Mud at the Wall

[studentofthegame]

It's taken me 7-10 days to start feeling like i'm recovering from the Christmas and new year binge. After two weeks of excess, there was a lot of anxiety, particularly at night and in the morning when at that point between being asleep and awake. it was like my mind was saying 'you think you can overdo it to that extent and then expect not to pay the price afterwards, but pay you will.' 

Aiming for balance in the week ahead.

 

[studentofthegame]

Settling into the new job. Almost gone from one extreme to the other - from doing very little in the closing months of 2020, to being busy in a full time job and the related pressures - and i'm too busy / tired to incorporate all of my self care habits and routines into my week.

Plan is to settle into the job and gradually introduce the practises back into my day.

Having said that, I am reading more. I am turning screens off at a decent time and reading fiction at night, which is the basis of a good night routine for me.

@Gladius thanks man! i appreciate the support as always.

[Gladius]

A new job can be somehow stressful, but once you get used to it in a few weeks you'll have room to shape a nice routine.

[studentofthegame]

This past month has been settling into the new job, and not much else. That has been an important step. I have always struggled with conventional jobs with any degree of pressure, but i am making progress here and the job could and should work out. This will enable me to move out of the family home - this is the next important step.

in the meanwhile, I have to be patient, because things are moving slowly. Working remotely is increasing the suffocating pressure of the lockdown, and because i am not having to get up especially early to leave for work, there is a laziness to my mornings which carries into the rest of the day. I am working, but doing nothing else.

I want to reintroduce gym, journaling and try once again to establish a meditation practise.

[Gladius]

I'm glad things are working out for you. It's inspiring to see you are deservingly achieving your goals. Enjoy it and keep it up!

[studentofthegame]

This week i'll be focusing on rebuilding my gym schedule and gradually reintroducing a morning and night routine. I'll also be mindful of time spent on the phone, as it has been excessive. 

I have become aware of a consistent level of anxiety that I have been experiencing for some time now. It's mainly in the background, but it does surface in the morning and at night when i am half awake. I do intend to try some EMDR therapy this year and perhaps something else alongside it, but in the mean time I will try and address the anxiety through journalling.

@Gladius Thank you ? It is important to acknowledge progress we've made, as well that there is always work to be done.

 

[studentofthegame]

Progress is slow across the board. I am working, eating and sleeping and that seems to be the cycle. My free time is spent unproductively and passively. Youtube, internet, ebay. Excess junk food and alcohol has crept in with regularity.

I respect the ebb and flow of life and we aren't always going to be 100% on the path all of the time. Still, i'm looking to take some action which sparks something and leads to some momentum building. The days are getting lighter and the lockdown will be easing gradually and it will be a good time to start working harder towards my goals.

 

[Gladius]

As we get older, junk takes a toll more and more on our energy unfortunately, but a little bit of that is also important to enjoy life. As always, it's a matter of balance.

I'm also looking forward to next months to take more action. By now, not much can be done anyways. Keep it up!

[studentofthegame]

I have around a week off work. Aim for the next week or so... those magic words... back to basics. Eating more of the right foods and less of the bad. Drinking lots of water and less alcohol. Getting back on the weights, getting outside more and some quality solitude. Start and finish a spiritual / healing book. Journaling. Prioritising sleep.

I'll use the coming days as a chance to reset, but i won't be hard on myself. My self-talk has been very negative lately and I want to address that.

@Gladius you are right. Balance in everything is the key. I love that even Bruce Lee used to like an occasional mcdonalds, despite his incredible dedication to health and fitness. That is a good lesson for us ?

[Gladius]

@studentofthegame That's a good one! I can imagine Bruce Lee having a happy meal every now and then  

It's great you are noticing self-talk, this is key! Keep it up!

[studentofthegame]

I have had some stomach and digestion issues for a while now and have adapted my diet to tackle the issue. I am hoping that this will have some positive effect on my mental health as well. I have read about the gut-brain connection in recent years but havent really done the work and made the correct changes until now.

How often is that the case? It makes me wonder about the amount of studying and research i have done over the last decade into all sorts of areas without actually doing the work. Reading is good and books / resources are fantastic. But the growth is in the work. 

Currently working my way through the audiobook version of the power of now. Eckhart Tolle has a great voice. Remaining present and not living in the past or the future all the time strikes me as the most important life skill someone can develop. 

I suppose it is balance in all things. I still have 'feeling' healing work to do which does mean some mental time travel. But Tolle says that presence and living in the now is also a way to dissolved what he calls 'pain bodies'. And i buy into his ethos: now is the only time there is, so working towards presence in day to day life feels like a worthwhile goal.

Other than that, i am still working on the basics. Sleep, diet, exercise, and monitoring my thoughts. 

[Gladius]

@studentofthegame Great post. I think the best doctor is oneself, and from my experience, most of our diseases are somehow origined by toxic emotions. As you say, it's easy to listen to theory and nod your head. When it comes to change, that's a whole different game.

Being present is something to be practiced every day, hour and second you're aware of it. I struggle with this one as well, but it's interesting as you progress to see your life and health get better and better. Good job, buddy.

[studentofthegame]

Making progress with improving gut health. I have adapted my diet slightly but nothing too extreme. I have noticed an improvement in my symptoms.

I have also made a move to get some more talking therapy and am due an assessment soon. I did attachment-based therapy last time, and i can imagine that it'll be CBT based this time. I don't enter into therapy lightly - the aim is to be my own therapist. But I want to try different schools of therapy and take as much from them as I can.

Other than that, I am not consistently getting the basics right just yet - but i am working on it.

@Gladius thanks for the feedback as always ? I think being more and more present and living in the moment is a lifelong journey and one I am willing to take.

[studentofthegame]

A few days into a week which is all about restoring balance.

It had been a steady few weeks of late nights and alcohol prior to this week. I'd not been getting enough sleep, was getting no exercise and was dehydrated. And working a full time job that can be emotionally tiring and triggering.

As such i have been in a bit of a fear state all week. Anxiety and paranoia just below the surface. 

It is a relief to hit a wall and surrender but with a better balance in life it would not take hitting a wall to trigger necessary change.

Much better self care this week. We will see how things are looking next week.

@Gladius your most recent post about fear certainly rings true for me too. Understanding and harnessing fear is a lifetimes work. It still bullies me on a daily basis but I will keep doing the work.

 

[Gladius]

@studentofthegame Thanks man, I had an "emotional insight" about fear, if it makes sense. Having a full time job is challenging indeed, so you gotta take care more than ever. Keep it up!

[studentofthegame]

Simple goal this week, spend less of my free time sat around indoors and instead get out more. The lack of outdoors time and quality solitude is affecting me. It's on me to make it happen rather than waiting for it to find me.

Sometimes it involves saying 'no' to people and this can be a challenge. 

Alongside that keep working towards nailing the basics of sleep, diet and exercise.

[studentofthegame]

Over the last month i have been a functioning dysfunctional person. I am going to work every day and maintaining a good relationship with my girlfriend, but other than that I am standing still or going backwards in most other areas. 

'Back to basics' sounds like going back and taking the first step all over again, but to some extent the basics are the hardest disciplines to keep nailed on no matter where we are in life. When everything seems to be going alright, why bother trying to meditate / journal / go for a run, etc? Well those things just aren't a crutch to lean on when things are bad. They still need doing when things appear to be going well.

With that in mind i need to make more effort to combat the things that negatively affect my sleep. I need to find consistency again in clean eating and exercise and maintain more of a reading/writing and mindfulness practise. I need to do these things because i have been neglecting these areas, and i feel rubbish mentally and physically as a result.

Back to basics.

Also I am receiving a short course in cognitive behavioural therapy to see if i can challenge some of the negative thought patterns that are causing me anxiety. I will be able to comment in 5 or 6 weeks how this is going.

 

[Gladius]

Sounds like things are working out. There will always be room for improvement, of course. Looking forward to hearing your feedback on CBT. Identifying negative thoughts is key, indeed.

Happy to see you updating good news, my friend. Keep it up.

[studentofthegame]

I have received 4 weeks of CBT until this point so far.

I am working to notice my thoughts, reframe them if necessary, and try to let the negative thoughts go.

Also looking at breathing and grounding techniques.

While I think other therapeutic approaches will be more important for me in the long run, I think I will come away from this course with a greater understanding and some tools. And i imagine it would be useful for many people.

[Gladius]

@studentofthegame CBT can be life-changing indeed. I'm curious, what other therapeutic approaches do you think might fit you better if I may ask?