One last shot

[Paul92]

I need to make huge changes but I hope, after everything, some of you guys here can help me. 

I've deleted all my social media and actually changed my phone number. I feel a huge sense of relief. It's weird. Like, I don't want to be Paul anymore. I don't want my friends or anything anymore. Not that I dislike them, I just want to be alone because it feels like a relief..

I loved my job. But I think it is time for a change. Perhaps I need something where I can just turn up and work on myself then leave. Maybe a call center or something. 

What would anyone advise? 

I meditated this morning. Trying to just watch the breathe. It was bloody tough. Constant bombardment of thoughts. I even went into a bit of a dream at times but came back. Before I knew it, I'd done it for 50 minutes. 

I'm tired of thinking. I'm just not thinking. Ignore all thoughts and just following my nose... Feeling a weird sense of relief. Not sure what it is, but it's there. 

[Buba]

I was exactly like this one year ago. I did not feel myself. Depersonalization, derealization, fear, panic attacks, depression, agony, dysphoria and etc. Was a real hell. I had no hope. I thought there was no chance to recover. I gave up meditation. Started antidepressants again. (I had used them before). My parents forced me to go to work and that was a good thing. I went out of my "Enlightenment" thoughts and started to get involved in life. And... when I was coming home from work walking and felt bliss, peace and the things which were making me suffer, such as meaninglessness, emptiness were now giving me bliss, freedom. But it was temporary  for several days. Then same life (before Dark Night) restarted.

Now I am reading Daniel Ingram's book "Mastering the core teachings of the Buddha". He says there are stages in Vipassana. Dark Night is the one you are experiencing now. He recommends keeping practicing.  This is from his book:

Quote

Resolve Thus:

I have recently crossed the A&P and I know this by the many directly experienced signs of that stage.

Now I am feeling highly reactive and negative about things that I ordinarily can handle with more balance and clarity. I know that much of this is due to the inevitable stages that tend to highlight and exaggerate suffering that follow the A&P.

I realize that I am in a less than ideal position to deal skillfully with the personal issues that are driving me crazy, since I am likely to project the suffering from the illusion of duality and the odd side effects of the Dark Night onto people and issues.

I have been warned by master meditators who have successfully navigated this territory that projecting my stuff out onto phenomena is an extremely bad idea (and an even worse experience), and I have faith that those meditators know what they are talking about.

Even if these issues seem very real and valid, I am likely to blow them way out of proportion and not be able to bring balance, compassion, or kindness to resolving them.

By contracting into my own reactive misery and confusion, I could easily and unnecessarily hurt others and myself.

Thus, I resolve to keep my darkness to myself, tell only those who are skilled in navigating Dark Night territory, or otherwise share it in a way that protects others and does not project it out onto my world and them.

This way, I will spare those around me needless suffering which they do not deserve.

In short, I will use the meditation map theory to keep the reins on my dark stuff and deal with it in ways that are known to help rather than harm.

I will make time for insight practices and retreats during which I will simply see the true nature of the sensations of whatever arises, however difficult, painful, extreme, or compelling, and not indulge in the spin cycle of ruminating on content for one skinny minute.

I affirm that doing this is within the scope of my strength, capacity, and power.

In this way, I will be able to navigate this territory skillfully and not damage the fragile and therefore precious relationships and routines of my daily life.

Should I fail, I will actively seek counsel or help from those who are skilled in guiding others to maintain a healthy perspective in the face of Dark Night issues until I can traverse the insight stages of the Dark Night as recommended by clear sensate investigation of my immediate experience.

When I have attained to the first stage of awakening (or the next stage of awakening), that will be a great time to see how much of my negativity was valid and how much was due to my own lack of clarity and the side effects of the stages associated with the Dark Night.

From that place of clarity, I will be much more likely to address those aspects of my life and character that really do need addressing and attending to and be able to dismiss those paper tigers that I have created for myself.

By not trying to take on all of this at once, that is, by gaining deep insights before tackling the personal issues, I am more likely to lead the happy and wise life I wish for myself and others.

I will attain to both liberating insights and insights into my issues, and this will be of great benefit to myself and all beings.

One of the primary reasons that I wrote this book was to provide this important resolution. I myself and those I love have suffered needlessly and sometimes profoundly from failure to follow this resolution. Were you hearing me say these things to you in person, you would see tears in my eyes right now and hear me choking up with sorrow as I recall those past events and reflect on what is happening around me as I write this. I beg you, for the sake of all that is good in this world, please make every effort to heed this advice.

 

Edited April 23, 2019 by Buba

[OBEler]

@Paul Almost everybody says this, sadghuru for example, leo also. I have my own personal experience also. Another example from an interesting interview lately posted in this forum: 

So reality is a paradox, not logical.I think your logical conclusons limit you. Your little human brain cannot grasp reality with logic. Furthermore you hold on false beliefes which seems so true for you right now, It will pass. Because truth will at the end destroy false beliefs. So count on that there is truth out there which is too good to be true, you just did not realized it yet

Your kundalini may be activated. I highly recommend the kundalini book I told you. The process is well defined, after dark nights there is bliss. but then some dark nights come again, but I think you went really through the hardest part so it will be better. Many tips are there how to endure dark nights

Welcome the dark nights, you will grow A LOT when you go out of it and you will be rewarded so keep going, So much change right now in your life, that is a good sign

 

[Nicachi]

@Paul92@Paul92@Paul92@Paul92     "I" feel "you" ... 

[Guest]

Please, Paul, take a complete break from spiritual seeking and non duality for a while, and focus on your mental health. Professional help, mental health services, samaritans, a support network, daily exercise, healthy diet, lots of things may help. I also live in the UK and used to work with suicidal people daily. If you were to contact a mental health crisis team you would not get sectioned merely for being suicidal - it doesn't work like that. They might offer you a safe space overnight and would work on a plan together with you to manage your mental health and offer to link you in with support services. Sending you love and strength.

[Forestluv]

This is an old thread and the OP hasn't visited the forum for months.