Sacred space

[mandyjw]

Unconscious patterns hurt those we are closest to and love the most the worst. Your wife is you. 

Edited October 10, 2019 by mandyjw

[remember]

2 hours ago, tsuki said:

No, it's not ok! I was traumatizing my wife by playing out my childhood traumas unconsciously!
WHAT THE FUCK!

awareness comes first, doesn`t it? the network of our psyche reaches deep, sometimes into history sometimes into space sometimes into our own bodies of fears and create new connections of karma within us and within others. you know you have the right one if you can talk about it with her and you both are able to untangle the karmik reappearence of incidents, make peace with the past and figure out a way to protect what is there to protect for each other. that`s the law of peacemaking protect what there is to protect. there is just one and there are many.

[tsuki]

7 minutes ago, remember said:

awareness comes first, doesn`t it? the network of our psyche reaches deep, sometimes into history sometimes into space sometimes into our own bodies of fears and create new connections of karma within us and within others. you know you have the right one if you can talk about it with her and you both are able to untangle the karmik reappearence of incidents, make peace with the past and figure out a way to protect what is there to protect for each other. that`s the law of peacemaking protect what there is to protect. there is just one and there are many.

That's exactly what was happening over the past two days. We truly love each other.

I have a very deep fear of violating my boundaries. My parents used to do that A LOT and I learned to escalate.
I am a misogynist because I had many unfortunate events regarding females in my childhood and I don't feel that they are trustworthy.
Some of these memories are about my mother being very unjust and using physical violence against me. This is an ancestral wound, her parents did the same thing to her brother and he used to bully her.

[remember]

12 minutes ago, tsuki said:

That's exactly what was happening over the past two days. We truly love each other.

I have a very deep fear of violating my boundaries. My parents used to do that A LOT and I learned to escalate.
I am a misogynist because I had many unfortunate events regarding females in my childhood and I don't feel that they are trustworthy.
Some of these memories are about my mother being very unjust and using physical violence against me. This is an ancestral wound, her parents did the same thing to her brother and he used to bully her.

the male and female painbody are one in the end it doesn`t matter from which side it came from, it doesn`t really matter who started it, it matters for you because of the personal relation where the agression came from. what really matters is where it ends, if love can`t end it what else can?

Edited October 10, 2019 by remember

[tsuki]

@remember Yes, thank you. I'll keep working on it.

[tsuki]

I lived my life by harming and manipulating others in order to avoid being the victim of traumas. In order to do that, I became something that is capable of greater harm than the monsters that tormented me.

I feel disgusted, angry and terrified.

Edited October 11, 2019 by tsuki

[tsuki]

I am a narcissist.

[Bill W]

23 minutes ago, tsuki said:

I am a narcissist.

I think the vast, vast, vast, vast amount of us are on the scale somewhere. I think the key is to keep it as low as possible. I'm on the scale. It's a bitter pill to swallow. 

You don't come across high on the narcissist scale to me. That you are referring to yourself as one helps reduce your narcissist score and hopefully stop it climbing. 

The below helps me come back to the reality of some of my problems and why I am the way I am sometimes (i.e. the narcissist in me). This video helps ground me, at least for a while!

 

Edited October 11, 2019 by Bill W
Humility

[Zigzag Idiot]

 @Bill W Powerful message,,,, Thank you.

I'm a narcissist as well. There is nowhere to hide.

Today, like every other day, we wake up empty and frightened.... Let the beauty we love be what we do. ~Rumi, as interpreted by Coleman Barks

 

[tsuki]

2 hours ago, Bill W said:

You don't come across high on the narcissist scale to me. That you are referring to yourself as one helps reduce your narcissist score and hopefully stop it climbing. 

Believe me, I didn't come across as high on the narcissist scale to myself as well.
The problem is that this place is easy to manipulate and you don't see just how angry and frightening I can come across in person.
The truth is that I'm not talking about my marriage in any detail in here. It's horrifying.

Edited October 11, 2019 by tsuki

[mandyjw]

I as the absence of me have had the privilege to see you for the perfect brilliant being that you are. I as Mandy have seen the other as well. 

I chose to see one version and not the other, because I am able to do so. You can chose to do the same.

Your inner being never looks back. 

Focus on who it is that you are, who you are seemingly becoming, focus on the light that is revealed when what was clouding it is removed. 

You are brilliant after all Tsuki. 

[tsuki]

I appreciate that all of you are trying to comfort me, but this is not just my imagination, or choice of perception.
We went to couples therapy session and I had a shouting contest with the therapist, he said that I'm using emotional violence against my wife, that I treat her like a dog, that I will start hitting her in a year and that we should get a divorce. He was scared that I will hit my wife after we leave the session and reassured her that he will help her if she calls him. THIS WAS A FIRST SESSION!

Either he's being serious or this is an incredibly cruel scare tactic to get me to cooperate. 
I was observing how I manipulate others in how he was manipulating me.
I am projecting my misogyny onto my wife and using pop-psychology to "fix" her.
I have no concept of boundaries and personal space and I am using nonduality to justify it.
I am treating people instrumentally, as a way to get my needs met. I have authority issues.
And all of this happens when I lose my temper and I get angry A LOT. This is fucking dangerous.

I'm a loaded gun ready to go off.

Edited October 11, 2019 by tsuki

[tsuki]

What's even more twisted is that this very therapist used to counsel my wife a year ago and I'm using that fact to question his objectivity in my own defense!
WHAT THE FUCK TSUKI?! WHO ARE YOU?

Edited October 11, 2019 by tsuki

[mandyjw]

No one is saying that this is your imagination or choice of perception. Before you can treat a wound you must acknowledge that it's there. Then you treat it in whatever way is necessary based on the severity of it, but the actual healing happens on its own. 

Keep in mind the analogy that Leo used in his most recent video. Enlightenment is not a single mountain that you can climb, it's a whole fucking mountain range. You've been going around comparing your progress with your wife's and others here based on the high mountain you're sitting on the peak of, not realizing that others have explored different parts of the mountain range that you were ignoring as unimportant the whole time. This is not the time to throw nonduality out the window, but it is time to scan the horizon and finally come down from the peak of that single mountain you've mastered and explore the rest of the range. 

Edited October 11, 2019 by mandyjw

[tsuki]

I thought that I love my wife more than anything in my entire life and I used that to justify being a fucking animal. I don't know what love is anymore. I don't know what I am.

Edited October 11, 2019 by tsuki

[mandyjw]

You can't know what love is. You can become it though. 

[tsuki]

https://www.verywellmind.com/understanding-the-covert-narcissist-4584587

[tsuki]

I'm not green. I'm red.
I'm the Donald Trump of Actualized.org.

Edited October 13, 2019 by tsuki

[mandyjw]

This is an interesting discussion in hindsight.

 

[tsuki]

I have broken ever single person in my life in order to toy with them.
I have mistaken that for love. My life is a lie.