Mud at the Wall

[Gladius]

@studentofthegame thanks buddy, I'd say dating is my biggest issue right now but working on it. Sounds like you're on your way up, happy to hear that. Good luck on your job hunting!

[studentofthegame]

Next week likely to be a reset of sorts. I have had a couple of weeks off and away from any daily disciplines.

Back to basics;

• Prioritising sleep through a good morning and evening routine
• Eating well, staying hydrated. Cutting back on the junk
• Lifting weights and introducing some running / cardio. Not played football since lockdown started and want to start getting fit for when it returns
• Practising being present and not distracting myself constantly
• Reading, writing, quality solitude

I will use the week to start to refine my thoughts and goals from abstract ideas to something of more clarity, where needed.

I also recognise that i've been courting conflict with people and engaging with negative thoughts and actions for a while and it's made me quite a cynical person recently. I don't suppose i have been much fun to be around. Important to address this. It is a massive waste of energy.

[Gladius]

@studentofthegame Oh yeah, always back to basics. Focusing on your health and goals, there's not much to do.

I can relate to the "I'm not fun to be around" feeling. I think it's ok and quite common. I learned to admit that day in particular I'm not feeling well when I have a meeting and cancel it and postpone it if necessary. Self-care as a priority.

[studentofthegame]

'Back to basics' took a week off! Haha.

I have had a very ill-disciplined past week. I had intended to tighten up my game a bit, but I allowed the week to drift. Late nights, poor diet, not much in way of 'work' done in any area. 

I did manage to start a book though. 'The body keeps the score' by van der kolk. It's a well-regarded book on wholistic ways of processing trauma. 

I also experienced some fear this past week and feel there is a LOT of therapeutic writing to come from me in a private journal. I am going to be brutally honest with myself. 

I will write more about this process when it's underway. Also, back to basics as outlined in previous posts. Prioritising sleep is fast becoming a non-negotiable. A poor nights sleep almost inevitably places me in an anxious state.

[Gladius]

I read that book too, I think it's quite scientific academic approach.

Being brutally honest is healthy. "The truth will set you free", as they say. Did you read "Radical honesty"? I loved it.

[studentofthegame]

@Gladius I haven't read that one mate. I will check it out. Cheers ?

Good to know you have read 'the body keeps the score'. I'm only in the early chapters but will say a bit about it when i've finished it.

[studentofthegame]

Journaling is becoming an increasingly frequent self-care activity. Not so much an account of the day, just whenever I have a strong and uncomfortable emotion to express. I will sometimes exaggerate my feelings and write very raw and aggressively. It helps to clear it off the system. Sometimes that is enough. At other times, I will use a right-brain, left-brain system of conversation to restore balance between both sides; I might say something unpleasant about someone to express frustration, then when the dust has settled, write something rational and from a wider perspective. 

Since I have been doing this, I have also started to experiment again with the Five Minute Journal. I am at a point in life where I need to work hard but also remain patient and trust in the process, and also appreciate where I am in life now. It's important to remember that the journey is as important as the end goals. 

I have been having insights lately. It's tricky to describe, but it feels like an 'aha' moment when this happens. It might not be an original thought or realisation, but it is received with greater meaning and impact. Maybe a new level of understanding. So when this happens, they are also being written down in a seperate notebook. I would recommend everyone does this. I had an insight a few weeks ago while in the gym, didn't write it down, and very much like a dream, i have forgotten it. Lesson learned.

Speaking of dreams, I decided to attempt some dream analysis after watching a daniel mackler video about it on youtube. The very night i decided to give this a go, I had very vivid dreams. At this point, it's just about forming the habit of writing them down, even if it's in the middle of the night..further down the line i'll look into how to analyse them, or simply acknowledge them in a journaling session and try and speak to my unconscious.

[studentofthegame]

It's been a relatively difficult week in terms of anxiety, negativity, lots of fear.

It is sometimes a sign that wheels are turning and i am moving towards the edge of my comfort zone. Change and the prospect of impending change can do this. It's a case of braving it out and understanding that there is no growth in comfort.

Recently the penny has begun to drop in terms of beginning to understand what self-compassion looks like and i am beginning to have a deeper relationship with myself. At the same time, i'm striving for a balance and won't allow myself to forget about daily disciplines. 

This week i'll be looking to run a tighter ship. Getting a decent morning routine in place, increasing frequency of exercise, and improving my diet are the key areas i'm looking at.

It's also important to register successes. I am on the path. I am developing a positive relationship with my inner self, and learning to become my own therapist. I am developing a small consistency on the weight bench - room for improvement, but prior to last week, i had been at least once a week for 20 weeks since lockdown. I have reconnected with some old friends, with common goals and values. I am continuing to nurture my relationship with my girlfriend. I have started to spend time reading again.

[Gladius]

In the end it's all about how we talk to ourselves, and it looks like you're doing great. There's a lot of progress in the way you write about yourself. I can relate to the discomfort when approaching change. I think Joe Dispenza says that's because you're breaking the "addiction" of your brain to certain chemicals produced during your usual state, so it's very healthy to feel it. Keep it up, buddy.

[studentofthegame]

 

@Gladius thanks man. Part of growth is handling change isn't it. And handling change isn't something i have coped very well with throughout life, but change will happen regardless so i'm working on my acceptance of it.

Edited August 22, 2020 by studentofthegame

[studentofthegame]

Nothing has changed in terms of my big goals; finding a fulfilling job, moving out of the family home, continuing to heal my wounds and grow. 

The immediate goals i am trying to focus on are enjoying the journey, ensuring i am keeping up my daily tasks and disciplines as best i can, and trusting in the process. I recognise i am not a robot and am developing enough self-compassion not to punish myself when i don't get everything done in a day, or i slip up. This is important.

But equally, I want to tighten up my game and get more done. That is what i am looking at over this month. I'll spend this week refining what i want to get ticked off on a daily basis, but as things stand, the list consists of:

• Night routine
• Morning routine
• Check emails / business
• Job search 
• Spend time outdoors
• Eat regular and healthy meals
• Exercise 
• Practise guitar
• Read
• Write

While I am not working a 40 hour week, it is not unreasonable to expect to be able to tick most of these off, most days.

 

 

[studentofthegame]

Difficult day today. Went to bed feeling fine, woke up feeling very low. Worth recording my thoughts.

1. I had beer, popcorn and chocolate before bed last night. That followed a takeaway I had in the evening. I wouldn't be surprised if my blood sugar levels spiking and then tanking have contributed to low mood. Regulating blood sugar levels, and the sacrifice that involves, has been something i have put off doing for a long time.

2. I spent the day overthinking my career path and comparing myself unfavourably with others. It is a trap i recognise i sometimes fall into. I have spent a large portion of my 30's studying for an undergrad and postgrad degree in psychology. I want to stay on this path despite the doubts that i allow into my head at times; Have i done the right thing? Should i have done this instead? Is it too late to do that? 

This is where a bit of faith comes in i suppose. I can spend the next 5 years working in the field. I will either prove to be on the right path, or i can switch it up and do something else. My journey isn't the same as the next persons. 

3. I made myself busy and productive today despite feeling low, when i wanted to shut myself away in a darkened room. It helped. I'll be out later getting some exercise.

A healthy dinner tonight, cutting out the sugar and some journalling as part of my night routine. Will see how I feel tomorrow.

[Gladius]

Loving the idea of recording inputs that may have helped to create this low mood. Sometimes we relate so much to our thoughts we believe there is something wrong with us, and we forgot how diet, for example, is essential for this matter.

About overthinking, it's already great you're aware of that. I'm sorry if I reply from my own experience, but I can relate so much to your journey I can't do it any other way. I can tell changing careers in your 30's may be tough, confusing, embarrassing or lonely. Of course you can be wrong. So what?  Just remind the "shapeshifter", that's all I can say  

Hope you feel better tomorrow, take care.

[studentofthegame]

@Gladius Of course, hearing about yours and others direct experience is the most valuable feedback i can receive. I value every input, and hope I can offer some in return. ?

You are right. It might be time to re-read shapeshifter. By the way, Geoff has two new books out this year. 'The divine CEO' and 'notes from a factory floor'.

Yeah, it is useful to reflect back on bad experiences, such as my low mood yesterday. I believe I am becoming more sensitive to food. I used to be able to eat what i wanted with no ill effect. Now, it noticably affects my sleep and my mood. I can have a bit of what i want, just not all the time. Moderation.

I also think that sometimes when we are in transition from one way of life to another, there is naturally fear involved, and a grieving for the old way of life. That was possibly also at play yesterday. 

[studentofthegame]

Letting go of old friendships is a significant part of growth. It's not really about anyone being 'beneath' you, or cutting out someone who doesn't serve you. For me, it's about boundaries and only spending time with people who respect mine.

It can be difficult but it's part of life. I am letting friends go faster than i am making new ones, but that's alright.

 

[studentofthegame]

Another observation i wanted to make. I have been having some very immature emotional reactions recently. I've embarrassed myself. This follows on from being very emotional and prone to tears throughout the first half of the year, which leads me to wonder if it's a part of the healing process i am on. That is not to excuse my behaviour. I'm just interested in cause and effect. I am examining childhood wounds and it's a painful process.

[Gladius]

@studentofthegame Don't you love these breakthroughs? Sure, there's a lot of pain in it, but overall it can be also funny to observe yourself and growing so much, as if you were playing "the sims".

[studentofthegame]

I'm putting my spare time to better use. Instead of letting days drift, while I am applying for jobs and have many days to myself, i'm introducing a bit of a schedule to build some discipline and to make the most of time which will soon be taken up by a job.

Some items to schedule each day, between 7am and 5pm:

• A morning routine
• Emails, job search, and other business that needs dealing with
• Writing
• Time outdoors
• Structured guitar practise

Evenings will continue to include a gym session, some reading and a good evening routine prior to bed.

The most important work i am doing remains the healing work. I am experiencing a range of emotions and frustrations and it's important not to distract myself from the process. I will continue to write about this as the focal point of this journal.

At the same time, the devil makes work for idle hands, and I need to find a balance. I have had a relatively unproductive and unstructured last 6 months. Going forwards I want to utilise my time better. 

Edited September 12, 2020 by studentofthegame

[studentofthegame]

The above schedule has had to wait, as i did some travelling last week. It proved to be an emotional and draining week. My mood wasn't good and my mental health wasn't right. 

There is no doubt that I have trauma from childhood which affects me to this day. I have been on a healing path for many years but it feels like i have masses of work still to do and it will be a life long journey. There are different therapies I want to try along the way as well as gaining greater consistency and effectiveness acting as my own therapist. Change is the only constant in life and I need to learn how to cope better with it. There is a lot of work to do.

This week ahead is about the three magic words. 'Back to basics'. With a gentle increase in productivity and some serious contemplation. 

Best wishes to all.

[Gladius]

Being brutally honest with yourself is essential to identify any kind of issues you might be dragging, so great job. Keep it up. Where did you go?