Mud at the Wall

[studentofthegame]

Progression log

April 2019

...

March 2019 Proper hydration

In the past I've drawn up countless morning routines, daily and weekly planners and not been able to stick to them. I saw a comment in a Tony Robbins video about making one small habit per month and making it stick. I need victories under my belt, no matter how small. Since March the one habit I've made stick is that first thing in the morning I fill up a water bottle and sip throughout the day. It gets refilled at a rate depending on activity during the day. I'm still working on other goals but if all else fails it is not a disaster and I retain some modicum of control because I am drinking enough water. I see it as the first piece in the puzzle, mentally and physically.

Jan 2019 Dry January

I found a dry month in jan to be a decent reset. It was unexpected. I thought it would just be a month off the booze and then I would resume the habitual drinking. Currently I am not using alcohol during the week and only in moderation at the weekend. Will review

 

[studentofthegame]

Alright everyone.

There's tonnes to read on this board so I'll keep it brief where possible.

Top page will remain a progress log and I'll update as and when. The name of the thread is because that's what I'm doing... throwing mud at the wall and seeing what sticks.

I've got issues like a lot of people. I've got anxiety, I've got attachment and abandonment issues, I'm currently miles off my mental and physical goals and some important life intentions but I am willing to try things.

Cheers,

James.

[studentofthegame]

Book reco - The Beginners Guide to Darkness (Geoff Thompson)

 

The big 5 (chapter 12)

Pornography

This is one of the biggest issues I am dealing with. Maybe the most urgent. Sex with GF's has suffered for a long time in preference of pornography. It's compulsive and an addiction

People pleasing

I tend to say 'yes' by reflex and this needs looking at. I need structure and routine in my week otherwise I suffer anxiety. There is free time in the week and this is the time it's ok to say yes

Junk food

Diet, health and fitness is one of the areas I'm focusing on to improve my mental and physical health. My diet ranges from good-poor throughout the week

Drugs and Alcohol

Drugs aren't an issue. My alcohol use wasn't massive but it was habitual, using as a crutch to unwind every evening before bed. It was disturbing my sleep and leaving me groggy and dehydrated the next day. Dry January was a reset and my use of booze is much smaller. Will continue to monitor

Gambling

Not a big one for me

 

 

 

[studentofthegame]

Eating something at 7am. Next habit i'm going to make.

I have tried writing out diet sheets for the week but have found them difficult to stick to. Aim is to regulate blood sugar levels and to eat enough to support physical activity, going to the gym etc.

Instead of setting out a weekly planner i'm looking at timings of eating. And since i'm starting small this month, my only goal is eating something at 7am. The long-term goal is eating small and often, every 2-3 hours after that. But for now, the small victory I need is eating at 7am.

[zambize]

22 minutes ago, studentofthegame said:

Eating something at 7am. Next habit i'm going to make.

I have tried writing out diet sheets for the week but have found them difficult to stick to. Aim is to regulate blood sugar levels and to eat enough to support physical activity, going to the gym etc.

Instead of setting out a weekly planner i'm looking at timings of eating. And since i'm starting small this month, my only goal is eating something at 7am. The long-term goal is eating small and often, every 2-3 hours after that. But for now, the small victory I need is eating at 7am.

Have you thought about meal prepping a couple of healthy meals, or maybe that's what you tried?  That consistency could maybe help with blood sugar, but I'm not sure

[studentofthegame]

@zambize thanks for dropping by. Meal prep is a good idea and that is something I am going to start doing. The toughest challenge is actually going to be eating on waking up, but to start with i’ll be using meal replacement bars for convenience.

[Gladius]

Good job, James. I really like this "small victories" mindset. Looking forward to read more achievements of yours.

[studentofthegame]

@Gladius Thanks mate. I'm looking forwards to making new habits and breaking some old ones, which I'll also talk about. 

Keep up the good work at your end too.

[studentofthegame]

An interesting few days.

Since Thursday last week my usual routine has been a bit thrown out. It's now Tuesday of the following week and I haven't recovered. My sleeping and eating hasn't been great and I've felt low. The pornography addiction has crept back in. (when I talk about a pornography addiction, I don't mean just porn vids, but general excesses; some vids, fap when i'm trying to abstain, allowing my mind to become fixated on certain girls). 

Tomorrow is a reset. 

Tonight, in preparation, consists of hydrating, eating healthily, watching some motivational vids to lift my mood and not beating myself up.

What lesson have I learned? at this point in my life, I need to protect my routine and the structure this gives me, certainly my Monday-Friday. A big part of that is saying 'no' to things that disrupt my schedule. 

[Gladius]

@studentofthegame Learning to say "no" is huge. Not only for yourself, but others pick on that energy and respect you more.

[studentofthegame]

@Gladius you are right mate. I'm coming to terms with the fact that at least from Monday-Friday I need to say 'no' a lot.

[studentofthegame]

May 2019 Eating at 7am

I've written meal plans for the day and week and been unable to stick with them.

My strategy is to eat on waking at 7am. The idea is that eating is like fuelling a fire. By kicking off at 7am the aim is to kick off my metabolism and prompt me to eat every 3 hours, little and often.

Goals are to moderate my blood sugar/glucose levels, stabilise my energy and mood, and also to meet a caloric intake for my activity level. I would like to gain a stone or so in body muscle and increase my fitness.

[studentofthegame]

Had an interesting experience on Saturday night / Sunday morning.

Was on a stag weekend. I could feel in the days prior that I wasn't really in the right place mentally for a big night out. Not to mention that I've barely touched alcohol this year.

There was some drama on the night out, but that is another story. I was awake at 5am in a hotel room, having drunk too much, fretting about my issues and anxieties a little bit, and resigned to taking a sleeping tablet which I know leaves me drowsy and anxious for days afterwards.

It's been messy ever since.

As I am beginning to come through the other side, the worrying I was doing as I lay there at 5am has given me clarity into some issues I have in my life and areas that I've not prioritised as needing work. Not only that, but I've never been more comfortable with accepting that I am not someone who needs excesses in his life. As I've written about in another thread, structure and routine is important to me and my mental health.

When structure and routine is in disruption, I should be saying 'no' to a night out. When I am in a healthy place, I can have a night out, providing I am moderate.

[Gladius]

Good insights about yourself. I recently learned to use nights out and alcohol strategically, if that makes sense. I do it from time to time, always from a healthy and conscious position of relaxation and charging batteries.

Keep it up.

[studentofthegame]

I went on a date with a girl yesterday. she's nice.

the problem is, i'm struggling with intense feelings of neediness. after one date.

I've experienced a lessening of neediness in relationships as I've got older, to the point where my last relationship of around 3 years provoked no unhealthy neediness from me. I thought it was a part of me that was gone.

apparently not. why this has resurfaced, with this particular girl, I don't know. I've not been in a good place mentally anyway, with stress and it's effects. I have been in therapy for nearly 3 years now and I have a big year ahead of me with some significant changes in my life to come. (positive changes, scary none the less).

but here I am. mentally I am crawling on all fours, I've lost focus of myself and my priorities and can do nothing but think and overthink about this girl, about how I messed up the first date, about how i'm not good enough for her, and about how much it feels like I need her.

I know this isn't the truth, but a part of me is living it. This is where I hope and pray the healing work I am doing, on attachment and loss in childhood, can heal these old wounds.

In the meantime i'm suffering and all I can do is endure. The pain and the hopelessness of intense neediness is not a nice experience, to say the least. 

[studentofthegame]

@Gladius that makes absolute sense to me. it sounds as if you listen to your mind and body and know when a night out and a drink is right for you, and when it isn't. that's great. that's the position i'm looking to take. thanks for this

[studentofthegame]

May 2019

 

Addictions i'm focusing on:

Porn - porn is out, fap is limited

Phone - limiting use of phone. Reading 'digital minimalism'.

 

Fears i'm confronting:

Kickboxing class - this is at the bottom of my fear pyramid (see Fear: the Friend of Exceptional People, Geoff Thompson). Showing up at this class on a Wednesday night is like a pressure test for how well I've been looking after myself during the week and whether I can hang. It also asks me to confront the self-doubt I have for myself, the fear that i'm not good enough, that people there don't want this newbie in their class.

 

Habit i'm forming:

Eating at 7am hasn't stuck. Will revisit. I suspect I need to make this as 'can't fail' as possible. Possibly a banana by the bedside for the morning, instead of going downstairs and making up a protein shake. 

Instead I'm switching focus and picking up a guitar every single day, even if I only hit one string. Pick it up, one string. Thus far, the effect is maybe 10-20 minutes guitar practise a day. Hopefully I manage to build that up.

 

Healing work

Currently reading Homecoming (Bradshaw) and The Tao of Fully Feeling (Walker) in addition to attachment therapy. I currently only sit in front of the therapist twice a month, but I'm considering resuming weekly sessions if possible. 

 

 

[studentofthegame]

in the early stages of a relationship with this girl. we both have busy lives and I have to manage my expectations. I am observing the neediness I feel and not projecting it onto her. we will see where that goes.

 

in the meantime I have habits to maintain.

>drinking water

>eating on waking up

>picking up my guitar every day

[Gladius]

Sounds good. Being in a relationship with someone you really like is rare and valuable.

[studentofthegame]

Morning routine

>eat small on waking

>drink water

>5-10 minutes breathing app

>push-ups while boiling the kettle to make tea

>journal

>quick read

 

will see how I get on with this for a few days and make revisions if necessary