A personal Story about Life and Death

[lostmedstudent]

Death or the threat of death really comes at the most unexpected moments. 

Im doing a rotation in northern Quebec, and my way of discovering a place is to run around town. 

Today I planned to go for a long run, I wanted to discover some quieter and more serene roads where I can just run and not be disturbed by the passing traffic and the dusty trails they leave behind. The weather is pretty good, about 5-6 degree celsius with lots of sun, wind is blowing, snow is melting, the weather was just lovely (for northern quebec..) 

After running through a long stretch of road that comes to a dead end, there was an entrance to the woods area. And I decided to go in once I realized the snow conditions are quiet good. I also ran into another man who was taking a long walk through the woods and he told me the roads in the forests are pretty steady. So I started to jog and found it to be so peaceful and nice in the snowy woods. It’s a very small trail that’s quite soft under my steps and there are trees arching over so it makes a nice shadow for the blasting sun above me. There are certain areas where the snow is softer and would sink under my feet. Sometimes a little bit, other times I sink to my knees, but it all fun and games, I just pull my feet out and carry on. There are also not many forks along the way, and for the 2 forks (or so I thought) that I encountered, I put some marks on the snow so that I remember which way to take on my way back. I went through the woods, continuing as far as I can, until the snow starts to sink really bad, then I make my way back. On my way back, I ran into the old man who was walking earlier and he told me to be careful not to get lost, to which I thought "there is just one way, how could I be lost", so we chatted briefly and I carried on. At this point, I had already finished my 2 running gels because I was hungry. The slippery snow and the occasional falls made it fun but also a little tiring, so I decided to trail back and head back to the roads. 

I passed the last fork before the exit and took the road on which I had put some pin branches. This trail is supposed to take me right out of the woods. I passed by some of the landmarks that I recognized on my way into the forest so I thought I shouldn’t be far from where I came in. Then I started to fall, once, twice, three times, because the snow beneath me was so soft that it couldn't bear my weight. At first it was funny because it didn't hurt, then it became annoying, and then I was wondering why it wasn't sinking on my way there. "was it because the sun is so strong that it started to melt right under my feet?" "did I take a different road? But there is no branching, there's no way I derailed". As I m thinking, I continued to fall, my feet sinking down to my knees every 2 steps. I decided to slow down and started walking. It didn't help, the snow just seemed like a web of trap, taking me down even on the lightest steps. My feet started to get wet and cold. And then suddenly, I sank again, but this time I couldn't get my left foot out of the snow. The snow around my shoe started to melt and solidify at the same time and having nothing else to bear my weight or lean, I could just not get my foot out. I started to dig with my hands (didn't bring any gloves since the weather was so beautiful), but the more I dug, the more snow there was. So with all my strength, I pulled hard and only my foot came out: the shoe stayed stuck in the snow, some 30cm deep. I tried to dig more furiously and forcefully with my hands, my feet, and I could not even see the shoe anymore. At this point, my hands started to freeze and I have my left foot with a wool sock and my right foot with a soaked breath-through summer running shoe. Everything is quiet around me. Birds are chirping, leaves shuffling, the sun was shining down on me, no sights of houses or roads or human trace anywhere. I am sitting on the snow because the mere act of standing makes me sink to my knees. I started to freak out. I didn't know where I was. I was convinced this is the road I took, in fact I did not even ponder the option of going back, I just wanted to go forward. I wanted to get out. Yet I couldn’t move, I couldn't walk. And all around me was just snow and woods. I started to crawl on all fours. It hurt so bad, my knees felt frozen, I couldn’t feel my hands anymore, I started to hyperventilate because my fight or flight response was full power on at this point. Not even 5 meters in, I couldn't do it anymore, my knees hurt too bad, I couldn't feel my hands. So I stood up and I could make 2-3 steps before I sank down to my knees again. So I went back to crawling - I didn’t want to lose my second shoe. 
All of the thoughts are flowing to me: Is my life going to end this way? I wish the man I ran into was here to help me. I wish someone could see me and help me. I can't reach out to anyone because I didn't have my phone.. I can't even tell my boyfriend.. Can I really die from just going into the woods? But if I cant get on the road, and im stuck here, then yes I could die. I could DIE? WHAT? My parents don't even know, my boyfriend doesn't even know that I am DYING. I am stuck here all alone to DIE. And im running out of energy. I was 12 km into my run. Calm down, calm down, you still have energy. Calm down.

But I couldn't calm down, I couldn’t relax, I couldn’t let go of the fact that I was dying. I did not want to die. I thought briefly about buddha, I thought about enlightenment, I thought about my meditation practice, but there was so little room for that. I just wanted to make it out alive. I couldn’t calm down. Maybe my mind was exaggerating it all but I really thought I couldn’t make it. I kept crawling, falling, walking, sinking, falling, crawling. I couldn’t feel my hands at all. I saw some houses in the distance but it didn't reassure me because I didn’t know how long in the snow I could crawl before my hands would fall off or I pass out. I started screaming "help! Help! Help!". Only the echo of my own voice.. I kept crawling, my knees were hurting and so numb. Being a quite healthy young adult,  I've never felt this close to dying. After crawling some more, maybe a few meters, maybe a few hundreds, I saw a pile of woods in the middle of the snow. I fixed that as my objective, and told myself: if I can get on there, then at least I will be less cold and I can breath a little bit. So I got to the woods. It took a few attempts to get on the woods since as soon as I try to bear weight on the snow, it collapses beneath me. I climb on the woods and im collapsed. I am in shock yet I am calming down. I screamed a few more times "aidez-moi"! But no one seemed to hear me in those houses. 

Thank god the weather was good. As soon as I was on top of the woods, the sunshine was heating me up.  My hands started to hurt as hell as the feelings came back. I was still hyperventilating but my senses started to come back to reality. Its not fight or flight anymore as I realized the houses were not too far away and I could easily crawl to the roads without dying. So crisis averted at this point and I rested a little more before crawling on the snowbanks onto the roads. I ringed the door of one of the houses and the lady at the house helped me call a taxi to get back home. the taxi ride seemed surprisingly unreal. I was so happy and relieved to be on land again, yet I was still living the adrenaline of that event. I told the taxi driver about what has happened and he just laughed about it. 

The event still seems unreal. I don't know whether I survived a dangerous situation or exaggerated a benign situation. But what I know is it was life threatening for me and I have some battle wounds (over 10 bruises on the legs and a few on the hands and arms). 

There are 2 big take home lessons from this:
    1) The line between safety and danger is very thin, so thin that you've crossed it many times without realizing and when you realize it. It's too late. Life is more fragile than you think. Who would ever think a run in the city can turn out this way? So always prepare for the worst case. Don’t go into the wild woods in a new city alone, without a phone.. Cherish your life, cherish the people around you, cherish every breath you have because you never know when it will be your last. 
2) You can contemplate, meditate, read, ponder on death all you want, but it all goes away when it's right in front of you. It's so big, so total, so bold that it takes over you like nothing else. That moment whenI felt seriously threatened, my true nature came out, all my spiritual practices and knowledge thrown aside. My true nature being: I wanted to live. Looking back on the map, I did not derail far, nothing could've really gone wrong, had I kept my composure, stayed calm, it would probably have been a minor accident. So this event showed me how little I know about what death is and how long a way to go to a mindset of a true adventurer. 

 

thanks for reading. i always like to share these kinds of personal stories here because you guys always have more interesting stuff to add and the discussion is always great.

have a nice day

Edited April 18, 2019 by lostmedstudent

[Mu_]

Crazy story, thanks for sharing.  Ya death right in front of you really brings out the desire to live and can switch a lot of things on in you you never knew you had, like appreciation, yearning to live, desire to go for some goals you were putting off, closeness to loved ones.  Glad your still here, now its time to live life with a greater appreciation of the time

[mandyjw]

I had a similar experience yesterday, only a much more mild version. I decided to try to find the remains of an old gazebo and road from the 1800's without knowing if they even still existed. I had no idea of it would be thick woods, or if it would have any roads left. There were some roads but i couldn't trust them and didn't know where they would take me. There was a lot of snow left in places and I found myself going though places that had feet of it, sometimes I sunk through other times I could walk on top. I have a chest cold but it was the only nice day weather wise so I went anyway and I started getting really tired without water. I got mildly lost a couple of times and realized fully how long it would take for someone to find me if I did get in trouble. I usually don't take risks like that. 

Always tell someone where you are going. Bring your phone and send a photo of the start of the trail to your boyfriend or anyone. Get some sort of pack to take with you so you can bring your phone along. 

As for your question of whether you exaggerated a benign situation or survived a dangerous situation, those things are one and the same. Learning to still your mind and stay in that place of stillness and power is key for letting your own guidance and insight in. I keep thinking of the story of Jesus walking on water and Peter comes to him and also walks on water. But the winds start blowing and he forgets himself and is filled with fear. The same phenomenon happens to us. The more fear you let in the less you hear your own guidance and intuition. The more fear you feel the deeper your sink in the snow. Learning to stop the thoughts before they expand the situation, worrying about your hands and feet freezing for example, 

It's like if two people are witnessing a dog fight between their pets. One screams at the dogs and is terrified they will get hurt and they fuel the rage and fear and negative energy and make the fight worse. Someone else goes in with presence and knows exactly what air of authority to use with the dogs and when to fearlessly and swiftly intervene and break up the fight. 

Fear pretends to love us, to keep us safe to want to protect us. Instead fear is death. Practice always staying connected with your intuition. I love Abraham Hicks in addition to Leo's videos and teachings from others like Eckhart Tolle. It's all different ways of teaching that same skill. 

 

[lostmedstudent]

@Mu_ thank you for reading! Yeah the people I loved flashed right in front of my eyes. They seem so close yet so far from my heart. I’ve had panick attacks before and that definitely was a strong one!

today is 3 days later.. I feel like I’ve already fallen back to the same life habit. I had forgotten that it even happened! It’s so easy for us to live life automatically, and stop realizing how precious it is !

[lostmedstudent]

11 hours ago, mandyjw said:

The more fear you let in the less you hear your own guidance and intuition. The more fear you feel the deeper your sink in the snow.

Thats some powerful message! it was totally true. the same falling went from fun and laughable to being life threatening because i freaked out. see, my problem was i tried to calm down and listen to my intuition, but the moment was so powerful that there was no place for me to intuitate.. it sounds like you getting lost in the woods was more dangerous than what i did but you just handled it better. 

11 hours ago, mandyjw said:

I love Abraham Hicks in addition to Leo's videos and teachings from others like Eckhart Tolle. It's all different ways of teaching that same skill. 

what skills are you referring to exactly? equanimity?

 

Thank you so much for reading and sharing your story.

[Mu_]

8 hours ago, lostmedstudent said:

@Mu_ thank you for reading! Yeah the people I loved flashed right in front of my eyes. They seem so close yet so far from my heart. I’ve had panick attacks before and that definitely was a strong one!

today is 3 days later.. I feel like I’ve already fallen back to the same life habit. I had forgotten that it even happened! It’s so easy for us to live life automatically, and stop realizing how precious it is !

Its something you can cultivate by deliberately remembering almost loosing your life and the importance that had on you, and deliberately praying and giving thanks for a few minutes in your meditation in the morning at night to your loved ones and things you appreciate or appreciated that day.  Its something that I've done from the suggestion of Tony Robbins (he does it every morning) and it seems to work.

[lostmedstudent]

@mandyjw

[Nahm]

@lostmedstudent Great story and glad you’re ok! 

Imagine if you had died. 

But then everything was the same. 

It’d be impossible.