Mud at the Wall

[Gladius]

These days inevitably cause an earthquake in any kind of routine or discipline. As days go by you'll be able to make it happen.

2020, bring it on. Happy new year, man!

[studentofthegame]

@Gladius thanks man. You are right. Looking forward to the year ahead

[studentofthegame]

I tend not to use this journal to moan or express negativity but i'm going to do so today to acknowledge some shadows.

I feel lost today. I lack the motivation to do anything constructive. I want to stay indoors on the xbox. Unlocking achievements is giving me that instant gratification that my lower self wants.

I am aware that the boundary i have between anxious arousal and sexual arousal needs strengthening. In the past anxious arousal usually led to fap, which would relieve some of the feelings, but at the same time i believe it feeds the habit. Today, after my girlfriend left for work, i was in a slightly anxious state and had to resist the urge to fap. What is disturbing to me is that when i am in this anxious/aroused state, i tend to picture my girlfriend with other men, which intensifies the anxiety and thus the arousal. It is a loop that i want out of, a dog that i need to stop feeding. 

My goals feel very far away and out of reach. I am currently lacking the energy to take small steps. I don't know if i am experiencing some low level depression or dysthimia. I am constantly seeking comfort, beginning in the morning during which time i want to sit around drinking tea; making breakfast seems like a massive effort.

I have been short-tempered and irritable over the last week or so. I am anxious about life and future losses that i will have to deal with. 

[Gladius]

@studentofthegame When I'm in similar negative loops, it's useful for me the concept of "emotional flashbacks" as Pete Walker describes, and the way he acknowledges them and let it pass. I'm sure you'll get over it soon, one way or another. Keep it up!

[studentofthegame]

@Gladius thank you my man. You are right.

[studentofthegame]

I'm experimenting with keeping a bullet journal, written daily to reflect on the day before, in order to help me keep on track with some personal care and some goals.

Currently I will be ticking or crossing 6 points:

• Up on time
• Meditate / use breathing app (time) 
• Exercise (football / kickboxing / weights / other)
• Eat well and stay hydrated
• Practise guitar
• Take a photograph

I may add more, for now I'm keeping it simple.

[studentofthegame]

A few days in and i'm considering a tweak to my daily journal checklist

• Up at 7 am
• Eat every 3 hours
• Sip water throughout the day
• Exercise
• Meditation / breathing app
• Practise guitar

[studentofthegame]

Start my first graduate position next month. It will be my first conventional job in 15 years. I will use the structure and routine that the set working hours will bring to lock in some good habits. 

[Gladius]

@studentofthegame Congrats for the job! It's great to have a schedule so you can build your habits around it, I'm sure you will make the most of it.

[studentofthegame]

Thanks man. That is the plan. Will give it a week or two and see how my routine will fit around the job. Currently i am sliding on positive habits but the new schedule will provide an opportunity to reboot. Will update.

[studentofthegame]

Week two in new job.

Week one was a bit overwhelming. I'm having an insight about how sensitive i am to change. 

Bullet journalling has stalled, although i expect to resume with a simplified list. 5 items or less. I can drop items such as wake up on time, eat every 3 hours, sip water throughout day because my job now dictates this for me and is much less effort as a result.

Some sort of mindfulness practise will definitely be one of the items, will detetmine the others soon. 

[Bill W]

Hello mate, what specifically was overwhelming? 

[studentofthegame]

@Bill W hello bill. Good to speak to you. What i found overwhelming was the tiredness (up at 6, hour drive each way), the change in environment from labouring outdoors to a disciplined and structured environment (i'm now working at a secure hospital) and generally the inability to pick my own days and times like i have been doing for many years previously. I am no longer my own boss. It is a positive move, i went to university for 5 years for this job. 

Perhaps more interestingly and relevantly to our work here, the school refuser in me and the child state kicked off. I'm in my mid 30's but last week and this weekend to some extent, was the scared little lad again who wanted his mum. 

I think it's a case of adapting and settling and the signs are that i am doing that. I've tried to watch the process from the perspective of the observer, but i have got myself caught up in the storm once or twice. (Literally, as you'll know being in london at the minute pal ?)

Edited February 10, 2020 by studentofthegame

[Bill W]

Thought I'd ask as overwhelm is my middle name right now! It's work related anxiety but I've had this forever pretty much. Each job eventually consumes me. I'm getting better at coping. AA has taught me a lot. 

What you describe about wanting mummy, I can relate, but I call it "the monster under the bed". I'm 44 and have been having that a lot ever since we hit 2020. The difference now is that I have the awareness that it's pretty much all "monster under the bed stuff", that inner feeling of angst, doom, catastrophe, like at any moment something bad will happen so I can justify all my fear!

I had a meeting with my boss a few weeks ago about work stress. But AA has taught me good accountability so now I have a little smile to myself sometimes and realise that these meetings to discuss stress levels are partly me convening a "monster under the bed" meeting.

And of course, who else can sort out my monster under the bed issue? Only me!

You also have a degree of insight like me.

We can no longer plead ignorance! We know too much about self-development and ego etc. 

 

[Gladius]

@studentofthegame @Bill W Working full time can be overwhelming. It's important to take care of yourself and have a powerful routine to face daily challenges. I can relate to the "needing mummy" feeling as well. Lately I've been able to find the adult in me, versus the kid (I want to) and the father (I should), and this really helped to cut the neediness from my parents.

[studentofthegame]

@Gladius yeah you are right mate. I've definitely not been looking after myself lately. I have been binging on caffeine throughout the day for example. As for finding the adult and nurturing the kid, that remains a lifelong process for me i think.

Are you currently working full time?

[studentofthegame]

@Bill W 'Each job eventually consumes me'. Man can i relate to that. That has been the case with me every job i've had. I struggle with the pressure of working for someone else and all that entails. I don't know whether i would be better off self-employed, or working at 2 or 3 jobs part time so that i'm not always in the same place. The idea of the 5 days on, 2 days off model has always filled me with dread. I don't see myself a lazy person either. Just someone who needs a degree of autonomy.

What changed in 2020 to bring the 'monster under the bed' stuff up for you?

 

[Gladius]

@studentofthegame Yeah, I've been working full time most of my life. My goal is to work part-time, so I can create other different sources of income, 

[studentofthegame]

I walked away from the new job after less than a month, it wasn't right for me for a number of reasons and i decided i couldn't work in that partiuclar setting, even until i find another job.

If nothing else the experience was useful as a wake up call. It is a change in career to a more serious and structured setting and if i thought i would take to it like a duck to water then i was mistaken. The inner kid kicked off a little bit and it shows me i still have a lot of healing work to do. I also need to take things one step at a time. I assumed i would start the job and move out with my girlfriend in a very short space of time. What i need to do is find the right job and give myself time to settle in and adjust to the new demands on me and my time, before i start thinking about the next move. Moving out of the family home will be a big deal, even though i am in my 30's.

Anxiety has been present, and what sometimes feels like low level depression. Today i am beginning to take hypericum (st john's wort) for at least a couple of months to see if it gives me a boost.

I haven't done any sort of journalling throughout february and i've not been striving to meet any goals. This week it's back to basics, probably using a bullet journal. I will spend some time this evening thinking about what my daily goals will be. Eating well, staying hydrated, prioritising sleep, daily exercise and some sort of mindfulness / meditation practice will likely be what i will focus on. I have books to read and I am thinking about seeing a therapist for some sessions, but in a different field from the therapy i have done in the past. Possibly some cbt.

Spending time outside in solitude is also on the agenda while i regroup and start applying for jobs again. It has been a tough 5 or 6 weeks but this is part of the journey sometimes and I will learn from it and turn it into a positive.

[Bill W]

Hey man.

I'm with you on this. I had to take a sick day today and am on the point of collapse at work. Started crying like a baby yesterday about it all. Crying doesn't bother me but intense anxiety does. 

Yeh man. Re group. We have to keep up the good fight. 

But I'm beat. Worn down.