Mud at the Wall

[studentofthegame]

@Bill W sorry to hear that mate. I would like to talk more about your circumstances if you are willing. Either on here or direct message me if you prefer.

There have been many tears out of my eyes the last month or so. I'm starting to see it as part of the healing process, although it has been so frequent that it does make me feel embarrassed, even though no-one else knows.

I didn't realise how affected i am by change, until now. I find it difficult.

[Bill W]

Here is fine. Or DM if you prefer not to get journal bogged down! 

Yeh I find the tears quite therapeutic. 

But at every new job I tell myself I will not be that person again who hides in the toilets crying or cries driving home from work. 

I try to keep a positive spin where I can. This recent hardship is a sign that there is still plenty of work to do. 

AA and spirituality generally has taught me that at times like this for me, it's not necessarily that I have to acquire skills and wisdom but more likely that I am clinging too much to things I think are important. Material things and ego related goals. There is much to surrender. Without the surrender I don't have space for new wisdom anyway. 

Much is rotten and needs to be discarded.

The difference now is that I am typing to you from the gym. Doing a workout. I'm not drinking to ease the pain or waiting to take a sleeping pill. 

I hear you on going back to basics. Diet. Exercise. Sleep. Nourishment. I also keep reading steps 1 to 3 of AA. You can replace the word alcohol with emotions if you like. Read those 3 steps. Just the steps. They each a line or two long. Might help you. 

[studentofthegame]

@Bill W cheers Bill. 

What is going on when you are crying in the toilet, or on the way home from work? Are you suffering with depression, or some anxiety about anything in particular?

I know you are in 12-step, but as i haven't been very active on the board over the last month or so i felt i should ask these questions in case i have missed something. I can relate to the scenarios above but i want to know what is going on in your examples.

[Bill W]

You asking some good questions there. I get so caught up in the emotion, panic, and wanting to flee I literally forget to pause and take an inventory of what the fuck is happening from a thoughts and beliefs perspective. And that's me being qualified in Cognitive Behaviour Therapy and having done CBT to myself numerous times over the years.

If someone were to ask me why are you crying or what are you freaking out about, I'm not sure what to say. I just keep referring to my feelings and thinking I'm overwhelmed, or can't cope. 

I do believe that sudden emotional surges and distress don't just come randomly. They feel like they do, but there must be a thought process driving it. On the one hand I like to detach myself from my thinking to a degree, but I'm now thinking that I'm like a dog chasing it's tail, and I might need to do a better job of catching these "hot thoughts" as they sometimes say in CBT. The negative automatic thoughts or dysfunctional assumptions we make.  

You've got me thinking and I mean that in a good way.

Have your emotions died down a bit since leaving that job? 

 

[studentofthegame]

@Bill W it's interesting. I assume when i feel panicky, anxious or upset in these situations that it's the school-refuser in me resurfacing. I'm from divorced parents and a broken home. I've had insecure attachments, separation anxiety, intense fear of loss for most of my life. I have realised with the job situation that i struggle more with change than i thought. I am almost certainly on the scale of asperger's somewhere.

I have come to believe in recent years that the root of my problems is fear of loss. Fear feels like an understatement. More like blind terror. Fear of loss of loved ones in particular. I have done 3 years of bowlby attachment-theory therapy which has now finished, but i will try and continue to develop my awareness of this field while i try other therapies, including cbt as you mentioned.

My emotions have certainly calmed down since walking on the job, as i have essentially returned to my comfort zones. But i am in my mid 30's and want to be a fully functioning adult. So i am naturally putting some pressure on myself to look for the right job and settle in, before i take on the challenge of moving out by myself. 

I think i probably need flexibility in the job and understanding colleagues. I don't tend to open up about my anxiety issues in real life away from this board, but maybe i need to.

Essentially, i have asked you questions that i need to ask myself. I had my assumptions, that certain stressful situations (a new job, loss of certain freedoms, change) bring out the inner kid in me who cries for his mum and dad. There is definitely a strong element of that. There may be more to it though. For example, when i see the doctor i am going to ask if my worries, ruminations and attempts to mitigate would qualify as OCD. 

I don't have the answers at the moment but i'm looking for them. Always good to bounce ideas off of you. I feel we may have some similar cognitive/emotional issues at hand.

 

 

[Gladius]

Hi guys, I've been following your conversation as I can relate to some of the stuff.

In my experience, working can be healing, as long as you have at least a bit of fun, and/or you're surrounded by nice colleagues and good vibrations. If you don't like the job or there is a toxic atmosphere, it's better to just walk away as you did and keep searching at home.

Unfortunately I can't cry. Not sure why, but I only do it when the emotional pain it's absolutely unbearable. I'd like to cry more because it's so healthy but it just doesn't happen.

Asperger is a developmental disease, mostly caused by genetics. If you had difficult times during childhood or teenage years, probably you have some CPTSD symptoms, and I promise those can be dealt with.

 

[studentofthegame]

@Gladius Pete walkers book on cptsd is on my reading list. Thanks for the tip. You are right, the right working environment can be therapeutic. It's a case of searching, trial and error. 

You are also right that tears are also therapeutic. Pete walker talks a lot about that doesn't he. I also expect i have some unexpressed anger that needs an outlet. Sometimes i wish i didn't cry as much. I have found in the last year or so that i can find myself crying for people from my past, from a combination of compassion for them and also their suffering, as perceived or imagined by me. It sounds odd, I know. I assume that it is a stage in the journey of healing. I will monitor it to ensure it isn't a sign of troubles.

[studentofthegame]

Following on from the job not working out, and two bouts with bugs / illness that left me housebound and my routines out the window, i'm currently experiencing a bit of a depressive episode.

Mood and energy is very low, my thoughts and outlook are very pessimistic and fearful and i am in tears at the slightest triggers. I'm also in the somewhat dangerous place of not being completely honest with family about how bad i am feeling.

I fluctuate between being in a dark place, to being the observer of the feelings, which brings relief. 

Today i have managed to eat well, for the first time in 10 days or so. I've been able to do some chores, and i will do some light exercise and maybe some journalling this evening before bed. Strategy is to take each day as it comes and do what i can do to build myself up.

Monitoring my thoughts is also important. When i start fretting and worrying about the future i've got to get hold of myself, stay present and think about today only.

[Gladius]

@studentofthegame Sorry to hear that, buddy. It looks like you're taking care of yourself which I think is basically the key to everything. Just one day at a time. All the best!

[Bill W]

Hello my man,

I've not been too active on the journals lately. Are you feeling any better yet? Or still in that depressive episode? 

Are you able to take some time away from the whole employment thing? I know most people can't of course, due to finances.

 

Take care, speak soon. 

[studentofthegame]

@Bill W hello mate. Good to hear from you. I'm gradually coming out of the depressive episode. I call it that because i don't want to suggest that i have been suffering with serious, clinical depression, but it was at least a mild depression that lasted a couple of weeks.

What helped me during the time period is forcing myself to be active where possible, and having meaningful and intense conversations with people. We all need a support network.

As far as work goes, I am lucky enough not to have any immediate, short-term pressure on me to get another job, and i can carry on doing the one or two day a week jobs that i've been doing for years which are easy and pressure free. However, I am turning 37 this year and i want to be able to move out with my girlfriend. She works hard and earns decent money, so sooner or later i need to do my bit to make it happen.

When i take the next job i'll be prepared for the emotional turbulance that i know will come with it. I am hoping to start a new therapy some time this year and continue to work on my problems.

How have things been your end? Are you suffering at work or have things settled?

[studentofthegame]

Interesting to watch the urge to habitually drink, watch porn and regress in other ways over the last week or so. Stress can do that.

I've got a little list of things to do during my days in lockdown. Some of it is serious stuff, lifting weights, attempting a meditation practise, reading the self-help/spiritual books i want to focus on. Getting outside.

The rest of the list is a bit more light hearted. Play some xbox, play some retro games, practise guitar, catch up with some films and tv.

[Bill W]

I never got back to you! We've all been instructed to work from home at the moment. So I'm doing all my client work by phone, text, and email. It makes me wonder what would have become of me if this whole Coronavirus stuff hadn't kicked off, because I was on the verge on completely falling apart at work. Now, I have some much needed perspective and the pressure is off somewhat. I feel bad saying that, but it's true. I feel saved by the bell a little bit. I can't pretend to feel otherwise.

I feel a massive sense of gratitude. I've still got my job. Still on the same salary and working from home with 50% less work pressure because all the job targets have needed to be relaxed a bit. However, it's a private company who get paid by meeting Government targets. Sooner or later the math's won't add up and there could be changes.

I've got my nursing status to fall back on if that happens. I'm still a registered nurse.

My dad's pissed because the two things he likes doing have gone. Pub breakfast in the morning and then pub drinking in the evening, so I'm supporting him a bit more, he lives over the road from me and he is 77 and on his own.

But back to you...

52 minutes ago, studentofthegame said:

Interesting to watch the urge to habitually drink, watch porn and regress in other ways over the last week or so. Stress can do that.

As you say, stress can do that. I read once something that always stays with me.... at times of stress we fall back on our existing habits. These habits will either be good habits, bad habits, or a mixture. Whatever habits you have built, you will practice and lean on at times of stress. So, that's where it could be either; booze, porn, anger, manipulation, eating, or it could be meditation, prayer, reading, exercise, social connection or relaxation. 

If you are anything like me and the vast majority of 12-step programme members, when you have practiced bad habits for 90% of the time over the course of 10+ years, compared to 10% good habits, then guess what happens? Revert to type and get right back into those bad habits unless you purposefully and with complete dedication install and practice new habits. 

 

[studentofthegame]

@Bill W You don't have to feel guilty to be relieved not to be at work. I know you were having some issues prior to this outbreak. Likewise, in a sense it's a good thing that my job didn't work out last month. They wouldn't have supported me through this event.

I would love to get to a point where positive habits overtake the vices and become the reflex at times of stress. I think there'll always be a tedency towards the negative at times of stress, but perhaps a learned response could be to recognise it and steer the ship towards the positive before i get consumed. 

I know you have your working day at home, but how are you getting your 12-step support? And what are you doing aside from working now that we have all lost much of our liberty for a while?

 

 

[Gladius]

@studentofthegame It looks like a "healthy" to do list for these days the one you're dealing with. In my opinion we can allow some "bad habit" like porn or chocolate to get by, as long as it doesn't become something addictive. Take care buddy.

[studentofthegame]

@Gladius thanks man.

 

observation on addiction

It's been interesting to observe the use of porn creep back in for me. I'd got control of it and was abstaining. Suddenly this lock down happens, and it finds a way back in. I could write a thesis about the thought processes i was having and the sequence of events but i won't.... suffice it to say i have had an insight of how insidious addiction is. It is patient and sits below the surface. It is like water and is searching. It will find a crack eventually. It's up to us to recognise when the compulsion is rising up, observe it but do not engage it. Put a hammer to it. There is a small window when we make a choice.

I may not be out of the woods yet. But i've learned some more about it, over two days or so of porn use. I won't beat myself up, i'll dust myself off and get back on track.

Edited March 31, 2020 by studentofthegame

[Gladius]

Loved the observation! It's all our choice in the end. Cheers!

[studentofthegame]

@Gladius thanks man. The window is small. maybe it can be enlarged with meditation, i don't know. But for me it's a small window... i either recognise that a compulsion has arisen and start to go with it, which usually leads to binging that can last for days, or my inner observer recognises whats happening, observes but does not engage, and steers me away. Either way, for a second or less, there is a window to choose. I have struggled with this over the years, job now is to develop the observer.

[Gladius]

@studentofthegame The way you are describing this process is already healing, it's perfectly expressed. I'm dealing with same issue these days. Meditation always helps, sure, but in the end I do believe it's up to us. This is a perfect mindset for change, just keep it up! By the way, you were trying hypericum, right? How did it go?

[studentofthegame]

@Gladius thanks, i'm on the path with you, believe me. It's not easy but some understanding of the mental processes are a start.

I've started taking hypericum, but i havent been consistent. I take a small handful of vitamins a day but i have been forgetting about taking them for days on end. Lets give it a couple of weeks and then i'll report back. Generally my mood is ok, the sun is out more and i'm exercising. We'll see if the hypericum gives me an extra boost.

Why did you decide to stop taking it?