Mud at the Wall

[studentofthegame]

On 05/09/2019 at 0:27 PM, studentofthegame said:

Big week ahead for me. I have around 7 days to finish my dissertation and complete my masters degree. I am taking the week off work for the most part and my GF is away on holiday with her family. So I am largely going to be distraction-free. I also need this time to reset, and set a bit of a foundation for myself going forwards.

I think a sustainable approach is to focus on the daily self-care habits I have outlined a few posts back, and not to get overwhelmed in the minutiae of all that is involved. However, for this week I'm going to take advantage of being distraction-free and experiment with using a daily tick-list which is a bit more specific. 

 

Morning 7-9

• sip water, eat small
• 5-10 minutes breathing app
• push-ups while boiling the kettle
• '5-minute journal' morning entry
• read
• have a walk outside

Day 9-5

• work on dissertation
• pick up guitar during breaks instead of using the phone and the internet
• any other business

Evening

• journaling (finish with 5-minute journal evening entry)
• cold shower
• read fiction

 

Half-time report.

So far have been hitting every point, apart from spending time outside. I have been out, but not exactly out in nature and in solitude, which was the intent. What’s more, I have taken a week off work, which involves working outside, so I have been indoors more than usual.

On track with everything else, so it’s a case of so far so good. Will say more when the week is done.

[studentofthegame]

In review of the full week outlined previously, i hit the vast majority of my targets and felt pretty healthy for it.

The main thing was that my dissertation was submitted. It was a big challenge. Everything else i did in the day was support-system for it.

I have been a bit lazy this subsequent week. I can feel that i’m missing the breathing and journaling routine from last week, which encourages me that they are useful and something worthwhile over the long-term. Over the coming days i’ll consider my next moves.

 

[Gladius]

After such big achievement, some "lazy time" is not only allowed but totally necessary. A bit of self-indulgence never hurt nobody (I hope Leo doesn't read me). Congrats man!

[studentofthegame]

@Gladius thanks mate. Slacking off after quite an intensive week has at least highlighted the bit of balance that the breathing and journaling exercises were giving me. 

I’m now in a transition between having finished my degree and moving into my career. Some structure and routine will be useful for me during this period so that’ll be my next ‘project’ as it were, to put that together.

[studentofthegame]

I have an opportunity to have a few days alone and without many commitments from tomorrow. Planning on spending some time on my personal development. 

I won’t lay out a schedule for the day but I will have a small do-list.

1. Big five daily self-care, step-up breathing and journaling routine, go to the gym
2. Have a good clear out and take unwanted stuff to charity shop
3. Start applying for jobs
4. Practise guitar
5. Get some reading done

I have recently deleted my social media accounts. I was aware that I was leaving them open through vanity and insecurity and a need to paint a picture of myself to others. Letting go of that has been a relief.

[Gladius]

Do you think there can be any positive outcome from a conscious use of social media? I have an internal debate regarding this, deleting and reinstalling them many times.

[studentofthegame]

@Gladius good question mate. I do think there is a positive way to use social media, although it'll be individual to yourself. I took an honest look at my social media and it was ego-based, ultimately fear based. I felt a need to project a somewhat contrived narrative of myself to overcome a negative self-image. I imagine many people do this and are unaware or in denial of their underlying motives. Have a close look at what your motives and decide if they serve you. And even if it is a bit of an ego trip, is that really a problem? The overriding factor in me getting rid of my profiles wasn't my social media use in isolation, but a wider spring-cleaning of my life in general during which time:

• I've had a massive clear out of stuff from my house after hoarding lots of junk
• I've got rid of unhealthy attachments to the past (photos of ex gf's etc)
• I've said goodbye to people who i only had pseudo-relationships with, changed my phone number and put up better boundaries around the relationships with people that do matter

Those last two bullets have been hard work and are on-going, and it plays into my therapy regarding attachment and loss. 

So overall social media itself wasn't a problem but getting rid of it was part of a wider exercise. I feel good for doing this work although it has whipped up a ranged of emotions in the process. But that's all part of healing isn't it.

[studentofthegame]

On 9/25/2019 at 3:56 PM, studentofthegame said:

I have an opportunity to have a few days alone and without many commitments from tomorrow. Planning on spending some time on my personal development. 

I won’t lay out a schedule for the day but I will have a small do-list.

1. Big five daily self-care, step-up breathing and journaling routine, go to the gym
2. Have a good clear out and take unwanted stuff to charity shop
3. Start applying for jobs
4. Practise guitar
5. Get some reading done

I have recently deleted my social media accounts. I was aware that I was leaving them open through vanity and insecurity and a need to paint a picture of myself to others. Letting go of that has been a relief.

Very little of this happened, these past few days.

I felt the urge to sit around, do very little and be comfortable. Sometimes that is what we need, but i haven't struck a healthy balance, and now i feel flat. 

Today i'll give some thought to what I will do going forwards. I'm someone who wants to be able to maintain healthy habits and get stuff done. I have a lot to do.

[Gladius]

Well, that was a pretty ambitious plan my friend. I tried to tackle too much at once at the beginning of journaling here. It worked for a while but -spoiler alert- I ended up burning out, ironically. That's why I finally broke down in smaller goals and tasks. I'm not saying that's what happened to you, it's just what came to my mind after reading your post.

Keep it up!

[studentofthegame]

@Gladius thanks man. I had good results setting out a schedule for an important week back in september and thought that i could do it again over those specific few days as discussed in the journal. There wasn't the same stakes involved the second time however and this may be a factor.

[studentofthegame]

I'm going to work on my morning routine, specifically waking and getting out of bed at the same time every morning at a decent hour.

I tend to have black and white, all or nothing thinking. So if i wake late and miss my morning routine, my disciplines throughout the remainder of the day often go out the window. 

[studentofthegame]

2-point plan of action over the coming weeks and months:

1. Wake and get up at 7am (or earlier) every morning, 7 days a week
2. Go straight downstairs, fill water bottle and boil the kettle

That is the only demand i am placing on myself.

The intent is that by controlling my mornings and not giving in to the desire for comfort and avoidance, that I will kickstart the day and adopt a mentality of pursuing my goals for the day. 

My main goal is implementing what i consider to be the major daily self-care principles that i need in life. These are prioritising sleep, nutrition and hydration, exercise, personal development and practising presence in whatever i'm doing. 

 

[Gladius]

Sleep is essential. I bought one of those digital wristbands to track my sleep. The xiaomi one costs around 20$ and it gives you a good idea whether you're actually reaching deep sleep, and a ton more of stuff I don't really use.

Keep it up!

[studentofthegame]

@Gladius that's a good idea. What has the wristband told you about the quality of your sleep, and do you have a pre-bed or morning routine?

[Gladius]

@studentofthegame It gives me a sense whether I had a deep sleep that night, so I can take measures to improve the quality of my sleep if it's not going well. For me it's impossible to have a routine right now, my job is on shift basis, so I work some days morning, afternoon, or night. One of my main goals is to change that so I can have a routine.

[studentofthegame]

My therapist told me yesterday that she is effectively finishing her practice in the new year. I have 4 or 5 sessions left between now and then, and that will bring to an end over 3 years of this therapy. I have known she has been looking to wind down for the last year or so.

Mixed feelings about it. On one hand i am learning to be my own therapist in terms of the inner child work that i have done in this attachment based therapy. On the other hand, the therapist has become a trusted confidente and i'm anxious to be losing that.

Sticking with the positives, i am keen to explore other therapies and to see if i can take anything from them. Possible avenues are;

• Schema therapy
• EMDR
• CBT
• Co-dependent 12-step

For anyone with early attachment and loss issues, i would recommend giving psychodynamic, attachment-based therapy a look. It's about healing via grieving childhood wounds. I suspect what I have learned through this therapy in terms of how i look after myself will stay with me for life.

[studentofthegame]

Journaling has been a useful tool for me over recent weeks and i'm going to reflect on the various methods i am experimenting with.

Stream of consciousness journal

This is simply expressing my negative emotions on paper as they arise. Some of what comes out is vicious, unfair, irrational. Sometimes i will leave it at that, other times i will go through it point by point and reframe it, in a kind of right brain / left brain exercise. The page (or pages) are then ripped out and put in the paper shredder. These pages are absolutely personal and knowing they will be shredded enables me to write what i need to write without censor.

I will be using it tonight. Some negative feelings have arisen towards my girlfriend and i want to deal with them before (and possibly after) we speak. I don't want my own shit to be triggered and thrown at her when conflict arises, so the shit is going down on paper instead.

identifying negative feelings journal

Someone linked to this in the higher consciousness section and i've had some good results with it. It surprises me when i do the exercise and my feelings are untangled, and i find that i am feeling things i didnt expect or was not conscious of. Then it's a case of accepting the feelings as a messenger that something is wrong, which is a very therapeutic process. The final step is writing down ways to address the issue so that you are 'safe' from feeling this way again.

the five minute journal

I heard of this on a tim ferriss podcast and tf uses it every day. It has a morning and an evening section. I tend to use it sporadically and it's not my favourite method. What i would say is that anyone experimenting with the laws of attraction may get something out of it because the journal encourages the daily grattitude entries to be about something you want but don't have yet. For example, I am greatful for a loving relationship. This specific example actually worked for me and in a short time i was in a relationship, for what it's worth.

Grattitude journal

A small notebook where i bullet things i am greatful for, big and small. Haven't really made this a habit yet, so unsure whether it is having a significant effect.

[Gladius]

@studentofthegame Journaling is a great tool. A simple trick I heard on a Ted talk is to remind yourself the best 3 moments of the day when going to bed, every single night for a month. It'll become a habit and it worked for me.

Regarding therapy, a couple comments:

- According to Pete Walker, a good moment to leave your therapist is when you find at least one trustworthy and reliable partner or friend who can be your new confident. As a rule of thumb, of course.

- My therapist uses EMDR. It can be challenging and tough to face so much emotions in a moment, but it worked wonders.

Keep it up!

[studentofthegame]

@Gladius the five minute journal has a section 'three amazing things that happened today' which i don't like and feels contrived, but reframing it as 'the best three moments of the day' as you worded it above works better for me. Thanks ?

Interesting to hear that emdr worked for you. It had previously struck me as an odd therapy but the more i read into it the more i'm interested in giving it a go. At this point in my life, i'm keen to explore a lot of different therapies. I am growing more convinced that self-care is the foundation of healing, but i also think there is a place for external therapists to support the work.

[studentofthegame]

Today I have sat with feelings of depression and all the relative emotions that this involves. The feelings have been building up gradually over a week.

It's been a rollercoaster past week in which i have fallen off the no porn / no masturbation habit, which hurts me deeply because it compromises my relationship with my girlfriend very directly. It diminishes my sex life with her to an unacceptable extent. I have overspent at the weekend and left myself in a hole financially. I have been in a very low mood and some of my loved ones have suffered as a result, which has left me feeling a lot of guilt.

What i believe has triggered this was a period of illness, including fever at night which kept me awake and mass disruption to the core of my day and week. I found myself house-bound, prone to mood swings and vulnerable to vices such as pornography. A lesson learned that illness and tiredness leaves us vulnerable in this way and it's a time to put up a guard.

I've spent some time this evening journalling using various methods and it has helped lift my mood. I'm going to get back on the horse this week. Getting up at 7am each morning prior to getting sick was empowering and it starts there;

• Up at 7am ... daily disciplines and self-care habits
• Job search every day
• Be nice to my family, especially when I feel negatively towards them. What can I do for them?
• Refrain from pornography. Save my energy for my girlfriend
• Step up grattitude journalling. I tend to be reactive rather than proactive with journalling, when i feel down such as tonight. 

Once again i'd recommend the cptsd emotional literacy journalling exercise which was posted on the high consciousness board. Every time I have used this method, i have felt relief from my feelings through identifying exactly what they are and acknowledging them as messengers that something specific needs addressing.