Mud at the Wall

[studentofthegame]

@Gladius thank you my friend.

i didn't travel far, just to the north of england. I forget, are you also in the UK?

[Gladius]

@studentofthegame Nope, I'm in Spain! I was just curious. It's not the best time ever for travelling unfortunately.

[studentofthegame]

@Gladius Ah wow. I didn't know you were spanish. That's great ?

Yeah it's not looking like travel is viable until the spring. I have to be careful not to expose my family, so I am happy to limit where I go and what I do for the next 6 months.

[studentofthegame]

I am side-stepping the schedule i proposed a few posts back, at least for a week or so. I am not feeling quite right mentally. Even the pressure of a self-imposed schedule where i only answer to myself feels too much currently.

The only item I will look at implementing is getting up at the same time each day and having a morning routine. That's it. It doesn't matter what I do for the rest of the day.

I'm expecting that a short period of this is a necessary step and will help me in the short-term. 

[studentofthegame]

I am currently in a bit of a survival mode. I am processing some painful truths. I have a lot of fear and sadness. I am in conflict with loved ones and feel overwhelmed. It feels as if I am on the edge of a crisis.

I can see that I am dependent on others around me to regulate my feeling of wellbeing and being in control, to allay my fears and calm down the traumatised inner kid who is scared and in fight or flight. 

At the moment, those around me aren't in a position to do that for me. I'm on my own and it's on me to cope. I can't rely on others for my regulation in dark times and I need to learn how to weather the storms. But the ability to do that feels a way off. I have a lot of work to do.

 

[Gladius]

Keep it up buddy, as I said many other times the level of awareness on your own state is awesome! Learning to take care of the inner kid is definitely key. 

[studentofthegame]

Still navigating choppy waters - i am experiencing some change to my week, and i don't usually respond well to change - and there is more stress from situations that those around me are experiencing. I have always been a bit of a sponge and can be affected by other people's struggles to the point that it affects my functioning.

While I don't feel capable of doing a lot, now is the time to double down on the basics of self-care. Ensuring sleep, eating regularly, staying hydrated and getting some exercise. 

@Gladius thank you mate. I should remember that now is a perfect time to have dialogue with the inner kid. 

[studentofthegame]

@Gladius I can very much relate to your latest post. I find that a collapse back into old habits (porn, eating and drinking too much, basically indulging the lower senses) often follows closely behind a period where i have stretched myself, stepped outside the comfort zone, done something big / different,  and things like that... and as a result am mentally tired. 

Sometimes it feels like the ego flaring up... it doesn't like change and is resistant to growth.  

It helps to prepare in advance for this: i anticipate that when i have done something that involves any discomfort / uncertainty, when it is all over and i am physically and emotionally tired and have gone home to relax, the mental guard is weakened and the lower self takes advantage and makes its move. By knowing this in advance, i am gradually more able to mitigate for it (but i still have a lot of work to do).

There is an old samurai saying which i have mentioned on here before: “At the moment of victory, tighten the straps of your helmet.” ― Tokugawa Ieyasu.

 

 

[studentofthegame]

Started using the 'waking up' meditation app. A meditation practise is something I have been unable to establish so far. Will see if I can make this a habit.

Also been studying digestion and gut health as I have been having some issues. Have started taking a pre and probiotic, and will monitor what i am eating and its effect.

Other than that, back to basics. Sleep, hydration, eating small and regular, exercise, self-therapy. I have slipped in all areas and am getting back on track.

Cheers.

[Gladius]

@studentofthegame As I see meditation, it's like the red pill in the "Matrix" movie. If you make it a strong habit, it will raise your awareness on every aspect of your life. Looking inside, the way you feel, the emotions you weren't paying attention, etc. is really healthy imo. Looking forward to reading on how it goes!

[studentofthegame]

Lockdown part 2.

Will focus on a cleaner diet over the coming month, meditation each morning using the 'waking up' app, and plenty of time in nature and solitude. 

Looking for balance rather than extremes.

[studentofthegame]

Still seeking balance.

Work needed on diet, exercise, and commitment to the meditation app. That is the focus of the week ahead, as well as continuing the job search.

[Gladius]

It's completely normal to feel out of balance, specially these times we're living in. Same here. Take care.

[studentofthegame]

Well, I decided to treat the last few weeks like a bit of a holiday. Late nights, excess alcohol, and a lack of discipline. Now i'm paying for it with low mood and low motivation.

I'm gradually making progress and it's important to acknowledge that. But it's time to give myself a kick and step it up. 

I'm going to look at disciplining myself in one specific area and seeing the effect. Will update next week.

 

 

[Gladius]

You gotta pat yourself on the back every now and then, specially when you see progress compared to the person you were one or two years before. Looking forward the update.

Edited November 25, 2020 by Gladius

[studentofthegame]

What i am working on is waking up at the same time every day. It sounds simple, and I have tried to master this before and failed. But i believe it could be the most useful thing i can put in place.

I am also going on a stricter diet. Will update. 

[Gladius]

@studentofthegame Interesting. What would you say is your main goal or struggle at the moment? 

[studentofthegame]

@Gladius

good question mate. I think what i am struggling with is self-discipline. I've got long term goals and i need to work each day at them, but have lacked the discipline to get it done. I think part of the reason is i lack structure to the day and i'm attempting to put that right with a solid morning routine.

I've made this the priority and will update over the coming days and weeks. Cheers for dropping in ?

[studentofthegame]

2020 was difficult for obvious reasons but I managed to create a gym habit and consistency. I don't know why the conditions were right for me to be able to do that in a lockdown. I suspect it was because I didn't have a nagging voice saying I should be somewhere else, doing something better - we were in lockdown, so it wasn't possible.

I also for the first time felt the benefits of journalling, and cultivating a communication between left brain / right brain, or adult / inner kid. I didn't read many books in 2020 but I did read the body keeps the score (van der kolk) and developed my understanding of trauma.

At the end of the year I got a job. My first employment in a mental health field, and plans have been made to move out late in 2021. These are two of my biggest goals, so I am happy to be making progress here. The other major goal is to continue my healing journey, and i won't be slowing down this year. 

Over the next month or so, after a break for christmas/new year, it's the three magic words: back to basics.

-- prioritising sleep

-- daily exercise and time in nature / solitude

-- clean diet, proper hydration

-- mindfulness practise

--read / write / journal

 

At some point during the year, perhaps during the spring, I want to try some EMDR therapy, but will cross that bridge when it comes.

Wishing everyone a good 2021.

[Gladius]

Happy new year buddy! Congratulations, I'm really happy for your well deserved breakthrough. I'm sure 2021 will bring even better news. Keep up the good work. Cheers!