One last shot

[Paul92]

Just been on Facebook for the first time since Thursday. The girl I was with... we split up 3 weeks ago. She's now in a relationship with another guy. Photos of them together etc.

No words

Final kick in the balls

Goodbye.

[Paul92]

Completely and utterly broken.

No words.

Nothing.

Just kill me. Please someone kill me. I fuckin beg. Give me strength to kill myself. I am utterly utterly broken.

Literally can't even move.

Just cant even do anything.

I want to die right now but I cant even bring myself to move.

Broken.

Fuck this.

[Nahm]

@Mikael89 Who dis? 

Just kiddin.  Loving your attitude man. 

@Paul92 OMG the nerve of some people. Moving on with her life and finding happiness. Who does she think she is!? 

Maybe you created the belief you need her or someone for you to be happy? You don’t, but that’s a tough belief, a tough attachment to let go of.  You can do it though. The direct route would be to forgive her and forgive yourself, and to wish her happiness. You don’t have to carry such weight. You can put it down. Listen to your emotions.  They’re telling there is an issue with your chosen perspective. 

[Rilles]

40 minutes ago, Paul92 said:

Completely and utterly broken.

No words.

Nothing.

Just kill me. Please someone kill me. I fuckin beg. Give me strength to kill myself. I am utterly utterly broken.

Literally can't even move.

Just cant even do anything.

I want to die right now but I cant even bring myself to move.

Broken.

Fuck this.

good... stay there and feel the peace behind your closed eyelids... dont do anything rash... just be... those emotions you are feeling are not you

[Shaun]

When you say that the emotions are not me, that's not entirely true because even the emotions appear within and are thus made of consciousness.

@Paul92 Please surrender fully to these emotions and feel them consciously, let go and rest for as long as you need to.

[Jkris]

@Nahm @Nahm @Paul92 @Mikael89that possessiveness that jealousy hatred killing rage hurt Male ego sense of helplessness and a burning  sensation in the abdomen.Not easy.Paul dear one single conviction just forget her.Not saying it is easy.Take some anti depressant sleeping pill and go to sleep.

Else time will heal your wound.like Nahm said forgive and forget her.Thats the best remedy.

Unfollow her in Facebook.

This too will pass.sooner you accept sooner you will be all right.

 

[Paul92]

I don't have the words.

Like, I can't even be bothered killing myself. My head is just a void.

I don't wish her any harm. I never wish anyone any harm. I'm just hurt. Well, my ego is, I suppose. Still, it don't feel nice.

I've just deleted all my social media and text my boss at work that I think I'm going to use the time off to find another job. Just to get them off my back at least.

What do I do?

Do I end it?

Or do I get a job alone. Driving maybe. I like driving. Driving trucks. That'd be nice. Live a simple life, alone. I don't want friends anymore. I don't want girls.

My head is completely mashed. @Nahm I have never thought I need someone to be happy. People don't. I was single for years and never been happier. But when I was with her, I grew to love her. And she tells me she needs time alone... to figure out what she wants. 3 weeks later... boom. People commenting "Oh finally its out in the open".

Im such an idiot haha. Maybe I had to learn the hard way. Dont love anything, cos it'll bite you in the arse. It's my issue, I get that. I don't wish her any ill will, whatsoever. Good luck to her. I guess I am disappointed in myself now.

 

[Shaun]

13 minutes ago, Paul92 said:

I don't have the words.

Like, I can't even be bothered killing myself. My head is just a void.

I don't wish her any harm. I never wish anyone any harm. I'm just hurt. Well, my ego is, I suppose. Still, it don't feel nice.

I've just deleted all my social media and text my boss at work that I think I'm going to use the time off to find another job. Just to get them off my back at least.

What do I do?

Do I end it?

Or do I get a job alone. Driving maybe. I like driving. Driving trucks. That'd be nice. Live a simple life, alone. I don't want friends anymore. I don't want girls.

My head is completely mashed. @Nahm I have never thought I need someone to be happy. People don't. I was single for years and never been happier. But when I was with her, I grew to love her. And she tells me she needs time alone... to figure out what she wants. 3 weeks later... boom. People commenting "Oh finally its out in the open".

Im such an idiot haha. Maybe I had to learn the hard way. Dont love anything, cos it'll bite you in the arse. It's my issue, I get that. I don't wish her any ill will, whatsoever. Good luck to her. I guess I am disappointed in myself now.

 

I see hope here and things are beginning to turn around. There you have displayed strength. I too have considered a driving job as when I drive I just love the sound of the tires on the road and the movement. It would be a good change for you. I only drive electric vehicles though so I can't get a driving job yet as few companies use them.

You are lucky in that you have had the experience of being with a woman. I have never had sex and my last relationship was a short one in 2007. I am 25. When my mum and dad pass away, I may never be able to cope without anyone and I would probably end up in a far worse state than you. Humans are social creatures and there's no way around that.

[Paul92]

@Shaun  Could I PM you?

I guess the people on here, at the very moment, are all I have.

I wish I could push a button and not exist. But that isn't an option.

My friend, maybe it isn't everything you might think it is. I've slept with 7 woman. i'm 26. I have a friend, the same age, who has slept with over 100. To what end? Making love to a bag of particles. What difference does it make?

The thing with that girl is, I thought she was different... I thought the experience was different, because I just felt 'something'... it was something I cant put my finger on. But maybe it was nothing and I imagined it. Anyway, it is done. I wish her no ill will.

I think I had a revelation. People will never live up to your expectations. So maybe we are better off without them.

Why do you only drive electric vehicles?

I love driving... I love a big diesel engine... I'd be happy in a truck, listening to my music. Only issue is, I can't even get out of bed at the moment... how am I going to get a job like that?

What on earth am I doing? The other half of me just think why struggle? Just end it! It's a simple enough solution. Why put up with this? Fuck everything. Who cares anyway.

[theking00]

7 minutes ago, Paul92 said:

@Shaun  Could I PM you?

I guess the people on here, at the very moment, are all I have.

I wish I could push a button and not exist. But that isn't an option.

My friend, maybe it isn't everything you might think it is. I've slept with 7 woman. i'm 26. I have a friend, the same age, who has slept with over 100. To what end? Making love to a bag of particles. What difference does it make?

The thing with that girl is, I thought she was different... I thought the experience was different, because I just felt 'something'... it was something I cant put my finger on. But maybe it was nothing and I imagined it. Anyway, it is done. I wish her no ill will.

I think I had a revelation. People will never live up to your expectations. So maybe we are better off without them.

Why do you only drive electric vehicles?

I love driving... I love a big diesel engine... I'd be happy in a truck, listening to my music. Only issue is, I can't even get out of bed at the moment... how am I going to get a job like that?

What on earth am I doing? The other half of me just think why struggle? Just end it! It's a simple enough solution. Why put up with this? Fuck everything. Who cares anyway.

Are you from the U.K.? 

[Paul92]

@theking00 I am, yes

Rough day guys. Rough day. Thanks for all your help. Whoever/whatever you are. Got a weird sense of peace now I just cut out all my social media and stuff... weird. Basically sent a long text to my boss at work saying don't let anyone contact me... I just want to live a life of solitude... maybe have some online friends... that is pretty much how I feel right now.

Play my guitar in my spare time. Literally the only thing I could sit doing all day.

[OBEler]

@Paul92  I read all your latest posts and I see a lot of growth in you lately. 

Everyone knows that they live as individual souls. So some nasty zen masters concentrate only on the message "You dont exist". Because the other thing is total clear. Should a zen master teach other people: " Hey did you know, you are an individual being and you exist?"

You exist as God and you exist as individual soul (yes a part WITH God, not AS God. As a real human being) at the same time. This is paradox, but it is the most perfect solution to this whole universe. You are immortal (God) and mortal (Paul). So as Paul, take life serious and dont throw it away.

 

 

 

[theking00]

17 minutes ago, Paul92 said:

@theking00 I am, yes

Rough day guys. Rough day. Thanks for all your help. Whoever/whatever you are. Got a weird sense of peace now I just cut out all my social media and stuff... weird. Basically sent a long text to my boss at work saying don't let anyone contact me... I just want to live a life of solitude... maybe have some online friends... that is pretty much how I feel right now.

Play my guitar in my spare time. Literally the only thing I could sit doing all day.

I also live in the U.K Near Manchester. I love driving through the Peak District it's a nice place . 

[Paul92]

@OBEler  Hmmm. Maybe, not totally convinced. But thanks for the message. I'd like to hear more about how you know this of course.

@theking00 Yes, the Peak District is wonderful. I'm not far from it. I live in Barnsley. About 50 mins from Manchester, so not far at all.

[Shaun]

10 hours ago, Paul92 said:

@Shaun  Could I PM you?

I guess the people on here, at the very moment, are all I have.

I wish I could push a button and not exist. But that isn't an option.

My friend, maybe it isn't everything you might think it is. I've slept with 7 woman. i'm 26. I have a friend, the same age, who has slept with over 100. To what end? Making love to a bag of particles. What difference does it make?

The thing with that girl is, I thought she was different... I thought the experience was different, because I just felt 'something'... it was something I cant put my finger on. But maybe it was nothing and I imagined it. Anyway, it is done. I wish her no ill will.

I think I had a revelation. People will never live up to your expectations. So maybe we are better off without them.

Why do you only drive electric vehicles?

I love driving... I love a big diesel engine... I'd be happy in a truck, listening to my music. Only issue is, I can't even get out of bed at the moment... how am I going to get a job like that?

What on earth am I doing? The other half of me just think why struggle? Just end it! It's a simple enough solution. Why put up with this? Fuck everything. Who cares anyway.

You can PM me if you like, I am not a therapist though and I probably can't help too much, but I am someone to talk to. I only drive electric vehicles and eat mostly vegetarian food as I care deeply about the environment.

[Paul92]

@Shaun That's interesting. Maybe I will PM you later, I dnt want you to feel pressured or anything haha.

I think today I need to start the practical steps to try and sort this life out somehow.

Trouble is, I never know really where to start.

[Shaun]

2 hours ago, Paul92 said:

@Shaun That's interesting. Maybe I will PM you later, I dnt want you to feel pressured or anything haha.

I think today I need to start the practical steps to try and sort this life out somehow.

Trouble is, I never know really where to start.

I would not feel pressured at all. All of us are here to help. See this turnaround in your life as a miracle because it's exactly that. In my life I have no direction either and don't know where to go. I just wish I could win the lottery and sit meditating and contemplating for many hours a day while making charity donations. Sadly, the lottery is a huge fraud and there are no winners of large amounts. Anyone who claims to have won millions has been paid or bribed.

Edited April 23, 2019 by Shaun

[Paul92]

@Shaun I don't think it is a turnaround to be honest. I still don't want to be here and I really really don't know if I have it in me to try and get out of this. I don't even know where to start. I still don't know who 'I' am. THAT is the big issue. Who am I? What am I? Who are you?

Are we a soul in a body? Sadhguru says yes one moment, then no another.

Who is Paul? Am I real?

If I meditated now, and something happened, and I left my body and met some random dude in another dimension, but I still had my mind, as Paul, I'd be happy enough with that. Because I am still me. I just can't get my head around what anyone is saying here. You don't exist, but you do. You are an individual, but you are not. etc etc etc

[Rilles]

35 minutes ago, Paul92 said:

@Shaun I don't think it is a turnaround to be honest. I still don't want to be here and I really really don't know if I have it in me to try and get out of this. I don't even know where to start. I still don't know who 'I' am. THAT is the big issue. Who am I? What am I? Who are you?

Are we a soul in a body? Sadhguru says yes one moment, then no another.

Who is Paul? Am I real?

If I meditated now, and something happened, and I left my body and met some random dude in another dimension, but I still had my mind, as Paul, I'd be happy enough with that. Because I am still me. I just can't get my head around what anyone is saying here. You don't exist, but you do. You are an individual, but you are not. etc etc etc

I think you should read up on Dark Night Of The Soul if you havent 

[Shaun]

46 minutes ago, Paul92 said:

@Shaun I don't think it is a turnaround to be honest. I still don't want to be here and I really really don't know if I have it in me to try and get out of this. I don't even know where to start. I still don't know who 'I' am. THAT is the big issue. Who am I? What am I? Who are you?

Are we a soul in a body? Sadhguru says yes one moment, then no another.

Who is Paul? Am I real?

If I meditated now, and something happened, and I left my body and met some random dude in another dimension, but I still had my mind, as Paul, I'd be happy enough with that. Because I am still me. I just can't get my head around what anyone is saying here. You don't exist, but you do. You are an individual, but you are not. etc etc etc

From here it seems to me like a huge turn around from where you were. It seems you are now in the dark night of the soul and I most likely am too. Life for me is so utterly meaningless and I wake up every morning scared of reality. I can not yet see in any way how all the suffering and torture that goes on can be love or be loved.