Mud at the Wall

[Gladius]

@studentofthegame If you feel like you don't need it then it's fine.

I stopped taking it for two reasons. First, after several weeks using it daily, the effect is less and less perceivable. Giving it a break is good, so I can pick it up anytime when I need it, specially in stress periods.

Secondly, I really want to dig in my inner state and see how I'm doing, without any external alteration. To me, hypericum is just a supplement, not a solution. Not sure if it makes sense, but I believe I will be fully healed when I don't really need that kind of stuff. This way, I'm really aware of any CPTSD symptoms or toxic habits if any, and keep track of the improvement. As you said, I think the final choice is up to me. I consider this quarantine a good chance for experimentation.

[studentofthegame]

@Gladius that's a sound reasoning to stop taking them. You want to observe your inner processes and resolve trauma, not smother them with anything that alters your mind, although of course hypericum is very mild and as you say, you can revisit them if needed.

There is no substitute for proper sleep, nutrition and exercise for getting your brain chemistry where it needs to be and that's what i'm focusing on. I will see out this course of hypericum (roughly two months worth) and then probably revisit in the winter when energy is naturally lower.

[Gladius]

@studentofthegame Agree. Nothing can beat a healthy lifestyle. Take care!

[studentofthegame]

I'm considering letting go of my experiment with bullet journalling and the five minute journal. They aren't habits i have been able to make stick, even during a lockdown. I like the principle of the five minute journal but there are aspects of it that don't work for me. 

I have played a lot of xbox during lockdown and will continue to do so, but what i havent done is read anything, or do any therapeutic writing. I can feel the need to do both. I also want to sit quietly and contemplate. 

On the plus side, i have been finding consistency on the weight bench and practising guitar over the last 5 weeks. Will review progress at 12 weeks.

[Gladius]

@studentofthegame  It's great you managed to keep up with such healthy habits like exercise and music. Glad to see you back. Cheers.

[studentofthegame]

@Gladius thanks man. I've been escaping a lot into computer games and will continue to do so but not at the expense of my disciplines. I've done no reading or therapeutic work for a month but now i feel ready to get back into it. I did some writing today expressing a lot of anger and sadness at at family member. It went in the shredder and i feel better. 

[Gladius]

@studentofthegame I don't think computer games are bad "per se", as long as you're not abusing. They are a good way of having fun and keeping your brain in shape.

I also tried some creative free writing and drawing and it felt great. It helps to connect with yourself better.

[studentofthegame]

Staying consistent with a weights routine and practising guitar most days. The key is my mindset is changing. They aren't items to tick off a list, i've managed to find enough desire and purpose to want to do them.

The next item i want to lock in is some kind of awareness practise. I saw a description of meditation as maintaining awareness of 'something'. It doesn't get any simpler than that. I will find a way to make it a consistent habit.

I am slipping in and out of minor bad habits such as late nights and possibly too much xbox but i'm observing the process and gradually whittling down the layers of denial. From time to time i do get breakthrough's in increasing my consciousness and growth. One example is improving my relationship with a family member. I've had to get hold of myself and change my perceptions and responses to things. I have deeper compassion for myself and others.

[studentofthegame]

Staying consistent with a weights routine and picking up my guitar. These are two habits i have been trying and failing to make stick for decades. There must be a reason that i have made them happen during a lockdown. It's not just having more time, because ive had longer spells of free time than this. It's something psychological. It would be good to know, perhaps i could apply it in the future post lockdown.

Still not managed an awareness / meditation / mindfulness practise. I suspect getting up at a consistent time in the morning could be the key for me. I am having later nights and sleeping in longer in the morning, so i've not been waking up at the same time each day. I will try and get that sorted in the coming week.

I still have barely read anything. I have a stack of books but ive not had the will to pick them up. I do think taking time out of reading to absorb and put into practise what we have already read is good. When i am ready to return to the books then return i will.

Getting the right job and moving out remains two of my biggest goals, but there is a lot of thinking to do in the meantime.

In summary over the last 2 months:

-- formed a gym habit and keeping a gym diary. Keeping it very simple, just two compound lifts (bench press and squat rack).

-- picking up guitar every day. Just playing what i want to play and not stressing myself out with complicated practise routines

-- improving my relationship with people around me in the house. Managing my expectations and reactions to things

Stuff to work on:

-- awareness practise

-- avoiding slipping into old negative habits / addictions

[Gladius]

@studentofthegame glad to read you again. It feels like we are somehow lead to change during these times. It's great you made already two healthy habits and are not being to hard on yourself. About meditation, I wouldn't say it's for everyone. I did it for months consistently and didn't feel much, since I'm already by myself most of the time. Instead, two months of yoga really improved my breathing, my posture, and my mental health. 

[studentofthegame]

@Gladius thanks man. Yeah, i don't think a meditation practise is urgent. I think sleep, diet and exercise are more important and they could all use a bit of work at the minute. What i want from an awareness practise is the ability to buy a few seconds time gap between stimulus and response. And also being able to be present in the moment throughout the day. So while it's not urgent it is something i want to try.

[studentofthegame]

Another thing i want to reintroduce is a journalling practise. Not bullet journalling, which i tried but didnt really take to. Just free style journalling to work through some issues. I have had some pain come up this morning and writing seems to be a good outlet for me.

[studentofthegame]

a review of the last 3 months

If you'd have offered me two habits i could form at any point over the last several years it would be to lift weights and practise guitar consistently. I have tried various methods of making these habits stick, such as planning, scheduling, being rigid, loose, all sorts, and have never managed to make them consistent actions.

From the first week of lockdown in March I have been doing both consistently and feel that the seed has been planted. I have simplified both down and have made simple practises for each habit that don't overwhelm me - this is one of two factors i believe have worked in my favour. The other being whatever psychological enabling that lockdown has provided. It's not as if my lifestyle changed drastically due to lockdown, but still, it provided me the impetus to do these things with a consistency i have never previously managed. I will ponder this and whether it's a psychological place of mind i can reach post lockdown, for other areas of life. 

I have had challenges during lockdown like everyone else, there have been some dark moments, some realisations and some personal growth as a result.

what's next

alongside building these two positive habits i have also allowed myself to slip into late nights, midweek drinking, excessive gaming and porn. I haven't read during lockdown or done any writing. I am now reaching the point where i am ready to tighten up my game again, cut out the excesses and return to a healthier lifestyle. I don't yet know whether i will attempt bullet journalling again or some kind of scheduling or ticklist. But i am going to reintroduce a basic structure and daily discliplines, in addition to stepping up gym work and guitar practise. I want to read, write (self-therapy), practise awareness, and prioritise sleep, daily exercise, healthy eating and drinking enough water instead of tea and coffee.

 

[Gladius]

It's always encouraging to see some progress. That allows you to enter a loop where you keep healthy habits, which make you feel better and you do them again until you forgot about the old ones. Steady as she goes.

[studentofthegame]

@Gladius agreed. As mentioned on your page, now that the cold reality of monday morning has arrived i can feel that i need to transition back to something more discliplined in a steady manner, rather than going militant on myself.

I will continue to lift weights and practise guitar. This week i will reintroduce reading, writing and will be mindful of over indulging as i have been over the last 3 months.

[studentofthegame]

I have had quite the crash this week. Some of my behaviour has been alarming to myself and very shameful.  No-one has been hurt or anything like that. Just my pride and dignity really.

I'm feeling low but i'm just observing the process and not spiralling down. I will pick myself up and dust myself down and continue the work i have done over the last few months.

I have allowed for idleness this week and sometimes the devil makes work for idle hands. Next week i will be busier and more productive, but i will still allow myself time to feel and think - i'm not looking for constant distraction.

[Gladius]

Progress is never lineal, there are backlashes. It's great you're already talking to yourself in such healthy compassionate way. I also use to think a lot in terms of "pride and dignity" but lately I try to take myself not so seriously. Keep it up!

[studentofthegame]

It has been a tiring week. I have been in the deep end of addictions, have been having exhausting and unnecessary arguments, and have had troubling news to process. On reflection a very tough week.

Today is the first day i'm beginning to feel myself again. I'm looking forward to a productive but a balanced week ahead. In addition to the gym work i have been doing these last few months i want to include some quality solitude to my days. That means no technology and no input from other minds. Beginning with a cup of tea in the morning in the quiet, and possibly with a walk each day - again, with no earphones in, no music, no podcasts etc. That might be the time to attempt some do-nothing meditation.

I also want to reintroduce reading into my routine. Maybe beginning with fiction at night. While me and my gf don't live together, it's a good time to be able to make my evening routine my own: write tomorrows to-do list, do some journaling, and read fiction in bed. 

@Gladius You are absolutely right. There'll always be backlash, relapse, mistakes, etc. It's very much about accepting them too as part of the process, and then getting back on the horse so to speak. Thanks for that input ?

[Gladius]

That's a great way to take care of yourself. We get so much screen time it's scary. Waiting a couple hours to connect to the phone after waking up does make a difference. I also reduced the "noise" or inputs as you say (music, radio, TV, social media, etc...) and it feels much better. Keep it up!

[studentofthegame]

Have been out of my comfort zone this week, and adjusting to it. This is a positive thing.

A good time to clarify what my goals are in life as things stand, while I am in a clearer state of mind than i have been in a while:

-- to experience life and to grow. This can't be done without facing fears

-- learning to reparent my inner kid, and to navigate through the low points in life ahead, which hold so much fear for me, as best i can

-- making a difference and helping other people

 

In practical terms, the priorities for the immediate future are to maintain a healthy lifestyle, including more quality solitude, find a job that i enjoy, and move out of the family home. 

 

@Gladius thanks man ? enjoyed your latest post. Good to hear you are dating. If nothing else, dating is a great way to grow and to understand yourself and relationships better. And at some point or other, if you are on the right path, no doubt a date will turn into something more when you click with someone. Looking forward to your next update pal.