I'm waking up and consequently I feel like I've gone insane...

[leintdav000]

So, I had a really hard upbringing, and at 17 I woke the F*ck up! I mean 0-100--I was not prepared... The curtains of reality were lifted, I broke through my ego and discovered my no-self-- essence-- and felt like I woke up from the dream of life: Who am I; what am I; where am I, when am I? I was experiencing extreme synchronicity and the most unbelievably, profound, vivid lucid dreams I've ever experienced... every night I'd awake in these sleep paralysis psychedelic adventures where I'd be caught in these cycles of traveling and lucid dreaming in bizarre dreams--I don't even nowhere to begin explaining this... I sort of feel like nothing is real anymore... I went through a year of extreme "spiritual psychosis and depersonalization". I've since recovered from this, but I still don't buy into reality... I just laugh, marvel, and cry at how unbelievable perplexed, inspired, and disturbed I am at the human experience. It feels like I woke up in the dream of life and I'm just walking through it absolutely stunned... I don't feel fear, anxiety, depression anymore; in fact, I'm the most confident I've ever been! It's hard to be scared of things when it feels like you woke up in the dream: that big scary thing chasing you wasn't real, you were just dreaming. I'm 19 right now and a freshman in college. I've never talked to anyone about this before because I'm afraid I'd be sent off to a mental institution. Lately, I've really realized that nothing out in the external is going to fulfill me: no women; no amount of friends; no amount of money; no amount of status, nothing! I feel like this external world--as perplexing and beautiful as it is--is a barren wasteland for me... there's nothing out there. My soul is calling for an authentic purpose and vision for my life!

 

I'm really posting this because I'm experiencing an extreme amount of cognitive dissonance...

-half of me is worried about my friends and relationships; the other half couldn't give a rats @ss!

-Part of me is worried about my studies; the other half laughs at these ridiculous classes... what a joke

-Part of me worries about women, sex, and relationships; the other half my soul calls me away from them... for now.

It's hard to be a serious student, good friend, and partner, when you feel like nothing, is real and it's all a big joke, lol. "The human drama."

Help a brother out! 

[zeroISinfinity]

Feeling exactly like you. Here is how my day goes. Go to work, return from it, clean house, cook, eat go to gym. Return home meditate in closed room. And sleep maybe visit forum during meditation breaks. If someone calls me to do stuff I go but that's pretty much it. 

[Farnaby]

5 hours ago, leintdav000 said:

So, I had a really hard upbringing, and at 17 I woke the F*ck up! I mean 0-100--I was not prepared... The curtains of reality were lifted, I broke through my ego and discovered my no-self-- essence-- and felt like I woke up from the dream of life: Who am I; what am I; where am I, when am I? I was experiencing extreme synchronicity and the most unbelievably, profound, vivid lucid dreams I've ever experienced... every night I'd awake in these sleep paralysis psychedelic adventures where I'd be caught in these cycles of traveling and lucid dreaming in bizarre dreams--I don't even nowhere to begin explaining this... I sort of feel like nothing is real anymore... I went through a year of extreme "spiritual psychosis and depersonalization". I've since recovered from this, but I still don't buy into reality... I just laugh, marvel, and cry at how unbelievable perplexed, inspired, and disturbed I am at the human experience. It feels like I woke up in the dream of life and I'm just walking through it absolutely stunned... I don't feel fear, anxiety, depression anymore; in fact, I'm the most confident I've ever been! It's hard to be scared of things when it feels like you woke up in the dream: that big scary thing chasing you wasn't real, you were just dreaming. I'm 19 right now and a freshman in college. I've never talked to anyone about this before because I'm afraid I'd be sent off to a mental institution. Lately, I've really realized that nothing out in the external is going to fulfill me: no women; no amount of friends; no amount of money; no amount of status, nothing! I feel like this external world--as perplexing and beautiful as it is--is a barren wasteland for me... there's nothing out there. My soul is calling for an authentic purpose and vision for my life!

 

I'm really posting this because I'm experiencing an extreme amount of cognitive dissonance...

-half of me is worried about my friends and relationships; the other half couldn't give a rats @ss!

-Part of me is worried about my studies; the other half laughs at these ridiculous classes... what a joke

-Part of me worries about women, sex, and relationships; the other half my soul calls me away from them... for now.

It's hard to be a serious student, good friend, and partner, when you feel like nothing, is real and it's all a big joke, lol. "The human drama."

Help a brother out! 

Hi. sorry to hear what you're going through. I've felt similar to how you feel at some points in my life. What I noticed is that those kinds of thoughts and worries were not much different from any other thought. In my experience this kind of cognitive dissonance appears as we try to use our rational mind to make sense of the world and then we get attached to those thoughts. It probably has something to do (at least in my case) with the fear of completely surrendering to the flow of life. 

Why do I think this? Well, at least in my experience, when I've felt this way, what has helped is stop clinging to those thoughts and just try to be as present as I can. Usually, when I "do" this, there's no more cognitive dissonance, it's like both polarities (for example "Relationships don't matter in the bigger picture" vs. "Relationships are important for me") get integrated and I just accept that both are true. Alan Watts speaks of a similar idea when he says that Zen masters used to tell students that suffering arises from desire and then the students tried to get rid of desire, only to discover that it's not possible to get rid of desire. 

What I'm trying to say is it seems to me that you discovered the other side of the coin (the illusion of what we perceive as real) and you're rejecting the side you were used to (when studies, women, sex, friendships, etc., seemed important to you). 

Have you tried meditating when this happens and try to drop any belief and just accept the flow of life? I know it's easier said than done, but it helped me a lot. 

I hope this is useful for you  

[Aeris]

You need nothing,

but in the meantime you can and should do a lot of things ! Nothing will fullfil you but the experience. It's a paradox though, you'll want to do things, and you need to play fair the game

[OctagonOctopus]

Ask yourself what do I want to create in this life? What do I love the most about existence? Look around, what problems do you see in this world? Then ask yourself how can use the things I love to change the world for the better? If you don't know what you love, get out there and try more things, always be trying new things.  Create a grand visualization for your life, think big, step outside what you think is possible. Then use this visualization to motivate you to climb the mountains you need to climb to actualize this visualization. 

[seeking_brilliance]

@OctagonOctopus hey I'm curious why you chose that user name and if you know what octopus symbolizes? 

[zeroISinfinity]

27 minutes ago, OctagonOctopus said:

Ask yourself what do I want to create in this life? What do I love the most about existence? Look around, what problems do you see in this world? Then ask yourself how can use the things I love to change the world for the better? If you don't know what you love, get out there and try more things, always be trying new things.  Create a grand visualization for your life, think big, step outside what you think is possible. Then use this visualization to motivate you to climb the mountains you need to climb to actualize this visualization. 

One created all these "problems" created you Who see problems in world created your grande vision created existance itself. So arent that Just chasing your own tale? Some of us Just want end of this. 

[OctagonOctopus]

17 minutes ago, zeroISinfinity said:

One created all these "problems" created you Who see problems in world created your grande vision created existance itself. So arent that Just chasing your own tale? Some of us Just want end of this. 

Yes of course we want an end to the circle of chasing 'problems', but with materialism and all the asleep people running around in this world consuming, and consuming, and consuming we need people with high-consciousness life purposes to do things to counter act this. Ultimately yes, everything you do is chasing your own tail.  Ultimately yes, you/ I created all these 'problems'. Don't get stuck in thinking that because everything is an illusion that you shouldn't do anything to try and wake up the world.     

Edited April 25, 2019 by OctagonOctopus

[zeroISinfinity]

29 minutes ago, OctagonOctopus said:

Yes of course we want an end to the circle of chasing 'problems', but with materialism and all the asleep people running around in this world consuming, and consuming, and consuming we need people with high-consciousness life purposes to do things to counter act this. Ultimately yes, everything you do is chasing your own tail.  Ultimately yes, you/ I created all these 'problems'. Don't get stuck in thinking that because everything is an illusion that you shouldn't do anything to try and wake up the world.     

1 hour ago, OctagonOctopus said:

Ask yourself what do I want to create in this life? What do I love the most about existence? Look around, what problems do you see in this world? Then ask yourself how can use the things I love to change the world for the better? If you don't know what you love, get out there and try more things, always be trying new things.  Create a grand visualization for your life, think big, step outside what you think is possible. Then use this visualization to motivate you to climb the mountains you need to climb to actualize this visualization. 

 

29 minutes ago, OctagonOctopus said:

Yes of course we want an end to the circle of chasing 'problems', but with materialism and all the asleep people running around in this world consuming, and consuming, and consuming we need people with high-consciousness life purposes to do things to counter act this. Ultimately yes, everything you do is chasing your own tail.  Ultimately yes, you/ I created all these 'problems'. Don't get stuck in thinking that because everything is an illusion that you shouldn't do anything to try and wake up the world.     

That's how the cults starts.Less you do better the existance becomes. One Devil less. I have chosen to disengage and gone with minimalism in life. No desires no needs. Waiting death of this form. End of dream. 

[Peo]

8 hours ago, leintdav000 said:

So, I had a really hard upbringing, and at 17 I woke the F*ck up! I mean 0-100--I was not prepared... The curtains of reality were lifted, I broke through my ego and discovered my no-self-- essence-- and felt like I woke up from the dream of life: Who am I; what am I; where am I, when am I?

I wish this will one day happen to me and not just a small awakening, but like from 0-100

[OctagonOctopus]

35 minutes ago, zeroISinfinity said:

 

That's how the cults starts.Less you do better the existance becomes. One Devil less. I have chosen to disengage and gone with minimalism in life. No desires no needs. Waiting death of this form. End of dream. 

I agree, minimalism, no desires, no needs, just living in this moment, being one with nature. That is the way to go. You are leading by example.

Edited April 25, 2019 by OctagonOctopus

[zeroISinfinity]

Leading Who? You do realize that you are all alone all the time always. This lifestyle is nothing more then healing myself from all illusions. Since you can only live/appear and be inside of illusion and you can only be Devil in it since you are not real. 

It's a huge blow to the mind therefore depersonalization and derealization. I suffer from it for last 2  or3 years. 

 

Edited April 25, 2019 by zeroISinfinity

[Aeris]

1 hour ago, zeroISinfinity said:

 

That's how the cults starts.Less you do better the existance becomes. One Devil less. I have chosen to disengage and gone with minimalism in life. No desires no needs. Waiting death of this form. End of dream. 

what is the problem with cult.

I walk in a dream, and I need companion whatever, may the strongest win.

You all justify your own misery by feeding the non living experience with empty fantasy and fiction. the fiction of non fiction as truth.

 

[zeroISinfinity]

There are no problems. Who said so. Enjoy your life. 

[leintdav000]

@seeking_brilliance it was a random username my high school generated for me, haha nothing fancy or deep