Making peace with life insights

[Lister]

How I treat others is an reflection of how I treat myself. 

I don't need to develop the skills to live life authentically because I already have it all inside of me now as my authentic self. The thing that holds me back is me attacking myself (which manifests as symptoms of low self worth, nervousness, anxiety, anger, sadness, regret, and unhelpful behaviour).

If I become aware of an attack thought towards an outside source, there will be a corresponding attack inward on the same trait. Become aware of the quality of the trait being attacked and consciously make peace with it.

Dislike of myself manifests in an obsession with external approval from others. The approval seeking self is the symptom, the attacking of myself is the root cause. Beware of blindly accepting the needy self expression - don't accept it as self, look to the deeper cause and work with that. (There is a notable shift in energy as a write this- my experience expanded, I became more present, I feel lighter, my breathing has slowed down, there is an increase in personal power, increase in contentment, less seeking, less avoidance, less turmoil- inner stillness and less emotion). 

I have tried to cease thoughts before but it never worked. This method seems to stop the thoughts much better so that I can enter Samadhi experience.

I have just done a quick pranayama breath and opened myself upto the present moment. Deep peace, no emotion, no thought, just panoramic presence of sitting in this park on this warm spring afternoon with the sun gently warming my back. No shame, but still inhibited. 

Low self worth, fear, anxiety, emotional labour is not my true identity. When I say identity I mean my true nature. Fear and contraction is not my true nature. 

I wonder if states of bliss and peace heal and rejuvenate the body and mind? It feels as if I need a well earned break from my mind attacking me 24/7

The sadness came back. But this time I noticed that I am already present to this. That I don't need to create a watcher, that the watcher is always present and that any knowing of the watcher can only be the thought of the watcher in my mind.

As thought recognizes the ever present watcher the feeling becomes more raw, more physical, more pronounced. 

I thought is not the watcher. I thought appears in front of the watcher and tries to identify as the watcher. But it can never identify as the watcher. The watcher is always free of what is seen. Forever free. 

What is the nature of the watcher? Thought is attending to investigate the nature of the ever present watcher. 

Ever present

Untouched 

Still 

Permanent 

Vast 

Open 

Unlimited 

Unbound 

Unwavering 

Awake 

The light 

Unshakable 

Untouchable

Unmanifest 

Free 

Absolute 

Reliable 

Consistent 

Unperturbed and unpreturbable 

Innocent 

Stillness itself (non conceptual stillness)

Infinate depth 

There is a sense of peace and freedom and a shifting of the sadness as mind talks about the ever present watcher. 

Heart feels open, raw, sensitive, raw pain unprocessed. Body is mega relaxed but alert, sensisitive, like a big cat eyeing up it's prey. Alert but still.

The watcher is manifest in the body now, permeating the body with nothingness.

3 more pranayama breaths and I'm at the end of today's journal - what I'm witnessing is indescribable. 

 

 

 

 

Edited April 20, 2019 by Lister

[Lister]

Shoulds are a direct attack against life. Even the should of self actualization. Notice your shoulds as often as you can. 

[Lister]

This is what non-duality means to me at this point in time

Everything I sense in another is actually a part of me that I disowned. When I move up the spiral of development it's very easy to get identified with a higher self and this has an effect of creating a dissociation from lower traits. 

When I feel bad I am attacking a part of myself that I have dissociated from. The goal is to do 24/7 shadow integration by noticing an attack (irritation, complaining, condemnation, superiority towards, inferiority towards) and reintegrating that trait by accepting it as part of the body mind in humans - it's just the way life is! 

Everything is me, everything I see out there is some aspect of me. Everything is non dual already, but as an ego identified with a particular altitude on the spiral I forget that this is all me and I feel seperate from it. Alienated. And the worse I feel the more alienated I am from my disowned aspects.

That is non duality 101. Shadow integration is not different from non dual spirituality- it is the same thing. 

Make peace with what you hate about life and about others, because it's all you. Ultimately even if you cannot feel oneness, it is indeed one. 

[Lister]

Negative thoughts about others

Any negative thought about others is a reflection of your own state of mind, your own self esteem. Catch these negative thoughts and question them. Accept them as natural for the mind, and natural for a person who has had a lot of negative experiences in life so that you do not create resistance and duality to negativity. But once accepted the thought must be questioned. That is how you raise self esteem and allow positive thoughts to arise from the mind. 

 

[Lister]

I noticed that I love myself conditionally.

Which means that I am not and cannot be loveable until I achieve x in my life or with my personality.

This means that I will only attract people that also love me conditionally and love themselves only conditionally. 

I am creating the circumstance of loneliness because I believe I am not loveable now. That is why I get the feedback that I am not loveable now. It's not them, it's me creating this energy. Its become a self fulfilling prophecy that feeds on itself. I have the belief that i am not loveable, and I have the evidence to support that belief - but I am literally creating that evidence in order for my world view to remain fixed in this painful cycle.

Be aware of this for now. An answer will develop. 

[Lister]

I've just noticed that everything is loveable the way it is already. How sweet that perception is. Sweet peace and tranquillity and freedom from the unsettled turbulent mind.

No more irritation, no more anger, no more blaming, no more fear, no more striving, no more needing. Just being. 

Edited April 21, 2019 by Lister

[Lister]

Is judgement necessary?

I noticed that I made a judgement about someone, their self worth, their place in life, their state of mind, and I noticed that I felt bad. Do high self esteem or spiritually advanced people judge others or themselves? No, they don't. That's why I like them. That's why they don't upset others and that's why they enjoy stability. They don't judge anyone or anything. How wonderful it would be to experience that kind of unconditional acceptance of everything? 

Goal: Can I let people just be as they are, even when it doesn't suit my wants and desires, when they annoy me at how deluded I think they are, when they reject me because of their preferences?

My judgement stems from deep seated rejection from others. Can I accept the fact that not everyone is going to find me acceptable? 

Is it time to grow up and stop being so possessive and thinking that my perspective is the only true perspective? I need to learn to appreciate the individual, their choices, their desires and fantasies, their ambitions, their unique history, their freedom of expression and freedom to make choices that are right and wrong for them. I need to stop imagining that I should be the centre of the universe, as this is causing crippling social anxiety and feelings of bitter resentment towards people along with extreme fear of rejection.

 

Edited April 22, 2019 by Lister

[Lister]

Conscientious 

How do I become more conscientious without becoming idealistic?

I feel that a part of me is still narcissistic. But I have high level skills and conscientiousness in some areas and low skills and narcissism in other areas. 

The answer is to learn the skill of honouring and accepting the others perspective, standards, choices, abilities, limitations, level of development, level of spiritual and psychological growth and not imposing my own standards and judgement s onto them, expecting them to be in alignment and in rapport with me and my experiences. 

It's about honouring the individual where they are, meeting them where they are, understanding the world through their eyes as a seperate person in their own right. I do not have this capacity yet. I need to start to think about how to achieve this. I feel that being more conscientious without being judgemental is the key to success. It is where I am going to claim a lot of personal power, self esteem, wisdom and this will fix my anxiety issues. 

[Lister]

Play the long game in life. Play to win in the future. Set your situations up now to mature for later when you need them. Plant seeds in the garden and cultivate a garden slowly with next season in mind so that you can harvest a little bit at a time in the future.

Stay on track, forget about little investments, keep things open for possible changes in the future. Don't live for today, work today for the future and your future will harvest the fruits of your labour in the past. That way you can have an endless supply of good things in the moment that you worked for in the past.

 

[Lister]

I express my feelings as they come up in whatever persona they appear (Angry child throwing a tantrum, for instance). I watch for any blaming and refrain from blaming (blaming is playing the victim of circumstances). The blaming seems to prevent processing of the feelings too. 

I use I statements (I am so angry with you right now) and just stay centred in that position.

I don't say "you are shit", or "you did this to me" or make any defining statement about others or the external circumstance. I stay in the 1st person expression without creating a story. I feel the sensation and how it changes in my body. 

Edited May 1, 2019 by Lister

[Lister]

Self Realization experience to complete self actualization.

There is nothing I can do in this phenomenal world to make myself feel better because I and this phenomenal world is a dream. It's not real. Anything that moves is not real. 

What is reality? 

When the sense of I identifies with the ever present, empty, choiceless awareness. 

There is no point trying to manipulate myself or the dream in order to feel better or get better success. That doesn't work, because lister is not doing, he is being "done". Lister is a puppet that is conditioned, controlled by the dream. Whatever happens in the dream that effects him is not in his control. The dream is not set up to be manipulated, it is set up to be watched in silent choicless "acceptance" for what it is. 

My understanding has evolved from psychology to self realization very quickly. Currently I think psychology is attempting to make a happy dream, but ultimately it's futile because no change will come from manipulating the dream, it only comes from the sense of I finding it's true source and home : the ever present, silent watcher, the screen on which life plays out. 

Life and the screen are distinct. Life cannot happen without the screen. 

 

 

 

Edited May 4, 2019 by Lister

[Lister]

I feel a huge surge of nauseating energy fill my body with this second self realization realization. I want to change it but I know "I" can't, because the "I" (as pure awareness) has no control. The I as lister has no control either. So to conclude control is ultimately an illusion.

[Lister]

Now I understand the concept that there is nothing you can "do" to become enlightened. Enlightenment is not a state in the dream, it's the knowledge that the dream and awareness are not the same. 

[Lister]

Self realization puts end to all negative behaviour because all seeking is eliminated with the realization that there is nothing to seek for. 

[Zigzag Idiot]

 

30 minutes ago, Lister said:

I feel a huge surge of nauseating energy fill my body with this second self realization realization. I want to change it but I know "I" can't, because the "I" (as pure awareness) has no control. The I as lister has no control either. So to conclude control is ultimately an illusion.

Bumper sticker in the 1990's was right on --- Shit happens

 

13 minutes ago, Lister said:

Self realization puts end to all negative behaviour because all seeking is eliminated with the realization that there is nothing to seek for. 

One hurdle at this point in my experience is not becoming identified and falling back into sleep.

 

[Lister]

4 hours ago, Zigzag Idiot said:

 

Bumper sticker in the 1990's was right on --- Shit happens

Lol! Yeah so true, there's a whole lotta shit happening! 

4 hours ago, Zigzag Idiot said:

One hurdle at this point in my experience is not becoming identified and falling back into sleep.

This is my issue at the moment, I've got a few ideas as to why the pull of identification is so strong.