Mud at the Wall

[Gladius]

@studentofthegame Sorry to hear that. For sure periods of  illness or crisis triggers low-consciousness activities like porn or smoking. Keep going.

Thanks for the advice on journaling!

[studentofthegame]

Book backlog update #2:

way of the superior man (david deida) - fairly enjoyable read. have taken a couple of points from it about the importance of life purpose and owning the journey. on the downside it feels a bit contrived and a bit wide of the mark in places. as with other books, may re-read it in 5 years and see if it has any more relevance.

 

--the alchemist (Paulo Coelho)

-- the secret (Rhonda byrne)

-- way of the superior man (david deida)

-- feel the fear guide to lasting love (susan Jeffers)

--the chimp paradox (prof. steve peters)

--the silent guides (prof. steve peters)

--emotional intelligence (Daniel Goleman)

-- ultimate introduction to NLP (Richard bandler)

-- digital minimalism (cal Newport)

-- how to stop worrying and start living (dale Carnegie)

-- awaken the giant within (tony robbins)

-- tools of titans (tim ferriss)

[studentofthegame]

An observation about fear

For years I have studied the life and teachings of Geoff Thompson. I trained with him in 2010. See his book 'fear: the friend of exceptional people' in which he teaches the use of what he terms a fear pyramid.

In the fear pyramid, you list your fears, with the least fear at the bottom and your greatest fear at the top. You work through your fears, one by one, starting with the smaller fears, until you reach the top of the pyramid. Along the way, the pyramid may evolve. On completion you will likely draw up another pyramid as you become conscious of other fears. Sometimes, you find a sub-pyramid is useful to break down a fear into smaller components... imagine exposure therapy in manageable steps. 

The point is to develop a tolerance to fear, coping mechanisms and personal growth as a byproduct.

I'll write more about this as I climb the pyramid. For now, i'll say a bit about what is at the bottom of mine. Going to a kickboxing class. In the early weeks and months i had to force myself to go, i would have to resist the urge to give in to excuses not to go. At this point, after maybe 15 sessions, the fear has gone. I now look forwards to it. I could move up the pyramid and tackle the next fear. However, i realise that i am really only scratching the surface of the fear of this kickboxing class. I am a newbie, there is no pressure to grade for my first belt, no pressure to join the instructor in demomstrating moves to the rest of the class, and i am comfortable with the lack of expectation of me as someone relatively new. I am hiding in a sense, and to move ahead within this class, i will need to navigate a new set of fears.

Edited November 6, 2019 by studentofthegame

[Gladius]

@studentofthegame Cool, sounds a great way of exploring your fears. Martials arts are the best way of exercising: You get to move your body, working on strength, balance and cardio, it gives you confidence and you socialize with like-minded people. I did a couple years of muay thai and always looking forward to go back. Keep it up.

[studentofthegame]

I don't have late nights out with friends very often anymore. When i do, i need better control over the environment and the lower consciousness behaviours. That has been a lesson learned over the last couple of weekends. If i have to 'be that person' who travels by himself, leaves early, rooms by himself or whatever i feel necessary, then so be it. 

I am focused on bettering myself. Working towards my goals, developing my relationship with myself, my girlfriend and my family.

@Gladius thanks mate. Are you still involved in muay thai or any other martial arts? 

 

[Gladius]

@studentofthegame At the moment I'm not. I'm just going to the gim, but it's so boring. On January I might try a mugendo academy close to my place.

[studentofthegame]

Some books added to the reading list:

Six pillars of self-esteem - nathanial branden

The highly sensitive man - tom falkenstein

The miracle of mindfulness - thich nhat hanh

Together with the tao of fully feeling (pete walker) and homecoming (john bradshaw) these books have now jumped the queue.

[studentofthegame]

I'm not one to make new years resolutions, but something i am going to prioritise is spending more time outdoors, especially as my landscaping career winds down and i start a new career indoors. 

Eventually when i have the space i would love a dog. The discipline of getting up early and walking in the woods, and the solitude. It's what i feel i need. In the meantime, i'm looking forwards to some hiking, some fishing, maybe some wild camping. 

I will lay down some goals for 2020, for the purpose of doing a 'post-game review' as tim ferriss would call it at the end of 2020. I'm not sure where i stand on goal setting, writing down tangible targets and so on. I tend to shy away from doing such a thing, for some reason. I will ponder on it.

[Gladius]

@studentofthegame About the books, I just read the Nathaniel Branden one and found it brilliant. I think Pete Walker gets a lot of inspiration from him and John Bradshaw. Absolutely recommended.

Looking forward to your "post game" review and goals for the decade ahead.

[studentofthegame]

@Gladius Thanks man  Glad you enjoyed the six pillars of self-esteem. From the first few pages i read, i found it a very dense book with lots to chew over. I've delayed reading it until i can focus on it, take notes etc.

 

For now, I've streamlined my reading list, because it's growing all the time as i can't stay out of bookshops. Not so much streamlined but torn up and am starting again. I'm keeping smaller lists this time. 

Current reading list:

Homecoming (bradshaw)

The tao of fully feeling (walker)

The highly sensitive man (falkenstein)

Once these are done, i'm going to try and discipline myself to read one book at a time and do the work. If it means i read one book a month, so be it.

[studentofthegame]

Notes from 3 years of therapy

Had the penultimate session with my therapist last night. Attachment-based, psychoanalytical therapy that I have been doing with her for a little over 3 years. 

One of the underpinnings of this style of therapy is that you form a safe and secure attachmemt with the therapist. Last nights session was the last heavy session. Our final one in a fortnight will be a bit lighter. 

I can feel that I am grieving the end of this relationship. I felt low during the remainder of the evening and my sleep was disturbed. This is entirely to be expected and is a part of the process.

I have picked up a few tools from these sessions and I feel better equipped to continue to gradually heal my early wounds. I have done some grieving and still have much to do. I have some good books that support this process. I will consider other forms of therapy in the future. 

[studentofthegame]

A look back at 2019 for a bit of a post-match analysis. Highs and lows.

Negatives

• Did not use the gym or find consistency in my diet
• Struggled to make good habits stick such as a morning routine
• Spent much time in my comfort zones and neglected certain areas of my life such as friendships
• Spent very little time picking up my guitar

Positives

• Completed my masters degree
• Finished my third year of psychoanalytical therapy
• Am now 6 months into a relationship with a girl i love
• Turned 36 years old
• Gained a deeper understanding of myself and what I need to do in life to maintain balance
• Returned to a kickboxing class and began to face my fears

[Gladius]

Sounds like a positive balance to me. The year's not over yet though  Keep it up!

[studentofthegame]

A perspective on dealing with addictions / shadow

This year i took some significant steps towards cutting out porn, compulsive, anxiety-driven masturbation, midweek drinking and various other negative habits such as gossiping and judging others.

My pattern when engaging in these behaviours has been to binge, burn out, vow to stop doing it and then relapse months later. This year i removed some of the triggers. This was both easy and difficult, and meant making some sacrifices. However, the behaviours have crept back recently as i have been ill and stressed.

 

 

My current thinking is that when i am tired and stressed, the conscious filter is down and these insidious compulsions creep back in. It is not for me to assume that, after the latest binge and period of remorse, that i am finished watching porn; that leads to complacency. Instead, if it is the case that tiredness and stress leads to relapse, then i need to double down and focus fully on self-care, and abstaining (escaping) from these negative behaviours shall be a byproduct.

It's not a moral thing with porn and these other behaviours. It's cause and effect. It impacts my life in a negative way and i am much healthier physically and mentally when i don't indulge in it.

[Bill W]

the chimp paradox (prof. steve peters)

I have this. I think it's a fantastic book to get people to realise how much of their life is dictated by their ego (the chimp), well that's how I saw it. Like most self help books I think the book could have been a bit shorter and still made it's point. 

My only doubt is that because you are already on the actualisation path you might not get as much from the book as someone who has never even considered that have an ego or chimp. 

His emphasis and I paraphrase here on "all data goes via the chimp first" really resonated with me. His focus on befriending the chimp and keeping the chimp active but in a healthier way reminds me of something I'm going to post below in a minute.

 

 

Edited December 19, 2019 by Bill W

[studentofthegame]

@Bill W thanks Bill. Appreciate you dropping by the journal. I think you are right, i expect aspects of the chimp paradox to be a bit entry level. I'm looking to clear my backlog of books at some point so I will give it a read. I also think it's useful to remind ourselves of the basics sometimes. I know that's the case with me for sure. I see people like rockets sent into the sky that are constantly veering off course. It takes constant little corrections to steer us right.

That little video clip is very profound. Cheers for posting. I will refer back to that. One of my goals for 2020 is to maintain even a basic meditation / mindfulness practice.

[studentofthegame]

Had the final session tonight with my therapist of 3 years. I am feeling very emotional. Interesting to note that part of the growth in attachment therapy is the ending of the therapeutic relationship and a grieving process of sorts.

I am feeling the feelings and observing my processes as best i can. I will probably write about it in private journals. It has hit me harder than anticipated.

I would encourage anyone in therapy to value the process and enjoy the ride.

[studentofthegame]

some goals for 2020

• Get a graduate trainee position
• Move house
• Pick up guitar every day
• Go snowboarding
• Make a website for photography
• Go hiking, fishing and camping as much as possible
• Consider a new therapy
• Climb my personal fear pyramid
• Clean up diet and build some muscle in the gym
• Spend quality time with family
• Go on holiday with my girlfriend
• Implement a morning and self-care routine that enables me to do as much of the above as possible

[Gladius]

@studentofthegame  Your 2020 sounds promising. I'm confident all this shadow work is paying off. Merry Christmas, actualization buddy!

[studentofthegame]

A slow start to the year in terms of structure to the day and keeping up my disciplines. I'm not beating myself up. Today i roll up my sleeves and crack on.