Sacred space

[mandyjw]

13 minutes ago, tsuki said:

I have broken ever single person in my life in order to toy with them.
I have mistaken that for love. My life is a lie.

That's not true.

I titled the journal "Is this journal mine or yours" because I knew we both had something that needed to be integrated and I had no idea who was teaching who. I tried to get the upper hand on a few occasions and you always pinned me down. That was a gift, a selfless sacrifice on your part. But you wouldn't fully accept or honor that I had anything to give. There were windows and openings but it was never logically acknowledged. That's why I had such a hard time feeling like I couldn't accept a gift, because I never got the full exchange I foresaw. As time passed the chasm grew wider. You wouldn't let go of the hierarchy. 

I played the part. Consciously, of my own free will. I was never your toy, neither was anyone else. There was never a hierarchy. 

 

Edited October 13, 2019 by mandyjw

[tsuki]

2 hours ago, mandyjw said:

But you wouldn't fully accept or honor that I had anything to give. There were windows and openings but it was never logically acknowledged. That's why I had such a hard time feeling like I couldn't accept a gift, because I never got the full exchange I foresaw. As time passed the chasm grew wider. You wouldn't let go of the hierarchy. 

What do you have to teach?
I cannot follow what feels good because I thought that I was doing that my whole life.
I don't know how to surrender to love. All I can do is to do things that make other people happy here and now.

[mandyjw]

 There are no other people tsuki. 

[DrewNows]

@tsuki Hey I know we haven't chatted much, but i have respect for you and feel like i can relate, so i'd like to just share some thoughts, whether you know it already or not, or find it of value. It was years ago when i just started my personal development journey that i was going through depression and was diagnosed bipolar depressed. I began taking medication and doing research, trying to define and understand myself. I asked my closest family (brother), if he thought i was a narcissist, because i was afraid i could be (he never admitted i was). In the past year i've come across attachment styles and then walked back into patterns of dependency and relations with the external world. You see my parent's were always heavily criticized by me and I wanted to fix nearly everyone i judged/saw to be imperfect.

Even after having awakenings i started trying to define myself as a "covert narcissist" because i fit some of the tendencies/behavioral patterns of manipulation and no boundaries. I dove deep into videos about the narcissist and really tried to accept and understand their role in a relationship. For years i have not trusted myself enough to think i could ever overcome such a terrible persona and this has kept me out of relationships because i had no self acceptance. But anyways, i learned we don't get to choose our default setting, nor does this pattern define us. My behavior has shifted depending on whatever type of person i am around because i feared to be me/to be accepted/to be rejected, and when i find myself judging others or myself i know it is the mind reverting back to it's default setting. Judging this keeps us locked in, so naturally love is the way. We are all one and having a scarcity mindset or feelings of separation is a choice to be conscious of, neither right or wrong, but working to actively retrain the subconscious to be an overflowing cup is possible (even if it comes with a lot of sadness, shame and regret), it's totally worth it 

Keep it up man (watch that bloody black and white thinking, it's so cunning)

[tsuki]

I don't know how to love. I have a rotting black hole in place of a heart.

Everywhere I look, it's all my own fault, my own choice. I had all the opportunities in the world to stop, but I didn't. There are no excuses.

I don't want to move on because I've been moving on too quickly with my devilry before. I did not want to face just how fucked up I am.

Why do people around me keep wanting me to move on? Move on where? My whole life is a self-constructed lie. All of it. Every single drop. 

[mandyjw]

Tsuki, that's just the nature of the ego. Everyone's ego is a narcissist and our lives are lies. It isn't personal. I watch mine play out daily as I purify and love it through its fight. Loving acceptance and conciousness are the only way, just observing as if you are the author of your life, is the only way to see it and change the direction of the story. We know how to see straight through your story and what we see is brilliant and worthy of love. What we see is ourselves in you. You may have a lot of work in front of you to integrate this in your marriage and day to day life and interactions. This is when the real benefits of this work will unfold and become integrated. This is when true courage is called for. Will you take the apple? 

[DrewNows]

2 hours ago, tsuki said:

I don't know how to love.

Good start. Anyone who claims to have the "how to" when it comes to love is fooling themselves. but i guess i'd think of love as being a constant transformation by taking responsibility 

2 hours ago, tsuki said:

Everywhere I look, it's all my own fault, my own choice. I had all the opportunities in the world to stop, but I didn't. There are no excuses.

 

of course it's your fault, it's your reality

what is done is done and it happened because it happened (couldn't have been any other way) 

2 hours ago, tsuki said:

I don't want to move on because I've been moving on too quickly with my devilry before. I did not want to face just how fucked up I am.

rather than move on why not 'move in' (sounds like you do now  ) 

2 hours ago, tsuki said:

Why do people around me keep wanting me to move on? Move on where? My whole life is a self-constructed lie. All of it. Every single drop

you're not any different than anyone else, you get to choose how you want to frame the self constructed lie

[remember]

@tsuki  hey, sorry i didn`t follow the conversation like i used to do that before. i realized that you have a manipura problem long ago. you probably are a person with a lot of pitta energy. if you want any more book recommendations i would recommend you to read "true love" from thich nhat hanh. it`s a very thin book, you can read it in a short while, but maybe you could stick with it, and just read it more often. the traveling as a shapeshifter is nice for a while but at some point your form starts to vanish, you start to dissolve and the illusion of you and the true you are maybe not coherent with what others percive of you anymore. remember what really counts! all this bullshitting about you being "just" a spiritual being makes you really want to be that because that`s where you feel good in, but it is a lie if you forget the nature of your surrounding - sometimes people have to tell us hard truths, i`m going through some similar awakenings since a while. i`m not sure if you are a narcissist, narcissism is usually held up by putting others down because the ego can`t accept being on a low hirarchical level or feels devalued verry fast and then can only maintain its position by devaluing others. i`m not sure if that`s the problem with you. what about simple chauvinism? or machiavellianism? maybe you need to search a little more - but be aware that every doctor usually suffers of hipochondria when learning about illnesses. maybe you just go more openly into the next meeting with the psychologist and find yourself one who can manipulate you better than you can manipulate him.

agression problems and hirarchical problems are always red, i`m sure you are going through a phase where you observe these aspects about yourself to figure out how to coap with agressions/frustration - focus on that first. it`s not a walk in the park, it can take years. but a psychologist who treats you alone could help you target that goal over a longer period of time.

Edited October 13, 2019 by remember

[tsuki]

@DrewNows Thank you. I was always giving you the silent treatment, I don't know why.

You're saying that I get to choose the self-constructed lie, but how do I do that so I don't hurt the ones I care about? I don't have the luxury of being out of relationship. It's not my choice after what I've done.

@mandyjw Yes, I will take the apple.

@remember Thank you. Everybody has always been telling me exactly what's wrong, but I chose not to listen. I don't know why.

[tsuki]

3 hours ago, tsuki said:

I don't have the luxury of being out of relationship.

This is so insensitive. I'm sorry @DrewNows

3 hours ago, tsuki said:

It's not my choice after what I've done.

This is an excuse. I'm afraid.

[remember]

4 hours ago, tsuki said:

Thank you. Everybody has always been telling me exactly what's wrong, but I chose not to listen. I don't know why.

because we have blindspots, a little like the man who mistook his wife for a hat, but that regarding ourselfs.

[mandyjw]

2 hours ago, remember said:

because we have blindspots, a little like the man who mistook his wife for a hat, but that regarding ourselfs.

We are all here to help each other see those blind spots but it can only occur in a space of love. That's why I thought that Abraham Hicks quote was so powerful, we aren't here to teach one another lessons, we're here to help spark insights in one another. Sometimes those seem to be intentionally orchestrated and sometimes they are completely accidental. The hierarchy of teacher and student, intentional or unintentional has to disappear for real insight or growth to occur. 

[DrewNows]

7 hours ago, tsuki said:

@DrewNows Thank you. I was always giving you the silent treatment, I don't know why.

Yes perhaps, seemingly, it is we have nothing much to offer one another

You're saying that I get to choose the self-constructed lie, but how do I do that so I don't hurt the ones I care about? I don't have the luxury of being out of relationship. It's not my choice after what I've done.

you can choose you, the real you, there's a core belief unavailable to perception, and this affects all relationships, not just with people (i am not my mind, it is a tool, start trusting Me)

whether you've seen this or not, i recommend a watch! I just watched part of it, so good. This will probably give you the answers you seek 

4 hours ago, tsuki said:

This is so insensitive. I'm sorry @DrewNows

This is an excuse. I'm afraid.

didn't find it insensitive, it's healthy to express yourself, especially your feelings. I have found that watching my authenticity has been what has allowed me to grow the most, the game continues on so i choose to live it fully 

 

Edited October 14, 2019 by DrewNows

[DrewNows]

What a gem ? (reminder) this clip is 

 

[remember]

@tsuki  i know how everyone is giving tips and such it`s really nice and such and all the vids and such and all the models and such and all the different perspectives. but tsuki who counts? stop letting others bullshitting yourself, these are all nice concepts, don`t get distracted again from what is important. it`s nice to listen to all these soothing theories that are not manufactured for our actual problems and just diffuse the real issue again. this forum is an addiction we better get that into our heads. letting go of it once brought me further to myself, all these nice pretty stories and pahantasy person we created just distract us from really listening inside. if you really care for that body you are, not your immaginary body not your mind story, stop getting confused with where the answers must come from, you will not find them here, no one really cares for your relationship if you don`t do. and if you would brake apart everyone would just say accept the now, let go. what you then really do is giving yourself up, no tsuki you don`t accept it, but you can not change it, or can you? you probably know what that means: COMMITMENT not a lot of people here get how to commit really to others in their direct experience it starts with commitment to yourself. i`m sick of this purple washing everywhere. love the blindspot, the bunny didn`t come from nothing. start working on it, forget who tsuki is, it`s not what you are! it`s only one identity you have to let go. what is real about it, will not vanish because of that. it will probably grow.

i`m here for you because you really need that advice, don`t be afraid throwing it away with all its 3,671 posts.

Edited October 14, 2019 by remember

[Bill W]

Hang in there man. You've been real supportive of me so would like to be here for you. You are winning on authenticity right now for sure! This thread has turned into a confessional. 

I've had plenty of "oh wait, maybe I'm just the worlds biggest asshole" moments lately. 

[tsuki]

I'm a dead husk that wants to live. I want to live. 
All I can do is to either please myself with others, or please others by whoring myself out. 
There is a lifetime of lies and I'm desperate for connection. I want to feel. I want to desire. I don't know how.
 

[mandyjw]

God, the moon has been beautiful these past few nights, I'm supposed to be meditating but it's staring at me right now through the window.

What is the meaning of your avatar again? Didn't nowisforever draw it? 

Before all of this happened and whether it was good or bad or even happened at all, I sat down and wrote out a list of things I wanted. It was after reading the surrendered/empowered wife book, and before that book desire was a dirty word to me. There was one thing that came out of the list, or rather came out of myself turning that mode back on again that floored me, "I want to move away" and the universe emphatically said "NO". Out of that practice also came watching lana del rey music videos with no understanding of why, and making youtube videos about spirituality, which drew me to the forum. 

There were two lists, one was small things I wanted to do during the day to raise my mood and take care of myself and take responsibility for my own happiness. The other was big wants and desires in life.

If you want, make a list or two with pen and paper be completely honest, show no one. 

[remember]

2 hours ago, mandyjw said:

What is the meaning of your avatar again?

it is a reenterpretation of the enso by yamada mummon it means moon. but what it says is not what it is pointing towards.

Edited October 15, 2019 by remember

[mandyjw]

45 minutes ago, remember said:

it is a reenterpretation of the enso by yamada mummon it means moon. but what it says is not what it is pointing towards.

I always assumed it meant open or something like it, I'm not sure why I remembered it that way. I feel like my memory has turned into the ultimate trickster. 

Here's something else I think I remember, tsuki means thrust and nahm means take. 

@remember What does it mean to remember?