a very long time for me after the 'stint' as I used to be in my comfort zone surrounded by new faces but then was too scared to even look my parents in the eye - everything and everyone felt alien, or I felt like the alien.

 

Okay enough about my feelings...

 

Overall I always seem to have too much to do and too little time to accomplish it. Even recently during my current unemployment, I'm finding it hard to tackle all of the above, although it's still early days.

 

Goals from travel/routine

• More Ayahuasca + San Pedro.
• 5-MEO-DMT (hopefully).
• 1-2 hours daily Vipassana.
• 30-60 minutes self-inquiry.
• 30 minutes do nothing.
• Photograph and write about my experiences.
• 2 hours of guitar per day.
• Life purpose (not that I'll necessarily find it, more so just work on it as much as possible).
• Completely give up old eating habits (almost done!)
• Drop as much anxiety as possible (my main 'fear' is people - I still sometimes feel my voice shaking when talking to certain people but I try my best. I just know there's so much more I can do to completely be rid of this so it's not so demobilizing).
• Improve Spanish.
• Other more 'generic' goals (meet new people, volunteer in the Amazon, experience the culture, try foods, go on hikes look at sloths etc).

 

Meditation, self-inquiry etc will be on overdrive during the Ayahuasca sessions as I don't really plan on just laying around too much and I also don't want to be engaging too much in photography or guitar at this time (if at all).

 

To me the list seems pretty crammed and I'll need to adjust as I go along as there are a lot of things I want to see whilst I'm out there as well. This is kinda how my life has been for the past 5 years, since I started full-time work after university, leaving work with a lot of tension and anxiety then sometimes too tired to work, ie I've fallen asleep sitting up playing guitar multiple times. I noticed this the most on Saturdays where I had no commitments during the day or on Sunday. Finally, my mind could rest and I could focus on the task.

 

I get that I'm playing a victim here but nonetheless I've left my job and I have 4 months ahead of me to work on myself.

 

I've been watching Leo's videos on and off for a few years and have recently come back to the channel learning about non-duality which has sparked some serious interest. This being said, I thought this was a good place to ask this question amongst like-minded actualizers who may be able to advise me on any steps I can take to really take full advantage of this time as it may be the only time in my life I have this opportunity.

 

Thank you if you read my partial life biography. I could go on and on but I tried my best to stick to the main points.

[kindayellow]

Hobbies are modertatley healthy generally speaking, I wouldn't worry about your hobbies right now, just enjoy them. Unless of course it's neurotic, but I'm sure you'd be aware of that.

 

Forgive me for I skim read your story and picked up on certain parts but have you tried journaling? I find it super effective in trying to figure out an issue I'm dealing with. Because as I write, I'm sort of a hyper analytical state and it just works.

 

I'd also consider (in a journal) interviewing yourself. You can make up your own questions but it's equally as good to just Google some deep questions, or questions that you can really get into. That way I feel like I have a record of where I am mentally at that point in time and can disect what I wrote down and decide whether it's something I need to work on.

 

Have a fun trip!

 

[CreamCat]

If you are low on money, you can save travel expenses and spend more money on psychedelics.

[Karla]

Ok this is how I would look at it if I were you--  

This is A LOT, too much going on.

Focus on ONE thing because 4 months will fly by, especially packed with stuff. 4 months is a semester of school... A season.

4 months from now, what is it that you want to say you accomplished? Choose one thing that is worth it and go all in for it.

Then pour all efforts there and ditch the rest for later.

If you don't have a decent plan for money, that may steel your attention and taint your efforts/ actions-->   

If you're not worried about money then disregard this last part but if you are, just have a plan in place (your needs/ real budget/ job you KNOW you can easily hop back into later/ etc.). You don't want to be worrying about that.

Definitely journal and document your experience.

I have been reading Leo's retreat notes-- they are crazy good (zomg). If you read those you might make that 5 meo a priority instead of a maybe but pls decide from your gut.

Good Luck!!

Edited April 27, 2019 by Karla
Typo

[fryingLotus]

20 hours ago, kindayellow said:

Hobbies are modertatley healthy generally speaking, I wouldn't worry about your hobbies right now, just enjoy them. Unless of course it's neurotic, but I'm sure you'd be aware of that.

 

Forgive me for I skim read your story and picked up on certain parts but have you tried journaling? I find it super effective in trying to figure out an issue I'm dealing with. Because as I write, I'm sort of a hyper analytical state and it just works.

 

I'd also consider (in a journal) interviewing yourself. You can make up your own questions but it's equally as good to just Google some deep questions, or questions that you can really get into. That way I feel like I have a record of where I am mentally at that point in time and can disect what I wrote down and decide whether it's something I need to work on.

 

Have a fun trip!

 

Photography and guitar are both hobbies I guess but I see myself doing well with either one. I seem to be more drawn to guitar than photography, but photography is something I can much more easily begin making money with. I will 99% pick guitar and just have photography as a hobby I occasionally get work with - I would rather be a master at guitar than a master photographer.

But either way, thinking will probably be the most I think I will gain out of this, as well as the experience. Even now my mind just feels so much freer as I don't have work looming over me, sucking me dry of all energy and time.

I'm made a note to interview myself and journal. I think sometimes I'm not too comfortable with writing everything down in a notepad someone could just pick up and read so I'm going to stick all of this locked into evernote.

14 hours ago, CreamCat said:

If you are low on money, you can save travel expenses and spend more money on psychedelics.

Money is not too much of a big deal as I've been saving a while but I'm just going to spend as minimal as possible whilst I'm out there so yeah the rest on psychedelics ha. Time is the biggest factor - I didn't get much holiday at work but I feel in a better position of understanding now to explain to my partner in the future that I want to take 2 weeks off by myself to go on a solo retreat. 

 

13 hours ago, Karla said:

Ok this is how I would look at it if I were you--  

This is A LOT, too much going on.

Focus on ONE thing because 4 months will fly by, especially packed with stuff. 4 months is a semester of school... A season.

4 months from now, what is it that you want to say you accomplished? Choose one thing that is worth it and go all in for it.

Then pour all efforts there and ditch the rest for later.

If you don't have a decent plan for money, that may steel your attention and taint your efforts/ actions-->   

If you're not worried about money then disregard this last part but if you are, just have a plan in place (your needs/ real budget/ job you KNOW you can easily hop back into later/ etc.). You don't want to be worrying about that.

Definitely journal and document your experience.

I have been reading Leo's retreat notes-- they are crazy good (zomg). If you read those you might make that 5 meo a priority instead of a maybe but pls decide from your gut.

Good Luck!!

That's it, I don't want to blink and it's gone. It's been hard for me to accept that I need to drive focus into a single area as there are so many things I want to give 100% to but it's just not possible.

 

Do you have a link to the solo retreat notes?

 

5-MEO's not a maybe ha, it's a hopefully as I'm not sure how reliable my source is and Peru isn't meant to be big on using toad venom in this manner. Although I will do my best to speak to as many people as possible to see if anyone low key is offering it. Most of the curanderos out there just offer Sapo as I'm sure you're aware. 

I'm assuming there will be some gringos out there offering everything. I've also heard that there are gringos offering stronger Ayahuasca than the normal shamans, ie not a tourist dose to avoid freakouts. I'm going to speak to the shamans about this also as it's a shame being I've drunk Ayahuasca 11 times and I've not had a single 'breakthrough' experience, deep insight etc. Maybe it wasn't meant to be like that for me, but at the same time I've always taken a basic approach of potent brew = strong experience. Again though, a friend and I took mushrooms before, I had more than him and I only had mild effects. He on the other hand had almost a complete ego death (gone from this reality entirely but still was aware of who he was).

This is just something I've come to accept in that I can never know how an experience will turn out, but I'm hoping with my meditation practice that I can go deep regardless. 

[Forestluv]

@fryingLotus I took a similar voyage through South America for three months. It was highly transformative. 

I wish you the best along your travels. What unfolds is amazing.

[Karla]

21 hours ago, fryingLotus said:

Do you have a link to the solo retreat notes?

 

5-MEO's not a maybe ha, it's a hopefully as I'm not sure how reliable my source is and Peru isn't meant to be big on using toad venom in this manner. Although I will do my best to speak to as many people as possible to see if anyone low key is offering it. Most of the curanderos out there just offer Sapo as I'm sure you're aware. 

I'm assuming there will be some gringos out there offering everything. I've also heard that there are gringos offering stronger Ayahuasca than the normal shamans, ie not a tourist dose to avoid freakouts. I'm going to speak to the shamans about this also as it's a shame being I've drunk Ayahuasca 11 times and I've not had a single 'breakthrough' experience, deep insight etc. Maybe it wasn't meant to be like that for me, but at the same time I've always taken a basic approach of potent brew = strong experience. Again though, a friend and I took mushrooms before, I had more than him and I only had mild effects. He on the other hand had almost a complete ego death (gone from this reality entirely but still was aware of who he was).

This is just something I've come to accept in that I can never know how an experience will turn out, but I'm hoping with my meditation practice that I can go deep regardless. 

@fryingLotus here are the retreat notes: https://www.actualized.org/downloads/solo-retreat-notes-feb-2019.docx

Perhaps instead of having a single focus, you could have one MAIN goal to focus on and then let the other things you want to do flavor your focus.

If your focus is just to relax and be yourself without labels then you can perhaps just do all the things.

I did a similar trip a few years ago and it flew by, I really enjoyed my time though. I had a focus but I was super distracted from my goals. No regrets, just lessons and perhaps I am projecting my lessons onto your adventure.

I hope you achieve what you are desiring to experience on your break.

All of us need these breaks from the hustle bustle of life.

I wish you well, sounds pretty awesome!

[fryingLotus]

7 hours ago, Serotoninluv said:

@fryingLotus I took a similar voyage through South America for three months. It was highly transformative. 

I wish you the best along your travels. What unfolds is amazing.

I've not been very excited about the trip but this really shot a spark through me ha, thank you.

I'm generally quite neutral and don't get excited really (although am generally quite happy) which annoys my girlfriend a bit haha.

 

Needless to say this will hit me soon - not long to go now!

 

5 hours ago, Karla said:

@fryingLotus here are the retreat notes: https://www.actualized.org/downloads/solo-retreat-notes-feb-2019.docx

Perhaps instead of having a single focus, you could have one MAIN goal to focus on and then let the other things you want to do flavor your focus.

If your focus is just to relax and be yourself without labels then you can perhaps just do all the things.

I did a similar trip a few years ago and it flew by, I really enjoyed my time though. I had a focus but I was super distracted from my goals. No regrets, just lessons and perhaps I am projecting my lessons onto your adventure.

I hope you achieve what you are desiring to experience on your break.

All of us need these breaks from the hustle bustle of life.

I wish you well, sounds pretty awesome!

Thanks for that, I searched through the blog but all I found was a photo of Leo back in his prime with long hair and a bowling shirt.

 

That's it, a single focus. Mine will be (and is currently) to go deeper into my life purpose. As you can see I have too many (and there's more I haven't written down). It's hard but I'm confident I'll be able to move one to the top of my priorities and put the rest as hobbies as time goes on.

 

Acting without labels, I forgot about that. I've already been feeling this more since leaving my job and walking around as a civilian. There's so much of me that is structured by my job, some good and some bad. To be honest, thinking now I think I've completely underestimated how transformative this trip is going to be. 

What was your focus?

Oh for sure, I really feel as though I can't take squeezing everything into tiny time gaps anymore. I need time to think and act without worrying that I've only got 45 minutes before I need to sleep before work etc. I know this time will come again but this trip could not have come at a better time for me - I've had it in the back of my mind for almost 5 years and I've grown so much in this time that I think if I did go any earlier then I would not reap as many benefits as now.

This is easy to say though and in 10 years from now I will see again how little I knew.

[Forestluv]

@fryingLotus I usually don’t get excited until I’m immersed in the trip. I have a hard time getting excited by planning or imagining a trip. I need to actually be in the trip. 

[fryingLotus]

 

 

1

On 28/04/2019 at 11:34 PM, Serotoninluv said:

@fryingLotus I usually don’t get excited until I’m immersed in the trip. I have a hard time getting excited by planning or imagining a trip. I need to actually be in the trip. 

 

Yeah that's it. My girlfriend used to hate it as she'd see it as me not looking forward to anything. I'd try and explain that I'm just here in the now etc but still I get what she means. On the other hand, if there's something coming up I'm nervous about I will do everything in my power to prepare.

[Karla]

On 4/28/2019 at 6:34 PM, Serotoninluv said:

@fryingLotus I usually don’t get excited until I’m immersed in the trip. I have a hard time getting excited by planning or imagining a trip. I need to actually be in the trip. 

The day of the trip I get very excited he he!! Being on the voyage is exciting.

Your adventure will be kind of lots of little adventures.

 

My focus was to know me without everyone else's knowing of me tainting my perception. I felt like I was this person everyone knew but I didn't know me-- hard to explain. Basically to find myself and write he he.

It was super fun. Central America (Costa Rica, Panama & Nicaragua) is draw dropping beautiful.

[Forestluv]

37 minutes ago, Karla said:

My focus was to know me without everyone else's knowing of me tainting my perception. I felt like I was this person everyone knew but I didn't know me-- hard to explain. Basically to find myself and write he he.

Beautifully said. That makes solo trips profound and meaningful. ?